Kuroshitsuji Kangaroo Court
by sammie-spazzmuffin
Summary: After 8months of delivering ironic/comedic justice in the Kangaroo Court with toy guns and dance-offs, several drunken bashes, and finally a bigass cruise in the tropics, we are finally DONE and Ciel and Alois can run along and go play somewhere else now!
1. Chapter 1  The One With the Intro

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, slight AloisxCiel and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**If the script-style format makes you want to grind your teeth and smash your head against your keyboard, skip ahead to chapter 8 and save yourself from severe teeth/forehead/keyboard damage! If you can bear with it for the sake of comedy, I applaude you.**

**But seriously, it gets better. You have my money-back guarantee.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kuro or any of Yana Toboso's wonderful characters, but I do own myself and the following piece of crack!**

* * *

Me: Good day, everyone, and welcome to Kuroshitsuji Kangaroo Courts, a youth group and summer camp favourite transcended into the Kuroshitsuji fandom universe! I'm Brittany, and I'll be running this operation with the help of my two lovely co-hosts:

Alois: _Moi_, Alois Trancy, the best flamenco dancer with the sexiest legs in all the land!

Ciel: And me.

Me: Way to show some enthusiasm. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this game, the concept is simple: people are called out in front of their peers for embarrassing or unusual habits, fibs or behaviour, or in this case, probably for being an outright jackass who can't keep his hands to his own Bocchan and has to go around ruining everything he touches and making stupid crocheted wraps like some friggin' psycho granny—

Ciel: Calm down.

Alois: Ha ha, she's got Claude pegged.

Ciel: *clears throat* As she was saying, people are called out and then given a sentence by the judging panel that is usually ironic or hilarious.

Alois: We're aiming for both!

Me: In Claude's case, it'll be painful. COME ON, FANS, I KNOW YOU'RE ALL ITCHING FOR REVENGE!

Ciel: Could you just sit down and have a cup of tea or something? You're shouting right in my ear.

Alois: This is going to be fun!

Me: *slightly calmer* Before we begin, I just want to explain the reason behind this. There are already at least half a dozen interview fics on this site, which, aside from the questions and demands for yaoi action, have been receiving a lot of hate mail for Claude. There are also a lot of silly—often degrading—requests made that lead me to believe that the fans would be good at—

Alois: *shoves Brittany aside* No one wants to listen to you. Reviewers, just send us all the accusations and rage you've been bottling up and justice will be delivered!

Ciel: But since it would be unbecoming of me as your host to leave without providing any of the promised entertainment, I—

Alois: —am going to strip!

Ciel: What! No! I was going to make the first accusation!

Alois: Boo.

Ciel: Alois Trancy, approach the stand.

Alois: I'm already here!

Me: It's standard procedure.

Ciel: You are hereby accused of—

Me: —being far too sexy!

Alois: Hooray!

Ciel: Would you two please quit interrupting me! I was going to accuse him of—

Me: —not being sexy enough?

Alois: If I was any sexier we'd have to change the rating of this show simply because of my presence.

Ciel: I said to quit—

Alois: NO WAIT! If I was any sexier I'd need Claude's help to keep Ciel _away_ from me!

Ciel: NOT LIKELY!

Me: If you were any sexier your taste buds would get worn down.

Ciel: *cringes*

Alois: Oh, I like that one.

Me: You were saying, Ciel?

Ciel: I... I forgot, actually.

Alois: Are you BLUSHING, Ciel-kun!

Ciel: No! I don't blush!

Me: If you've forgotten what you were going to say, then I shall take this opportunity to accuse Alois of dressing like Barney the purple dinosaur.

Ciel: Who?

Alois: I most certainly do not!

Me: *sprays Alois with Super Soaker* Did I mention that the judge is usually flanked by water gun-wielding bailiffs? We need _someone_ to keep the accused in line.

Ciel: Can I have that?

Me: Sure. *hands over gun* And you most certainly do! Not that Barney wears booty shorts (thank God). It's the colour palette that concerns me. Why purple and green?

Alois: Do you _want_ me to dress as blandly as frumpy old Ciel over gffhgrgrlll— *gets a faceful of water*

Ciel: This is great.

Me: And highly suggestive!

Ciel: You were right, Alois; this _is_ going to be fun. Too bad I don't have any soap to wash out that filthy mouth of yours.

Alois: *spluttering* Stop! C-Ciel!

Me: And that's all the time we have for today (keep in mind that this is only a pilot and that the more reviews we get, the longer the second installment will be). To send a character from Kuro to court, simply leave a review with your charge and the name of the accused! Suggestions for possible punishments are welcome as well.

Ciel: Oh yeah, we haven't sentenced him yet.

Alois: *wrings out clothes* I thought this _was_ my punishment!

Me: Not so, chap. For causing me to get the 'Clean Up' song stuck in my head every time I look at you, I sentence you to tidy up this mess while you sing it!

Alois: Hell no! I don't _clean_. That's Hannah's job!

Ciel: *pumps Super Soaker and pulls trigger*

Alois: grrgpglllggjsdhllfdfff—FINE—fffggplshlhhff—I'LL DO IT! But I'm using my shirt as a mop! *begins stripping*

Ciel: I'm out of here.

Me: Like hell you are! *grabs Ciel* I know you wanna watch this.

Ciel: I do not! Why is it that every show I go on—

Me: ROLL CREDITS! Alois, SING!

Alois: Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere...

Me: LOUDER, GODDAMNIT!

Alois: *crying* Clean up! Clean up! Everybody do your share!

Ciel: *spits on floor and leaves*

Me: That's all folks! Tune in next time and please, for the love of all that is good and holy LEAVE A REVIEW!


	2. Chapter 2  The One With Claude

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, slight AloisxCiel, SOME GOOD OL' FASHIONED RAGE and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**Disclaimer: All your Kuros are belong to Toboso. Likewise, Super Soakers are copyrighted to... is it Hasbro? Someone who isn't me. Nor do I own Draino. **

* * *

Me: Happy Sunday, everyone, and thank you for all the wonderful reviews!

Ciel: There were only two of them.

Me: YOU GREEDY CHILD! I'd have been happy to get even one shitty one, but these two were such gems that I felt the need to take action immediately.

Alois: *bursts into room with sunglasses and massive Super Soaker* Bailiff, reporting for duty!

Me: Fantastic! Court is now in session!

Ciel: Our first accusation is from _hitomi-chanchn,_ who says, "GIVE CLAUDE A DEATH SENTENCE FOR BEING SUCH A SHIT DISTURBER AND STICKING THINGS IN CIEL'S mouth..." *trails off while reading* *shudders* Maybe someone else should read this one.

Alois: *grabs paper* What's wrong, Ciel, bad memories? As Ciel was saying, "...STICKING THINGS IN CIEL'S MOUTH AND KISSING CIEL'S LEGS AND TOUCHING HIM AND SMILING WHILE BLUSHING WHILE TOUCHING HIM AND BRAGGING ABOUT IT TO SEBASTIAN AND KILL HANNAH FOR FREAKIN OUT CIEL WITH THE EYE THING AND MAKIN HIM GO ALL ALOIS ON EVERYONE AND MAKE CLAUDE DIE FOR DOING THAT TO POOR LOVELY ALOIS WHEN ALL HE DID WAS WEAR AMAZINGLY SHORT SHORTS AND FALL IN LOVE WITH CLAUDE! PLEASE! NOOOOOOW!"

Me: I love the rage! I think _hitomi-chanchn_ deserves some virtual cake for that one, not to mention the fact that they're our FIRST EVER REVIEWER which literally made my life!

Alois: Shit disturber... I like that. I'mma use that. And thank you for complimenting my shorts! It's lovely to be appreciated :D

Ciel: This is all a little fuzzy... I feel dizzy...

Alois: Don't pass out on us, you pansy.

Me: He'll probably just throw up. He does that a lot. ANYWAY, BRING IN THE DOUCHE BAG!

*Claude is brought into the courtroom by Dementors*

Alois: What the SHIT ARE THOSE!

Me: The best thing I could think of to handle a demon. Aren't they great?

Alois: How are you controlling them?

Ciel: *curled up in fetal position* Make it stop...

Me: I'm not! They don't like Claude either!

Ciel: WHAT ARE THEY DOING!

Me: Hmm? Oh, think happy thoughts, Ciel! Dementors, lay off!

Claude: *disoriented* What am I doing here? Young Master, how did you get here?

Ciel: DON'T SPEAK TO ME.

Alois: You're here to get your JUST DESSERTS, Claude Fagstus!

Me: And lucky for me *off the hook for being creative*, the second reviewer had some excellent suggestions for Claude's punishment!

Alois: _Sweetie_ says, "Ah...hum, sorry to disturb, but...Do you think you could cut out Claude's arms then make Claude cook them with his feet, and make him eat what he cooked? And maybe, after, if it isn't too much of a bother could you hit Claude's face against a rock until is unrecognizable and pull out his eyes really slowly with sewing needles?... Then if we still have some time left, could we cover him with honey and leave him to be devoured by bears? Pretty please? I would be soooo very happy n.n"

Me: *rubs hands together* I look forward to this.

Ciel: *throws up*

Me: CALLED IT!

Alois: Is it weird that I'm not that disturbed?

Claude: BEARS! I don't LIKE sppplllshhhfffgrrrfg—

Alois: *shoots Claude's face with Super Soaker* _Sweetie_, I think you and I will get along nicely.

Claude: MY EYES ARE BURNING!

Me: Saltwater?

Alois: *nods*

Me: Excellent choice. I was going to use Draino, but it started to corrode my gun. So I used bleach instead! *sprays Claude*

Claude: *choking on bleach and saltwater*

Me: I wonder if we'll have to change the rating for chopping off his limbs...

Alois: Who cares! *whips out katana and hacks off Claude's arms*

Ciel: *throws up again*

Me: You have a weak stomach.

Claude: *screaming* Your Highness! I thought you cared about me!

Alois: YOU BETRAYED ME, YOU MOTHER-FUC—

*screen goes black*

Voice: We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by for—

*picture returns*

Me: Alois, watch your friggin' mouth! I don't want to have to change the rating!

Claude: *sobbing and stirring a pot of arm stew with his feet*

Ciel: *lying on his desk, groaning* So gross...

Alois: NOW EAT IT!

Me: Not yet! *shoots contents of cauldron with water gun* It needs more bleach ^w^

Claude: HOW CAN I EAT WITHOUT ARMS!

Me: FEAR FACTOR STYLE. PUT THAT FUGLY FACE OF YOURS TO GOOD USE!

Dementors: ...

Alois: *shoves Claude's face into stew* OMNOMNOM. SAY IT!

Claude: *gurgling noises* *slight hint of omnoms*

Ciel: Isn't he going to die of blood loss?

Me: Oh yeah... Let's wrap this up!

Alois: EAT ALL OF IT, YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT!

Claude: *spluttering* It tastes terrible!

Ciel: You sound surprised.

Me: I'll go get a rock! *runs off*

Alois: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR STICKIN' STUFF IN MY PRECIOUS CIEL'S MOUTH!

Ciel: *shudders again*

Claude: But— *choking* I-I'm his BUTLER!

Alois: *ignores Claude* NOT BLUSHING NOW, ARE YOU, YOU DISGUSTING PERVERT!

Ciel: I never thought I'd hear the day when Alois called someone else a pervert...

Me: *returns with large boulder*

Ciel: How are you carrying that? You're way too scrawny—

Me: You're one to talk. *sets down boulder*

Ciel: I haven't hit my growth spurt yet, okay! When will you people lay off?

Alois: *drags Claude out of cauldron and commences face-smashing* THIS IS FOR KISSING CIEL'S LEGS *smash* AND THIS IS FOR THINKING DIRTY THOUGHTS ABOUT HIM *smash* AND TRYING TO TURN HIM INTO ME *smash* AND TOUCHING HIM *smash* AND THINKING MORE DIRTY THOUGHTS ABOUT HIM—

Ciel: Yeah, what was up with all that? Creeper.

Alois: —AND FOR BRAGGING ABOUT IT TO SEBASTIAN, *smash* WHICH I PERSONALLY AM NOT BOTHERED BY BUT OUR FIRST REVIEWER WAS, SO *smash*—

Ciel: What a shitty thing to do! That's just adding insult to injury, isn't it?

Alois: —AND MOST IMPORTANTLY FOR _KILLING ME_! *smash* _ME_, YOUR BEAUTIFUL AND AWESOME MASTER WHO NEVER DID A THING TO DESERVE HAVING MY NECK SNAPPED *smash*—

Ciel: What! That was supposed to be _my_ job! *leaps off desk and shoves Alois out of the way* *resumes face-smashing* WHERE IS YOUR INTEGRITY, YOU PIECE OF SHIT EXCUSE FOR A BUTLER! *smash smash smash* YOU'RE A LYING PEDOPHILIC SEBASTIAN-WANNABE! *smash smash smash* YOU'LL NEVER BE AS GREAT AS HIM! *smash smash smash*

Sebastian: *from somewhere far far away* Bocchan, you still care! TTuTT

Claude: *bleeding and disfigured* If I must *gets smashed* suffer so *gets smashed* I would prefer *gets smashed* that it be at Bocchan's hands *gets smashed*

Alois: I'm offended!

Ciel: DISGUSTING PIECE OF FILTH *smash*

Me: *reading reviews* Now we're supposed to pull out his eyes with sewing needles. I love your ideas, _Sweetie_, but I think the irony in using his own crochet hooks would be much more amusing.

Alois: I'll get them!

Ciel: *smash*

Me: I know, we'll take out one eye with the hooks, and the other one with needles! That way we'll get the best of both worlds!

Alois: Right, and it'll be MY fault if the rating is bumped up.

Ciel: *drags Claude over to a table*

Me: Dementors, hold him down please. Alois, Ciel, would you two like to do the honours?

Alois: WOULD I? This is my specialty!

Ciel: *takes a good look at Claude's mauled face and cringes* I think I'll sit this one out. There's nothing left in my stomach.

Me: You can shoot him with Alois' gun. That ought'ta sting something fierce.

Ciel: I'm not sure if I want to sit beside you...

Me: And while Alois is taking care of that, bring in Hannah!

*More Dementors shove Hannah into the room*

Me: Every time you open your mouth bad shit happens. Alois! One of the needles, please!

Alois: *hands over needle and resumes gradual eye-gouging*

Ciel: *sprays Claude's face with saltwater*

Claude: IT BURNS! MY FAAAAACCCEEEE!

Hannah: Master! What are you doing?

Me: SHUT UP, HAG! *grabs Hannah with Dementors' assistance and stitches her freaky mouth shut* That is a horrible shade of lipstick, by the way. You look ridiculous.

Hannah: Mmmphhfhmmm hhrmmff!

Me: I'm not entirely sure how to kill you, to be honest. I mean, if Grell couldn't do it...

Alois: STEAMROLLER!

Me: That's a little gory, isn't it? I can't help feeling that we've been graphic enough today... Perhaps we'll take care of her later.

Ciel: *pulls pistol from his coat and empties a round in Hannah's head* Eyes don't belong in your throat, you freak.

Me: Hmm, I suppose that'll hold her for now.

Claude: *wailing* THE PAAAAAIIIIIN! I CAN'T SEE!

Alois: Try to find a sexier master while looking like that!

Ciel: Are we almost done? I have paperwork to do.

Me: Bear time!

Claude: Not the bears! ANYTHING BUT BEARS!

Alois: At least you won't see them coming! *dumps a keg of honey on Claude*

Ciel: *shoots his gaping eyeholes with saltwater*

Claude: *passes out from the pain*

Me: Pansy. Anyway, that about wraps it up for today! Thanks for joining us, and we hope to see and hear from you again!

Alois: _Over the river and through the woods, to CLAUDE-O'S DEMISE we go!_

Ciel: *tosses gun at Claude's head and leaves*

Me: Good-bye, everyone, and have a wonderful week!

* * *

**I feel much better now.**


	3. Chapter 3  The One With MLE

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, more AloisxCiel than usual, a lot less rage, and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**Disclaimer: All your Kuros are belong to Toboso. I also do not own any of the shows/movies mentioned.**

* * *

Me: Happy Labour Day, everyone! I hope you're all enjoying the long weekend :D Unless of course you're reading this on a day other than the release, in which case I hope that _whatever _day it is, you're enjoying it!

Ciel: Today we're—

Me: Although it may also be _nighttime_ by the time anyone reads this, and if that's the case then I hope you're enjoying your evening! Or night. Or "prevening", as Sheldon Cooper calls it, if that's what time it is.

Ciel: Today we'll—

Me: Does anyone here watch The Big Bang Theory? I can't wait for the new season to start; I'm so excited that Sheldon found his soul mate!

Ciel: WOULD YOU SHUT UP?

Me: Hey, people can like things other than Kuroshitsuji. Not everything's about you, Ciel.

Ciel: *taking deep breaths and probably counting to ten in his head* I never said—

Me: Anyway, as Ciel was trying to say before he kept trailing off, we've recently received a record-breaking total of three reviews. THREE! I couldn't be more thrilled! Thank you, everyone!

Ciel: That's only one more than last time.

Me: I think you need to start keeping a gratitude journal. Count your blessings, kiddo. SO, today we're going to start with an accusation from—

Alois: *bursts into room looking like he just got hit by a bus* So... many... fangirls.

Ciel: I _thought_ it seemed less gay in here.

Alois: Stuff it, Ciel, you know you want me.

Me: What happened to you?

Alois: What HAPPENED to me? I'll tell you what HAPPENED to me. Get this: I pull up in my carriage, and the SECOND I set foot on the ground this mob of screaming girls comes around the corner and starts attacking me! They were all, "Oh, Alois, you're my favourite! You didn't deserve to die, Alois! I love your shorts, Alois! Claude's a total turd, Alois!" They were glomping me and squealing right in my fricken ear, and then this one nutcase tries to steal my shorts right off me! *gestures to torn booty shorts*

Me: Well... you managed to keep _most_ of them...

Alois: Yeah. Too bad for Ciel, right?

Ciel: What!

Alois: You're staring right at my legs, buddy.

Ciel: *blushing like crazy* I am NOT! Don't be so juvenile!

Alois: *smirks* Whatever you say. *sits on desk beside Ciel*

Me: I'm going to warn everyone right now that this is going to be a sexy episode. Partly because I got all of the violence and gore out of my system yesterday and that's just the sort of mood I'm in now, and partly because the reviewers seem to be in a similar frame of mind. Alright? Cool.

Ciel: Have some decency, would you? Cover your shame.

Alois: *flaunting his thighs* Does this bother you?

Ciel: *removes his coat and throws it onto Alois' lap*

Alois: *smiles* How possessive of you.

Ciel: *ignores*

Me: Our first accusation is from _mleleamur_, who I will forgive for living in the country that spawned Miley Cyrus if she will forgive me for living in the country that spawned Justin Beiber, eh.

Ciel: I fail to see how that is of any importance.

Me: If you knew what those two were doing to society, you'd think it was pretty damn important. ANYWAY, _mleleamur_ will be joining us in court today to deal out the accused's punishment. Make her feel welcome!

mleleamur: *walks in* Hellooo!

Me: Hello! Can I call you MLE? I'm going to. Would you like to read the charge?

MLE: Sure :) *sits on judge's desk* Alois, please approach the stand!

Alois: For the second time, I'm ALREADY HERE.

Me: It's standard procedure.

Alois: You didn't do it last time!

Me: Nevermind and let the lady speak!

MLE: Alois Trancy, you are hereby accused of being too freakin' sexy! Especially right now, with your shorts all butchered, and your clothes all mussed up... and your hair all... tousled... Did I miss something fun?

Ciel: He was mauled by fangirls.

MLE: Damn, I wish I was there...

Me: Me too.

Ciel: *grumbling* Great. It was bad enough having the one fangirl here; now I have to put up with two of them.

Me: We're all aware of your aversion to women, Ciel. Just suck it up for a few minutes.

Ciel: D: Why must you pick on me?

Alois: _Too sexy_? How is that a bad thing?

*MLE and I exchange glances*

Me: Well...

MLE: I suppose...

Me: Ciel is so innocent, but you're just...

MLE: I mean, that ass is so...

Me: Um...

MLE: Your shorts...

Ciel: Oh, for crying out loud! *stands in front of Alois* It's a bad thing because it gives people bad ideas, most of which _I_ get sucked into! Then they end up writing shit like this and fantasizing about the two of us, which quite frankly PISSES ME OFF!

Alois: ... What are you saying?

Ciel: ARE YOU REALLY THAT DENSE!

Me: That reminds me, the second review was a request for Alois and Ciel to—

Ciel: To what? I'd watch what I say next, if I were you.

Me: ... Maybe we'll leave that for later. MLE? The sentence, please.

MLE : Right! c: *reading from script* "For dressing in a manner that could be easily replaced with a 'Rape Me' sign, I sentence you to bend over and receive a spanking from each member of the judging panel!" Oh, fun!

Alois: But that'll HUUURRRRT!

Ciel: I'm not doing that.

Me: Yes you are. *hands him a paddle* Alois, bend over!

Alois: Well, if Ciel's doing it...

Ciel: I am NOT!

Alois: *shakes ass in Ciel's face* Tempting, ne? Go ahead, I seriously doubt anyone with arms as skinny as yours could—

_WHAP!_

Alois: *squeaks*

Ciel: *rolls up sleeves* What were you saying about my arms?

Alois: Ciel, that hurt!

Ciel: Isn't that the point?

_WHAP!_

Alois: Cut it out! Aren't you only supposed to do it once!

Me: *grabs paddle*

Ciel: I was just getting warmed up!

Me: We're trying to teach him a lesson for comedic purposes, not wreck his ass.

MLE: *grabs paddle* My turn! :3

Alois: This seems unnecessarily harsh! Can't we just dress me up in something bland and shapeless for a day? I'm sure Ciel has something I could borrow.

MLE: *pauses*

Me: I guess...

MLE: I'll do it! *runs off with Alois*

Me: *turns to Ciel* For the record, I think you are just as sexy as Alois. And I mean that in the least implicative way possible, seeing as I am far too old for you and you and Alois belong together anyway.

Ciel: ... Thanks, I guess...

Me: Well then, while she takes care of that, I suppose I'll take care of her next accusation.

Ciel: Which was?

Me: She claims that you are both a pirate and a pimp. The first one I understand, but I'd need her to elaborate on the second one.

Ciel: That's ridiculous! Having an eye patch does _not_ make you a pirate!

Me: No, it makes you a hipster. For reals, I saw a guy my age at this thing wearing one and he was totally fine eyeballs-wise.

Ciel: And how on earth am I a pimp?

Me: And one of his buddies had a pipe but he wasn't smoking anything. He just had it in his mouth for no reason.

Ciel: I'm so confused...

Me: Crazy hipsters.

*Ciel and I take a few minutes to speculate what aspect of his behaviour qualifies as pimp-like and ponder the peculiar behaviour of hipsters*

MLE: BAAAAACK!

Alois: *wearing his own shirt, vest, bow and boots, but shorts of a modest length and a less conspicuous coat* I feel ridiculous. How can you stand wearing this shit, Ciel? You can't even see my legs!

Ciel: That's the point.

Me: I think you look adorable.

MLE: Of course he does! Alois looks good in anything :3

Alois: Thank you.

MLE: You're welcome.

Ciel: Why am I a pimp?

MLE: Oh, is that really the time? I'm afraid I have to go. See you guys later! :D *waves and takes off*

Me: This is going to keep me up at night... Anyway, Ciel, approach the stand!

Ciel: I'm already here.

Me: *sighs* We wouldn't have this problem if you guys weren't so easily punishable.

Ciel: I still don't understand what I'm being accused of!

Me: Ciel Phantomhive, since you are apparently a pirate, I sentence you to speak in 'piratese' for the remainder of the day!

Ciel: What! I'm not doing that!

Me: :| You will if you don't want me to bring the Dementors back.

Ciel: ... F-fine. Arr.

Alois: Oh, this'll be fun! I want to play too! Ciel, I order you to walk my plank!

Ciel: ALOIS, THAT'S DISGUSTING!

Alois: No no, Ciel, what would've been disgusting would be if I had ordered you to swab my poop deck.

Ciel: Ugh, I think I'm going to throw up again.

Me: You mean you'll be seasick.

Ciel: Sure. Arr.

Me: WHICH brings us to that second review I mentioned. _Souhayla_ says, "Could you pweeease let Alois and Ciel kiss? I'm obsessed with this pairingxD never liked yaoi before but with this pairing everything started.. oaauh *thinks about the Alois-licks-Ciel's-ear scene.. smex D*"

Ciel: We're not really taking requests—

Alois: Okay! Let's do it! *lunges for Ciel*

Ciel: Alois, GET OFF OF ME!

Alois: You heard what the reviewer said; we turned her onto yaoi! Do you realize how SEXY that must make us!

Me: *raises hand* I didn't like it either before watching Kuro.

Alois: See? That means we're DOUBLE SEXY, with added SEXINESS for every other fangirl with the same story!

Ciel: I'm not going to kiss you!

Alois: PLEEEEEEAAAAASE? For the fans, Ciel, do it for the FANS!

Ciel: NO—mmfphh

Me: Oh, wow.

Alois: *lets Ciel go* See, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Ciel: *dazed* ... t-terrible...

Alois: Boo. You're no fun.

Me: Well, that's it for today! See—

*Claude stumbles in, still missing his arms and with his face all butchered*

Me: JESUS TAP-DANCING CHRIST!

Alois: Ew! A zombie!

Ciel: I guess not even the bears wanted him. Arr.

Me: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KILL IT!

*Twinkie-loving guy from _Zombieland_ bursts into room and mows Claude-zombie down with an AK-47*

Me: Phew. ANYWAY, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by Ciel's screaming—

Ciel: That was you!

Me: See you all next time, and have a stellar week! I apologize if I don't update right away, but you know, I have to get an education and whatnot. GOOD-BYE! *skips off*

Alois: I'm going to change.

Ciel: Arr.

* * *

5 minutes later:

Ciel sighed and wiped his mouth on his sleeve for the umpteenth time, grumbling under his breath about Alois' unorthodox behaviour. The crappy, under-furnished excuse for a courtroom seemed even emptier in the absence of his noisy co-hosts, and his mutters echoed throughout. His coat was still lying where Alois had left it on the raised desk the three of them sat on.

As Ciel descended the platform, coat in hand, he heard the door behind him open.

"Good, you're still here!" he heard Alois chirp. He was once again in his garishly bright, highly inappropriate attire.

"What do _you_ want?"

Despite the venom in his tone, Alois remained unfazed. "I was wondering if you wanted to grab a bite with me before you go home. I know a really great place just—"

"I don't feel like going anywhere with you after... what you did," Ciel interrupted.

Alois raised an eyebrow. "That's awfully petty of you. It was just a kiss. I did it for the fans."

"Your fans tried to tear you apart."

"You really need to lighten up," Alois accused, meeting Ciel in the center of the room.

"You're the one who needs to lighten up," Ciel shot back before closing the distance between himself and Alois. With one hand on the blonde's shoulder and his neck craned, Ciel pressed his lips to Alois' with the kind of tenderness and warmth that he'd been denied earlier.

Alois uttered an involuntary sigh, too stunned to react in any other way. By the time he'd laid his hand on Ciel's cheek, the shorter boy was pulling away. His cheeks were bright red and his visible eye was shadowed beneath heavy lashes. His eyebrows remained knotted beneath locks of dark hair. Even when he was flustered he managed to maintain some of his usual dignified composure.

"That's how you do it," he said, and stepped around Alois to leave. He paused at the door to shoot Alois one last glance; a warning. "Don't mention this to anyone. Ever. I will _end_ you."

"Of course not, Earl Phantomhive." He was laughing softly to himself.

Ciel thought little of it—he'd never be able to understand Alois' erratic behaviour—and shut the door behind him.

Alois touched his fingers to his lips and smiled. He'd been right all along—this _was_ going to be fun.

* * *

**Because I aim to please ;)**


	4. Chapter 4  The One With the Cow Song

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, AS MUCH AloisxCiel AS I CAN CRAM IN, barely any rage (I'm in such a peaceful mood), an impromptu un-boob job, EXTRA BUTTER, and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**I've recently brushed up on my Harry Potter trivia, and I realized that Alois, by revealing that he could see the Dementors, suggested he was not a muggle...**

**I knew there was something special about that kid.**

**Disclaimer: All your Kuros are belong to Toboso. I also do not own Dementors, Super Soakers, or the Arrogant Worms and their wonderful bovine ballad, which I think I have screwed up the lyrics to, but hell, that's how I learned it.**

* * *

Me: Welcome back, everyone, and Happy Hump-Day!

Alois: There's a DAY for that? Ciel, celebrate with me! *lunges at Ciel*

Ciel: Get the hell off of me, you ignorant twit! You! Obnoxious female! Get him off!

Me: *shrugs* Why mess with a good thing?

Ciel: *shoving at Alois* It's another word for WEDNESDAY, dumbass! Most commonly used by dorks like her who think they're FUNNY.

Alois: *gets off and straightens his clothes* I knew that.

Ciel: Then why—

Me: You look very nice today, Alois. I like your outfit.

Ciel: *looks at Alois*

Alois: You're staring at my legs again!

Ciel: ... You're wearing pants.

Alois: Yes. *throws a leg over Ciel's lap* You like?

Ciel: S-stop touching me!

Alois: They're my new skinny-jeans. I saw one of my fans wearing a pair the other day and her legs looked so attractive and awesome that I thought I'd get a pair for myself!

Ciel: Your fans are all girls.

Alois: I don't see your point, Ciel.

Me: Moving along! We have a lot to do today, so I don't have time for your adorable arguing.

Ciel: It's NOT—

Me: Since our last episode, we've received a mind-blowing total of SIX REVIEWS! That's TWICE AS MANY as last time! That's just, I mean...

Alois: She started crying.

Me: Just about. Thank you so much, all of you! TTuTT

Ciel: I know you're just going to call me greedy again, but six really isn't that much.

Me: |: Is that so? Then you probably wouldn't mind if I locked you in a cage for six days?

Ciel: Well THAT'S a little harsh! Don't you—

Me: I have also heard from our good pally MLE, who explained why exactly Ciel is a pimp. After reading what she wrote I feel like an idiot for not getting it myself! *forehead-palm* I mean, it's just like she said: painfully obvious!

Ciel: Then by all means, please ENLIGHTEN ME.

Me: Get this; 'tis hilarious. *reading from paper* "WELL, if you may look at Ciel, you will notice that he is indeed wearing a large top hat and holding a cane, even though it's obvious that he does not require such an item. Very pimpin attire. To add to this, he also has Sebastian, who is obviously Ciel's bitch. He orders Sebastian around all the time, and probably uses him for sexual favors, and sometimes he even slaps him around. Ciel knows how to keep his bitches in line."

Ciel: ...

Alois: *laughing hysterically*

Ciel: I DON'T ASK SEBASTIAN FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS!

Me: Well if you were his pimp, you wouldn't _have_ to ask, would you?

Alois: *raises hand* Can I sentence him?

Me: By all means.

Ciel: Shit.

Alois: Ciel Phantomhive, please approach the stand!

Ciel: Why does it seem like we're the only two ever being punished? D:

Alois: For displaying very pimpin' behaviour while you are still legally considered a minor, I sentence you to receive a taste of your own medicine! For the remainder of the day, you will be my ho.

Ciel: Over my dead body!

Me: Hey, look what I brought. *sprays Ciel's face with Super Soaker*

Ciel: *wipes face* You can do that all you want; I'm not gonna—fffggplshlhhff

Me: I can bring the Dementors in if you don't feel like playing by the rules.

Ciel: You don't have any control over them! You said so—spppllshrgrffsh

Alois: I'm gonna borrow your top hat, okay?

Ciel: I SAID N—uuffsghhsllphfh

Alois: *hits Ciel upside the head with disco stick* Know your place, bitch!

Me: We don't have time for this! Ciel, just be Alois' ho for one measly little day!

Ciel: I would rather spend the rest of my life wearing a suit made of live kittens.

Alois: Why, so you can be _their_ pimp instead?

Me: That can be easily arranged.

Ciel: I meant... I'd rather... spend the day with Claude-zombie.

Alois: That hurts my feelings D:

Ciel: I don't give TWO SHITS about your feelings!

Alois: That hurts my feelings more!

Me: BRING IN HANNAH AND THE TRIPLETS!

Alois: Oh, great! Hannah knows what it's like to be someone's bitch. Just ask her, Ciel; it's not so bad!

Ciel: You gouged her eye out!

Alois: *latches onto Ciel* But I would never do that to you! You'd be the head ho, and everyone knows the head ho gets special treatment!

Me: HEY! I'm trying to run a courtroom here! For the love of god, Ciel, just cooperate. There'll be sweets in it for you later.

Ciel: ... *sighs* What do I have to do?

Alois: *grins* You'll see! C: *grabs Ciel and runs off*

_6 minutes later:_

*Alois and Ciel return to find that Hannah is receiving breast-reduction surgery from the triplets, who are singing the _Cow Song_ by the Arrogant Worms while the Dementors sit with me in the Earls' spots and eat popcorn*

*with EXTRA BUTTER! HELL YEAH!*

Alois: Awww, we missed the sentencing.

Me: *swallows popcorn and points at Hannah* Charged for being a fan-service whore, sentenced to get rid of those sweater-cows so she'll be extra boring and pointless; *points at triplets* charged for not ever speaking, sentenced to sing the awesomest song I could come up with on a loop.

Thompson: _I am cow, hear me moo,_

Timber: _I weigh twice as much as you,_

Canterburt: _And I look good on barbeque!_

Me: Both charges courtesy of _Misery's Prescription_, to whom I send copious amounts of 'thank-yous' and high fives!

Ciel: ...

Alois: What do you think of Cielly's new look?

Ciel: *dressed like a Japanese schoolgirl in short shorts* *obviously not pleased by it*

Me: Not bad.

Ciel: THIS IS HUMILIATING! *blushing furiously*

Alois: Oh hush, lovey. It could've been so much worse.

Ciel: DON'T CALL ME THAT!

Alois: Ah, but Alois treats his whores with respect! And you already kicked me in the shin for calling you 'bitch'.

Me: That's not very nice, Ciel.

Ciel: *taking deep breaths and struggling to compose himself* I'm just... gonna... sit down somewhere and wait for Alois to get what's coming to him.

Me: *flipping through papers* Actually, no one charged him of anything today.

Ciel: *says something unprintable and steals my popcorn*

Me: BRING IN SEBASTIAN AND GRELL!

Sebastian: *ushered into courtroom by Dementors* There you are, Bocchan! I thought you said this would only take a day or two.

Grell: *attached to Sebastian's leg* Sebas-chaaan? What are we doing in court?

Thompson: _Yogurt, curd, cream cheese and butter's_

Timber: _Made with liquid from my utters,_

Canterburt: _I am cow, I am cow, hear me moo-oo!_

Grell: Could it be? Are we getting MARRIED? Oh, Sebas-chan! It's not as glamourous as I would've liked, but it's a DREAM COME TRUE, nonetheless!

Sebastian: Bocchan... If you don't mind my asking, what are you wearing?

Grell: It's like we're two outlawed lovers on the run! CX Just like Bonnie and Clyde! Kyaaaaaa, how ROMANTIC! *many floaty hearts*

Ciel: *eats popcorn and ignores*

Alois: *bubbly* Ciel is my ho for the day! C:

Sebastian: H-how... lovely, Earl Trancy.

Me: SEBASTIAN! Please approach the stand!

Sebastian: *smiles* My apologies, young lady, but I don't take orders from anyone but my young master.

Me: *turns to Ciel and tries to look pitiful* Help, pweeeease, Cielly? I promise that Alois will get sentenced next time if you do!

Ciel: Fine. Listen to the obnox—I mean the judge, Sebastian.

Sebastian: As you wish, Bocchan.

Me: Sebastian Michaelis, you have been charged by _A chan_ for your quote unquote, "tendency to sleep with sluts!" including an animal tamer from Noah's Ark Circus by the name of 'Beast', a slutty nun, heaven's knows HOW MANY others, and probably a good chunk of your fanbase. How do you plead?

Ciel: You've never let us plead!

Me: Yeah, I just remembered that bit.

Alois: What a shame, hey, Ciel? I bet you'd be real pro at pleading. '_Oh, Alois! Alois, don't stop! Please don't—'_ fffggplshlhhff *gets blasted by Super Soaker*

Ciel: Crap, out of water.

Sebastian: *smiles* Guilty.

Me: And don't even THINK about pleading not guilty, 'cause the evidence is—what now?

Sebastian: Ask Bocchan; I never lie.

Ciel: Yeah, well, you don't always tell the _truth_ either.

Sebastian: And could you truly blame me for the last one? My fans are, without a doubt, the loveliest of all. *flutters eyelashes* *the sound of thousands of girls sighing worldwide resonates throughout the courtroom*

Me: *not really interested in Sebastian* I feel like I should be insulted, but for some reason... I don't care. Maybe it's 'cause you're much better-looking in person.

Grell: *raises death scythe* WATCH WHAT YOU SAY! That's my husband-to-be you're talking about!

Me: Nevermind. It's because of what I'm about to do! As _A chan_ suggested, you are hereby sentenced to allow Grell to have his way with you, as punishment for bestowing the same treatment to helpless women and probably little boys everywhere!

Grell: Our honeymoon already! Ooooh, how exciting! Go on, Sebastian darling, whisk me away so we can ride off into the sunset! *leaps into Sebastian's arms*

Thompson: _I am cow, I have gas,_

Timber: _Methane gas comes out my ass,_

Canterburt: _And out my muzzle when I belch!_

Sebastian: Er, Bocchan, I don't really have to—

Ciel: Listen to the damn judge! *refilling Super Soaker with a can of apple juice*

Alois: Cielly, you better not be planning to—ussspolshhgrrf—*coughing* Oh god, it's all sticky!

Thompson: That's what she said!

*Timber and Canterburt exchange confuzzled glances and begin to wheel the unconscious, notably less busty Hannah away*

Dementors: ...

*Claude-zombie stumbles in, riddled with bullet holes*

Me: THAT'S NOT AS FUNNY THE SECOND TIME. D:

Claude-zombie: ... Well, I just thought, you know... Sebastian has that thing with the cats, and everyone finds it so funny, so I thought _this_ could be _my_ thing.

Ciel: What, showing up where you're not wanted and looking like a jackass? Trust me, you can stop trying so hard.

Alois: Gimme that! *steals Ciel's apple juice gun and douses Claude* Mwahahaha!

Claude-zombie: *screaming and flailing while disintegrating into a puddle of toxic-nastiness*

All: *look questioningly at Alois*

Alois: What? Zombies are allergic to apple juice. I thought that was common sense.

Me: It's news to me.

Ciel: Yeah.

Sebastian: Indeed.

Dementor: Pretty much.

Me: *waving Sebastian and Grell away* Go on, you lovebirds! Go and have the time of your lives!

Grell: *squeals* Oh, Sebas-chaaaaaan! I hope you're well-rested, because you're going to be oh so T-I-R-E-D when I'm done with you! *sparkles and roses and rainbows*

Sebastian: *groans and heads for the door*

Me: Maybe next time you'll think twice before being such a manwhore!

Thompson: _Oh the ozone layer's thinner,_

Timber: _From the outcome of my dinner,_

Canterburt: _I am cow, I am cow, I've got ga-as!_

Alois: *throwing rice*

Ciel: *grumbling about his shorts*

Me: *pivots and looks at Ciel* SO.

Ciel: ... *waiting* So what?

Me: According to our old pal _Sweetie_, I'm supposed to slap you for failure to listen to Sebastian when he told you to stay hidden in the goddamn crate. But...

Ciel: ... *waiting once again* But WHAT?

Me: *smiles* It was so nice how you made Sebastian listen to me! I kind of don't feel like hitting you now! :3

Ciel: Oh. Then you're welcome, I suppose.

Me: But I'm going to anyway because we all could have avoided a lot of shit and Claude if you had.

_SLAP!_

Ciel: ...

Me: I only did that because I love you.

Alois: *perks up* CAN I—

Ciel: NO!

Alois: But you sprayed me with apple juice! I highly dislike apple juice! _AND_ I lo—

Ciel: NO! JUST, NO!

Alois: *pouts* You're not a very obedient ho.

Ciel: I've already reduced myself to dressing like this; what more do you want!

Alois: *grins wickedly* _You KNOW_ what I want!

Ciel: Ugh. *stomps out of courtroom*

Alois: Nooo! Cieeeeeellll! *runs after his ho*

Me: Wait! We're not done yet!

Thompson: _I am cow, here I stand,_

Timber: _Far and wide upon this land,_

Canterburt: _From BC to Newfoundland!_

Me: *checking papers* Oh! Nevermind! :) We _are _done! *tosses paper aside*

Thompson: _From the east coast to the west coast,_

Timber: _You can squeeze my teats by hand,_

Canterburt: _I am cow, I am cow, here I sta-and!_

Me: Alright then. Good-bye, everyone! Many fanks and virtual sweets for the reviews, and have an excellent day/evening/prevening/night/week/month/life! :D

* * *

_And somewhere down the hall..._

"Ciel! Stop running! That's an order!"

_I'd fricken love to_, Ciel thought, cursing his laughable lung capacity as he turned another corner. _But anything's better than letting you catch me_.

"Cieeelll! I hope you realize you're under a court order to listen to me!"

"_You_ gave the order; and the last time I checked, you weren't the judge!" Ciel shouted back, wasting precious oxygen to set the record straight. "Besides, it's the end of the day!"

The pursuing footsteps faltered, then resumed their quick pace. "No it's not!"

"It is somewhere! Oof!" It would appear he had run into a door.

"Gotcha!" Alois proclaimed, prancing down the short corridor.

Ciel pushed frantically at the door—a heavy-looking thing labelled 'Fire Exit'—but to no avail. _Who the hell locks the fire exit?_

"Ciel-ly," Alois crooned, shoving up against Ciel from behind. He uttered another _oof_ as the door handle pressed into his stomach. "You realize that I'm going to have to punish you for this."

"Cut it out! We're not in court anymore!"

"I'm aware of that," Alois stated, his tone deathly serious for a second. "But you should know better than anyone that a pimp's gotta 'keep his bitches in line'."

"You're not a pimp, and I am most certainly not your bitch." Ciel tried the door again, praying to a god he seldom believed in that it would have magically unlocked itself.

Alois was laughing. "I love watching you struggle! Like a little fly stuck in a spider's web..." He grabbed Ciel by the shoulders and spun him around to face him. "I've been thinking about what you said the other day. Actually, I've just been thinking about the other day _period_." Alois leaned forward to skim his nose along the soft curve of Ciel's jaw line, receiving a flinch and an exasperated groan in return. "I had no idea you felt that way about me."

"I don't..."

"But you have no other way to explain your actions." Alois had moved onto Ciel's ear now, tracing the sapphire-coloured stud it held with his tongue. "You'll just have to admit that you want me," he murmured breathily.

Ciel rolled his eyes, but to his chagrin, felt blood rise to his cheeks. No doubt Alois could feel the heat coming off of him. That idiotic tramp really had no sense of personal space. "I'd watch it if I were you."

Alois chuckled, "You don't scare me," and before Ciel could react, Alois pressed his lips to his with enough force to knock his head onto the door with a dull _clang_.

He seemed to catch himself, however, as his mouth and grip loosened on the smaller boy. Ciel sighed with relief, a reaction which Alois mistook for one of pleasure, if his subsequent moaning was anything to go by. The sound caught Ciel off guard—something stirred in his gut and his cheeks grew hotter, his eye fluttering shut. He wasn't sure if he liked it or not.

Before he could officially decide, he was released. Alois grinned at him and tucked a lock of hair behind his ear, looking at him with the expression of someone who had their prey exactly where they wanted them. "Now I'll show _you_ what it's like to be left hanging," he declared, and strode off, leaving Ciel irritated and confused.

* * *

**[EDIT] Ciel's greed is rubbing off on me, so I'm going to propose a little somethin'-somethin' for you guys. If we can get up to 30 reviews, I'll write a nice sexy little oneshot with him and Alois :) Deal? Cool.**


	5. Chapter 5  The One With Alois

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, a healthy helping of randomness with a little llama on the side, some AloisxCiel for dessert, and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**Episode 11... Why must Ciel suffer so? I feel like I need to be nicer to him now ;n;**

**Sorry this took so long! And sorry if it isn't that funny; I'm so exhausted...**

**Disclaimer: All your Kuros are belong to Toboso. As for the rest, I think this time it'd be easier just to say that I own nothing but myself and my dog.]**

**[EDIT] Oh! And my promise for an AloisxCiel oneshot when we hit the 30 review mark still stands!**

* * *

Me: Welcome back, everyone! I hope you all had a good week!

Ciel: I sure as hell didn't.

Me: I see you're as pleasant as always. That's okay, you're forgiven. You *points at Alois* on the other hand...

Alois: *eating waffles and licking syrup off his fork* What?

Me: Don't just sit there and casually eat waffles. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

Ciel: *blushing* H-how do you know!

Alois: Yeah, how? Ciel and I were all the way down the hall.

Me: o.o What?

Ciel: ... O.O Yeah, what? What are you talking about, Alois! Just shut up and eat your waffles!

Me: I was talking about the whole taking-over-Ciel's-body thing. I love you both, but I prefer you separately!

Ciel: So did I.

Me: Like cats and dogs! Both are pretty cool, but if you put them together you get CatDog, and he's funny and all, but I'm not entirely sure how he uses the bathroom!

Alois: What on earth are you talking about?

Me: IT'S JUST WRONG, OKAY!

Ciel: Let's just get this over with. Brittany, how many reviews did we get?

Me: OH MY GOD, SO MANY! *hugs Ciel* SO VERY MANY, MY LOVELY LITTLE CIELLY!

Ciel: P-please let g-go.

Alois: How many?

Me: TEN! That's DOUBLE DIGITS! If I had a dollar for every review I got, I could buy TEN BOXES OF KRAFT DINNER! Do you know how much macaroni and cheese that is? A lot!

Ciel: You guys are making me hungry. Is Sebastian still with Grell?

Me: THANK YOU AGAIN, EVERYONE! *lets go of Ciel* Alright! Let's get started! *reading reviews* Oh? I've been charged?

Ciel: *grabs paper* Someone named _KimiReyesSaavedra _accused you of 'leaving the reviewers hanging'. Meaning what? I don't get it. You answered all of the requests last time.

Me: Hm—oh! Ah! Heh heh. You know what, it doesn't matter what they meant! *flustered* I'll just... I'll go mop up Claude-zombie as my punishment! Yes, that's it. Disregard that one, Ciel! It's taken care of! *runs off to find mop*

Ciel: ...

Alois: ...

Ciel: I see you're wearing shorts again.

Alois: You pay an awful lot of attention to my legs.

Ciel: I'm merely making conversation.

Alois: Sure you are.

Ciel: ...

Alois: ...

Me: Back! Here I go, mopping up Claude-zombie. What a good punishment, eh? This is gross.

Ciel: So, which of Alois' punishments are we carrying out first? I think we should do the fifth one.

Alois: There are FIVE?

Me: No, only three. You meant the fifth review, right? There were two in that one.

Alois: THREE IS STILL A LOT! And who the hell accused me TWICE?

Ciel: I was thinking of doing the second one, but I'm leaning more towards the first now. I'm curious to see how you're going to punish him for dying.

Alois: Who charged me for DYING? THAT WASN'T MY FAULT!

Me: Oh, I thought of something. *tosses mop and joins Ciel on desk* Let's do this!

Alois: Do what? I'm scared!

Me: Alois Trancy, please get off the desk.

Alois: *reluctantly hops down*

Me: You have been accused by _CourtLynn _of dying far too early in the Monoshitsuji series! How do you plead?

Alois: Not guilty! I WAS KILLED! It was out of—_ponk!_ What the hell was that!

Ciel: *holding Nerf dart gun* I was getting tired of Super Soakers.

Me: The judge finds you GUILTY! As your punishment for this heinous crime, you are to live the remainder of your life until I decide you can stop! GO!

Alois: What? What do I do!

Me: Just listen! You're 17 now! What's 17 year-old Alois doing?

Alois: 17? COOL! I'm gonna be a slut! *grabs and Frenches Ciel, grabs and kisses me, runs around the courtroom kissing all the reviewers*

Me: ... U-uh—now you're 21!

Alois: I can drink! *knocks back a few drinks* Ciel, let's dance! *grabs Ciel and starts grinding on him*

Ciel: GET THE HELL OFF ME!

Me: Now you're 27!

Alois: I can legally rent a vehicle! *leaves and drives a rented car into the courtroom wall* SHIT, THERE GOES MY DEPOSIT!

Me: You're 32!

Alois: I'm drunk and broke and lonely! This sucks!

Me: You're 45!

Alois: I think I'm having a mid-life crisis—I'mma get a HARLEY! *runs off and rides in on a motorbike with a leather-clad Hannah on the back*

Me: You're 53!

Alois: That's it, my life is terribly depressing. I'm killing MYSELF. *grabs Ciel's dart gun and shoots himself in the head*

Me: I didn't say it was over yet!

Alois: *glares at me with scary psycho eyes* It's over if I say it is.

Me: *flinches* Okay. Next charge!

Ciel: *tapping papers and smirking* It's Alois again.

Alois: LIKE HELL—

Me: HOW about we just do Hannah's, since she's already here? Alright?

Ciel: Sure. I can wait.

Me: Hannah Something-or-other *too lazy to look up her last name again*, please get your fat ass to the stand!

Hannah: Only if Master wishes it so.

Alois: Just do it. I want to get this day over with.

Me: Hey, your ridiculous boobs grew back D: The triplets worked hard on those!

Hannah: ...

Me: Anyway, _mleleamur_ says, "I accuse Hannah of molesting Cielois in episode 11! There are only like six people who can do that! And one of them is me. And three of them are the triplets. And one of them is Sebastian. And also you, because the judge does whatever the hell they want." Aw, I'm deeply honoured to be a member of the Cielois-molester-six :3

Ciel: *points dart gun at Hannah* How do you plead?

Hannah: Guilty, I suppose. You have my apologies, Masters. I was out of line.

Alois: Bitch done stole my move! Licking people is obviously _my_ thing!

Me: Apologies? We don't accept _apologies_ in this courtroom. What do you think this is, kindergarten? You are hereby sentenced to see for yourself what it's like to be licked by something smelly and repulsive! BRING IN THE LLAMAS!

*a tiny flock of llamas and one horny mule are herded into the room by Dementors. A barrel of molasses is dumped on Hannah's head*

Hannah: *is swarmed by slobbery, bleating beasts that reek of animal shit and decomposing hay* Oh, gross! Master, is this really—a-ah! Ugh, there's so much saliva! Get off of me, you revolting creatures!

Alois: You don't have an original bone in your body, do you? Gah, you and Claude are so alike!

Hannah: B-but, Master, I love you!

Ciel: That's just weird. *shoots Hannah multiple times in the face*

Hannah: *tackled by the horny mule*

Me: Moving along. _CourtLynn'_s second accusation for Alois is as follows: Dying too early, yatta yatta, and "HURTING CIEL'S HOT (13 year old) BODY! No one makes Ciel bleed! We don't need another orgasmic Claude!"

Ciel: No freaking kidding.

Alois: He was fighting back too much! Dumb kid doesn't know when he's been seme'd.

Me: I'm not sure if you can use that as a verb... *shuffling papers* Has anyone seen where I wrote down the punishment?

Ciel: Is it that massive spitball in that llama's mouth?

Me: Ew. I don't want it anymore.

Alois: Great! I'm off the hook!

Ciel: You repetitively smashed my head into solid stone! You're off the hook when I _say_ you are.

Me: *lazy* I guess you can come up with something, Ciel.

Alois: NO! He'll HURT ME!

Ciel: Alois Trancy, for physically abusing my body when I was incapacitated, I challenge you to a sword-on-sword duel. To the death.

Alois: But you'll _WIN_! I don't want to die again!

Me: That's a tad harsh, Ciel. Can't you just slap him around a bit?

Ciel: *grins* That could work.

Alois: NOOO!

Me: Actually, we have more class than that, don't we?

Hannah: WHY DOES THIS MULE SMELL LIKE CLAUDE?

Me: I know! We'll settle it 'Bang' style.

Alois: *smirks* That could work.

Me: Not that kind of 'bang', you frisky dolt. It's a reflex game where you pretend to shoot people until there are only two left. Sometimes it's called 'Splat', where you throw pies; personally I prefer a good combination of the two where you shoot pies out of your fingers—

Ciel: Get on with it!

Me: Anyway, when only two people and the mediator are left standing, they enter a duel-style round. You two, stand back to back!

Alois: Am I going to get hurt?

Me: Not likely.

Ciel: Rats.

Me: Go stand in the center of the room. When I say 'go', you're going to walk ten paces, and I'm going to tell a story. When I say the trigger word, you will turn, finger-pistols drawn, and say 'Bang!', effectively killing your opponent. Whoever shoots first wins!

Ciel: And the trigger word is...?

Me: Sassafras. Ready? Go!

Alois and Ciel: One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.

Me: So, I was at this sandwich store in Saskatoon, and this sasquatch sashays up to me, and he says, 'Damn girl, I like your sassaby—'

Alois: What's a sassaby?

Me: A type of antelope. Now shut up. So I says, 'Well, I like your sassy cats, but Ciel prolly wouldn't—that kid looses his shit around cats,' and he says, 'Wanna go on a safari-style treasure hunt with me in San Francisco?' and I says, 'You bet your salamander!' and he says, 'Cool, meet me on Saturday under the sassafras tree—'

Ciel: *pivots and takes aim* BANG!

Alois: I'VE BEEN HIT! OH, THE TRAGEDY! *reels and falls over dramatically* T-tell Ciel... I lo—

Ciel: I win! In your FACE, Trancy!

Me: BRING IN SEBASTIAN AND GRELL!

*Sebby and Grell are shoved into courtroom*

Sebastian: Bocchan, it isn't gentlemanly to gloat.

Ciel: *pauses his victory-dancing* It isn't gentlemanly to sleep around like a cheap whore either.

Grell: What is that thing doing on the floor?

Ciel: *looking back and forth between the llama-coated Hannah and fake-dead Alois* Which one?

Alois: *gasps, spasms, and sits up briefly* Ciel, my love! P-please, come clo... *resumes dead-ness*

Ciel: Oh, for the love of—ALOIS, just STAND UP.

Me: Grell Sutcliff, please approach the stand!

Grell: :C And who might you be?

Me: The mother-f*cking judge, that's who. Just do as I say, and there won't be any problems.

Grell: *laughs* I'm shaking in my boots~!

Ciel: Sebastian! Make Grell listen to her.

Sebastian: As you wish, Bocchan. *scoops up Grell and heads to the front of the room*

Grell: Oh, Sebby darling! You have such strong arms for someone with such a deliciously trim physique! It's like I don't weigh a thing! I could just—

Me: PLEASE, don't go on. _Usagi M e m o r i e s _has charged you for the malicious and highly uncalled for murder of one Madam Red—simply because she was unable to bring herself to murder her own _nephew_—, deeming you a grade-A 'jackass'. How do you plead?

Grell: *scoffs* I don't need to justify myself to a plain thing like you.

Me: ...

Ciel: GUILTY! Upon the reviewer's suggestion, we have prepared for you to be covered in batter and deep-fried in oil by Sebastian!

Me: Like tempura! Mmmm, tempura...

Grell: But that sounds terrible! Boiling oil can't possibly be good for my pores!

Me: *slicing carrots* Mr. Sebastian, if you could...?

Ciel: *nods in agreement* She may have been a murderous nutcase, but she was the closest thing I had to a mother.

Sebastian: *grins* I would be more than happy to oblige.

Grell: What? Sebas-chan! You wouldn't! Not to me! We're supposed to be a happy couple, remember? Don't you remember our wedding day!

Alois: *still on the floor* Boo hoo, Ciel! We don't need to hear your sob story right now. In case you've forgotten, I'm DEAD. *gets kicked* OW!

Ciel: You can get up any time.

Alois: You guys'll just give me more punishments! I'm fine down here, thank you.

Ciel: Then don't complain!

Grell: Sebas-chaaaan! N—*is rolled in large tub of batter* *spluttering and whining*

Sebastian: *smiling* This colour suits you nicely. *tosses Grell in a vat of boiling oil*

Me: Mine next! *prepares carrots and shrimp and tosses them in with Grell*

Grell: *screaming and flailing*

Hannah: I'M NOT A MULE, YOU IDIOTIC CREATURE! GO BONE SOMETHING OF YOUR OWN SPECIES!

Llamas: Moar molasses plz!

Sebastian: Perhaps if you hadn't held me hostage for four days while committing unspeakable acts against my will, I might have shown some lenience. *shrugs* But as it is, I suppose I will have to carry out this excruciatingly painful punishment for my master's sake. What a pity.

Me: *eating carrots* Ah! I almost forgot; Alois has one more charge against him.

Alois: No I don't! I'm DEAD!

Grell: AAGHH! I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!

Ciel: Yes you do. *reading reviews* Oh. Pfft. That's not as fun as I anticipated.

Me: _mleleamur_ wishes to accuse you of being "too god damn adorable" and making her feel like a pedophile. *sigh* I know the feeling...

Alois: First too sexy, now too cute! Make up your goddamn mind, woman! What do you want from me!

Grell: *surfaces from oil* Maybe you should try dressing like the plain girl, since she's obviously neither.

Me: Just CRAM IT already.

Ciel: Can I have some of that?

Me: Sure. *shares tempura*

Alois: What are you going to do to me? You're not going to ruin my beautiful face, are you!

*drippy, holey, highly disfigured Claude-zombie stumbles in*

Claude-zombie: My Master's in trouble...

Me: WHY WON'T YOU DIE! D:

Ciel: *throws up*

Hannah: CLAUDE, HELP!

Alois: GET OUT OF HERE! YOU'RE NOT THE CLAUDE I LOVE, YOU IMPOSTER!

Claude-zombie: B-but I... I am!

Sebastian: I'll take care of this. *raises vat of oil, ushers Claude-zombie outside, and empties contents of vat on his head*

Claude-zombie: Noooooooo! I'm MELTING! IT BURNS!

Grell: *lands on Claude-zombie* Oof! Ew, what is this thing?

Me: This needs to stop happening.

Ciel: Unh...

Me: Anyway, as I was going to say, the problem lies not in Alois' appearance, but his age.

Alois: Well EXCUSE ME for not being a suitable age for your sick fantasies!

Me: You're excused. We can fix this, though; we simply need to lie about your age! We'll just have to throw a few birthday parties, and then no one can accuse MLE or myself or anyone else our age of being a cougar!

Ciel: Just having a party won't—

Me: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you! Happy BIRTHDAY, dear Alois! Happy birthday to you! Now make a wish! *shoves cake with lit candles under Alois' nose*

Alois: Cool! Why can't all my punishments be like this? *blows out candles*

Me: Now open your presents! *hands over wrapped box*

Ciel: Where are you getting all this stuff from?

Alois: Hooray! A Ciel plushie! Now I'll never be without my precious little Cielly!

Me: Ciel? What'd you get him for his fifteenth birthday?

Ciel: It's NOT ACTUALLY—

Alois: Wow, Ciel, showing up without a gift? That's pretty rude of you.

Ciel: Uh, no, just a sec. *searches pockets* Um, here.

Alois: A gift card to Chapters? Why on earth would I want to waste my time reading books?

Ciel: It wouldn't kill you to try and culture yourself.

Me: I love Chapters! I'll trade you for this lock of Ciel's hair!

Alois: Okay!

Ciel: *patting his head* Where'd you—

Sebastian: *returns* Bocchan, surely you can come up with a greater gift than that. You're disgracing the Phantomhive name.

Ciel: Then DO SOMETHING about it!

Me: Wow, Alois, the big one-six already?

Alois: Yeah, well, time flies when you're having fun.

Sebastian: *grinning* As you wish. Earl Trancy, Miss, if you could excuse us for a moment, I will take care of the cake for Earl Trancy's sixteenth.

Me: Certainly.

Sebastian: *drags Ciel away*

Ciel: What are we—*door shuts*

Hannah: ...

Alois: I think she was licked to death...

Me: Serves her right.

Alois: ...

Me: ...

Alois: Did you hear about that guy who died watching _Eclipse_?

Me: What a terrible way to go.

Alois: Tragic, really.

Sebastian: *wheels in a massive three-tiered cake, followed by the triplets and Phantomhive Servantrio*

Finny: A party! A party! We're going to a party!

Mey-Rin: I look forward to tasting Mr. Sebastian's cake! I'm sure it'll be wonderful :3

Bard: It's awesome that even us servants were invited.

Triplets: ...

Alois: Amazing! What a big cake!

Sebastian: *smirking* I assure you, Earl Trancy, it gets better.

Me: Where's—

Ciel: *bursts out of cake, frowning* Happy birthday, Alois.

Alois: *clapping* Yay~! How exciting!

Me: *snorting*

Ciel: *glaring*

Finny: Wow, that looked so fun, Young Master! Can I try?

Bard and Mey-Rin: *grab Finny*

Bard: Maybe that's not the greatest idea...

Ciel: Someone get me out of here!

Alois: Not until I blow out my candles! *prances forward, takes a deep breath, and exhales*

Me: You missed one! Alois has ONE boyfriend!

Alois: Do I really? I pick Ci—

Ciel: DON'T EVEN.

Alois: But Ciel~! I'm the birthday boy!

Ciel: You are NOT. Sebastian, get me out of this cake!

Me: Alois, open your present!

Alois: *unwraps item* Lady Gaga's new album? Awesome! I love her!

Finny: Young Master looks so cute up there!

Mey-Rin: This _is _good cake C:

Bard: Didn't I tell you so?

Ciel: SEBASTIAN!

Sebastian: Calm down, Bocchan. *removes Ciel from cake*

Alois: Thank you, Ciel! Your gift has made me the happiest sixteen year-old—

Ciel: YOU'RE NOT SIXTEEN!

Alois: You're just upset because now I'm too old for you. That's okay; love isn't measured in years!

Ciel: FOR THE LAST TIME—

Me: That's it for today! Thank you again for all the reviews, and I hope you have a wonderful week!

Finny: Good-byyeee~!

* * *

_After the party ends and the courtroom empties..._

_I can't believe I let these things happen to me._

"Ciel!"

_Every time, it's the same thing!_

"Ciel?"

_I show up here after having suffered through some confusing mess with Claude and Hannah and Alois, and my soul all tinkered with and everything fucked up, only to be further humiliated, insulted, pushed around, interrupted—_

"Ciel!"

"WHAT?"

"Calm down, I just wanted to show you something!"

Ciel inhaled deeply and rubbed at his throbbing temple. "What is it, Alois? Make it quick; I want to go home."

"Don't worry. You'll like it." Ciel watched with mild curiosity as Alois flung open the courtroom doors, stepping out for a brief moment. He returned seconds later, cradling something black and squirmy in his arms, beaming from ear to ear like the cat that just caught the mouse.

"What the hell is that?"

"It's a dog!"

The black squirmy thing looked at Ciel with wide, moist eyes half-hidden with an overhang of grey fur. It was a dog alright; mostly onyx in colour save for the paws, muzzle and brow, which were the white of dirty snow. The dog's facial colouring created the impression of a bushy-browed, bearded old man. Its tail began to flick back and forth.

"Where'd you get it?"

"I borrowed it from that girl! You know, the judge!"

Ciel began to scratch the sweet spot behind the dog's ears. "Why would you do that?"

"I remembered you mentioning that you like dogs, and I know you used to have one. Here." Alois thrust the bundle of fur into Ciel's arms. The dog wriggled until finding a comfortable position against Ciel's chest, tongue lolling about from the effort and excitement of new faces.

"She's cute," he murmured, scratching beneath the dog's muzzle while she made playful attempts to bite his fingers.

"I felt like I owed you, what with all the crap I've been putting you through lately, and now today..."

"That's pretty-" Ciel paused in search of the best word, "decent of you, Alois. Thank you. I appreciate the gesture."

"Really?" Alois threw his arms around Ciel, laughing. "I'm so glad!"

"Hey! Watch the dog!" Ciel drew back, his gaze fixed into the annoyed look Alois knew so well. But the slightest hint of a tug at the edge of his lips made Alois hopeful.

Ciel knelt against the doorjamb and let the dog prance in joyous circles around him, leaping occasionally to lick his cheek with her tiny pink tongue. He held her up to his face and smiled a genuine smile, remembering a time when his own dog would do the same. She squirmed out of his grasp, made herself comfy on his lap, and dropped her head to have a nap. "Lazy dog," Ciel accused, stroking her thick fur.

Alois seated himself beside Ciel and scratched the dog's head as he'd seen him do. Her eyelids drooped in contentment. _I wonder if that works on Ciel_, Alois pondered, then thought better of it. He'd never seen the boy light up like this. How awful it'd be to do something that might wipe the bliss from his face.

For a long, peaceful moment they simply sat and watched the sleeping animal breathe. "Thank you," Ciel said again, his voice soft. He turned to face Alois, gracing him with that rare, enchanting smile, and did something that shocked them both. He planted a kiss on the blonde boy's lips, warm and sweet and _oh so_ delicious. Alois was pleasantly dazed and pink-cheeked by the time Ciel finally pulled away.

He raised an eyebrow questioningly, but received nothing more than Ciel's usual impassive expression. Apparently this was another one of those instances that would not leave the room.

_That's fine_, Alois mused. At the moment he was happy enough simply to have done something right.

* * *

**I thought Ciel deserved something nice for once :3**

**Apparently in the dog-grooming world the sort of dull black colour of my dog's coat is referred to as '_phantom_-coloured'. I'm not even making that up.**


	6. Chapter 6 The One With Lau and the Pervs

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, minor bondage, AloisxCiel, A STELLAR DANCE-OFF FO YO ASSES, perverts, and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**I'm finally done this chapter, so I can finally watch the last episode! Huzzah!**

**Disclaimer: All your Kuros are belong to Toboso. **_**Je pense **_**that we have established I don't own anything cool.**

* * *

Me: _Bienvenue_, everyone! I hope you're all enjoying your week.

Ciel: How long do you intend to drag this out for? It's getting boring.

Me: *frowns* A piece of work like this is only as boring as the people in it, _Ciel_. Perhaps you should try being less of a spoilsport.

Alois: I'm still enjoying myself. I get to spend all day torturing people!

Me: See? Alois has the right idea. Why can't you be more like him?

Alois: Plus there's cake.

Ciel: You can't seriously—

Me: But I guess since this is SUCH a waste of time in your OH-SO EVENTFUL life, we should just get on with it! Since the last episode we've received seven reviews, yippee-ky-yay! Thanks a bunch! Have some cookies, yatta yatta. *exaggeratedly high-pitched imitation of Ciel* '_But seven is such a meager little amount to my spoiled little boy brain! How can you possibly be satisfied with so little?_' Well, Ciel, how can you possibly be such a bitter poophead day after day? Doesn't it get tiring? '_Scratch that, I know now; it's because you're just a filthy peasant who's exploiting me for her own-self satisfaction.'_ Wow, Ciel. That's so profound. Do you want a gold star or something? By the way, what are you doing with my dog?

Ciel: *glaring*

Alois: You lent her to me, remember? And Ciel's dog-sitting her.

Me: *whistling* Sammie! Come here, girl!

Ciel: *nonchalantly pets dog*

Me: What'd you do?

Ciel: Nothing!

Me: Then why won't—

Ciel: Maybe if you fed her better every now and then she'd like you too.

Me: ... You stole my dog.

Ciel: ...

Me: YOU STOLE MY DOG!

Ciel: I didn't steal her; she just likes me better—

Me: I ACCUSE YOU OF STEALING MY DOG! YOU'RE GUILTY! GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY! YOU ARE HEREBY SENTENCED TO ACT AS A REPLACEMENT UNTIL I DECIDE OTHERWISE! *knocks Ciel off desk and buckles collar around his neck*

Alois: And _this_ is why I enjoy being here!

Me: BARK! _BARK,_ GODDAMNIT!

Ciel: Like hell I will! I don't have to listen to you!

Me: Don't make me get the—

Ciel: The WHAT? The Dementors? They don't actually obey you!

Me: THE CATS! I brought CATS!

Ciel: ... Woof.

Me: *smiles* There. That wasn't so hard, was it?

Ciel: The moment your back is turned... *grumbling*

Alois: I would like Ciel's leash, please.

Ciel: Hell no! I'm taking this off!

Alois: No you're not. *attaches padlock to buckle* *grins maniacally* This is going to be a good day.

Ciel: Alois! Unlock me this instant!

Alois: NEVER! You're my precious pet now, Ciel!

Me: First on the docket for today, we have an accusation from the lovely _Misery's Prescription_, who says, "I now sentence MANGELA! For trying to get with Sebastian (I'm sorta surprised he refused... dirt man-wh^ore...) on multiple occasions and being an all round b^itch. Punishment shall be face-rape by your awesome dementors D ...and Grell :3 Mangela's a dude as well, he should be right at home..." I agree entirely! A dude with boobs, but a dude nonetheless. BRING IN MANGELA!

*the horrendous tranny is ushered in by Dementors*

Me: I wonder if this'll work... Does it even have a soul?

Angela: Of course I have a soul! And it is the purest and most untainted of them all!

Me: I dunno, I'm pretty sure bestiality is frowned upon by the man upstairs.

Alois: OW! Ciel, you bit me!

Ciel: If you don't take this collar off of me in the next thirty seconds, I am going to rip your stupid little head right off your shoulders.

Angela: *scoffs at my mortal ignorance* It's not _bestiality_. Pluto doesn't count as—

Me: No one _cares_. Dementors, if you wouldn't mind...?

Ciel: Twenty-nine, twenty-eight...

Alois: I don't want to!

Ciel: Twenty-seven, twenty-six...

Ash: Stay back, dirty cretins! You are unworthy of feasting upon an unadulterated specimen such as myself!

Sebastian: *just showed up with Grell* Unadulterated? What a joke.

Grell: Sebas-chaaaan, why must you keep bringing me back to this horrid place?

Ciel: Twenty-three, twenty-two...

Alois: Stop counting! You're scaring me!

Ciel: TWENTY-ONE, TWENTY...

Ash: Well if it isn't _Sebastian_! Come back for more, have you?

Grell: BACK OFF, BITCH! *lunges for Mangela*

Sebastian: *raises eyebrow* This could get interesting.

*The Viscount of Druitt bursts into the courtroom in an explosion of glitter and roses*

Druitt: I have arrived for the trial! I am deeply honoured to have been asked to assist the judge!

*all nine heads turn in the Viscount's direction*

Me: ... I invited you two weeks ago.

Ciel: Good lord...

Druitt: Oh? Oh! What a catastrophic turn of events! It would seem my invitation has fallen victim to the ruthless seas of the postal service's incompetence! The letter washed up only recently on the shores of mine eyes—

Me: Yeah, okay. Would you like to stay and help or not?

Ciel: Please don't.

Me: Why not? It'll amuse me.

Druitt: I would be most thrilled to observe such an affair! Thank you kindly, young lady, for the opportunity.

Me: *grinning* Young lady...

Grell: *conversing with Dementor* He did WHAT? That wretched she-man! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD, YOU VOMITROCIOUS SKANK! *grabs Mangela's head and starts shaking it*

Ash: Unhand me, you abomination! There is no room in God's kingdom for filth of your ilk! You will burn in the fires of Hell for this!

Ciel: You have eighteen seconds before that's _your_ head.

Alois: I refuse! You wouldn't actually hurt me.

Ciel: Seventeen, sixteen...

Alois: SHUT UP!

Angela: You wouldn't hurt a woman, would you?

Sebastian: Psh, I wouldn't call you a woman. I would know.

Angela: Then explain these! *moves to tear open jacket*

Me: Oh no, you don't. *shoots Mangela multiple times in the face with a paintball gun*

Sammie: This is just going to escalate until you have a real gun, isn't it?

Me: Indeed, my clever pet.

Ash: You've sullied my suit!

Me: You've sullied my courtroom with your fugly face! Dementors, please!

The trio of Dementors close in on the appalling she-man, their decaying, lipless maws gaping to unleash a stench the likes of which could not be matched even in the foulest bowels of Hell. They grasp at the man/lady with bony, rotting hands, digging their sharpened fingertips into his/her flesh. He/she screams once before his/her face is entirely engulfed by the soulless beasts. His/her muffled cries can be heard from the mass of swirling shadows and fog in the centre of the courtroom. A single black-gloved hand grasps desperately at air, only to be swallowed once more. Within seconds, the only sounds that can be heard are the girlish squeals of the redheaded Shinigami and the awed gasps of the Viscount.

Druitt: Oh! What a marvelous performance! Like the final plunge of a sword at the conclusion of a play; the foul antagonist is vanquished and the hero, no longer burdened by the yearning for his vengeance, can finally rest! *applauding* Beautiful, simply beautiful!

Ciel: Thirteen, twelve...

Alois: I LOST THE KEY, OKAY?

Ciel: ...

Me: Thank you, Viscount, for setting us up perfectly for the next charge on the docket. Would Lau and Fred Abberline please enter the courtroom?

*the ghost of Fred Abberline drifts in with Lau and Ranmao*

Lau: Hello, Lord Earl. My, what an interesting enterprise you're running here...

Ciel: *glances from half-eaten Mangela to paintball gun-wielding judge and clapping Viscount* I assure you, this isn't my doing.

Abberline-ghost: This is an unusual-looking courtroom... Surely this isn't a branch of the municipal judicial system?

Alois: Why is he a ghost, but I'm not?

Me: Because he's a martyr, and therefore his death was legit. But I refuse to believe that you've died, so you remain.

Ciel: Sebastian, remove this collar immediately!

Sebastian: *smiles* But it is such a fitting look for you.

Ciel: THAT'S AN ORDER!

Me: Lau, you are accused of being a total dickwad and trying to murder Earl Phantomhive, which inadvertently resulted in the death of one Fred Abberline of the Scotland Yard. Also of lacking a last name. What are you, a stripper? How do you plead?

Lau: *smiling* Guilty. But I would advise against taking any further action against me. I believe you'll find that your plans will not benefit you in the least.

Me: As they were never intended to. Your sentence was meant to provide reparation for the deceased.

Lau: Ah. And what exactly is my sentence?

Me: *not amused* You and the ghost of Fred Abberline will have a sword-on-sword duel to the death!

Abberline-ghost: Oh, I don't want to settle this with violence. I am quite content with the choice I made.

Me: You're going to fight him, and you're going to like it! I'm upset that you were killed so needlessly, and I think you deserve some compensation!

Alois: They should have a DANCE-OFF!

Druitt: Oh, absolutely! I would undoubtedly enjoy nothing more than to witness a competition of grace and coordination between a stripper and a ghost!

Me: A dance-off? That could work... LAU, PREPARE TO GET SERVED! HIT IT!

*a track suitable for a dance-off of this sort begins to play. Imagine what you will*

Lau: I rather think I'd be doing to serving.

Me: Alois, help me narrate this shit.

Alois: In the red corner, weighing in at 153 pounds, we have the King of Opium, the guy whose sight transcends his own eyelids, and the man who is most likely responsible for Ciel's pimp-like behaviour—

Ciel: Hey!

Alois: Give it up for LOOSE LAU!

Druitt: *applauding like crazy* Ooh, how exciting!

Me: And in the blue corner, weighing in at absolutely nothing, I present to you the man with the heart of gold, the preggers wife, and killer hair: Let's hear it for Fresh Fred Abbs the Family Man! Oh yeah!

Druitt: The suspense is murderous!

Lau: *begins to bust a move*

Me: And Loose Lau makes the first move, starting us off with a perverted bang! This here is a schoolboy favourite that I myself picked up sometime during Catholic school: The Male Chicken Dance!

Alois: And here he goes; boob grab, double ass smack, va-va-voom and pelvic thrust! Beautifully executed!

Me: Fresh Fred looks downright offended. I wouldn't want to see what happens to the punk that has the nerve to do that in front of his kid!

Alois: How will he follow Lau's obvious mastery of the fine art of dancing? With... the Single Ladies dance! Look at those hips go!

Me: Show him how it's done, Fred! Put a ring on it!

Alois: Fresh Fred wraps it up with a good butt slap; didn't see that one coming. Nicely done!

Druitt: How lovely! Like the graceful ballet of a pristine white swan on a lake of sapphire glass!

Me: And Lau jumps right into... the Hare Hare Yukai dance, a well-known favourite with anime-fanatics worldwide. If the objective here were to impress the Kuro fans, Loose Lau might just have the upper hand!

Alois: Look at that Asian go! He's just about done, and OH! That slip of the foot is going to cost him!

Me: If Fred can execute his next dance perfectly, he has this competition in the bag.

Alois: And here he goes, beginning with a Moonwalk, now some pop-locking, oh, wow! I didn't know a human body could do _that_!

Lau: That's not fair; he doesn't have a body!

Me: Wow, sensational back flip! Now the finale: a quintuple head-spin, moving into some business with only one hand touching and the ground and his feet all over the goddamn place. I really have no words to describe what I am witnessing, but if you've ever seen any of the _Step Up_ movies, you'll get the idea! Absolutely stunning!

Alois: Just mind-blowing!

Me: I think we have an obvious winner; Fresh Fred, the tightest brake-dancing ghost I've ever had the privilege of watching! Bravo! *applauding*

Druitt: _Trés magnifique!_ Ah, I'm tearing up!

Abberline-ghost: Thank you, thank you.

Lau: Ah, well, perhaps I will win another time.

Alois: You just got SERVED, Asian!

Me: Now that that's taken care of, I have an interesting suggestion from a new reviewer by the name of _Anfi_, who is quite fond of Alois.

Alois: Much obliged. *smiles sweetly*

Me: In order to make Alois happy, she has accused Ciel of being two-faced, and has requested that he ingest a truth serum of sorts, forcing him to be entirely honest about his feelings towards Alois! Doesn't that sound like fun?

Ciel: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Me: So I have taken the liberty of acquiring a Veritaserum Truth Potion for our purposes. Ciel? If you would?

Ciel: I will NOT.

Alois: Come on, Cielly! I'll be completely honest with _you_!

Ciel: I don't care.

Alois: Well, if you must know, at first I was only interested in you physically. I mean, you have such an adorable little body—

Ciel: STOP SPEAKING!

Alois: And I was really only after you in the first place because I wanted to get back at Sebastian. But now that I know it's not even him I was angry at, that part doesn't matter anymore, and you and I can just be happy together!

Ciel: Your idea of being 'happy together' is far too disturbing for me to even _consider_ such a suggestion.

Alois: *serious* It's not up for consideration. Now drink! *forces potion down Ciel's throat*

Ciel: *coughing* Ugh...

Alois: SO, how do you feel about me?

Ciel: I'm angry at you.

Alois: I meant in general.

Ciel: I am generally angry at you.

Alois: Do you love me?

Ciel: No.

Alois: But you don't hate me either?

Ciel: I do not.

Alois: And yet you _claim_ you do.

Ciel: Affirmative.

Alois: THIS ISN'T WORKING!

Me: Let me try. Ciel, is there anything about Alois that you like?

Ciel: Yes.

Me: *grinning* What is it?

Ciel: His persistence. I admire it.

Me: See? There you go. He admires your persistence.

Alois: He sure doesn't act like it. What's your favourite part of my body?

Ciel: Your eyes. They're creepy, but I like them. And your hair is nice and fluffy.

Alois: Liar! *slaps Ciel* What about my legs?

Me: Why do you act like you hate him?

Ciel: I hate how he acts. He has no respect for me.

Me: There, Alois. Just show the kid a little class.

Alois: But that'll be _haaarrrrd._

Me: Not really. You just have to acquire some manners, listen when he tells you to get off of him (which happens quite a lot, I must say), maybe ask him about himself every now and again, like a proper boyfriend—

Alois: Like you'd know what one of those is like! That's a lot of work; I'm not sure if he's worth it.

Ciel: I resent that last comment. Alois, you whine too much.

Alois: When is this going to wear off?

Me: *shrugs* You gave him the whole bottle. Generally the suggested does is only a few drops.

Alois: Well then.

Me: Yeah.

Ciel: I don't want to have to be honest! If I don't have the ability to shut myself off from people, I'll be far too vulnerable! I won't have anything going for me except for my superior intelligence and maturity.

Me: True wisdom is knowing you know nothing, Ciel.

Ciel: Don't preach at me.

Me: Alright! What's next? *checks papers* Ah yes, a suggestion from my good friend Laura.

Alois: You know, Ciel, you didn't answer me when I asked about your opinion on my legs.

Ciel: I think you flaunt them shamelessly and you come across as a tart because of it.

Alois: But do you like them?

Ciel: *looks frantic and covers his mouth*

Alois: Ciel? Take your hands off!

Ciel: *shakes head*

Me: As per Laura's suggestion, I am now going to humiliate and mentally scar Hannah Anafloozy for making that ridiculous contract with Cielois. Laura wanted me to parade her around creep-central in that demon-skank outfit of hers so that she'll get picked up by some gross old man, but I'm going to go the extra mile and auction her off to a whole bunch of them!

Ciel: *shudders*

Me: Yeah, fun times, amiright?

Ciel: You are not.

Alois: What did you say when you covered your mouth?

Ciel: *throws hands over mouth again*

Alois: Stop doing that! I can't hear you when you do that!

Ciel: *muffled* That's the point.

Me: Viscount, if I may...?

Druitt: Yes?

Me: Would you be so kind as to permit me the use of your auction house?

Druitt: If you don't mind that it is a little... untidy, then yes.

* * *

_And because Laura also accused me of hurting her eyes with my atrocious formatting:_

"You call this untidy?" Ciel scoffed. "There's blood everywhere!"

"And whose fault was that?" Brittany replied.

The Viscount of Druitt glanced around fretfully. "Am I going to get in trouble again for this?"

"You are not. I had a glamour cast over this place so that no one but those here on peaceful business can see it."

"So now you're a Shadowhunter as well as a wizard?" Laura said with unconcealed sarcasm.

"Hey, when you're writing your own piece of crack you can do whatever you damn well want. I'm already going to the trouble of typing out all the 'said's and 'asked's for you, so the least you can do is shut your imaginary pie hole."

"How offensive."

"I don't like being here," Ciel monotoned. "It reminds me too much of the fear of being raped."

"You should be used to that by now," Alois piped up.

"I'm getting there."

"Moving along! Thanks to the flyers we put up, we should have a full house in about—" Brittany paused to check her watch, "five minutes!"

_5 minutes later:_

The auction house was alive with the buzz of a hundred perverts chatting excitedly. The Viscount was making a long-winded introductory speech on the desirable qualities of the night's product (kudos to the man for being able to come up with any), and Hannah was secured in a blanketed cage behind him. The four younguns were puttering about backstage. Ciel was still under the influence of the Veritaserum.

"Who's your favourite singer?"

"I don't have one."

"Favourite movie?"

"_Beauty and the Beast._"

"I assume in this scenario _I_ am the beauty and _you_ are the beast?" Alois inquired.

"_Be our guest, be our guest, put our service to the test!_" Laura belted out.

"_Try the grey stuff, it's delicious. Don't believe us? Ask the dishes!_" Brittany finished in her obnoxious fail-sing.

"What do you think of my ass?"

Ciel flushed and buried his face in his hands.

"Answer me, god damnit!" Alois shouted, shaking Ciel's head.

"Oh, I think it's starting!"

The adolescents popped their heads out from behind the curtains and watched as the sheet over Hannah's cage was whipped off. The demoness was bound, gagged and suited up in her appallingly slutty probably-several-sizes-too-small outfit. A chorus of gasps and one delighted shriek rang from the crowd of congregated perverts.

"As you can see," the Viscount went on, "she has but one eye. This is merely a sign that she has already been broken in." He chuckled once, receiving a few laughs in return. "Her enduring eye is as lovely as the sea under a twilit sky, made all the more precious because it is one of a kind! We will start the bidding at one thousand pounds."

"The man's an artist," Brittany murmured.

"I'm the one who did that to her!" Alois reminded everyone. "Where's my credit?"

"That is the most off-putting thing you've said all day," Ciel mumbled.

"But she's a woman!" someone in the crowd exclaimed.

"Yes, where are the little boys we were promised?"

"Yeah!"

"The boys! The boys!"

"Your flyers promised small boys!"

Two and a half sets of eyes turned to look questioningly at Brittany. "What? Don't act like you haven't noticed what an adolescent-boy-fetish the lot around here seem to have. I assumed it would make the turnout greater."

"Yes, but now they're angry."

"Where are our boys?" one of the perverts demanded, scrambling onto the stage. The Viscount began to back away, hands held defensively in front of him.

"There are some backstage, but they are not for sale."

"He probably shouldn't have said that," Alois murmured.

"The boys are backstage!" the man onstage yelled to his fellow perverts. A roar of cheers rang throughout the auction house, and in seconds the stage was rushed by the crowd.

"Run!" Alois cried, yanking Ciel by the wrist and fleeing the wave of enraged pedophiles.

"I'm scared!" Ciel blurted out.

Brittany heroically leapt directly into the crowd's path, hands out in a _Stop! Can't-touch-this_ manner.

"Ew, a female."

"If you want the boys, you must earn them! I will reveal their whereabouts to the first person to bring me that woman's remaining eye!"

"The eye! Get the eye!" the leader shouted, and began shouldering his way back through the mob. The rest of the perverts followed suit.

Hannah tried to yell something, but ended up choking around the rag in her mouth. Within seconds, the door to her cage was wrenched open and she disappeared from sight. The cheering of the crowd escalated to a greater din with the addition of her strangled screams. A few shouts were clear enough to overhear:

"How much boy can I get for her arm?"

"I think I've got it!"

"That's _my _eye, you idiotic dickweed!"

"Can I have the body when you're done?"

Brittany and Laura shared a good laugh and left the building to get ice cream.

* * *

"Thank you, Alois," Ciel panted, leaning heavily against the blonde as they made their way through the winding corridors out of the house. The worst part of the Veritaserum, he'd come to realize, was that he could no longer lie to himself. Unable to assure himself that he was unafraid, he had felt the effects of fear for the first time in ages.

"It was no problem. I want to get torn apart by some old man as much as the next guy, but hey, anything for Ciel."

"I wouldn't want that to happen."

"Trust me, it isn't pleasant," Alois muttered. "I would know."

"I meant that I wouldn't want that to happen to _you_."

Alois raised an eyebrow at the smaller boy. Frustrated by his two-facery once more, he stopped in his tracks and turned to face Ciel. "Is that so?"

"It is so."

"You know, even though you've been completely honest all afternoon, I still don't understand you!"

"I'm contemplating ki—" Ciel blurted, only to clap his hands over his mouth before he could continue.

"What? _What_?" Alois pulled at the boy's wrists, but to no avail. He kept on, though, and was awarded with a spew of words from between Ciel's fingers: "—kissing you right now!"

"Really?" Alois demanded with sarcastic interest. "By all means, go ahead! Because while _I_ get all kinds of crap for kissing _you_ against your will, you can do it to me whenever you god damn well want? That seems perfectly fair, you insolent little knob!"

"Your sarcasm has little to no affect on me."

Alois groaned and threw up his arms in exasperation. Ciel leapt at the chance and grabbed Alois by the collar, yanking him against himself and latching onto his gaping lips with fervent energy. Another thing about the Veritaserum: he couldn't deny to himself what he was aching to do.

Alois sighed in annoyance, filling Ciel with the wet heat of his breath. He felt what he assumed to be an inkling of remorse for bestowing the same treatment to Ciel time and time again, and remorse was _not _something he dealt with well. In a fit of vengeance he grabbed the smaller boy by the shoulders and shoved him against the nearest wall.

Ciel grunted in pain, but refused to relinquish his grip on Alois. The tables were finally turned—Alois was pissed off, and he was the cause. Ciel realized with pleasure how much he enjoyed coaxing such a heated reaction from the other boy. He gripped the roots of Alois' fair hair, entangling his fingers in the golden locks, and even allowed a moan to escape from his lungs—something he would later kick himself for.

Alois had to admit that there was something enjoyable about Ciel's sudden enthusiasm, but overshadowing that was his irritation over the fact that he, _Alois Trancy_, was allowing himself to be overcome by a shrimpy little thirteen year-old. _And what kind of message would I be sending if I let this go on?_

Somewhat reluctantly, Alois pried Ciel off of him and pinned him to the wall by his wrists. "That's enough."

Ciel set his jaw. "I wasn't finished."

"You are when I say you are." Alois released the boy and began to walk away.

His arm was grabbed. "Alois—"

The boy in question pivoted to give Ciel a look that sent chills down his spine. He spat, "You are some piece of work, you know that, Phantomhive?" and strode away.

* * *

**Oh snap!**

**Does anyone else have issues with the script-stlye formatting, or is Laura just getting on my case for nothing?**


	7. Chapter 7 The One With Much Ciel Bashing

**The following program contains more coarse language than usual, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, many spoilers, AloisxCiel, SebastianxCiel, A LOT OF PICKING ON CIEL FOR HIS JACKASSERY, conveniently appearing closets, and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**I know I promised a oneshot when we reached 30 reviews, and we are well over that (TTuTT thank you so very much!), but there were a lot of grave injustices in that last episode that needed to be addressed ASAP.**

**I tried formatting it properly, I really did, but it came out all... not as funny. And I got massive writer's block. So it's like, half-and-half. Sorry if that bothers you! (I'm probably just making it worse by pointing it out; everyone just ignore the crappy punctuation and it'll all be fine!)**

**Disclaimer: All your Kuros are belong to Toboso. **_**Je pense **_**that we have established I don't own anything cool.**

**P.S. '**_**Et merda'**_** was the Urban Dictionary word of the day, and means 'and shit' in Latin (like etc., but etm.) I'm highly amused by it and will probably say it several times. I'm done talking now.**

* * *

Me: *bursts into courtroom* I have _such_ a bone to pick with you, Phantomhive!

Ciel: Get in line. *angrily sips tea* I don't understand why everyone's taking their anger out on me! Alois is the one who had me demonized!

Alois: Hey, lay off! You should be thanking me. I was doing you a favour, protecting your soul for you.

Ciel: Trust me, that was no favour.

Me: We're not mad at you for _that. _Everyone's mad because you're being such a dickhead to Sebastian. People actually like him, because unlike _you_, he has a little _integrity_.

Ciel: *snorts* I have integrity.

Me: Oh really? Where is it, squashed beneath your massive ego? Seriously, now that you're a demon yourself, you don't need Sebastian to babysit you anymore. AND—" seeing Ciel about to protest, she held up a hand to stop him, "if your argument is that you did it so you would never be without his company, I'm sure that if you weren't such a _dick_ he'd stay by your side of his own free will. And yet you had the _gall_ to _force_ him! Now he'll be miserable for the rest of eternity!

Alois: Amen.

Ciel: I don't have to take this crap from you! I don't need to justify my decisions to a pathetic mortal! *heads for the door*

Me: Oh, just _fabulous!_ Now he thinks he's better than all of humanity!

Ciel: I am! Oof.

Sebastian: Might I inquire as to where you are going, Young Master?

Ciel: I'm leaving this damned place, because I'm sick of suffering abuse at the hands of these idiots! Get out of my way!

Sebastian: I am afraid I cannot. I must agree that a little suffering is due for the curse you've put on me.

Ciel struck his butler across the cheek. He was positively fuming. "How _dare_ you talk back to me! Have you forgotten who you're speaking to?"

Without hesitation, Sebastian returned the slap. Ciel did not recoil, but his expression contorted in shock. "I am speaking to an insolent little brat who has damned me for the rest of eternity. And I believe, that since I will have until the end of time to repent, I am going to take this one day to have my revenge on him."

"You _bastard!_" the boy cried, lunging at the smiling demon. He might as well have been shoving at a brick wall for all the good he was doing. Sebastian picked Ciel up, throwing him over his shoulder like a sack of flour, and dumped him unceremoniously at the base of the judge's desk.

"First thing's first!" Brittany declared, clapping her hands together with a smile. "My deepest apologies to _madiboo_, whose charge I neglected to include in the last chapter! I'm incredibly sorry; it just slipped my mind, what with all the rushing and formatting business. Please forgive me! I've prepared the most adorable little outfit for Ciel!

Ciel sighed. "What outfit? Or do I even want to know?"

"You'd better goddamn appreciate it," Brittany warned, flipping through her review papers, as was her habit. "Of the seven reviews we've received since the last chapter, five of them have accusations against you, and two of them pertain to what you'll be wearing; three if you count a shock collar as an accessory. It was a tough trick to combine Alois' booty shorts with a humiliating bitch-slave ensemble, but I think I've pulled it off."

"I hate my life."

* * *

"Is that a rocket on his ass?"

"You never know when he might find himself in space!"

"Then what are the gills for?"

"Well, what's the unicycle for? What're the rubber boots for? Or the Shreddies, or the Play Station? This game isn't based on practicality!"

"The Shreddies are in case he gets hungry!"

A loud curse alerted Alois and Brittany of Ciel's presence. They raised their heads from their drawing to find the young demon being hauled into the room by Sebastian, his face bright scarlet and his expression murderous. When he'd managed to scramble out of the man's grasp, the others turned equally red trying to withhold their laughter. He was wearing a high-collared black blouse with elbow-length sleeves and wide ivory cuffs, dainty white gloves, a frilly white apron that all but hid his ass-length shorts from view, lacey garters to uphold ivory thigh-high socks, and black boots laced up to his knees. The apron tied in the back with a voluminous bow, the ends of which widened and flapped behind Ciel in an effeminate mimicry of the swallowtails he'd branded his butler with.

Ciel glared at his co-hosts but held his head high. It was that which caused them to combust into relentless fits of hysterical laughter.

When their guffaws did not cease, Ciel's fists clenched at his sides. "Will you at least tell me why I've been forced into this preposterous outfit?"

A pause in the laughter, then resumption at a louder volume. "He said preposterous!"

"How uptight can you be?"

Alois cleared his throat and spoke with an unrealistically thick British accent, "_I daresay, this teacup is most unbecoming of this saucer!_"

"_Preposterous! Tis the finest bone china in all of England! And where are my shtraw-burries?_"

"_Your shtraw-burries?_"

"_My shtraw-burries!_"

"_Why, I daresay they should have been brought to you a fortnight ago!_"

"_Preposterous!"_

"_Preposterous!"_

This went on for quite some time.

"I skipped a step, didn't I?" Brittany eventually said. "Ciel, please approach the stand."

Ciel tapped his foot impatiently.

"Right then. You have been accused of dressing in frumpy clothing by _madiboo_, who said, quote unquote, 'Show that form of yours, child! Be proud!', of 'being a little shit to Sebastian in the end' by _ALittleDifferentFromTheRest_, 'being an ass' for making him your butler for all of eternity by _Burning-x-Innocence_, charges which _Souhayla_ and myself wholly agree with, _et merda_. How do you plead?"

Ciel: Not guilty. Ow! *gets shot repeatedly in the shoulder* What the hell was that!

Alois: I brought a pellet-gun! I figure you can take it, now that you're a demon and all.

Ciel: Shoot me with whatever you want. I won't—agh! Stop that!

Alois: Am I hurting fragile wittle Cielly?

Ciel: _No,_ it's _annoying_.

Sebastian: Earl Trancy, if I could...?

Alois: Ah, of course! By all means! *hands over gun*

Ciel: Shit.

Me: Okey doke. As per_ ALittleDifferentFromTheRest_'s suggestion, I hereby sentence Ciel to be Sebastian's bitch for the remainder of the chapter. Alois, you're in charge. I'm gonna go grab a hot chocolate. *prances off*

Sebastian: *shoots Ciel*

Ciel: Cut it out!

Sebastian: *smiling* I think I understand Sir Trancy's fondness for this game.

Alois: Hot damn, I'm the judge!

Ciel: _Shit_.

Alois: *perusing papers* Let's see... Slap Ciel, punish Ciel, either make Ciel three inches taller or put a shock collar on Ciel—

Ciel: All of that for keeping my contract with Sebastian?

Sebastian: Bocchan, if I could have a word with you in that closet for half an hour?

Ciel: What? No!

Sebastian: Let me rephrase that: Get your appallingly fuckable ass in that closet or I will put it there for you.

Ciel: ... You better not be implying what I—

Sebastian: GET IN THE GODDAMN CLOSET, YOU CHEEKY LITTLE BRAT.

Ciel: Holy shit! *ducks as Sebastian swings a fist at his head*

Alois: Oh! This looks like fun! _EVIL GummyBear LOVE_ charged Grell for being totally oblivious to the fact that Sebastian's just not into him, and suggested he get with a woman for a day, be forcibly prevented from hitting on 'dangerously handsome men'—

Sebastian: You can't run from me, Bocchan! *_crack_*

Ciel: IS THAT A FUCKING WHIP?

Alois: —or be neutered! Hm, somehow I don't think that last one will concern him much. I mean, it's not like he and Sebastian could conceive anyway.

Sebastian: *scoops Ciel up and hauls him into the closet*

Ciel: Let me GO, you RAT BASTARD!

Alois: Oh, Ciel! Imagine if we could conceive; our children would have green hair!

Ciel: I'll make your life a living hell!

Sebastian: You already have! *shuts and locks door*

Alois: Elizabeth's blonde too, isn't she? I guess either way Ciel's kids would look like trolls.

Ciel: *muffled* Let me out!

Sebastian: Hush up, Bocchan. It's not like it'll hurt you. Much.

Alois: Scratch that. His and Lizzie's kids would look like trolls; ours would be like mystical little wood elves or fairies or some pretty magical shit like that. Wouldn't that be fun, Ciel?

Ciel: Alois! Open the—

Sebastian: I said, 'Say _my_ name!' *_slap_* How dare you mention that blonde brat while you're with me, you atrocious tart.

Alois: Fine! Don't answer me! I'll just take care of the Grell thing without your help or input. BRING IN THE ACCUSED!

Right on cue, the flamboyant redhead and the judge waltzed into the courtroom, hot chocolates and pretzels in hand. "Where did Ciel go?" Brittany inquired.

A muffled thump erupted from the storage closet, followed by a chorus of unprintable words and Ciel's distinctive shouting. "Get off of me!"

"Don't worry, Bocchan. I promise to be gentle."

At the sound of Sebastian's melodic voice crooning to another (much smaller) man, Grell pretty much lost his shit. With an effeminate shriek he tossed his beverage and baked good aside, practically ripped the closet door off its hinges, and dragged a startled, half-dressed Sebastian back into the courtroom. The butler's already untidy hair was further tousled; his jacket discarded and unbuttoned shirt slipping off his sculpted shoulders. He regarded Grell with poorly-concealed fury.

"Grell Sutcliff."

"Sebastian darling, what were you doing in that closet just now?"

The following argument—an alternation from Sebastian's hushed tones to Grell's high-pitched bitching and consisting mainly of Grell trying to salvage a non-existent marriage—effectively distracted from Alois slipping casually closer towards the closet.

"Ciel," he purred, poking his head in. He offered the partially-undressed boy a hand, only to have him leap to his feet and strike Alois across the face. "Ow! What the hell!"

"You didn't unlock the door."

Alois clenched his fists. "You deserve everything he did to you, and everything else he didn't get to." His tone was icy. "You're an ungrateful dick—" he rubbed at his smarting cheek, "and you're going to pay dearly for this."

"Funny you should say that!" Brittany said, popping up behind Alois. "Because I picked something else up when I went out." She brandished a small device with straps and buckles in one hand and a tiny remote in the other. Swiftly, she fastened the device around Ciel's throat and pressed the remote into Alois' hand. "Go nuts."

Ciel tugged ineffectively at the collar. "How do you keep doing that?"

"I have a dog," she said simply, and returned to her post on the judge's desk.

Ciel: Your dog is a glorified weasel.

Me: Alois, would you mind?

Alois: *grins* It would be my pleasure. *cranks voltage and delivers a massive shock to Ciel*

Ciel: Christ! What is this even for?

Me: Ah, silly me, I keep jumping the gun! _Zeni S. Master_ has accused you of being a 'Miharu Rokujo copy'. I've been reading _Nabari no Ou_ (which is excellent, by the way), and I must say, you two are very similar in appearance and demeanor.

Ciel: How is that my fault? *_ZAP!_*Ow!

Me: Although, Miharu puts his cuteness to much better use than you. His manipulative abilities remind me a lot of Alois. *thoughtfully sips hot chocolate* Anyway, how do you plead?

Ciel: Not guilty! *_ZAP!_* Frick! Cut that out!

Alois: Never! Mwahahaha!

Me: *looks back to papers* Ah yes! Let's get to Grell's amusing punishment, shall we? Grell Sutcliff, please approach the stand.

Grell: —just a child! He wouldn't have _half_ the experience I do—

Me: GRELL!

Grell: _EXCUSE_ ME, but we're having a moment!

Me: You're accused of being COMPLETELY clueless in regards to Sebastian's utter lack of interest in you! The man likes his men young and pre-pubescent! Get over yourself and go date a woman! That's a court order!

Grell: What a preposterous suggestion!

Alois: *snorts* He said preposterous...

Grell: Why would I date a woman when I have an incomparably attractive specimen right here?

Sebastian: Shall I go fetch a lady for him, miss?

Me: That would be lovely.

Alois: What does the button with the cute little skull and crossbones do?

Ciel: DON'T PRESS—AGH! FUCK!

Alois: Did I hurt you that time?

Ciel: Yes, actually! Don't do it ag—Christ! Knock it off!

Sebastian: I'm back.

Laura: So what kind of dating game are we playing?

Groupie-of-some-sort: Where's this red-haired rock star I was promised?

Grell fangirl: Kyaaaaaaaaa~! GRELL-SAMA! :D *lunges for Grell*

Me: A dating game, hm? Good idea!

Sebastian: I try.

Grell: Ugh! Someone kindly remove this small woman from me!

Fangirl: Look! Our glasses match! :3

Me: Ladies, if you could seat yourselves?

Laura: Nice outfit, Ciel.

Ciel: Thanks.

Groupie: I'm out. *leaves*

Me: Crap, she was the only one who was legal.

_5 minutes later:_

"Welcome back, everyone! As always, I'm your host, Brittany, and this is: _Who Wants To Date a Death God!_"

"Not me," Laura muttered.

"Ooh, this is so exciting!" the fangirl squealed. She latched onto Laura's arm. "Isn't this exciting? I hope I win. Best of luck!"

"You should've called it, '_Who Wants to Be a Fag Hag, Because This Man is Obviously Only Interested in the Epitome of Sexiness that is Sebastian Michaelis, And Really, Who Could Blame Him? The Man's a Beast_."

Brittany stroked her imaginary beard thoughtfully, and when that didn't work, twirled her fake mustache reflectively. She was dressed like the guy from _Uh Oh!_ (that game show from the late 90s/early 00s where they dump a lot of slime on people) in an obnoxiously sparkly tux and bright tie. "I don't know, Laura, it's a bit of a mouthful. And I don't think you can say 'fag hag' on television."

"We're not _on_ television! We're in your shitty courtroom! You just put up sparkly streamers and a cardboard sign with the inadequate name of this 'show' written in Sharpie!"

"Where's your imagination? This is obviously the expensive-looking television set of a successful game show."

"We're sitting on milk crates!"

"_Expensive_ milk crates."

Laura smacked her forehead in exasperation.

"Alright!" Brittany continued. "The man of the hour is currently sitting by, and he'll be listening as I quiz the contestants to get to know them better. Once I've gone through all the questions, he'll decide whom he's most compatible with and we'll have our winner! The first question is—"

"If I may interrupt?" Sebastian interjected.

"Yes, Sebastian?"

"I think the game would be much more dynamic if there were three contestants." As he said this, a mischievous smirk blossomed on his face. "Since our third contestant has taken her leave, I have a suggestion for a substitute."

"Shit," Ciel muttered.

_32 minutes later:_

Fangirl: And that's why I think that chocolate milk comes from aquifers and the milk we receive from cows is merely the filtered version of what they've drunk through the birch tree straws.

Me: I couldn't agree more.

Fangirl: *turns to Ciel* I like your outfit.

Ciel: Thanks.

Me: Next question! If you could be the hairbrush of anyone in the world, who's would you be?

Fangirl: GRELL'S! His hair is so lovely!

Laura: Jesus, calm down, woman!

Fangirl: *twitching*

Me: Jesus? Is that your answer?

Laura: No, my answer is Adam Lambert.

Me: He's got nice hair.

Laura: Exactly.

Me: And he's flamboyantly gay! I'm starting to think that maybe—

Laura: I DON'T want to be here!

Me: Jeez, okay. I was just thinking that you and Grell have a lot in common, what with the fetish for delicious black-haired men with questionable sexuality. Now then, Ciel, what's your answer?

Ciel: Alois'.

Everyone looked questioningly at Ciel.

Except for Sebastian, who looked at Alois like he wanted to chew him into many small pieces and eat him. Om nom.

Laura: You told me the Veritaserum would've worn off by now.

Me: It would have.

Ciel: No comment.

Alois: Oh, Ciel, you_ DO_ care! *runs onstage and glomps Ciel* Precious sweet Cielly, you're forgiven for slapping me earlier!

Ciel: Get _off_! *shoves Alois to the ground*

Alois: YOU ROTTEN SON OF A BITCH! I'll kill you for that!

Me: Last question! Contestants, please describe your dream date! Fangirl who I have neglected to properly name, you go first.

Fangirl: _Well_, first Grell and I would go to the movies and watch something with hot male actors in it. Then we'd go to the nicest, priciest shoe store in the city and threaten the employees into giving us all the best boots. After that we'd go for a walk in the park and jump out of bushes to scare other couples! And then we'd—

Me: _Et merda, et merda_. I think we get the gist and nub of it. Laura?

Laura: Grell would chauffeur while Sebastian and I go sightseeing around London. Then he'd drop us off somewhere with a nice view, set up our picnic, pour our champagne and get the fuck out of there.

Fangirl: *completely serious* Are you sure you wouldn't want a threesome?

Laura: What! Gross, no!

Grell: *pops out from wherever it was he was hiding* That could be okay! I'd tolerate the lady's presence if it would mean a romantic evening with _Sebas-chan_!

Laura: God, no!

Grell: I've made my decision: I pick the busty one!

Laura: Does no one listen around here? I said NO!

Ciel: Welcome to my world. *_ZAP!_* Ouch! What was that for?

Alois: Sorry. *nonchalantly filing nails* I sat on the button by accident.

Me: It looks like we have a winner! Congratulations, Laura, and enjoy your date!

Laura: Why are you doing this to me? You're a terrible friend.

Me: You gave me a complex about my formatting. I just about had an aneurysm the other day. Ta ta!

Laura: *grabbed by Grell* I'm going to smother you in your sleep, Brin.

Me: Of course you are.

Grell: *as door's closing* What about Sebas-chan? Darling, where are you?

Sebastian: I'll be along shortly. I have unfinished business here. *looks at Ciel*

Ciel: Ugh...

Sebastian: You liked it.

Ciel: I did not!

Alois: You did? Disloyal prick! *button-mashes remote control *

*_ZAPZAPZAPZAPZAPZAP_*

Ciel: _OW_! *profane language*

Grell: But Sebas-_chaaaan!_

Me: Good-bye! _Bon voyage! Gute Reise! _Have fun!

Ciel: I feel dizzy...

Me: Alright! The torment is almost over. Only two left to go! ALOIS, please approach the stand!

Alois: *pauses button-mashing* What did I do?

Me: Well, let's just take a look-see, shall we? I believe _ALittleDifferentFromTheRest _worded it best: 'For Alois: He ended up in the embrace of Claude and Hannah in the end and was quite happy. I didn't like that. So, let's give him just that, but with the Claude and Hannah you've created through their various punishments. I'm sure Zombie-Claude and Dismembered-Hannah can give him all the love he so ceaselessly desires. For at least one hour, please. RAPE IS IN ORDER!'

Alois: Aw, I _hate_ when rape is in order!

Me: Dismembered-Hannah... That sounds like a good name for a band.

Alois: And I detest Claude-zombie! He's such an imposter!

Me: Now opening for _Alexisonfire,_ give it up for _DISMEMBERED-HANNAH_! Make some NOISE!

*Dismembered-Hannah and Claude-zombie are ushered in by Dementors*

Me: Who loves Alois? You two! Now get to it!

Claude-zombie: Your Hiiiiiiigggghhhhhhhneesssss...

Alois: Oh my GOD, what's that smell?

Dismembered-Hannah: Maaaaaasssttteeeerrrr...

The disfigured servants converged on the screaming Alois, who proceeded to toss a disgruntled Ciel in front of him as a shield and cower beneath the judge's desk. A murmured string of words could be heard from his hiding place: "It's just a bad dream, it's just a bad dream it's just—WAH!"

Claude-zombie—who by this point was riddled through with bullet holes, smoldering from apple juice burns and with his ripe pink flesh dripping from his bones like really well-cooked ribs—had snagged Alois by the collar and was dragging him out into the open. "Please, no! I didn't want it to be like this! I just wanted to be _happy_!"

"You love us, don't you, Master?" Dismembered-Hannah rasped. She cupped Alois' face with a stumpy thing that was several fingers short of being a real hand. "Don't you? Forever and ever?"

"You loooovvve me, Your Highness. And love is eternal," Claude-zombie added, leaning in to give Alois a wet, sloppy kiss on the cheek.

"Ugh! Ciel! Help me!"

"I think I'll sit this one out."

"CIEL!"

"This is kind of a turn-off," Sebastian muttered. "And here I was planning all kinds of things to keep _us_ occupied for the hour."

Ciel shuddered.

"Did you see that?" Brittany laughed as Alois was forced into the closet. "Someone actually tore her knee-cap out! Those pervs _really_ wanted a piece of you."

Ciel shuddered again.

"Please! Let me out! Agh, get that thing _away_ from me! Keep it in your pants, you revolting fraude!"

Brittany chuckled. "Fraude rhymes with Claude..."

_1 hour later:_

Brittany unlocked the closet door and was rewarded with a wide-eyed, mostly naked, incredibly frazzled-looking Alois collapsing on her. "You smell like French fries!" she accused.

"If you ever have anything that horrendous done to me again, I will hunt down and kill your entire family."

"And my dog?"

"And your dog."

"Well, I wouldn't want that to happen."

Ciel came over and helped Alois to his feet, only to be tackled and knocked back onto the floor. "Frick!"

"I'm beginning to see a pattern here..." Brittany mused, doing some more imaginary-beard-stroking. She was still lying on the floor. It was actually quite comfy down there.

"I was in there for a whole HOUR! And you did NOTHING about it! NOTHING!"

"What was I supposed to do?" Ciel shouted defensively.

Alois burst into maniacal cackles, then turned murderously serious. He shoved his face right into Ciel's, eyes glinting madly. "What were you supposed to do? Tell you what: let me sleep on that. And the next time we meet, I'll have my answer for you. I don't think you'll like it."

"That doesn't make sense."

"IT DOESN'T HAVE TO! I'm pissed off and my ass feels like it just got paved. _Paved_, Ciel, like with one of those steamroller things! Gah!" He got to his feet and stormed angrily from the courtroom.

"Wait! Alois!" Brittany yelled, scrambling to her feet. "I think you'll like the last charge!"

His voice echoed down the hall. "I don't care!"

"Aw," she muttered when the door to the parking lot slammed shut. "He really would've dug this one."

Ciel raised a hand tiredly. "Let me guess, something horrible for me?"

"Not everything's about you, Ciel. We've been over this."

"I wish I could say the same," Sebastian commented sadly.

"Oh!" Brittany clapped her hands to her face. "I feel so bad for you!"

"You shouldn't. He bones nuns and eats people as a hobby."

"Shut up," Brittany snapped, fishing her cell phone from her pocket. "I know what'll ease the pain." She sent a quick text message, after which she retrieved Claude-zombie from the closet. "So, _Zeni S. Master_ has accused me of killing Claude. How do I plead? Not guilty. He's still very much alive."

"Go me!"

"But seeing as I've been requested to revive him anyway, and I would rather do that then totally disregard one of my reviewers..."

With a few keystrokes, Claude was back to his usual, dull, personality-less self. "Much obliged, _Zeni_. That apple juice was really beginning to get troublesome." He pushed his glasses back up his nose.

"Yeah yeah yeah. Just get out of my sight."

"I suppose I'll go retrieve my Master." Claude headed for the door, nodding curtly towards the ever-smiling Sebastian and still-ridiculously-dressed Ciel. Dismembered-Hannah stumbled out after him.

"Look at it this way," Sebastian said when they were gone. "Now you have a fresh slate to work with. You can start entirely from scratch."

"Thank you, Sebastian. I appreciate it." Just as she said that, the door was nudged open by a redheaded girl carrying a black squirmy thing.

"I brought Jet," the girl said, brandishing an enourmous, fluffy cat. She was carrying him upside down. He didn't seem to mind.

Sebastian's face broke into a grin. "Miss, may I hold him?"

"Of course," she said, and transferred the feline into Sebastian's eager arms. He cradled the cat with a look of utter contentment, fondling his paws and murmuring to him as one would an adorable but weirdly sophisticated child. Jet mewed and swished his tail.

"There! All is well!" Brittany cheered. Ciel burst into a fit of sneezing. "I guess that's it for today. Good night, everyone! Thanks a million for the reviews, and I promise to hurry up with the oneshot! Ciao!"

* * *

**No smexiness today; I'm sorry. I will make up for it with the oneshot, I promise! And I'll do it as fast as humanly possible!**


	8. Ch 7 and a half The 30 Review Oneshot

**This is so overdue, but I HAVE AN EXCUSE! When you live in a country where winter lasts 10 months (it did this year, anyway)(and I feel like I need to formally apologize to every American I told otherwise)(that rhymes), you must grab the 24C weather by the horns and frolic in it. So frolic I did.**

**SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU:**

**To all you wonderful reviewers, AKA the greatest group of non-fictional people in the world: please accept this drabble of AloisxCiel smut as a token of my gratitude for your epic ideas and hilarious comments and support :) You guys are a million times more funny and clever than you make me out to be, if not more C:**

**As for those of you who keep popping by without saying anything, is it really so hard to click a link and type, 'Good job' or, 'This is shit. Just stop already'? Come on, dudes. Spread the love.**

**I'm not exactly practiced at this kind of thing, so nobody get their hopes up. Also, I tend to go slightly overboard with the setup. You all have my apologies in advance P: Also, for convenience sake, Ciel is just regular old human Ciel. Alois wouldn't stand a chance otherwise.**

**Yeah... enjoy! :3 Chapter 8 will be up eventually.**

* * *

_I can't believe I'm doing this_, Ciel thought as he wove his way through the elegantly-dressed crowd. Not even two weeks had passed since the series' conclusion, and already he was being forced to partake in another exhausting endeavour. Namely, a lavish ball held at Alois Trancy's manor to commemorate the finale, where all of the guests were currently involved in another of the judge's ridiculous games.

"Bang! You're dead!" a voice shouted triumphantly.

Ciel stopped in his tracks and turned to see Prince Soma with his hand outstretched towards Lady Elizabeth, his fingers arranged to resemble a pistol. "I heard that," he called.

"Rats."

"Oh, thank you, Ciel!" Lizzie squealed, running over and embracing her fiancé with needless force. "You saved my life! You're my hero!"

"He wouldn't actually have killed you," Ciel mumbled as he removed himself from Lizzie's clutches. "Just stay with Paula and you'll be fine."

Lizzie allowed him to drift away but retained her grip on his arm. "Don't you want to dance with me?" she inquired. She was dressed for the evening in a full-skirted, sequined blue gown, trimmed with creamy lace and sparkling like a fortune's worth of sapphires. Her emerald eyes searched Ciel's face pleadingly, glittering in a way to rival that of her dress.

Ciel hesitated but saw no polite way to refuse his fiancée. Plastering a cordial smile on his face, he held out his hand and whisked Elizabeth into the throng of dancing guests. As he led her through the steps and twirls—something he could now pull off with an adequate amount of skill—Ciel spotted one of the triplets ducking out of the ballroom, balancing an empty tray in his hand and reminding Ciel of his mission. Looking back to Elizabeth a light bulb went off in his head.

"What do you think of this game?" he asked her.

"It's kind of scary," she admitted. "Rather dark for a ball, I must say. But at least now I know that Soma has my name."

"Unless someone else shoots him and takes it," Ciel pointed out.

"Oh, you're right." She looked fretful for a moment, but returned her wandering gaze to Ciel and instantly brightened. "You'll protect me, won't you?"

"Of course." He'd been steadily leading her towards the ballroom doors and as the music concluded to signal the next dance, they found themselves at the party's edge. "Do you think you could do me a favour, in return?"

"Certainly."

He smiled again. "I figure as long as I'm playing this silly game, I might as well win. And while it would be most strategic to move alone, it would also be risky. Would you mind staying with me for a while?"

Elizabeth blushed, overjoyed to be included in Ciel's plans. "I would love to help you!"

"Much obliged, Lizzie. If you could wait here a moment while I take care of someone?"

"Oh, um—"

"It won't take a second," Ciel promised, and slipped into the hall. He'd used Elizabeth as a shield of sorts to cross the ballroom—as he intended to for the extent of the game—but now that he was moving in for the kill, he needed to be alone.

He started in the direction of the kitchen, glancing at the slip of paper he'd drawn to make sure he had the right triplet. The name _Canterburt_ was written in elegant script next to a little cartoon of the man to distinguish him from his brothers.

It was a childish game, but Ciel couldn't help getting caught up in it. The judge had called it _Last Man Standing_, and the rules and objective were simple. At the evening's start each of the guests had drawn the name of another person they were to "kill" using the phrase "Bang, you're dead." Any witnesses would instantly void the killing. If the kill was successful, the deceased would hand their own slip to their assassin, and the names would be collected in this manner until only one player remained.

_I will be the last man standing_, Ciel decided, pocketing his slip. _I always am._

* * *

Alois' train of thought ran a similar track as he obtained his fifth name of the night. _This is child's play_! All of his victims thus far had been easy pickings—two of his own servants, that Chinese man and the noisy friend of the judge. Everyone was just so trusting! They lacked a killer's instincts, and it was their downfall.

He was floating about the room in a brighter, lacier version of his usual outfit. His coat was billowy and cherry red, his shorts were shorter, his heels were higher, and his resolve was unwavering. He was a man on a mission, which entailed (hopefully) ending up on another man.

_I will be the second-last man standing_, he mused. _And when Ciel and I finally cross paths, I will come out on top._

He pranced up to a childlike blonde boy in a flashy argyle vest and tapped on his shoulder. "Finnian, is it?"

The boy turned to Alois and grinned. "Earl Trancy!" He bowed his head, his untidy hair flopping about. "This is a lovely ball! Thank you very much for inviting myself and Young Master's other employees."

"It was nothing. I'm glad to hear you're enjoying yourself," Alois said with a smile. He brought his hand to Finnian's face, imagining how that idiotic grin would disappear were it a real gun. "_Bang_. You're dead."

"Oh?" It took a second, but Finny began chuckling. "You got me, Earl Trancy! Here—" he removed his slip from the pocket over his breast and pressed it roughly—though unintentionally so—into Alois' open palm.

"Ciel, huh?" he murmured as he unfolded the crumpled paper. He grinned as he glanced at Brittany's penciled depiction—a sour-faced boy with a top hat bearing the phrase "Pimp of the Year".

"Yes! I didn't want to kill him myself though, seeing as he's my master and all. But he probably won't mind if you do it."

"Let's hope not," Alois replied. He stuck out a hand for Finnian to shake and nearly had his arm torn out of its socket. "It was lovely seeing you again. Enjoy the rest of the ball."

"Oh, I will!"

"And _thank you_." Alois pocketed his strip of paper with a flourish and strode off.

* * *

"Miss Brittany? Would you do me the honour of accompanying me for a dance?"

The girl in question—robed in a floor-length gown of orange and gold—merely looked at Ciel and frowned. "I can tell you have my name. I've played this before."

"What, I can't show a little class to a colleague?"

"It was obviously forced," she commented. "As it would have to be, considering my actions the other day..." Something like guilt flashed across her face.

Ciel blew a lock of dark hair from his face with an impatient puff of air. Brittany glanced distractedly to the side, and when she turned back, his pointer finger was in her face. "Bang. You're dead."

Her fleeting expression of guilt gave way to a smug grin. "Nice try, but Laura's watching me."

"No she's not," Ciel said with a smirk. He was now pointing over her shoulder, where Laura was chattering animatedly to Sebastian, completely oblivious to the rest of the party.

"Fine," Brittany grumbled, fishing around in her bodice.

"What are you doing!"

She laughed at his horrified expression. "This is where I put my slip."

"Why?"

"Because this dress doesn't have any pockets," she stated matter-of-factly. "And it's amusing to watch the reactions of men who were previously unaware that women occasionally keep their valuables in their bras."

Ciel took the slip from her with obvious reluctance.

She went on, "Just don't keep your cell phone there. I had a friend who did that at a party and it overheated and died."

"You had Alois' name?" He sounded quite pleased by the fact that this was no longer the case.

"Yeah. I was really looking forward to gunning down the little bugger," she said wistfully. "Oh well. I imagine you'll enjoy it enough for the both of us."

"I imagine I will," Ciel agreed. With no further comments he clasped the slip in his hand and strode off.

* * *

"Ciel."

"Alois."

"I trust you're enjoying yourself?"

"With the term 'enjoy' loosely defined, yes."

"Balls aren't really your cup of tea, are they?" Alois asked. Then, realizing the suggestive double meaning of his words, he burst into a fit of giggles. Ciel continued to look irritated.

Not that he didn't have every reason to be, what with all the crap he was getting lately, but Alois certainly wasn't going to let that fact ruin his plans.

Ciel's gaze drifted from Alois to the demon and demoness lingering some twenty feet behind him. Likewise, he had Elizabeth and Soma dancing within earshot; even Brittany had been guilt-tripped into playing lookout. If he was going to win this game, he would have to get Alois alone.

Oh goody.

"Could I have a word with you?" With some reluctance he tacked on, "In private, if possible?"

Alois smiled. What was meant to appear cordial only sent a thread of shivers stitching down Ciel's spine. "Of course. We can talk in the hall."

Ciel was taken by the wrist and led through the same doors he'd come through several kills ago. He stepped into the hallway, a long stretch of gold-panelled walls and elegant crown-molding—tacky and bright, like everything else about Alois. Diligently keeping his eyes on his host, Ciel watched as he shut the ballroom doors behind them.

"What is it you wanted?" the blonde inquired innocently. He was still holding Ciel by the arm.

Ciel considered playing along with Alois' feigned naivety, but decided he'd been through enough lately, and a conversation with him would only serve to worsen his sour mood. _Best to get this over with._ He raised his free hand to Alois' face—index finger out, thumb up—as he'd done not five minutes ago to win his ticket here. "_Bang_. You're—"

But Ciel didn't get a chance to say what Alois was. He was abruptly shoved against the wall and cut off with a sudden, violent kiss, his arms pinned down at his sides. Trapped under the weight of the larger boy's body, Ciel could only think of how aggravating it was getting to be constantly interrupted. Alois let out an exaggerated, guttural groan, obviously meant to faze him. It had the desired affect—the hair on Ciel's nape stood up and blood flooded his cheeks.

"What's wrong?" Alois murmured when he finally detached himself, having received no reaction in exchange for his efforts. "Do mere kisses no longer satisfy greedy little Ciel?"

"If you know what's good for you," Ciel warned, "you'll get the hell off of me. Right now."

Alois simply giggled at the threat, moving his hands to press on Ciel's shoulders. "You're just upset because I forgot to be gentle with you again. I keep forgetting; Ciel likes to be treated like a _proper lady_."

Ciel opened his mouth to remark on the fact that Alois was the one who'd been dressed like a woman the night they'd met—fake breasts and all—only to be silenced a second time by the other's mouth. Ciel felt his cheeks grow hotter as Alois' tongue probed his tightly clamped lips for entrance, tempted to allow it if for no other reason than to bite the appendage off. But even now, exhausted and enraged as he was, he knew much better than to allow any part of Alois within any part of himself. He settled on slapping the boy hard across the cheek.

Alois jerked back from the unexpected blow but did not lose his hold on Ciel. He returned his gaze to the boy and rubbed his smarting cheek, which was pulled up in an eerie grin. "If you'd prefer I be rough with you, my little prince, all you had to do was ask," he crooned, eyes glittering madly.

"I don't have time for this," Ciel said tensely. "Just give me your slips already; I've won your retarded game."

"You're really keen to cut to the chase, aren't you?" Alois inquired. He wasn't leaving Ciel very much breathing room, and the hot air between them was laced with the cloying tang of champagne on his breath. He went on, allotting Ciel no time to answer. "That's fine. Kind of cute, actually. I can be blunt too." With a sharp tug the bow from Ciel's collar came undone. "You and I are going to retire to my _boudoir _to partake in more... _intimate_ forms of entertainment."

"That sounds utterly repulsive."

"Then I suppose you're in for a nice surprise," Alois said. He gripped the ends of Ciel's bow like a leash and began dragging the boy down the hall, ignoring the insults and curses falling at his heels.

Ciel planted his feet firmly when they reached the staircase. "I am dead serious, Alois! I'll call Sebastian if—"

"And I'll call Claude. Though I think we're both _well aware_ who would be bested in the event of a fight." His tone turned to ice. "Besides, this is a _party_. You're supposed to have _fun_, not set your hounds on the first person who tries to spend a little time with you."

"I doubt your intentions are as chaste as that."

"And I doubt you're as opposed to them as you let on." Alois continued his ascension to the second floor. Fuming, Ciel followed to avoid being tripped and dragged face-first up the staircase. Alois' certainty in Ciel's apparent bluff had planted the tiniest seed of doubt in his mind, and it unsettled him greatly.

Alois hummed jauntily for the remainder of their trek, leaving no silence for Ciel to fill with his threats. At any rate, arguing would only be a waste of energy. It wasn't as if Alois had ever listened to reason.

Eventually they came to a halt in front of a pair of massive, intricately fashioned French doors. Ciel was weighing his options: devote every last ounce of his energy to fighting Alois off, or giving in. Making a great deal of effort for little gain, or giving in. Further exhausting himself when he was already so tired, or giving in. He was particularly pissed off that the decision was this difficult.

_This should be bloody obvious! Take him down and _leave_. Just like that._

_But aren't you at all curious?_

_No, goddamnit! _

Alois met no resistance as he towed Ciel into the room. The smaller boy appeared to be distracted by his contemplations, and didn't notice when the door was shut and locked behind him. "Where were we?" Alois asked breathily, trapping Ciel between himself and the closed doors.

"Get off!" Ciel flinched away from the other boy, trying unsuccessfully to free himself.

"This is getting really old," Alois muttered. "You'd be so much happier if you just quit lying to yourself."

"I'm not _lying_. I have a fiancée. I'm not attracted to boys. These are _facts_."

"Really? Not even really beautiful boys?" Alois pouted and batted his lashes.

"No!"

Alois seized Ciel's hand and planted it firmly on the bare skin of his thigh, letting the boy's fingertips slide under the hem of his shorts. "Is that truly any different from your precious Lizzie's skin?" he asked. Ciel's face went bright red, his mouth agape in shock.

When he received no verbal response, Alois moved the hand to rest on the curve of his backside. "How about that?" He was practically radiating smugness.

_And heat_, Ciel found himself thinking. The boy was bloody warm! Having avoided as much human contact as possible for the better part of the last few years, this surprised him much more than it should have. He felt suddenly and uncomfortably hot.

"Let me go," he said, but with less conviction than his earlier demands.

Alois skimmed his lips along the other boy's jaw, stopping to take Ciel's lower lip in his teeth and tug. Smiling playfully, he slipped his own hands under Ciel's coat, running them up his clothed thighs. Ciel shuddered and held back a powerful urge to knee Alois in the groin.

Finally having done something that didn't result in injury, Alois gave the other boy's backside a cocky squeeze. Ciel yelped, and Alois took advantage of his shock to force him across the room and onto the bed. Ciel hit the duvet with a soft _fwump_, lips parted in surprise, and had no time to regain his bearings before Alois was on top of him.

He was stripped of his coat and shoved further onto the bed so that his legs no longer dangled off the side. Ciel braced himself, expecting to be bitten or slapped around or abused in some way. _I'm going to get raped_, he thought in alarm. His heart hammered in his chest like a frantic, caged animal.

So he was both baffled and pleasantly surprised when Alois let himself fall to the bed at his side, taking Ciel gently in his arms and planting a tender, pleading kiss on his lips. The hair was brushed from his face, and with a gentle pull, the tie of his eye patch came undone. Alois' lips brushed the closed lid of Ciel's marked eye, and then he drew back and simply drank in the sight of him.

"Is that more to your liking?" he murmured. He wasn't even trying to lick him.

Ciel just lay there, puzzled into silence. He let himself be kissed again, be filled with the heat of Alois' soft sighs. An old instinct to shy away from the touch like a cockroach from light flared up in him, but slowly beginning to overpower it was an unfamiliar hunger. He recognized the notion as greed—a dirty, sinful desire, alien in its sort—but greed nonetheless. And try as he may, he'd never been good at suppressing such things.

Hungrily, his fingers reached up to ensnare themselves in Alois' fine hair, gripping at the roots like a wordless plea. He was drawn closer in the other's embrace, their lips mashed together and pried open. He did nothing to stop the tongue that slipped in. The rush of blood was loud in his ears.

For a moment, the only sounds were the rustle of bodies on bed sheets, the wet, musical smacking of kisses and the muffled sounds of the party drifting from the air vents. To Ciel, for whom such tenderness was only a distant memory, the moment seemed to last hours. To Alois it was painfully dull.

Bored and impatient, the blonde kicked off his boots and motioned with his stocking feet for Ciel to do the same. After much fumbling and shifting around and a groan of contempt at Ciel's utter incompetence at stripping, the two were entangled between soft sheets, their bare legs in knots. Ciel had refused to remove his shorts, so Alois was forced to content with what silken skin peeked from beneath the starched fabric.

_If I can't have his legs..._

With a jerk of the blonde's head and a muffled _snap_, the top button of Ciel's shirt came off in Alois' mouth. "Alo—"

"What?" he mumbled, spitting the button across the room. Something about the gleam in his eyes—feral and resolute—killed the words in Ciel's throat.

_He has me where he wants me now_, he realized with a shock. _I should've left earlier. I'm so _fucked_._

Following Ciel's train of thought to a T, Alois ducked in to press their mouths roughly together and rolled Ciel onto his back, casting aside any show of gentleness. He made quick work of Ciel's buttons, tearing the fabric from his skin while his mouth was filled with the other boy's subdued protests.

Hands—roughened from a childhood of toil and abuse—ran over pale, pearl-like skin. Alois pulled away to remove his own shirt while Ciel fumed. "Let me go," he panted. "I don't want to be here anymore." Even so scantily clothed he was feeling much too warm, like his body was sick with fever. His heart continued its erratic struggle.

"Nonsense." Alois manhandled Ciel into a lounging position against the pillows and straddled him, pressing their bare flesh together and earning a cracked groan_—_a sound halfway between irritation and unsolicited pleasure_—_for his efforts. Ciel's throat was lined with kisses, the sharp ridge of his collarbone traced by the other's tongue. Alois pressed his lips to Ciel's chest, smiling against the thrum of his heart.

"What's this?" he murmured, trailing his fingers over the ugly mark branded into Ciel's midriff.

"None of your business," Ciel spat. His face grew hotter in anger.

"Does it hurt?"

"I highly doubt hurting me is your biggest concern."

"Nonsense," he said again. "Quite the opposite, really."

Alois' fingers continued their descent, dropping between Ciel's thighs to close his hand around him and squeeze. A ragged gasp was chased from his lungs. His knee jerked up reflexively, smacking Alois in the ass and doing little more than irritating him.

"That wasn't very nice," Alois tutted.

"Neither was that!"

"Really? It sounded nice." He stroked Ciel through his shorts, grinning as a moan slipped through the smaller boy's lips. "Don't tell me you don't play with yourself. You're plenty old enough."

"That's a filthy habit," he said through gritted teeth. If he thought he'd been uncomfortable before, it was nothing compared to this. His skin felt unbearably hot and his fringe was dampening with sweat. His breath continued to come in broken gasps as he was groped, and he realized, with a rush of mortification, that the fabric under Alois' hand was now straining against his skin.

"Don't lie to me." Alois held the boy by his shoulders and ground their hips together. Ciel groaned, disgusted and livid with himself as well as Alois. "At any rate, it's not a _'filthy habit_'. It's actually quite satisfying." He leaned in to say this, the warmth of his breath caressing his victim's cheek. "But it's nowhere near as nice as having someone to do it for you." Despite the heat, Ciel shivered. He was filled with both dread and a sick sort of thrill at what he suspected was to come.

Alois popped the buttons on the other boy's shorts with a smile. "How cute," he said, cocking his head to the side. Ciel was too furious at himself to bother punching him.

Alois slipped further under the sheets, running his hands down Ciel's body to hold him by the waist. "_I want only to greedily devour you_, Ciel," he murmured against the boy's stomach, and laughed at his stupid joke. Ciel rolled his eyes. He was sure if his face could get any redder, it probably would have.

Even having just spelled it out for him, Ciel gave a gasp of surprise when Alois' tongue grazed his skin. The blonde teased him in this manner, lapping at his virgin flesh like a cat, until his ears were graced with the loveliest, tortured groan he'd heard in ages. Smiling wickedly, Alois purred, "Do you want me to stop?"

"No," Ciel said quickly, cringing at how desperate he sounded. "Just hurry up."

"My my, you're impatient. I have half a mind to—"

"Just _do it_!"

"Is that any way to speak to your host?" He was trailing his nails along the inside of Ciel's thigh, testing out a theory that the boy was ticklish. It would appear not.

"Please, Alois. It feels weird."

With a triumphant smirk, Alois did as he was told.

It didn't take long. Ciel's breathing was already heavy, and with a few feeble, instinctive bucks of his hips, the pressure in the pit of his stomach released itself. He gave a soft cry, dizzy with pleasure but already plotting his vengeance against the blonde. Panting and flushed, he let his head fall back against the pillows and turned his cheek so he wouldn't have to look Alois in the eye.

Before he could even catch his breath, something was abruptly shoved into his mouth. It was Alois' forefinger; his thumb was pressed between Ciel's eyes.

Alois smiled his chilling smile and forced Ciel to face him.

"_Bang_. You're dead."

* * *

**Meanwhile, Finny, Soma, Thompson and I were playing 'Chubby Bunnies' with the hors d'oeuvres. Thompson won :D**


	9. Chapter 8 pt 1 The One With Classy Alois

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, CielxAlois, SebastianxCiel, triplet favouritism, a really sappy apology, gay-bashing (just Grell tho), a really immature song complete with bad rhyming, and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**I'm never writing anything that dirty again. Probably. It's super awkward. Also, I had to do so much guesswork because a) I am not an adolescent boy and b) I have not recently received a blow job from one. I will stick to the immature ranting and raving!**

**And the format is very reader-friendly today. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: All your Kuros are belong to Toboso. **_**Je pense **_**that we have established I don't own anything cool.**

**P.S. To be submitted in two parts, because it is super duper long. **

* * *

The minute Ciel stepped foot in the courtroom, Brittany was on the ground at his feet, bawling like she'd just seen _Toy Story 3 _for the first time_. _"I'm so sorry!" she wailed. "Please find it in your sexy demon heart to forgive me!"

Ciel tried unsuccessfully to shake the awkwardly emotional girl off his leg, but even her meager weight was enough to keep his small frame anchored. When her babbling became incomprehensible and she started kissing his boot, he finally bent down to strike her across the head. "Ow!" she whined, looking him in the eye before catching herself and resuming her bowed position at his feet. "I deserved that," he heard her murmur. "You should probably do it again."

"Let go of me," he ordered, pleasantly surprised when she did as told. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I may have been a little quick to pass judgment on you the other day," she began, her pitiful demeanor giving way to the proper airs of someone delivering a formal apology. "And even though I pretend it's my job, I really have no right doing so in the first place. I mean, you're an adorable, strong-willed, brilliant protagonist who will be forever immortalized in the hearts of your fans, and I am but a humble idiot with a computer and too much time on her hands. That rhymed. Anyway, I'm not saying I agree with your decision, but I believe I've come to understand it better, and I know you wouldn't keep Sebastian in your service out of any petty reason."

"Thanks, I—"

"I mean, it makes a tonne of sense now that I think about it. Someone who's already lost everything would go to great lengths to hold on to the one thing he has left."

"That's _fine_, thank you. You can stop with the psychoanalysis now."

"Wow, that took me forever to figure out. Perhaps I should rethink my career choice."

"A judge?"

"A psychiatrist."

"I fear for your patients. Now are you going to stand up? Or do you intend to spend the day on your knees?"

Alois, from up on the judge's desk, said his first words since Ciel had arrived. "It must be weird being on the delivering end of that line for once, eh, Ciel?"

Before Ciel could come back with a cutting reply, Brittany stood and leveled her pellet gun at Alois' face. "Show the man some respect, Goldilocks."

Alois merely smirked. "I find that difficult, considering what he let me do to him the other night." Ciel swiftly snatched Brittany's gun and shot Alois in the face. "Ow!"

"Hey! There will be _no_ violence in here today!" Brittany reclaimed her gun. "The only punishments lined up are meant to humiliate and mentally scar. No one's getting raped, or horribly disfigured or whipped or beaten or anything! Today is a day of peace and atonement."

Alois fake-yawned, which turned into a real yawn, which caused everyone else in the room to yawn. "That sounds terribly boring."

"Trust me; for you, it won't be." Brittany tossed her pellet gun in the wastepaper basket and set it on fire. She then returned to her post on the judge's desk, shoving Alois off and motioning for Ciel to join her. "We'll start with you."

"I can't wait," Ciel said with the hint of a smile.

"Alois Trancy, aka 'Fake-Bocchan', as you were known throughout the fandom before the series' start, you have been charged of being a complete and utter _fake_ for the following list of reasons! And I hope you peed earlier, because it's a long one."

"Oh joy."

"_Kasai tensi_'s enlightening liststarts with, '1. Fake Victorian - wearing those clothes in the 19th century? You must be kidding me! Also, is whore for old lord and gets to inherit everything? Yeah sure, talk about "author's convenience"! Leading us to 2. Fake aristocracy - just use yer commoner name biatch! Also 3. Fake badass – seemed interestingly psycho at beginning but crying and begging? Somebody lacks a backbone, it would seem... Next 4. Fake _seme_ - clinging like that to Claude and then people pretend he tops Ciel? In which reality? All ending up in 5. Fake dying - I wonder if there was anyone who thought him really dead -_-'"

"I didn't think he was dead," Ciel commented.

"Me neither," Brittany agreed.

Alois stamped his foot in annoyance. His heel made a nice clicky noise on the tiles. "That's all bullocks!"

"If your definition of 'bullocks' is 'abso-friggin-lutely true', then yeah, it kind of is."

"I can make lists too!" Alois said huffily. "Number one: I was rolling in money and I had a _butler from Hell_. I could care less if my story was unconvincing! Number two: Jim is a stupid, plain, peasant name."

"My friend's dad is named Jim."

"I'm much too beautiful to be a _Jim_."

"And my dad's friend is named Jim too! But everyone calls him Jimmy. Can we call you Jimmy?"

"Absolutely not! Number three: my bi-polar tendencies are what make me so lovable. If I didn't have that, I'd just be another blonde in hot pants. And lord knows _those_ aren't easy to come by these days," he exclaimed with heavy sarcasm. "And number four—"

"Excuse me!" Ciel cut him off. "No one gave _me_ a chance to defend myself the other day." He shot Brittany a glare. "Why haven't you shut him up yet?"

"Hm, I suppose I should, shouldn't I? In the interest of fairness…" She did some thoughtful imaginary-beard-stroking. And then drank some milk. And then drew a nice picture of Ciel in a dinosaur suit. "Okay, Alois, since you obviously plead 'not guilty' and I am choosing to disagree, you'd best shut it so we can get to your amusing and very fitting punishment."

"That's not fair at all! What kind of court is this? We don't even get lawyers!"

"I've never seen Kangaroo Court played with lawyers… That could be fun! Are there any reviewers considering a career in law? Or an imaginary career in mock law?"

Ciel narrowed his eyes impatiently. "If your mother burst in here and scolded you for spitting out your Ritalin this morning, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised." He helped himself to her review papers, squinting to read the illegible scrawl. "Alois, you're apparently supposed to 'drop the act and be very _uke_ in a classy obedient manner, no bragging and doing everything I say like it's the word of god.' Oh," he grinned a very Alois-like grin, "that could be fun."

"Absolutely _not!_" Alois stomped his foot again. "I would rather die again than bow down to this midget!"

"That could be arranged," Brittany murmured as she commenced colouring her drawing.

"What's this?" Ciel struggled to make out a scribbled note in the margins of the page. "'Brittany will play along.' Meaning?"

She put down her crayons and mumbled ruefully, "I'll also be classy and obedient..."

"And do everything I say?"

"Yes."

"Cool."

"I'm going to leave now!" Alois headed for the door, his coat flapping behind him. "I refuse to accept a stupid punishment for a stupid crime I didn't commit!"

Brittany called after him, "But that's the whole point of this game! It's just _stupid_!"

"Stop, Alois." Ciel spoke, his voice rich with authority.

Alois froze in his tracks, his face a mask of utter shock. "Why can't I move? What did you do!"

"You will accept your sentence," Ciel went on. "You will obey me, and you will do it with a smile on your face and a skip in your step. Is that clear?"

Alois' cheeks pulled up in a stiff smile, as if by strings. "Y-yes, Your Highness."

Ciel cringed. "Perhaps you could address me differently."

"Yes, my studly master."

"Getting there."

"My prince?"

"Slightly better."

"You know, I was worrying about this," Brittany said. "I thought I'd have to use the _Imperius_ Curse, and everyone knows that's completely against the law. Not to mention the fact that I am not a wizard. There would just be complications all around."

"You, read out the next sentence. I don't have all day for this."

"Yes, sir. Alois! Please re-approach the stand."

"Okay, now _her_ I don't have to listen—"

"Do it, Alois!" Ciel ordered.

"Yes, my prince!" Alois returned to the front of the courtroom and bowed before Ciel and the judge. A look of repugnance slipped through the cracks of his forcedly pleased expression, but was immediately wiped off. He looked quite humble by the time he raised his head. "What is my next charge?"

"Alright! This simple but sweet accusation comes from _Zeni S. Master_, one of Claude's three fans: 'Ally-kun (Alois): I accuse you of being too flamboyant! As punishment you must wear jeans (REGULAR OR BAGGY NOT SKINNY!) and a plain, white t-shirt!' _Comprendez?_"

Alois looked the other two in the eyes. His pleasant smile faltered, overcome by a series of twitches and spasms. His head jerked on his neck and he blinked, one eye at a time, like a malfunctioning automaton. Nonetheless, he bowed again and said, "If my prince wishes it so, I will dress in the desired peasant's clothes." He twitched his way out the door. Once in the hall, the others heard him slam into a wall and curse loudly.

"I think we may have broken him," Brittany mumbled.

"I've dreamt of this moment for so long..." Ciel smiled and sipped his tea.

"For the next charge on the docket, could I please have everyone but Ciel approach the stand?"

The doors flew open with a gust of wind that smelled strongly of tempura and opium haze, and anyone who'd ever appeared in the courtroom filed in once again. Dismembered-Hannah led the way, hobbling and dripping various fluids as she did so, with Claude and a nearly unrecognizable Alois bringing up the rear. The blonde's face had recomposed itself into a perfectly natural expression of ease. It was downright spooky.

Brittany frowned. "His face is giving me the willies."

"It's perfect."

"Now your face is giving me the willies."

Ciel's smile did not fade. "Just do your job."

Brittany cleared her throat and read from the papers in her hand. "Contrary to the sadistic nature her penname might suggest, _EVIL GummyBear LOVE_ showed her sappy side and defended Ciel's honour after chapter seven. Hey, I bet she'd make a good lawyer! Maybe next—"

"Read!"

"Alright! Jeebus... Anyway, because of this grave injustice, everyone here is required to apologize to Ciel, with extra emphasis on the '_everyone_'. He is apparently still a child, which I suppose makes him fragile and a fan of apologies, and he's been through enough crap without me initiating shock therapy and rape. So... get to it."

The ghost of Fred Abberline raised a hand. "I didn't commit any wrongs against Earl Phantomhive."

"It says '_everyone'_! The reviewer is always right!"

"Alright... Sorry."

"I didn't commit any wrongs either." This was Lau speaking. As per usual, Ran Mao was attached to his side.

"You tried to kill him. What do you call that?"

"Tuesday."

"Just say you're fucking sorry!"

Ciel shot her a look. "Ladies shouldn't curse."

She twitched and smiled the most charming smile she could manage. It looked quite... odd. "My apologies, sir. What I meant to say was, 'Say you're cussing sorry, you dumb cuss.'"

"Better."

"I apologize, Lord Earl."

"This is boring," Brittany declared. "It's going to take for-cussing-ever if we keep on like this." She sifted impatiently through her papers until producing the right one, and began speed-reading from it. "Claude, apologize for brainwashing and bad-touching Ciel, making him throw up multiple times from your various nauseating appearances in the court, and for jizzing in his presence on more than one occasion."

"Sorry, Earl Phantomhive."

"Alois, apologize for every count of glomping, grinding, humiliating, threatening, insulting, interrupting, zapping, slapping, hitting, molesting, attempted raping, attempted pimping, and basically every possible form of sexual or physical assault ever that you have committed against Ciel."

Alois bowed until his torso was practically perpendicular to his hips. "You have my sincerest apologies, my prince."

"Sebastian, apologize for every instance where you blatantly disobeyed Ciel's orders in this court, trying to rape him, and for putting him in a five-tiered cake like an expensive stripper."

"My deepest apologies, young master."

"The Viscount of Druitt, apologize for inadvertently sending a horde of enraged perverts after Ciel."

"Sorry, Earl."

"Hannah, just cussing apologize. To the rest of the world too, while you're at it."

"Sorry."

"Dementors, apologize for cussing with Ciel's fragile mind during your first appearance here."

The Dementors said nothing, but floated in a way that seemed somehow apologetic.

"Thompson, Timber, Canterburt, Finnian, Mey-Rin, Bard, Grell, and anyone else I've missed, apologize for standing idly by while Ciel suffered."

There was a chorus of confused 'sorry's, some mute, apologetic nodding, and Finnian wailing for forgiveness.

"And me, for constantly interrupting, insulting, humiliating, and being largely responsible for every dreadful thing that happens to Ciel in my court. Ci—uh, Earl Phantomhive, many 'sorry's and imaginary sweets for my actions. I was very much out of line."

"Acknowledged."

Everyone took their seats, their expressions ranging from the innocents' confusion to Alois' creepy I'm-just-happy-that-you're-happy look. "Rockin'. And now that everyone's here, we can really get started. No-longer-Claude-zombie, please approach the stand!"

The demon, whose expression was still quite zombie-like, returned to the front of the courtroom. The way he held himself implied that he doubted anything Brittany dished out at this point could force a reaction from him. _Chapter two was a fluke_, his piss-coloured eyes seemed to say. _I was on an antibiotic for a lung infection I'd acquired from a severe cold, and it was making me overly emotional and irritable, not to mention more susceptible to pain than usual. The effect that your punishments had on me was strictly a one-time thing, so do not expect it to happen again. Also, I actually enjoyed the boiling oil; it was rather soothing. Therapeutic, really. The short and short of it is, you do not frighten or worry me in the least, small human female. Nothing you throw at me will merit any sort of reaction, mark my presumed eye-words._

"For being too indecisive in regards to which attractive adolescent British boy you wish to molest/serve under, you are hereby sentenced to undergo painful torture of the audio-visual variety!"

"I do not get to plead?"

"No, I'm pretty sure you're guilty. As I assume _EVIL GummyBear LOVE_ is as well, or she wouldn't have charged you. Anyway, Ciel and Alois are going to spend the day with Sebastian, and you're going to have your eyelids taped open and be forced to watch the footage. Cool?"

"Not particularly, no."

"Great. It's time to completely rip off one of the greatest 80's movies of all time! Get ready for _Ciel Phantomhive's Day Off!_"

Ciel frowned. "That doesn't sound very appealing to me, either. I'm not sure if I want to spend an entire day with Alois."

"But he's all _uke_-ish."

"True..."

"Fantastic! Now the lot of you, get out of my courtroom and have yourselves a good time!"

Alois lent Ciel a hand down from the judge's desk, making no further moves once the smaller boy was on the ground. Ciel made for the door with Alois following at a respectable distance, but Sebastian was snagged by the judge before he could do the same. "A word, Mr. Sebastian?" she asked.

"How may I help you?"

"You've been charged by _Zeni S. Master_ for not 'doing anything' with Ciel for the entire duration of the anime, meaning no kissing and not _nearly_ as much inappropriate handling as in the manga. I swear, you can't go ten pages in that thing without you doing something cute or suggestive to him. Or both."

"I suppose I am guilty of that, yes... At least, I did nothing inappropriate to him _for real_. Here, on the other hand..." he tapped his forehead implicatively.

Brittany paused while that sank in. She—and probably most everyone else in the fandom—had suspected as much. "Right. Well, as punishment—although I'm not sure if it's you or Ciel who's getting the short end of the stick here—the two of you must have 'hot, sweaty smut' at some point during your outing. Make it happen."

Sebastian's smile widened, almost imperceptibly. "With pleasure," he said. He took off after his playmates for the day.

With the Dementors' assistance, Brittany soon had Claude trapped in a chair in front of a small television by virtually every type of adhesive—duct tape, superglue, and steel cuffs welded around his skin, to name a few—with his eyes held open by a painful-looking mechanism. Within the hour they were watching as Sebastian and the boys took their seats at a baseball game. Ciel was ordering Alois around, asking for something else from the concession every time the blonde returned. Half an hour into the game, Sebastian caught one of the balls and placed it in Alois' hand with a smile, then sat down to share Ciel's nuts. Brittany was narrating the entire exchange as it happened, innuendos and all, just to irk Claude all the more.

While the Dementors watched Claude watch the trio watch the game, Brittany resumed her post on her desk. "Sixth on the docket for today: Thompson, Timber, and Canterburt! Could you please approach the stand?"

The violet-haired triplets shared a questioning look, but stood and stepped up nonetheless.

"This much-needed gem is from _Anna B-nana_, creator and host of the 'Everybody Loves Ciel Show'—which is impressively funny, considering how... well, how _tame _it is, compared to this whole shebang. Anyway, she would like to accuse you three of 'being too unreasonably quiet and sexy also for being Hannah's man-bitches'. How dost thou pleadeth?"

The triplets, of course, said nothing.

Brittany tapped her desk patiently, and then started kicking her legs less patiently, and then scrunched up her face impatiently, and then left the building for a moment to get a lemon square, and then returned even more impatiently, and then resumed super-impatient-stare-down-ing. "Guilty it is!" she finally declared. "I'm sorry I have to do this to you, but there simply is no other option."

The triplets exchanged fretful glances.

"You are sentenced to write and perform an offensive song about Hannah, in front of Hannah. You have an hour." She handed them a notebook and some pens. "Failure to comply will result in bad things. Okey?"

A pause. And then:

"Aw, man."

"I dislike bad things."

"What rhymes with stripper?"

_Meanwhile, at an art gallery somewhere downtown..._

Ciel was staring intently at a painting of a nude woman. He was feeling a mixture of disgust—the female form only managed to remind him of the prostitute's brutal murder he'd witnessed a while back—and irritation that this was his only reaction. When Alois appeared quietly at his side, Ciel shot him an annoyed glare. The dumb kid's gayness was rubbing off on him.

So he went to find Sebastian.

Ciel wandered from exhibit to exhibit, poking his head around corners, his heels clacking on the ceramic tiles. He was about to give up and leave in search of lunch when a gloved hand shot out from a narrow corridor and grabbed him by the sleeve. He stifled a yelp, frowning when he came face-to-face with the target of his searching. His eyes were drawn to Sebastian's lips, pulled up in that ever-present, mischievous smile.

Without a word, Ciel was led into a small, dimly lit room. The only light source was an elegant stained glass window that stretched from floor to ceiling and cast a prismatic glow over the only furniture in the room—a bench sized for two. Speculations began to bubble up in the back of Ciel's mind, but he made no resistance when Sebastian sat them down.

"Were you looking for someone, young master?" the man inquired.

"Just you." Seeing Sebastian's eyes light up, Ciel quickly explained himself, "I was in no mood for Alois' antics."

"Alois has been regarding you as a divine being all morning," Sebastian countered. "Though not without good reason, I must admit."

Ciel's eyebrows pinched together. "I beg your pardon?"

"Perhaps I could have worded that better," Sebastian admitted. "What I meant to say is that your appearance, as well as the dignified manner in which you carry yourself, are rather reminiscent of the gracious figures of, say, Greek mythology and the like. Mind you," he chuckled, "you are a much smaller version of such gods."

Ciel regarded the man with unconcealed suspicion. Why on earth was Sebastian sweet-talking him?

_Oh my god, he's fucking hitting on me. And he's doing a really shitty job of it, too._ "I hope you realize how ridiculous you sound, comparing me to a god to get in my pants. You sound like Bella Swan."

"Ouch. Is that not a tad harsh?"

"Quit beating around the bush! You've brought me to this room, and now you're spouting off nonsense. What is it that you want?" Ciel threw his hands up in question.

"The young master is terribly naïve," Sebastian murmured, seemingly to himself, then grabbed Ciel abruptly by the cheek and pressed their mouths together.

Ciel's eye/s widened in shock. He planted his pretty little hands on Sebastian's chest and attempted to push the man away, with no success. He was knocked back onto the bench, but the butler shot out a hand to catch his head before it hit the metal edge of the armrest. Ciel found himself completely and utterly trapped.

And then... he found that he liked it. Where Alois was sloppy and rough, Sebastian actually had some experience and consideration under his belt. He kept Ciel's head cushioned in his hand, drawing him in to deepen the kiss. His tongue slipped through the boy's soft lips, slick and sweet as it prodded around. Ciel gave a breathy sigh and reached his arms around Sebastian's neck. His eye fluttered shut, feathery lashes caressing the other's cheek. He was such a sucker for guys who didn't try to rape him.

Wait whut?

Back in the courtroom, Claude was watching this exchange of saliva with his mouth gaping like a half-eaten donut. "I worked so hard on that boy," he whimpered, "and this is how he repays me? I can't watch anymore!" He began to struggle against his thrice-reinforced restraints, only to be bitch-slapped by one of Dementors.

Onscreen, Ciel wrenched his head away, a string of spit trailing from his swollen lips. He wiped it off on the back of his hand, regarding his butler with blatant disgust. Sebastian made no move to stop him as he scrambled to his feet and brushed himself off. Ciel stormed from the room, muttering something about how he hadn't asked to be born looking this sexy.

"We're done our song," one of the triplets proclaimed.

"Awesome! I can't wait." Brittany finished off her lemon square and took her seat. "Whenever you're ready."

"This is for you," Thompson said, pointing at Hannah and grinning attractively. "Canterburt, gimme a beat."

The triplet with the lefty-fringe cupped his hands over his mouth and proceeded to lay down a sick beat. Thompson said 'yo' a few times, introducing himself by his rapper name (MC Righty-fringe), "Featuring, TIMBER!"

_Hannah Anafloozy, the hideous maid,_

_If it wasn't for date rape she'd never get laid!_

_With an ass big as the moon, (damn, that's large)_

_Tits like deflating balloons, (filled with pudding)_

_It's amazing she fit through the door of this room! (and it's a big door)_

_She heard stripes were slimming, (the vertical ones)_

_But who is she kidding? (ain't fooled me)_

_She eats so many kids it's a miracle her dress is still fitting! (they're just empty calories)_

_Got a coffee filter on her head, (seriously, what is that thing?)_

_Scares all the _garçons _from her bed, (run, _garçons_, run!)_

_And that blank stoner expression makes her look half-dead! (every shot is a mug shot)_

_Her mouth's some messed up shit, (that sucker's massive!)_

_Weird things keep comin' out of it, (like Alois!)_

_This contracts getting to be a bitch; I'd kill to quit! (I'm calling my union!)_

_She dresses like a stripper, (a cheap one)_

_Makes the perverts wanna rip her, (in half!)_

_If we could, right off a steep cliff we'd trip her! (into a sea of sharks)_

_Now she's got two boys in her gut, (supposedly)_

_Seven's her record, that slut, (I thought it was nine!)_

_The world'd be better off if she just kept her orifices shut! (for reals)_

_Her breath smells like her bum, (among other things)_

_Seriously, go get some gum, (Juicy Fruit, it's gonna move ya)_

_Or maybe she's too busy swallowing c—_

"Hey, do you guys wanna do Dim Sum?"

"Oh, is it lunch already?"

"It's 11:53, but if we go now we'll get in quicker."

"Alright. Just let me get my coat."

"I'll drive."

"Shotgun!"

"Hey!" Brittany shouted after them. "Was that the last verse? You guys aren't done yet!" She sat down and crossed her arms huffily. "Bring me something back!"

* * *

**Stay tuned for Part 2!**


	10. Chapter 8 pt 2 The One With Classy Alois

**I was just sitting here typing away when I hear my mom and sister going, 'Ahhh, ohh! Woww!' 'Impressive!' 'He should get an Emmy for this.' 'It's just like on the package!' So I went to go see what all the hullabaloo was about. They were in the kitchen watching my dad put icing on his first toaster strudel. And now that you know what kind of home I come from, I'm sure what you're about to read will make more sense.**

**Sorry for the wait P: Thar she is!**

_**Parte deux:**_

* * *

"You're Abe Froman?"

"Yes."

"The Sausage King of Chicago?"

"Ciel's a Sausage King, alright," Alois piped up. He quickly threw his hands over his mouth, appalled by his own actions. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, my prince!"

Ignoring him, Ciel went on. "Yes."

"We're not even _in_ Chicago." The host looked the trio over skeptically, then back to his clipboard, then back to them, then back to his _clipboard_, then back to _them_. The trio was now diamonds.

No they weren't. I'm sorry.

"I apologize for my young master's shenanigans," Sebastian stepped in. "He thinks he's in an 80's movie right now."

The host tapped his pen thoughtfully. "_Ferris Bueller_?"

"That's the one."

"Well, anyone who impersonates an iconic character from a classic 1980's movie just to get into a ritzy restaurant is alright with me. Allow me to show you to your table." He led the way to a round table by the window and set three menus in between the glasses and sparkling cutlery. "Someone will be along to take your order shortly."

Alois pulled out Ciel's chair. "My prince?" he said, gesturing to the other boy. "Or rather, my king?" Ciel took his seat with a smirk. Sebastian got Alois' chair for him, after which he seated himself. They had a lovely, expensive meal, with Alois acting all pleasant and neither Sebby nor Ciel mentioning the incident at the art gallery. Claude was positively foaming at the mouth by the time they got their check.

"Is something the matter?" Brittany inquired innocently. She was eating a Chinese pastry that the triplets had brought back for her, made of soft white dough and a sweet orange filling of duck egg custard that reminded her of the gooey/chalky consistency of partially dissolved Kraft Dinner cheese sauce (it's a lot nommier than it sounds) (I fricken love them).

"Now that you ask—"

"Next up, Finnian! Step right up, my boy!"

The gardener cupped his face in his hands, eyes wide with panic. "What did I do?"

"Actually, it's what you _didn't_ do. _Anna B-nana_ accused you of 'not putting your man-strength to good use', so you and I are going to go out and do exactly that!"

"But what if I hurt someone?"

"Don't worry, I've got insurance. _Maintenant, allons-y_!"

* * *

"Now you're supposed to get up on the float with all the German ladies and dedicate a song to 'a guy who thinks he hasn't seen anything good today'. Namely, me."

Alois looked puzzled. "You're Cameron? I thought I was Cameron."

Sebastian smiled. "I thought you would make a better Sloane. She is quite beautiful, after all."

Back at the courtroom, Claude did not like this.

Back at the parade, Ciel was getting annoyed. "I'm not pretending I'm Ferris Bueller anymore, so you two can quit your yapping over who's the paranoid best friend and who's the sexy girlfriend."

"The yapping is done. I'm the sexy girlfriend," Alois replied. "Oh! But only if you wish it so, my prince."

"Please stop calling me that. It's getting tiresome."

Just as Ciel was saying this, he saw his gardener run by towing a Chinese-style taxi with Mey-Rin, Bard and Brittany in it, cheering and whooping with delight. The passengers caught sight of Ciel and waved like crazy. Then they were out of sight, swallowed up by the colourful din of the parade.

"Ugh, I need to go somewhere quiet," he muttered. "I think I'm hallucinating."

He then witnessed a teenage boy in a sweater vest mounting one of the floats and dancing to the Beatles rendition of 'Twist and Shout'. By the chorus, everyone within a one-mile radius had burst into spontaneous dancing.

"Definitely hallucinating."

* * *

"Now take a right!"

"Where?"

"Up by the old man jogging. Then left by the man that looks like a statue that looks like a man doing the robot!"

"The one by the woman screaming at the pigeons?"

"Yes! Now stop by the playground up ahead!"

Finnian came to a halt at the crest of a small hill, just before the taxi/carriage/thing was sent rolling into a sand pit. Before them was a fully-loaded playground, complete with various climbing apparatuses and swinging things and things to make you dizzy and throw up. All the fun stuff kids inexplicably adore.

Two such children were sitting on the pancake swings, pouting. "If only there was a kindly stranger who was not any sort of sex offender or kidnapper to push us on these swings!" one of them lamented.

"I know, right?" the other agreed.

"Oh my god!" Finny shouted, leaping down the hill. "I'm a kindly stranger who is not any sort of sex offender or kidnapper!"

"Really?" the children cried in unison. It was almost too good to be true!

"Yeah!"

One of the kid's mouths popped open in a nice little 'o' shape. The other one got all sparkly-eyed and said, "Then what are you, kind stranger?"

"Me?" Finnian jabbed a thumb at his chest and exclaimed proudly, "I'm a gardener!"

"Hooray!" the children cheered.

"I know!" Finny skipped up behind them and alternated pushing both swings, earning all sorts of high-pitched squeals and such for his efforts. The children were fucking overjoyed.

"This is the best day ever!" one of them proclaimed.

Back on the hill, Brittany turned to the other servants. "Doesn't it feel great to give back to the community?"

"Yeah," Bard said, and puffed on his cigarette.

"Finny looks real cute with them," Mey-Rin mused. "I didn't know he could be so great with kids."

Bard paused mid-inhale. "He's still a child himself, ain't he? How old is he, anyway?" he pondered through the acrid smoke. Mey-Rin shrugged.

When the kids had gone through all three types of swings (pancake, regular and tire), as well as that teepee looking thing made of rope that you need at least three average people to properly spin, the Servantrio and the judge bid their farewells and resumed their road trip. They stopped along the way to rescue a cat from a tree, rescue a three year-old from a tree, rescue a rock band from a tree, un-beach a beached whale, make a citizens arrest against a couple of rowdy drug dealers, make a citizens arrest against Godzilla, and win a weight-lifting contest at the fair. Finnian's prize was a goldfish and the title of, 'Captain Biceps 2010'.

"_Wellp_," Brittany said as they meandered through the fairgrounds, "this outoing couldn't be considered a successful endeavour unless I get you laid."

"Huh?"

"Which shouldn't be too difficult, considering your awesome strength and classic good looks. You'll be hard-pressed to find a woman who's not into a man that looks like he's twelve."

"I don't understand."

Mey-Rin latched onto Finnian protectively. "Perhaps I should just stay with him for the evening, if you intend to return to the courtroom."

"Eh?" Brittany gave a blank look, and then it clicked. "Oh, no prob! Go nuts. Bard and I'll get a taxi."

"I'll pass," Bard said, eyes trained on the other fairgoers—particularly the women dressed down to cope with the heat. "I think I'll stick around here."

"I see..." Dejected, Brittany took off to find a bus. She didn't actually have enough money for a taxi. Fanfiction doesn't pay well. Or at all, really. "S'later."

* * *

It was very lonely back at the courtroom. Claude was still bound to his chair, unwillingly watching as Sebastian joined the two boys in a hot tub somewhere. They all looked super cute in their swimming trunks, dripping wet and flushed from the heat. The lame butler would probably have started crying if his eyes hadn't dried up like raisins hours ago.

Brittany sat down on her desk and pouted. Being alone sucked! If she'd been funny enough to host something like this on her own, she wouldn't have threatened and manipulated the boys into helping her!

"Almost last for the day, we have Grell. Because _Zeni S. Master _clearly put a lot of thought into her accusation—she gave everyone adorable pet names and everything—I'll just read it straight from the review: 'Greil-sama: I accuse you of being too gay and of being a complete f*g! FACE IT! YOU AND SEBASTIAN WILL NEVER WORK OUT AND YOU WILL NEVER HAVE HIS BABIES! (that's Cie-chan's job...tehehe) As punishment you must act like an American MAN for a WHOLE WEEK!'"

Grell, who'd been sitting on a table in the courtroom filing his nails, looked at Brittany with unconcealed contempt. "What a ridiculous thing to say. If Sebastian didn't love me, why would he make me disgusting tea and call me foul names when I tie him to the bedposts?"

"It's a mystery alright." Brittany paused as Claude let out a particularly pitiful wail. "Anyhow, I'm going to use my magic powers to cram a week into a few paragraphs. On your marks, get set, _go_!"

Day 1

It's a lovely Monday morning in the city. A redheaded man lies under covers, dreaming of his black-haired lover and the adorable African orphan children they will someday adopt. What a wonderful life they will have...

And then, like a brick to the face, reality hits him in the form of a phone call. The infernal ringing noise jolts him from his slumber. He peels the cucumber slices from his eyes and steps into his bunny slippers, groaning discontentedly as he makes his way down the stairs. This had better be pretty fricken important!

"You're on thin ice, Sutcliff! One more missed day of work and your ass is fired!"

"One more counting _today_, or is today like, a freebie?"

"Get the fuck over here!" his boss shouts, then hangs up.

"He needn't be so rude about it..." Grell mutters. "Honestly, some men have no class. Sebas-chan, on the other hand..." He remembers his dreams, embellishing them with more graphic thoughts of the object of his infatuation. Then he goes upstairs to take a 'long shower'.

* * *

"Excuse me, sir? You need to pay your fare."

"My fare?"

"Yes. It's $2.50."

Grell takes a good look at the bus driver, a plump, nondescript woman with plain pink lipstick. Her split ends are horrendous. "I'd rather not. We are done conversing now."

"Sir—"

"I said no, goddamnit!" Grell reaches into his briefcase and whips out a chainsaw. He pulls the cord and it roars to life in his hands. He waves it at the woman's face.

"Oh my god!"

"Drive the goddamn bus! People have jobs to get to!"

"Someone call 911!"

* * *

"Sebas-chan~! You came to rescue me!" Grell latches onto the bars of his holding cell. His eyes are brimming with joyous tears.

"The young lady here—" Sebby gestures to Brittany, "required someone to pay bail."

"Hello," Brittany says.

"I hate that girl!"

Brittany frowns. "Fine. Then we'll leave you here."

"No, wait!" Grell presses his face against the bars and says in a hushed tone, "That man in the corner keeps whispering highly suggestive and disturbing things in my ear! I'm too attractive to stay here overnight! You must get me out!"

Sebastian sighs. "I will go work something out with the bailiff."

Day 2

"Holy shit, it's you!" The bus driver recoils in her seat. "Why aren't you in a loony bin somewhere? They ought'ta have locked you up on Shutter Island or something!"

"Take me to work," Grell orders. "I have fare." He drops his quarters into the plastic box with a musical jangle. "Tell me when we are stopped at the Telus building. I'm going to rest my eyes."

"Do you want a fucking hot towel and complimentary champagne while I'm at it?"

"That would be lovely."

10 minutes later the bus lurches to a stop. "Psychopath in the back!" the driver hollers. "This is your stop!"

Someone shakes Grell awake and he is kicked abruptly off the bus with his briefcase flying out after him. He looks around, disoriented. He can't remember if his office building is indeed located in this seedy neighbourhood. A couple of young men with stylish bandanas on their heads and lots of heavy, flashy jewelry swagger over.

"You lost, fag?" one of them asks.

"Yes, actually. Could one of you gentlemen direct me to the Telus building?"

"You work there?" Grell nods. A fist comes flying and buries itself in his gut, and he doubles over with an effeminate shriek. "Thanks to that stupid phone company I get that fucking hippopotamus song stuck in my head every Christmas!" the man shouts. He spits on Grell, signals for one of his fellow thugs to steal his wallet, and they begin to walk away. They laugh and swear as they go.

Grell sits up and reaches for his briefcase.

* * *

"Sutcliff!" A stout man with a paunch and mustard stains on his tie stands before the death god, horrified. "Why are you covered in blood?"

Grell ponders this question. What was a perfectly reasonable thing for a human male to say in a situation like this? "It's my time of the month," he says.

"You're fired!"

Day 3

Grell signs his final application of the day with a flourish, substituting the tittle on the 'i' in 'Sutcliff' for a bubbly heart. That'll get him the job for sure!

Afterward, he begins walking home, muttering to himself about how shorter heels may have been in order for the long trek. He passes a café along the way and his stomach growls. He fishes around in his pockets for some loose change—a ray of sunshine in this otherwise dreary day—but comes up empty-handed. How depressing.

When he finally stumbles through the door of his home, he is further distraught at the state of disrepair it's come into. What a mess! Pizza boxes on the coffee table, shoes by the door scattered about like masses of panicked humans fleeing a ferocious dragon, dust on every surface, and the _smell_! "As long as I am unemployed, I may as well develop some good housekeeping habits," Grell decides, and sets about cleaning the mess.

While vacuuming, Grell finds a slip of paper under his couch. All he catches are the letters 'S-e-b-a' and a series of numbers before it is sucked into the vacuum cleaner. "No!" he wails. "Sebas-chan's number!" He dashes about the house, producing his trusty chainsaw, and slashes open the dust bag. Several years worth of crumbs, dead skin and spiders puff up in his face. But alas, it is worth it! Sebastian's phone number floats up into the air, and Grell swiftly grabs it. "I'll call him now!" he declares, and hunts down the phone.

_Beep-beep-beep-boop-beep-boop-boop_

"_Invalid number. Please remember to insert the area code._"

"Damn!"

_Beep-boop-boop-beep-beep-beep-boop-beep-boop-boop_

_Briiiiiinnggggg... Briiiiinnnnggg...Click._

"Sebastian, darling?"

"_Unda da sea, unda da sea!"_

"I beg your pardon?"

"_Down where it's wetter, here it is better, take it from me!_"

"Shit! Wrong Sebastian!" Grell hangs up.

Day 4

"Last question: I'm going to describe a scenario for you, and I want you to tell me how you would handle it. Do you understand?"

"I do," Grell says. He is dressed in his best red suit, sitting in front of the fourth interviewer of the day.

"You are driving your car, and there is only one spare seat—"

"Only one? I must have either a tiny ass car or a lot of bodies in the back!"

"Um..." The interviewer pauses and nervously sips her coffee. "Well, that's beside the point. You have only one spare seat, but as you drive by a bus stop—"

"Ugh, don't get me _started_ on buses. Mine has this infernal woman behind the wheel—"

"Kindly stop interrupting me!" the interviewer shouts. "You drive by a bus stop and see that there is a doctor, a critically injured or ill person who requires emergency medical attention, and the man or woman of your dreams. What do you do?"

"Sebas-chan is there? Then I suppose he's the one who injured the person, know what I'm saying?" Grell winks and laughs. "Obviously I'd have to get out and wrestle Sebastian into the car. Then we'd go on a road trip to Vegas to elope! I can see it now! It'll be _beautiful_! And then we'll check out all the most glamourous strip clubs, and steal Mike Tyson's tiger—"

"Mr. Sutcliff..."

"_Shut up and put your money where your mouth is~! That's what you get for waking up in Vegas~!"_

"Mr. Sutcliff!"

"Wait a second, I don't have a car. Thanks a lot for getting my hopes up, lady!" Grell stands angrily and grabs his coat from the back of his chair. "I didn't want to work at Victoria's Secret anyway!"

Day 5

While obsessively checking his eHarmony and Facebook profiles during the wait to be called back, Grell stumbles upon an intriguing website, "Fanfiction dot net? What's this?"

...

"Oh my lord! It's like a wet dream come true~!"

Several hours later, there is a knock at the door. A bleary-eyed, pink-cheeked Grell rises from his post at the computer and stumbles to the door. He opens it, holding a book over his crotch.

"Yes?"

"Hi, my name is Russell and I'm a Wilderness Explorer—"

"Kindly piss off." Grell shuts the door.

Day 6

Grell retrieves his coat from his locker, shuts the door, and finds one of his new co-workers grinning at him. "'Sup, newbie."

"Hello—" Grell reads his nametag, "Frank."

"I'm having the guys over for football night. You want in?"

_Football, football, football..._ "You mean the one where all the muscular men run around in those tight shorts?"

"That's the one."

"I would love to!"

* * *

"_Touchdown_!" the men all shout. They jump to their feet and bump bellies, beer sloshing around in their half-empty bottles. They commence whooping and pumping their fists enthusiastically. Grell sits on the couch, legs crossed, intrigued.

Who knew football could be such an arousing program? The men constantly tackled each other, the energy was rather catching, and there were, of course, the shorts. It makes Grell almost want to bump bellies as well.

And bump bellies he does. When the next touchdown is made, he joins his new friends in their aggressive celebration. How exciting it all was! It's just a dumb sport with numbers, but he can't help but get swept up in the enthusiasm. He bumps bellies with Frank, and with Todd, and with Mark, and Daniel, and then he returns to Frank and gives him a big ol' hug for inviting him over. "This is so much fun!" he squeals.

Everyone stops belly-bumping.

"Get out," Frank says.

"But—"

"Out."

Day 7

Frank filed a sexual harassment lawsuit. Grell is now out of a job for the second time this week.

And he still has no friends on Facebook.

And every time he tries calling Sebastian, foolishly hoping that the number from the vacuum will magically connect them, someone starts singing about the ocean.

He goes to McDonald's to eat away his sadness.

* * *

"You're back!" Brittany cheered, running to the door to hug Ciel and Alois. "I was all on my loney lonesome! It was super lame! But now everything's betttteeerr!"

"Unhand me, woman!" Ciel yelled. "Alois, get her off of me!"

"Yes, sir!" Alois grabbed Brittany by the arm, twisting it behind her back and kneeing her in the stomach. She fell over and gasped all fish-like until she caught her breath.

"You probably could've handled that better..."

"Oh, Sebas-chan, my darling! I just had the most horrific week!" Grell leapt through the doorway and tackled the ebony-haired butler. "Thank goodness you've come to comfort me!"

"Dress... like a pilgrim, Sebas... Sebastian," Brittany gasped.

"I'm not sure I understand." Sebastian flinched away from Grell's puckered lips, cringing.

She whipped her papers from her pocket. "_EVIL GummyBear LOVE_ said so."

Ciel picked up the papers and skimmed them. "Apparently you dress like a sexy butler too much." He gave Sebastian a quick once-over. "I must admit, you _do_ do that an awful lot."

Sebastian's perfect eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "It is my job."

"Just do it. I want to get this day over with." Ciel tossed the papers away. Tanaka appeared and caught them, 'ho-ho-ho'ed a few times and commenced paper crane production. "Alois, get her off the floor."

"As you wish." Alois grabbed Brittany roughly by the arms and hoisted her to her feet. He leaned casually to the right as she swung a weak fist at him.

Ciel looked at his slave-for-a-day, an idea forming in the back of his mind. The end of this blissful privilege was nearing; perhaps it would be wisest to use what little time he had left of Alois' obedience to the best of his abilities. Besides, something had been bothering him for the better part of the day, and he wanted it resolved. "Alois, could you meet me in the hall?"

"Why, certainly." Alois curtsied and followed Ciel out the door. They shut it behind them.

There was a bench in the hall, right outside the courtroom. "Sit," Ciel commanded him. They could hear all manner of squabbling and squealing seeping through the cracks in the doorway, but Ciel did his best to ignore it. Alois complied, smiling. "Actually, stand." He stood.

Ciel approached the blonde, trying to look serious. "I have a question for you," he said.

"Yes?"

Ciel paused, wanting to word this in the most sophisticated way possible, but knowing no combination of letters would make him sound like less of a child. "How... do you know if you're gay?" he blurted out.

Alois shrugged. "I believe it's a matter of choice, if you wish it to be. Not everyone is simply born _gay_ or _straight_; some just have enough sense to realize that love can be found in anyone." He paused to let Ciel absorb this. "Why, if you don't mind my asking? Do you have a crush on someone?"

Ciel glared at him, only to realize that he was completely serious. His tone hadn't been at all implicative, but merely interested in whatever Ciel had to say. This was getting really...

Annoying.

"No. I don't think so. Nevermind." He took another step towards Alois, pressing their knees together. "But there is something else that's been bothering me."

"What might that be?" Alois steadied himself on the bench's armrest. If he backed up any further his knees would buckle under him.

Ciel jammed his fingers into Alois' belt loops. "These. These stupid, shapeless pants. Take them off."

Alois looked at him blankly, and then smirked. "As you wish." He popped the snap and undid the fly. The jeans slipped down his delicate legs and pooled at his feet. He was, as Ciel had expected, wearing his usual shorts underneath.

Ciel shoved at Alois' chest, sending him crashing onto his ass on the bench. Ciel smiled triumphantly as he kissed him, sinking his hands into the soft flesh of Alois' bare thighs to steady himself. Alois grunted in surprise, or pain, or irritation or any combination of emotions—Ciel really didn't give a rat's ass. He felt like such a winner. It was awesome.

His victory was short-lived, however, as Alois was quick to knee him in the groin and skip away. "I'm free!" he cheered. "Free free free! Good-bye, stupid dumb pants!" The blonde kicked the evil jeans away and pranced back into the courtroom. "Free free free!"

Ciel groaned and collapsed heavily on the bench. So much for the no-violence rule.

_5 minutes later:_

"Hey, everybody!" Brittany shouted. "Guess what day was on Sunday that we're celebrating today because I was being too much of a lazy bastard to get this finished in time?"

"Talk Like Yoda in Pig Latin Day?" Sebastian suggested. He was wearing a pilgrim hat and a tunic and everything. He looked like he'd just walked out of a Monty Python movie.

"Awkward Moments Day?"

"Bathtub Party Day."

"Kiss Ciel Day." This was Alois, obviously.

"Beat Alois With a Fly Swatter Day." Ciel.

"Pester Ciel About His Sexuality Because As You May Have Noticed, He Wears An Awful Lot Of Jewelry For A Boy Day."

"Threaten To Shove Something Hard And Sandpapery Up Alois' Ass Day. Sideways."

"Wrestle Ciel in a Kiddie Pool of Whipped Cream and Chocolate Pudding Day."

"Commit Alois to Our Local Loony Bin Day."

"Did you know you can get $50 for doing that?"

"It's my BIRTHDAY!" Brittany declared. "Also the day Edward Elric burned down his house, but I think I was born before Arakawa-sensei started FMA, so we're going to celebrate me first. I brought Blizzard Cake!"

Ciel frowned. "Birthday's hold no appeal for me."

"I can't remember what day my birthday's on," Alois murmured wistfully.

"Well then," Brittany said. "I guess I'll go do my Physics homework. Hoorah. Bye, everyone!"

* * *

**There you have it! I can't wait till it really is Awkward Moments Day (March 18) (my second favourite holiday after Halloween). I'll enjoy writing the chapter for that, assuming this is still going C:**

**Ciel really got around today... I guess the horniness and OOC behaviour comes with being honourary **_**seme.**_

**Yep, so, thanks for reading and please review :3 It would be much appreciated! As a nice birthday gift for me! Please?**


	11. Ch 9 The One With the Wedding and Doll

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, AloisxCiel, some amusing clichés, bacon, boobs, Elizabeth, and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**This is admittedly not as epic as the last chapter, but you know, they can't all be masterpieces.**

**Also, I think I will stick with this formatting, because I no longer feel rushed. And 'cause I've seen the light and the script-style is rather why-don't-I-just-pour-lemon-juice-in-my-eyes worthy. I apologize to everyone for putting you through that! I'll just have to write three times as many eye-friendly chapters to make up for it!**

**Disclaimer: All your Kuros are belong to Toboso. **_**Je pense **_**that we have established I don't own anything cool.**

* * *

"Please! Ciel, stop, please, I'm _begging you_!"

"You need to learn your lesson, you stupid tart! Just take your punishment like a man!"

"But it _hurts!_ _Make it stop_!"

Brittany shoved the courtroom door open with her hip, balancing a heaping plate of Belgium waffles and bacon in one hand and a mug of hot chocolate in the other. "What the cuss is going on in here?"

"Ciel's forcing me to watch _Jersey Shore_!"

"Alois ate the chocolate cake Sebastian brought for me!"

Brittany frowned. "Oh dear, don't make me pick sides…"

Ciel crossed his arms. "Take Alois'. I don't need you."

"Thanks. That makes me feel really special."

"Well, it's true."

"Make him get off of me!" Alois whined. They were in front of the flickering television, with Ciel sitting comfortably on the small of Alois' back and effectively pinning him to the less-than-sanitary floor. "I've seen enough of this infernal orange woman!"

Brittany munched on her bacon and contemplated doing as Ciel said. "Cake-thievery is a pretty serious offense... especially if it's chocolate. But then again, no one should have to watch _Jersey Shore_. Or be used as a chair by a budding pimp with a French-ass name... Huh..." She tried her imaginary-beard stroking, only to remember that she'd recently had it shaved off. So she smoked an imaginary/bacon cigar instead.

Alois batted his eyelashes and made puppy dog eyes.

Ciel made a frowny face.

Alois stuck out his bottom lip and made himself tear up.

"Alright, Ciel, get off of Jimmy."

"Don't call me that!"

Ciel complied, 'accidentally' kicking Alois in the side of the head as he strode away. Alois squealed and snagged Ciel by the ankle, which sent him crashing to the floor and resulted in the two of them wrestling like puppies. The boys got a few good slaps and a wonderfully executed punch in before Brittany popped a balloon in their ears.

"Ouch!"

"What the hell!"

"Stop fighting!"

"But Ciel—"

"Alois—"

"This isn't about cake and this isn't about _Jersey Shore_! I can tell!" Brittany set down her breakfast and tapped her chin, cradling her elbow in her hand. "We may have to do some marriage counselling. Luckily, all those stupid online personality/skills tests I took in school said I'd make a suitable marriage counsellor. No, wait, a grievance counsellor."

Ciel scrambled to his feet and dusted himself off. "We're not married."

"That's right, the test said grievance counsellor, but me and my pimp were talking about how if we marriage counselled, we'd get to watch people fighting all the time and we'd make sure to fill our offices with heavy, aerodynamic objects and breakaway vases!"

"But Alois and I _aren't_ _married_!"

"Not yet, you aren't!" She whipped her papers from her back pocket, beaming proudly. "The accusation inflow is starting to slow down, what with the anime being over and everything, so not _only_ do I get to take care of a bunch of my own charges, but I also get to come up with more punishments! Isn't that great?"

"About as great as a bayonet in the stomach."

She gave him a look. "I don't think I like your attitude."

"Then you won't miss it when I'm gone." He headed towards the door and pushed it open with the intention of leaving, but was instead tackled by a squealing blur of blonde and pink.

"Where have you been?" the blur whined. "We were having such a lovely time at that ball, and then you disappeared! And I haven't seen you since!" The blur stopped twirling the poor boy long enough for it to become apparent that it was his perky young fiancée.

"Lizzie," Ciel gasped. "You're crushing... my ribs."

"Ugh, not her," Alois groaned. He'd long since gotten off the floor, and was now seated in front of the television watching _Project Runway_.

"Yeah, her," Brittany said, "Here to accept her first ever charge!"

Noticing the presence of another lady, Elizabeth halted her face-nuzzling. "Who's this? Ciel, you never introduced us!"

"Why is that my job?"

"She's your colleague, isn't she?" Elizabeth released her fiancé and floated over to Brittany. She curtsied and smiled her charming little Marquess-to-be smile. "Hello, I'm Elizabeth! It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Doubtful," someone muttered.

"Brittany," the judge said, and shook Elizabeth's hand. Even though they had something like a four year age difference, Lizzie was still several centimeters taller. It was rather irksome.

"Oh, how lovely. Are you British?"

Everyone looked at Brittany. She was some kind of Asian. "No..."

"Are you sure? You're speaking in a British accent."

"Er..." This was true. But it was really hard not to around all these bloody English! She did it after watching _Harry Potter_ as well, every time, without fail.

"Great, you've met her." Impatiently, Ciel ushered Lizzie away from Brittany. He looked to the latter and put on a protective face. "What exactly do you intend to do to her?"

Brittany shrugged. "Nothing major. She is a lady, after all."

"Isn't sexism usually frowned upon in a court setting?"

"Did someone say sex?" Alois piped up.

"I find it's best not to dwell on things that are merely 'frowned upon'. Things would get agonizingly dull otherwise." Brittany took her seat, shook out her papers like she was reading the news, and smiled sweetly. "Lady Elizabeth, would you mind stepping up to the stand here? We're going to play a little game."

"Let's go, Lizzie." Ciel grabbed his fiancé by the arm and attempted to lead her out the door. She was embarrassingly stronger than him and managed to stay put.

"What sort of game?"

"A game of pretend. First we're going to pretend that I actually have any authority over anyone, and then we'll pretend everyone totally didn't see this coming, pretend to throw a lavish party, pretend justice has been served, lather, rinse, repeat. Same as every week."

"I'm not sure I follow..."

"What the hell! Are you _blind?_ She looks like a homeless man from the _moon!_" Alois was on his feet, yelling at the television set. "How could she have possibly won?"

Brittany shot him a look. "Alois, stop watching _Project Runway_. We have serious business to take cake of." She turned back to Lizzie. "Lady Elizabeth, you have been accused by _VampAnimeLover254_ of being too oblivious of Ciel and Alois' obvious budding homosexual obsession with each other. How do you plead?"

Ciel paled. "I beg your pardon?"

Alois tutted at him. "It's not respectable to beg."

Elizabeth looked baffled. Her lips gaped uselessly, unable to produce much more than a drawn out, "Uhh..." "You're going to catch flies in there," Alois told her.

"I-I'm not sure what you're implying, miss," she eventually stuttered.

"It's exactly as she says!" Alois said. He skipped over and grabbed hold of Ciel, possessively rubbing his nape like one might a cat. The smaller boy shivered. "Ciel and I are lovers," he put his lips right up against the other's ear, "aren't we?"

"Is that true, Ciel?" Elizabeth's confusion turned to genuine worry.

"Of course not! We are _no_ such thing!" He tried to squirm out of Alois' grasp, but he too was considerably stronger than the thirteen year-old. Alois buried his face in Ciel's neck, giggling, and was swatted across the back of the head.

"_Oww_."

"Just pick 'guilty' or 'not guilty'," Brittany prompted the fretful girl. "This isn't theoretic physics. It's not even rocket science."

This statement did not appear to improve Elizabeth's befuddlement. Apparently she did not watch _The Big Bang Theory_.

Ciel was still struggling against Alois' unwanted embrace. "She's not guilty because Alois and I aren't involved with each other in any way. Get _off!"_

"Why must you hide our love? Elizabitch has a right to know!"

"Guilty it is!" Brittany decided. "As punishment, we will be throwing an impromptu wedding for the happy gay couple with Elizabeth as the flower girl!"

It finally clicked beneath all those yellow curls. "A wedding? But Ciel is supposed to marry me!"

"Don't you worry your pretty little head. It won't be _too_ official. You and Ciel will get married in due time."

"I still don't think—"

"Let's _git 'er done_!"

* * *

"We welcome you today to the questionably legit marriage of Alois 'Jimmy' Trancy and Ciel Phantomhive," Brittany read. Despite the mockery in her words, her tone was unusually serious. "We are met together in the presence of their dearest family and friends to join this _seme_ and _uke_ in unholy matrimony. This is indeed a joyful time, in which we witness the love of these two people expressed in the joining of their lives together."

Standing before the judge was the alleged 'happy gay couple' with—place your bets now; who's in the dress?—Alois in a flashy purple vest and hot pants and Ciel in a billowy white gown, drowning in layer upon layer of ivory tulle, roses, ribbons and pearls. His face was bright red, his expression vehemently hostile. If looks could kill, Alois would be incinerated where he stood.

After Lizzie had done a less than satisfactory job of dusting the aisle with rose petals, frowning bitterly the whole way and not even the least bit cheered by her adorable purple dress, Brittany had adjusted her sentence to include playing the role of Ciel's maid of honour. She now stood behind her cousin with the sourest look she could muster aimed directly at Alois. He seemed more or less oblivious to all the hatin' coming his way.

"Alois, do you promise to love and to care for Ciel under all circumstances, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, and in good times and bad? Do you promise to put his needs before your own, for as long as you both shall live?"

Alois' smile faded. "I have to take _care_ of him? Isn't that what Sebastian's for?"

Seeing an opening, Ciel smirked. "A husband overrules the necessity of a butler," he said matter-of-factly. "If I ever fall ill again—which is quite likely, considering I've never been in very good health—you'll have to nurse me until I am well. And yes, you must _always_ put me before yourself, _especially_ if you intend to wear the proverbial pants in this relationship." Ciel picked up his skirts and curtsied. "I am just a helpless lady in your eyes, after all. Aren't I?"

Somewhere in the front row, Sebastian was snickering. Claude uttered an almost inaudible sigh. Various other murmurs of surprise and dismay were heard among the guests. Brittany was stifling her laughter.

Alois looked panicked. "I…"

"_Do_," Brittany supplied. "You do. Ciel, the same question goes for you."

Ciel, who knew perfectly well that Brittany was not a real judge and that this marriage would be far from authentic, smiled and said, "I do," just to see Alois' face.

"Bu-bu-bu-but…"

"No!" a shrill voice cried. Behind Ciel, Elizabeth threw down her bouquet defiantly, and then grabbed Brittany's book and threw that too.

"Hey—"

"My Ciel will _not_ be marrying this… this, _psychotic slut!_ Ciel isn't gay! He's in love with me!" She turned to Ciel, desperate for backup. "Isn't that right, darling?"

"Uh…" The cockiness drained from Ciel's expression. He glanced around the yard—the flowers and benches and well-dressed guests, all congregated under a white tent—as if he might find the answer out there. "I'm…" Sebastian smirked at him (gay?), Claude looked all Claude-like (so not gay), back to Alois (maybe a little gay), and then to Lizzie (uhh). "I don't know…"

"You don't _know?_" Lizzie had started to tear up. She turned to Brittany and grabbed her roughly by the face. "What have you done to him?"

"Put him in a bunch of slutty outfits and forcedly Sherpa'd him up the mountain of gayness! Why? You don't think this is my fault, do you?"

Lizzie exhaled in exasperation—which she somehow managed to do daintily—and shoved the other girl away from her. She then grabbed Ciel by the arm and dragged him from the altar. Alois moved to reclaim his wife, a few choice insults on the tip of his tongue, but Elizabeth spun on her heel and swiftly bitch-slapped him, thus stunning and knocking him over. She continued on her way. "We're going to get you out of this ridiculous dress," she said before towing Ciel back into the building.

"Ow..." Alois rubbed his cheek. "She hits really hard."

Sebastian started slow-clapping.

* * *

"So what seems to be the problem here?" Brittany glanced at her clipboard, then at the two boys on the couch in front of her. She adjusted her glasses.

"There isn't one," Ciel said defiantly. He was back in his shorts.

Alois was still wearing his shiny outfit. "I agree. Our relationship has no problems save for the fact that Ciel wishes to keep it a secret and has neglected to tell me so."

"Is this true, Ciel?"

"No!"

Alois looked hopeful. "So you _do_ want to tell people?"

"No, we don't have a relationship to tell anyone about!"

"But we're married now, I think. You said, 'I do'!"

"I said that to scare you, you spoiled twat!"

"Whoa, language!" Brittany warned. "We've made friends with the f-bomb, but I don't want anyone calling anyone else lady parts." She scribbled something down on her clipboard. "Now, Ciel, why would you want to scare your lovely husband?"

"Because I don't _want _him to be my husband! He's annoying and disrespectful and _a total nutcase_ and I hate him! I want him dead!"

Alois pouted. "That really hurts, Ciel."

"I don't care! Do you think I give a fuck if I hurt you? All you do is abuse me and make me confused! I'm tired of it!"

"This is heavy," Brittany murmured.

"I don't _try_ to hurt you. You're just too touchy. And you know, one day you hate me and the next you don't, so how am I supposed to know how to act? And honestly, you think every little hug is rape! You need to get over yourself!"

"With you 'every little hug' _is_ rape! You get carried away! You have no restraint!"

"I do so! You just make it too easy!"

"I do not!"

"Hey!" Brittany cut in. "This isn't going anywhere! I have an idea though, and I think it will resolve everything."

"What?" Ciel spat, his voice thick with skepticism.

"You need to hug! And have it not turn into violence or rape."

Ciel narrowed his eye at her. "A hug won't solve anything."

"I think it might," Alois said. "Hugs are magical."

"Exactly," Brittany agreed. She resumed taking notes and waved a hand at them. "Get to it."

Alois scooched over on the couch until his legs were touching Ciel's. Ciel stiffened and clenched his eyes shut. He was deeply worried that a simple embrace might actually spark something in him, and he was currently regarding Alois more as a means of self-destruction than one of self-indulgence. Alois wrapped his arms tenderly around the smaller boy, smiling, and Ciel sighed with relief. It was nice and warm, but nothing more than that.

"See? All better. It's a shame we can't solve everything with hugs." She sighed. "I guess we'll have to stick with boiling oil and dance-offs."

* * *

"Next up, something I've been meaning to get to for a while now—"

"Oh boy."

"Ciel, Alois, and Finnian, please approach the stand!"

The chipper gardener came through the doors to join his master. "What are we going to do today?" he asked. "Last time was so fun! But—" his big eyes glistened sadly, "my goldfish already died. Me and Mey-Rin tried real hard, we really did, but little Mey jus' didn't feel like swimmin' no more."

"You didn't clean the bowl with soap, did you?"

"Bowl?"

"Nevermind. Anyway, I'm charging you all with being too goddamn feminine. I thought Finny was a girl for the longest time, and I think Ciel's had to clarify his gender on more than one occasion. Plead away!"

Ciel surreptitiously removed his earrings. "Not guilty."

"Guilty!" Alois chirped. "I know my legs are very ladylike. But my fans find the androgyny sexy, so it's no bother."

"And the worst part was, Bard said we shoulda fried her up into fish sticks and ate her!" Finny began sobbing. "I can't do anything right!"

"Please calm down," Ciel muttered. "I'll buy you another goldfish. And a bowl."

"Really, young master? You're so generous! Thank you!"

"Guilty! As punishment, I'm going to gender-bend everyone in this room!" Brittany whipped a remote with a single yellow button from her pocket and pressed it.

"Will it hurt?" Alois asked. His words were drowned out by a high-pitched keening noise, accompanied by a huge flash that left everyone with spots in their eyes. The lights were out for a second, encompassing the room in darkness, until they came flickering back on.

Ciel took one look at Alois and flinched back. His cheeks were stained a deep pink.

"What?" Alois said. He looked down at himself, but his view was mostly blocked by his chest. "I have boobs!" he said excitedly. "_Fun!_" He commenced self-fondling, pausing when he noticed Ciel. "Ciel has boobs too! Oh my god, they're so cute and perky! Can I touch them?"

"No!" Ciel winced at the higher octave his voice had reached. Other than that, the new A-cups and the length of his hair, he looked more or less the same. His clothes had been swapped for a baby doll dress with cap-sleeves and brass buttons, and his boots had turned into shiny black ballet flats. "Change me back!" he squeaked as Alois lunged for him.

"Please? Just one squeeze!" Alois begged. He was wearing a silky, tight-fitting blouse and very high shorts, displaying his shapely legs in all their glory. His hair fell in voluminous golden tresses over his shoulders. "I'll let you touch mine!"

"No!"

"C'mon! That's a solid deal! Mine are way bigger!"

Brittany laughed, half-startled by the low pitch of it until she remembered that she was now a dude. She fished around her desk until finding a mirror. She held it to her face hopefully, but was rather disappointed. "I look like a nerd."

"You are a nerd!" Ciel said. He was standing on one of the tables, poised like he was about to kick Alois in the face.

"I can see up your skirt, Ciel!" Ciel quickly pressed his dress against his legs. "Don't worry! Your thighs are still just as cute as before!"

Finnian, who had remained oddly quiet through all of this, was curiously prodding at his chest. "Can I have that mirror?" Brittany handed it to him. "Ah! I'm so pretty."

"My point exactly."

Ciel jumped down from the table and made a run for the door along the perimeter of the courtroom. Alois leapt over the benches, barreling into him and knocking him to the floor for the second time that day. "I bet your bush is blue! Let me see it!"

"NO!"

At that moment, the door was pushed open and a statuesque, ebony-haired woman dressed like a French maid strutted into the room. She had a silver platter balanced on her delicate fingertips, and a bemused look about her heavily-lashed eyes and plump, parted lips. Having caught everyone completely off guard, the click of her heels was the only noise.

"I think I just became a lesbian," said the deepest voice in the room.

"Could someone explain to me why I have become..." she gestured to her hourglass figure.

"Holy shit, it's Sebastian," Alois murmured. Ciel was speechless.

"Mr. Sebastian?" Finny asked, remembering to remove his hands from himself.

"I was, a moment ago." Sebastian's eyes were now trained on the blue-haired individual Alois was straddling. "Is that you, young master?" There was laughter in his voice.

"No," Ciel lied, and covered his visible eye. With his free hand he swatted Alois' wandering fingers from his thighs.

"You should wear skirts more often, Cielly. It would make things so much easier."

"Sebastian, get him off!" Ciel ordered in a piercing soprano.

"Him?" Sebastian set down his tray and met the busty blonde girl's eyes. "Ah, Earl Trancy, I presume?"

Alois looked serious. "My boobs are down here, Sebastian."

"Stop talking about them!" Ciel shouted. His face was dangerously red.

"Methinks someone has a titty-phobia," Brittany mused. "That reminds me! I was going to bring Doll in!"

"Please don't!"

The door creaked open again. A messy-haired, bright-eyed head popped in. "Hullo? Do I got the righ' room?"

"You do indeed!" Brittany clapped and smiled.

Doll came through the door and looked around. "Blimey, what the devil is goin' on in 'ere?"

Sebastian was holding Alois by the hair, who was squirming and whining, "I just wanted Ciel to touch my awesome rack! Don't get your knickers in a twist!" Ciel was dusting off his skirt and eyeing the tray Sebby had brought—sitting atop it was a fresh slice of cake and a green and silver tea set. Finnian was starting to look uncomfortable, and Brittany—still wearing the face of a teenage boy—was sitting daintily with her legs crossed and her hands clasped.

"Alright, this is weird. Even for me," she declared, and gave the yellow button a good push. The lights went out, followed by the flash and keening noise, and then everyone was back to normal.

"Cor blimey!" Doll was pointing at Sebastian with a shaking finger, and then Ciel, and then back and forth between the two. "You—"

"Made an end of you?" Sebastian supplied. "I was simply doing my duties as a butler of the Phantomhive estate. I trust that now we can put such past matters aside? I would not want any trouble."

"Er..."

"You have our deepest apologies, Freckles," Ciel said.

"Why'r you apologizin' t' me? I trilled t' kill you!"

"You know why." He turned to Brittany. "Why is she here?"

"I like her," Brittany said. "Anyone who'd get you to grope her to prove a point is aces in my books."

"Your books have really weird criteria."

"Be as that may, there really is no other reason for her presence. I just wanted to make things awkward. Oh!" She held up a finger in a the-light-bulbs-are-on sort of way. "Maybe she can help me with our next charge!"

Already bored with Doll, Ciel had migrated towards the cake slice and was now forking it into his mouth.

"Ciel, get up here."

"_Up here_, up here, or down here up here?"

"Down here. As in, approach-the-stand up here."

"What the dickens are you guys talking about?" Alois asked.

Brittany retrieved her papers and gave them a portentous shake. "This is so funny. God, I love this girl. _Mleleamur_ saaaays: 'I'D LIKE TO ACCUSE CIEL PHANTOMHIVE. Of (course' I say this) being incredibly rude to one Jim Macken (Or, Alois Trancy). If you will recall, in the final Kuroshitsuji episode, Alois says something similar to "I've wronged you, Ciel" Because Alois is amazing like that, and Ciel's just like "Your stupid. Now get on your sexy little knees and give me a frackin' blowjob, hoe." Except for maybe the blowjob part. I added that. Cause he's a pimp. Anyway, punish that brat any way you please.'"

Ciel narrowed his eyes, a look of dread passing over his face, but continued eating his cake like it was his last meal. Alois' ears perked up expectantly.

"Now, the only issue with this is that I have no earthly idea how to sentence you, Ciel. I try to make things ironic or at the very least _relevant_, but seriously, how does one make one sorry for not being sorry?"

"What do you mean? It doesn't say that."

"No, but us polite, humane people would have said, 'I'm sorry too, seeing as I tried to stab you through the duodenum or fagiggly-gland or whatever the devil it is that people have in their bellies'. You just kind of left Alois hanging."

Ciel set down his fork with an angry clatter. "There was a lot of shit going in! I could have cared less about social niceties, especially towards someone as infuriating as Trancy!"

"Just a sec'n now!" Doll interrupted, getting all up in Ciel's face. "If we can't show a little bloody compassion t'wards other folks who's down on their luck, and we can't find it in us to forgive 'em when they ask for it, then what exactly do we 'ave left as human beings? Hm?" She gestured towards the judge. "If 's as she says, the leas' you coulda done is acknowledge the kid 'nstead a demandin' he blow ya."

Ciel, who had appeared to actually be listening until the last sentence, blanched while the others laughed. "I didn't say that!"

"'Still don't excuse yur rudeness!"

Alois came up to Doll and put an arm around her shoulder. "I think I like you."

"Watch it, Jimmy," Brittany warned. "Don't go wrecking her innocence with your Alois-itude." She looked around the courtroom. Sebastian was still standing a ways off, seemingly unsure of what to do in this situation. "Anyone got any suggestions for his sentence? Anybody?"

"Blow me," Alois suggested.

"Blow him," Sebastian said.

"Apologize 'n' hug it out," said Doll. "Hugs are bloody powerful."

"Up up and away!" Finny cheered.

"I was gonna say let Jimmy pie him in the face, but majority rules! Ciel, you know the drill."

"N-no I don't! I refuse! Sebastian, withdraw your vote! That's an order!"

Sebastian smirked. Alois looked disappointed. "Would you prefer I side with Finnian, your circus friend or the judge?"

"Uh..." He hated hugs, especially Alois hugs, but he didn't mind pie. And he didn't feel like apologizing anymore. Plus, he'd had worse things than pie splattered in his face.

...

Like white wine, you perverts! It happened at that party he held? With Arthur Wordsmith? At least I think it was wine. If it was just water then my point is irrelevant.

"Side with the judge," he ordered.

Sebastian nodded at Brittany.

"Hooray! Pie time!" She started digging around in her desk again, and after a moment produced a loaded pie tin and a can of whipped cream. She gave it a good shake and emptied the contents onto the golden crust. Alois took the pie from her with a smile.

"Ciel?" Alois motioned for the other boy to back up. Doll, Sebby and Finny retreated to the sidelines and Ciel put several meters between himself and Alois.

"If you duck, Ciel, I won't hesitate to make you blow him," Brittany warned.

"I won't duck. I have more integrity than that."

Sebastian snorted.

To Alois she said, "Aim well. Whipped cream is like, six bucks a can."

"Rest assured, I'm well-practiced at aiming when it comes to cream." He smirked devilishly while Ciel rolled his eyes.

"On your marks—"

_SPLAT!_

"Oh!" This was Finnian. Doll was smiling widely, Sebastian was chuckling into his glove, and Brittany was clutching her sides in hysterical laughter. Before Ciel could regain his bearings, Alois pranced up to him and licked a trail through the whipped topping from chin to cheek. Ciel yelped and recoiled from him. He began wiping frantically at his face before he could have any more of Alois' DNA smeared on it.

When Brittany eventually caught her breath, she said, "So, Sebs, Jimmy, Ciel the friendly neighbourhood pimp, you guys up for a threesome?"

Alois' jaw dropped, eyes sparkling.

Sebastian did the same.

Ciel looked at Brittany like he wanted to ram his pimp cane through her eye sockets.

"No, Ciel? That's what I thought. Sorry, _VampAnimeLover254_. I tried. Maybe another time, when I have more rufies or hard liquor on hand. Now, does anyone know what day it is?"

"International Goof-off Day!"

"No Pants Day!"

"Read in the Bathtub Day."

"Lick White Cream Off Of Ciel's Face Day."

"Bash Alois' Head in With a Vuvuzela Day."

"Ask Ciel What the Frick a Vuvuzela is Day."

"Tell Alois to Quit Being Such a Lazy Fuck and Look it Up on Urban Dictionary Day."

"Laugh Because Urban Dictionary Called it a South African Torture Device Made of Colourful Plastic, When it is Clearly a Musical Instrument Day."

"Call Alois an Idiot Because Vuvuzelas are Friggin' Annoying Day."

"Kindly Ask Ciel to Quit Calling Me Cruel Names and Proceed to Slap his Ass With A Hardcover Book Day."

"If you two don't shut up there won't be any day left!" Brittany interrupted. "The day is 10/10/10, which is considered to be incredibly lucky, and also happens to be the number forty-two in binary code! Do you realize how significant that is?"

"No."

"Forty-two is only the answer to life, the universe, and everything! Haven't you read _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?_"

Ciel looked at her haughtily. "I read far more stimulating literature than that foolish nonsense. Besides, when would I ever find myself hitchhiking in outer space? The very idea is ridiculously laughable."

Brittany crossed her arms huffily. "People are celebrating all over the world right now! I even made cake!"

"What kinda cake?" Doll asked.

"Pineapple upside down cake. After all, it's a widely known fact that pineapples are the physical embodiment of the number forty-two." She produced a dish from her desk and set it on one of the tables.

"Do you listen to yourself when you talk?" Ciel laughed humourlessly. "I'm out. Sebastian, take me back to the manor. Bring Finnian."

Before he could leave, Alois wiped a dollop of whipped cream from the side of his face and smeared it on his slice of cake. "Bye, Ciel~!" he chirped.

Doll began shoveling in her dessert and waved as the Earl and his servants departed.

Brittany divvied up the cake amongst the reviewers, smiling and thanking them all. "Thanks for all the reviews; you guys are the greatest! See y'all next time! _So long and thanks for all the fish~!_"

* * *

**In loving memory of Finnian's goldfish. **

**Is that how 'rufies' is spelled? It's not in my dictionary.**

**Eheh, has anyone seen **_**The Hangover**_**? "Why 'roofies'? Why don't they call them 'floories'? That's where you're more likely to end up."**

**And I actually did finish this yesterday, ON TIME, but FF was all, "I don't think so, son." They were doing maintenance or something. Booo.**


	12. Ch 10 The One With Songs and Earl Retard

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, AloisxCiel, AloisxSebastian, SebastianxCiel fluff, one count of BBT referencing, two counts of terrible French, four counts of stupid musical numbers, one count of a pervert, and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**It snowed today D: Canada disappoints me sometimes.**

**You may not hear from me for the month of November. I'm apparently signing up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) so I have to write 50 000 words in 30 days, and while the expectations are low and the idea isn't to make a masterpiece, I don't want it to be total crap either. Wish me luck?**

**Disclaimer: All your Kuros are belong to Toboso. **_**Je pense **_**that we have established I don't own anything cool. 'Specially not IKEA. But most of the dumb songs are mine.**

**P.S. I'mma dedicate this to **_**mleleamur **_**and **_**Audactiy-cupcakE**_** because they make me laugh and they review **_**a lot**_**. You guys are great :3**

**P.P.S. It's not favouritism, it's a fact.**

**P.P.P.S Also Laura because she assured me this was funny even though I thought otherwise. You're great too :D**

* * *

Ciel, Alois and Brittany were sitting on their desk, which was actually a brand-spankin'-new cushy IKEA sofa because they'd put one up there for kicks.

_Sometime last week:_

Ciel approached the nearest blue/yellow-clad employee, licking the frozen yogurt from his lips and speaking in the professional but distant tone he reserved for the working class. "Excuse me, but have you seen an effeminate blonde boy in weather-inappropriate clothing and a tiny, loud Asian girl?"

The employee raised her head from the linens she was straightening and looked at the dark-haired boy and his ninety-nine cent ice cream cone. A wide smile burst through her cheeks. "Aren't you a cutie?" she said in the sunny but maternal tone she reserved for lost children. "Are you looking for your parents?"

Ciel sputtered, momentarily stunned by the prospect that someone as great as him could've been spawned by trash like Alois and the judge. "I-I am most certainly not! And don't call me _cute_. I will not stand to be spoken to in such a common manner!"

"You have a little fro-yo on your cheek, hun," she said, and offered Ciel a napkin from her pocket. "Those things are good, eh? Have you tried the meatballs yet?"

Ciel swatted her hand away, narrowed his eye at her, and huffed off in the direction of the living room section. When he'd settled himself in one of the spinny chairs, snapping at a child who tried to give him a spin and doing a couple surreptitious 360˚s when said child had run off, he noticed a purple blur of movement and people shrieking in crappy French. When he stopped spinning he saw Alois and Brittany rushing towards the bedroom section, Alois on a dolly and Brittany on a rolling desk chair, each heading a line of squealing children with stuffed animals and pillows and foam swords.

"_Allons-y, mes petits amis!_" Alois cried, carving a path through the startled shoppers and laughing maniacally. "We shall take the Textiles for ourselves!"

Brittany shouted to her own army. "To Småland! _Aller aller aller! __Vous denez être tres vite, petits personnes!_ We must protect the home front!" Then they turned the corner and were gone.

Ciel sighed and sunk back into his chair. An employee with a mustache and a copy of the IKEA catalogue under his arm approached him. "Are you lost, little boy?"

Ciel closed his other eye and indulged in a good face-palm.

_Present day:_

"And that's why we're currently banned from our local IKEA," Alois concluded with a smile. He patted the arm of their new couch happily. "They don't like when you bust all the children out of Småland and convince them to wage war on each other."

Brittany addressed the readers/watchers/audience/enthusiasts of fanservice and imaginary violence. "Hello, my fan-fuckin'-tastic ass-kicking reviewers, all you fabulous people who are so near and dear to my heart even though I don't actually know you! Those of you who don't ever review won't get any cool adjectives, but I appreciate you nonetheless and understand that you may be avoiding reviewing in order to keep from further stroking my seemingly inflated ego, or because you don't have any fingers and are therefore unable to type, so you see, you _have_ all been given the benefit of a doubt. I assume you're all awesome anyway, because you're reading Kuroshitsuji fanfiction, for crying out loud."

Alois spoke again, "If anyone's wondering about our plans for Halloween, we'll be throwing an all-out bash to celebrate one of my favourite holidays _as well as _my birthday, which _KaZeKaeRu1307_ has informed me falls on the fifth of November! I, for one, am _incredibly _excited—especially to go trick-or-treating. Ciel better be too, because he doesn't like to be butt-fucked by rolling pins."

Ciel continued to read and drink his tea like Alois and Brittany were unworthy of his undivided attention. Which is understandable in Brittany's case, but come on, Ciel; Alois is like a mini sex god. A sex _godlette_, if you will. Anyway, he didn't bother looking up from his novel to deliver his typical sarcastic speech on yet another reason why the world is lame. "What could be more fun than wandering about in the cold at night and begging for cheap candy? I couldn't be more thrilled."

Alois put his face right in Ciel's and widened his eyes like the horror flick child who sits with her dolls and sings nursery rhymes. "No, you couldn't."

"Okey _doke_," Brittany said. "Let's get the ball rolling here. I've been looking over past chapters and have come to the conclusion that both of my favourites have two things in common. One," she ticked off one finger, "they're really long compared to the ones prior. And two," another finger, "they both include the triplets singing ridiculous songs. So today we're going to deliver nearly all of our sentences in song! Thompson, Timber, and Canterburt, if you would?"

The violet-haired triplets popped up from somewhere and cleared their throats.

Totalamuto_, who totally rocks,_

_Sent us a charge in all cap-locks._

_For your bitchiness in the finale,_

_We have for you, Master Cielly,_

_A sentence that concerns your seat,_

_And for the fangirls, quite a treat._

_Instead of sitting in that spot,_

_You're to park your ass somewhere more hot,_

_On the lap of a certain black-haired man,_

_Of whom Sutcliff is quite a fan,_

_Please enter the courtroom, Sebas-chan!_

Right on cue, Sebastian came through the door with an armful of mewing kitty cats. "Bocchan, you will never believe—"

"Somehow I think I will." Ciel began tiredly rubbing his temples.

"A kind young man and the blonde beauty from _8 Simple Rules_ were sitting at a booth on the sidewalk corner, literally _giving_ away all these darling felines! And twenty dollar bills, for some unfathomable reason." The butler held up his catches and beamed. "Aren't they lovely?"

"No. Get rid of them."

"Oh." Sebastian clutched the cats tighter to his chest. Behind Ciel, Alois and Brittany were vigorously shaking their heads and hands and mouthing _Don't do it, man_. "I don't think I will."

"Sebastian, that's an _order_."

"OBJECTION!" Alois shouted.

"YOUR MOM!" Ciel countered.

"OVERRULED!" Brittany yelled, jabbing a finger in Ciel's direction. "The kittens may stay!"

"I said N—" Ciel interrupted himself with a series of violent sneezes. When he was done he blew his nose loudly into a hanky and shouted, "What part of _allergic to goddamn cats_ don't you understand!"

"Goddamn," Sebastian answered.

"Allergic," Brittany said. "I'm allergic to cats too, but I suck it up for the sake of my _friends_."

"I can shave them for you, if you like," Alois offered. "Mind you, I don't have a razor handy so I'd probably have to use these rusty garden shears I keep on hand." He brandished the menacing-looking instrument, which was instantly snatched up and disposed of by Sebastian. "Hey!"

Ciel sank back into the couch with a frustrated sigh and was swiftly joined by his butler and his cats. After much bickering, sneezing, lint-rolling and Claritin-administering, and various threats involving the vulgar use of frying pans, a sock monkey and two rubber bands, Ciel was on Sebastian's lap, cheek to chest, forced to snuggle against the smiling demon. His sneezing was under control and Brittany had stopped rubbing her eyes, so all was good.

Except Alois was kind of envious, so he was alternating between giving Ciel the cold shoulder and threatening to drown himself in his tea. At some point he got out a cell phone and began texting.

"This is so fun!" Brittany proclaimed, tossing glitter and confetti over Sebby and Ciel's heads. "MC Righty-Fringe! The next accusation please!"

This time it was Timber who provided the beat, while MC Righty-Fringe was accompanied by the musical talents of 'Lil Lefty-Fringe'. "This is The Milk Chugging Rap," he said. "I hope you dig it."

_Yo!_

_In chapter four of manga one (way back in the day)_

_Bard made a dire mistake. (dire indeed)_

_He expressed disbelief in the power of milk! (shun the non-believers!)_

_Milk's awesome, for goodness sake! (shun! Shun!)_

_It can make a dull judge funny,_

_And turn a grey sky sunny._

_Milk's friggin' magnificent,_

_Unless you're lactose intolerant._

_Recently, we've also noticed, (check it)_

_That Ciel has an unusually large, (that's what she was saying)_

_Amount of tea sets, for a young boy, (oh)_

_And for this we press our charge! (right, I knew that.)_

_You're only thirteen, dude,_

_And we don't mean to be rude,_

_But quit lounging around sipping tea,_

_When you should be playing PS3._

_And lastly we turn to Seb, (sup, Seb)_

_Whom we hold responsible for, (among other, spear-related things)_

_Enabling this tea set addiction. (dude's a bad influence)_

_As if Ciel needs more! (well, when you have tea time ten times a day…)_

_We recommend you smash them all,_

_And buy that kid a soccer ball,_

_But we've decided that we will, instead,_

_Hold a massive milk-chugging contest!_

_Lined up on the table here, (that last one didn't rhyme)_

_Are the tea sets—all one-forty. (seriously, Thompson)_

_So take your places, Sebby, Bard, (no, stop, my OCD's not likin' this)_

_And our brooding, effeminate shorty. (hold up, man!)_

_There'll be plenty of time for hugging._

_Right now, let's do some chugging!_

_Chug! (yo)_

_Chug! (yo)_

_Chug! (yo)_

_Chug! (yo)_

_Word._

As was described by the song, all one hundred forty-some of Ciel's tea sets were spread out across the tables, each containing a pair of cups filled to the brim with the king of all dairy products and champion of all beverages. The three accused/contestants had taken their positions behind the tables. Ciel looked un-amused, as always, Sebastian looked smug, as always, and Bard, who'd been ushered into the courtroom at the start of the rap, looked baffled and about to protest.

"This is an utter waste of time," Ciel complained. He was still wrapped in Sebastian's arms. "Why on earth _wouldn't _I have a large amount of tea sets? I'm filthy rich. It's a display of status."

Brittany was petting one of Sebastian's cats. "Just shut up and drink your milk."

"READYSETGO!" Alois shouted.

Bard blinked once and then kicked into soldier mode. He attacked those teacups like they owed him money, swift and methodic and almost violently so. It was apparent he had experience doing shots.

Sebastian had let go of Ciel for the moment and was moving too fast to be seen, so the only evidence of his presence was the clatter of teacups landing on saucers again and again.

Ciel picked up one of the cups and took a sip.

"Drink faster!" Brittany yelled at him and started pounding her fists on her lap. "Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!"

Alois had resumed texting and was giggle-snorting in a way that was somehow both cute and obnoxious. "Ahaha! It is _soo_ obvious!" Brittany and two of the cats looked at him questioningly. "You'll never guess what _mleleamur_ said about Ciel. She says he's always like, 'I might be gay for Alois, but I'm not gonna make it toooo obvious.'" Alois laughed again. "It's so bloody true!"

Suddenly Sebastian was at the desk/couch with several saucers of milk in his hands and an accomplished smile on his face. "The milk has been chugged, miss." He set down the saucers for his cats.

Ciel took another sip.

Bard flopped back on one of the benches and heaved a great sigh. He had a wide milk mustache and a full belly, and along with the creak of the bench, the slosh of milk in his gut was also audible. "That was pretty tame for a shot competition," he commented. "Bring out the whiskey; I'll drink you all under the table."

"Haha! _Dear pancakes!_ That's funny!" Alois continued laughing.

Brittany looked at him again. "Now who are you texting?"

"_Audacity-cupcakE_."

"How do you have their numbers!"

His phone started ringing. "Ah, it's _Anna B-nana_." He picked up. "Yes? ... Already? We just did one. ... Well, I have this court thing to do, and then I have like, three more chapters of _The Interview_ to do, and probably another job at the _Let's Kill Claude Center_— Yes, I know. ... Fine! Just give me a day or two! Jeepers." He hung up and set his phone down, where a cat promptly began to swat it from paw to paw. "It's hard work being so in demand."

Ciel took another sip of milk, eyebrows pinched together, shoulders tensed. He looked a little less than pleased that Alois was going to such lengths to invoke jealousy in him. Or at least, that's what he assumed was going down, because most things revolve around Ciel.

Eheh, revolves around Ciel. Watch this, I just realized I'm going to employ the use of foreshadowing.

Brittany set the cat she was holding aside and produced a CD player from her desk. "Now that everyone's full of calcium, we're all going to indulge in a moment of amusing immaturity. _VampAnimeLover254_ requested that Alois and Sebby dance around Ciel to... well, you'll see." She hopped down to situate Ciel in the middle of the empty space between the tables and desk while he frowned at her.

"Is this going to be stupid?" he asked.

"You bet." She stepped back and hit the _play_ button, and one of the most ridiculous songs ever written began to play.

_I'm too sexy for my love,  
Too sexy for my love,  
Love's going to leave me.  
I'm too sexy for my shirt,  
Too sexy for my shirts,  
So sexy it hurts._

"Fuuuck yes! This is my jam!" Alois shouted. Forgetting that he was supposed to be mad at Ciel, he grabbed the boy by the hands and started twirling him. They did 'Around the World' a couple of times, and then Alois mashed Ciel against his chest so they could slow dance. "This song always makes me think of you," he whispered.

"I can't say I'm familiar with this melody," Sebastian said thoughtfully. But he did a little dance anyway—composed primarily of hip-waggling and a couple claps—and gradually completed a circuit around his master.

_And I'm too sexy for your party,  
Too sexy for your party,  
No way I'm disco dancing.  
I'm a model you know what I mean,  
And I do my little turn on the catwalk,  
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk, yeah,  
I do my little turn on the catwalk._

"Good god," Brittany muttered, covering her ears, "this is terrible! _And _he refuses to disco dance! What a load of bull; I spent most of 2009 disco dancing!" She picked up the CD player, made her way out of the courtroom and down the hall, through a door marked 'Authorized Personnel Only', up a staircase, through another door and out onto the roof. Everyone in the courtroom heard as the device—still emanating that horrific song—succumbed to the beauty of 9.81N/kg acceleration and crash to the concrete below where it smashed into many shiny pieces.

"Alright," she said, returning to the room and dusting off her hands. "One more charge for Ciel, and then I've scheduled something that's long overdue. I think Alois will enjoy it."

The blonde glanced up from his phone. "Do I get to hurt someone?"

"We'll see."

"Alright."

Brittany turned to the musical trio. "Triplets—hey, did you know that getting identical triplets is as likely as winning the lottery? Your guys' mum should've bought a lottery ticket instead."

They said nothing. One of them looked slightly offended.

"Right then. Could you sing us our next charge?"

They cleared their throats and began:

_Ciel has been a jerk, 'tis nothing new,_

_But your actions have made Alois blue. _

_You sat on him and made him watch _Jersey Shore_, _

_You 'snuggled' with Sebastian like a common whore,_

_You dissed _The Hitchhiker's Guide_ and 42_

_And now _linky-link _has a sentence for you._

_You must think Aloises grow on trees,_

_But there's really only one of these,_

_Yet you take him for granted,_

_As _linky-link _ranted,_

_So to learn the meaning of value, a kiss you must see._

_After which you have lines to write,_

_Like Bart Simpson on weekday nights._

_To teach you the value of 42,_

_And affirm that _The Guide_ is not as stupid as you._

_Maybe after this you'll see the light!_

_And lastly you'll have to _regarder

_The dumbest show I've seen to this day,_

I Love New York_ seasons one and two,_

_And a really bad spin-off to boot,_

_Perhaps then you'll think twice about what you do!_

Ciel's frown got frownier. "What does that mean, 'a kiss I must see'? I don't follow."

"Fo shizzle?" Brittany sighed overdramatically and excavated her papers from the depths of her desk. "Why do I bother with these songs if they don't make things perfectly clear?" Having produced the correct sheet, she cleared her throat and summarized, "You are to witness Alois snogging another man, preferably Sebastian, though any guy is fine as long as it is a 'fucking delicious hot kiss'. Then you will learn not to take his kindness and affection for granted."

A single sarcastic chuckle burst from Ciel's mouth. "Kindness? In what way is assaulting, molesting, and taking advantage of me being _kind?_"

Everyone looked at Ciel.

"_Whoa!_" Brittany said, "When on earth did he 'take advantage' of you, and where was I?"

Realizing his slipup, Ciel shut his eyes and got all huffy and flustered. "I-I didn't mean it _that _way! I meant—"

"You're digging your own grave, Ciel," Alois said in a sing-song voice.

"Shut it, you psychopath!"

"You know you love it," Alois teased. "And I don't believe I like your tone." He rose from his seat on the couch and made his way over to Sebastian with a wry smile on his face. There was an armchair in the corner of the courtroom that Brittany's dog had been napping in all morning, and after grabbing Sebastian by the tie, Alois led him to it. The dog scrambled off before Sebastian was pushed into it. Alois climbed onto the man's lap and cradled his face in his hands. "Perhaps it _is_ time Ciel was taught a lesson, hm?"

"It could not hurt," Sebastian agreed with a smirk.

Ciel's cheeks turned pink, out of anger perhaps, or maybe at the thought of what he was about to witness. "Ugh! I refuse to watch this!" He covered his good eye with a hand and turned away.

Alois ducked in to take Sebastian's lower lip in his own, emitting a loud moan at the taste of the demon's skin. Ciel cringed at the sound even though he was certain it was (mostly) phony. Alois continued to make obscene noises, laying it on extra thick to compensate for the fact that Ciel couldn't see the swapping of spit. Sebastian let out a low chuckle at his master's face, and it was this which caused the boy to snap.

"SEBASTIAN, IF YOU DON'T CUT THAT OUT THIS—"

At that moment, a girl with a briefcase burst into the courtroom, thus cutting Ciel off. "Never fear!" she said. "I've come to save you, Ciel!"

Ciel raised an eyebrow at her. "And who might you be?" he said with sarcastic interest.

"Your new defense attorney," she answered with a smile. "I look forward to working with you!"

Brittany elaborated. "This lovely lady is _BTW-ibite_, who studied at Mockingturtle University's Law School for 3 years, and would like to put her semi-certified law degree to use and represent you in the _linky-link_ vs. Ciel case."

_BTW-ibite_ came to the front of the courtroom and set down her briefcase amongst the empty and milk-filled teacups. "We can win this thing, Ciel. I promise you, you won't have to watch any craptacular reality TV."

Ciel put on his i'm-srs face. "I can fight my own battles."

"No you can't." She popped open her briefcase and extracted a really weird looking cookie-type-thing. "Want one?"

"What is _that_?"

"A chocolate, candy corn, cow patty cookie. My mom makes them for Halloween."

Ciel debated accepting any food named after cow shit, but took one anyway. "Thank you."

"All rise!" Brittany said. She'd looked everywhere for a gavel, which her courtroom was for some reason lacking, but had only been able to find one of those squeaky plastic hammers that toddlers get a kick out of. She squeaked it a couple times on her desk and then got everyone to sit down again. "We are gathered here today—no wait, that's not right. Uh, Case 43, Ciel vs. yet-another-angry-reviewer."

"Why do I get the most of these infernal punishments?" he mumbled, mostly to himself.

"You're the protagonist," the judge answered. "It's all part of the job. Anyway, for the actions mentioned in song, your suggested sentence is as follows: you must write a billion lines reading, 'The answer to life, the universe, and everything = 42,' and 'I'M STUPID, NOT THE AWESOME BOOK AND MOVIE _THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY_,' after which you are to watch a marathon of both seasons of _I Love New York_—and to give you an idea of just how stupid that is, New York is the chick's nickname—and _New York Goes to Hollywood_." She paused, unsure of how to proceed from there. "How, um... What do you think about that?"

"It's completely uncalled for."

"It _is_ completely uncalled for!" _BTW-ibite _agreed, washing down her cookies with a cup of milk. "It's obvious that this courtroom brings out the worst in my client, which is entirely understandable considering the fact that he's forced to hang out with one person he strongly dislikes—no offense or anything—and someone he has a love/hate/denial/random-bouts-of-über-gayness relationship with. This would greatly affect his decision-making skills."

From beside Sebastian in the armchair, Alois let out a dark chuckle.

Brittany nodded pensively. "All excellent points."

"And then of course there are all the other punishments he receives, which as he mentioned, there are _a lot _of, so we really can't blame him for venting a little anger on Alois or _The Hitchhiker's Guide_." She paused to let this sink in. Brittany did a little fake-mustache twirling. "I suggest," _BTW-ibite _continued, "that he only has to watch the title sequence of that dreadful show, and then write as many lines as it takes to fill up this post-it note."

"Two post-it notes," Brittany countered.

"One and a half post-it notes."

"Only the title sequence?" Alois protested. "I had to listen to that orange midget for five entire minutes! Give him at least that much or I'll have to hire a prosecutor."

"We don't know any prosecutors," Ciel pointed out.

"Claude would do it. If he were here, your ass would be grass! Now that he's no longer a smoldering hunk of decaying undead butler, I imagine he would pull it off quite effectively."

"_You're _a smoldering hunk—"

"I'M SORRY, CIEL, WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?"

Brittany turned to _BTW-ibite_. "What do you think of five minutes?"

She pondered that for a moment. "How about four?"

"Four and a half."

"Three."

"Hey, that's not how haggling works..."

"Two and I'll give you a cow patty cookie and this shiny button." She brandished a four-holed purple button that'd been somewhere among the other contents of her briefcase.

"That's a real nice button," Ciel said. "It's got like, a marbley thing going on and everything."

Brittany considered this. "I do like buttons... Done." She squeaked the gavel and said, "Case closed!"

Alois slammed the little television set in front of Ciel and turned it on, volume cranked. "Have fun. She's worse than the oompa-loompa." He then produced a pair of earplugs from his pocket and stuffed them in.

Ciel's faced scrunched up in concentration as he attempted to distract himself from the obnoxious opening sequence with his lines. "The answer to life... the universe... and everything = 42. The answer to life... the universe... and everything = 42." When it was finally over, he flopped back in his chair and heaved a sigh of relief. "That was painful."

"Are we even, then?" Alois inquired, removing his earplugs.

Rather then speak his mind and risk another ludicrous punishment, Ciel just said, "Sure, we're even."

Alois leaned forward and kissed him on the nose. Ciel took a deep breath and counted quietly to ten, tense hands in his lap forming a neck-shaped hole.

_BTW-ibite_ stood and snapped her briefcase shut. "I think that went well. Not as exciting as my last case, but still fun. It'd be hard to one-up a riled up five year-old and a costumed bunny anyway."

Ciel got up to shake her hand, but she grinned and hugged him instead. "Thanks," he said, withholding his complaints at being touched. "It's too bad you weren't here seven chapters ago."

"It was my pleasure!" She fished a rectangle of white cardstock from her pocket. "Here's my card. Drop me a line if you ever find yourself in a pickle again. Like I told the judge: I believe I can keep—in the words of Sebastian—your 'appallingly fuckable ass' from too many bad touches."

"Thank you. Tell your mother she makes good cookies."

"I'll pass the message along." The defense attorney gave everyone a wave. "I'll see you all later!"

Brittany waved back. "'Slater! It was nice having you!" Then she was gone. "I like her," Brittany said. "I hope she comes to our Halloween party. Now, Ciel, don't you have someone to be cuddling with?"

"I still have to do that?" He cursed under his breath. "I should've kept my lawyer here..."

Sebastian came over and scooped Ciel up, settling them down in the armchair. "I may be mistaken, but I'm quite certain that cuddling does not count as this so-called 'bad touching'. Look—" he held up his hands defensively, which had been on Ciel's shoulder and arm, "I'm not touching anything inappropriate."

"Really, Sebastian?" Brittany scoffed. "The reviewers won't like that. No matter, though. We have a special, undead guest here to accept a much-needed charge! BRING IN THE LATE EARL TRANCY!"

The king of all pervs was led into the courtroom by Dementors, who appeared reluctant to actually touch him. He looked as hideous and scared as ever.

"Eww!" Alois cried. "I was hoping I wouldn't have to see his nasty mug for quite some time!"

Brittany looked down on him from her couch/desk, her expression one of disgust, slowly tapping her squeaky hammer against her palm in a way that was inexplicably menacing. Her dog was on the couch beside her, growling. Alois was on her other side, looking like he was about to start growling. "The only Trancy recognized by this court is Alois over here, so you will be nicknamed _Late_, which in French is _retard_, so I'm just going to call you _Retard_. I hope that won't be a problem."

_Retard_ looked confused. "I'm not sure I understand what I'm doing here. What is this place?" His gaze turned to Alois. "What are you doing with my doll?" He began to drool and make googly eyes at the blonde. "He was my faaavourite..."

"Shut it, _Retard_!"

"Uugh." Alois covered his eyes with a hand, looking slightly embarrassed. "I'm sorry you have to see this, Ciel."

"I can't see anything," Ciel complained. Sebastian was resting his chin in the boy's midnight hair, thus tucking his head against his neck. He was smirking and rubbing Ciel's back like he'd just had a nightmare or something, which when you think about it, he kind of had.

"_Retard_, you stand pitifully before us today to make amends, which _theSleeper_ has deemed you at least that worthy of. You have three chances to atone for heinous crimes of the sexually disgusting variety that you have committed against our dearest Alois. Should you fail the first two, drastic measures will be taken. Now, chance number one: muster up an apology from the depths of your shallow, pathetic heart to ease the suffering you've put Alois through."

"I..." _Retard_ tried to look Alois in the eyes, but the boy's icy gaze paralyzed him where he stood. His knees buckled under his considerable weight, and just like that he was on his knees. "I... I don't know what to say... Jim came to me, I swear it! He—he _wanted_ to, to..."

"Don't call me Jim!" Alois dug a number of guns from the couch cushions. His pellet gun, Ciel's dart gun, a few Super Soakers, and Brittany's once-used paintball gun. This is the one he chose to nail _Retard_ in the face with.

"P-please! It wasn't my fault! The other boys weren't treated any differently, so—" He was cut off with another round of paintballs.

"Bet you don't like getting balls in the face now, do ya!" Alois shouted.

"Strike one!" Brittany declared, smacking her squeaking gavel on her knee. "Chance number two: bring in the 'inhumane psychologists'!"

A panel of stiff, humourless-looking men and women marched into the room single file and took their seats at one of the tables, which were still covered with tea cups. A particularly vicious-looking man simply glared at them, and they all shattered.

"Great, now I have to buy more," Ciel muttered.

"What's this?" _Retard_ asked worriedly.

One of the women glanced at her clipboard and then at the trembling pervert. "Late Earl Trancy, is it? I'm Dr. Noephun. These are Drs. Killjoi, Alwerk and Noeplai, and on the end there is Dr. Bonecruncher. We're here to discuss your little child-molesting problem."

"N-no, you misunderstand! It's—"

"I beg your pardon, Late Earl," Dr. Noephun said. "We never _misunderstand_."

Another doctor spoke up—either Alwerk or Noeplai. "I believe that imprisoning a dozen adolescent boys in your basement and routinely raping them qualifies as a 'problem'."

"I wasn't _imprisoning_ them, per se—"

"Fine," the doctor went on. "Entrapping, confining, incarcerating, holding against their will, whatever you want to call it." He looked at _Retard _over his glasses, eyes pale like an unforgiving winter sky. "What do you have to say about that?"

"I—I—I..."

Alois shot him in the back. "You scratched me here," and on the shoulder, "and bruised me here," _splat splat splat_, "and here and here and here and _burned_ me here—" His gun started clicking, out of ammo. "Crap."

Dr. Killjoi clasped her hands in front of her and leaned forward. "Now, you're what we in the field call a 'pussy'. You prey on defenseless children that you have _other people_ collect for you while _you_ lounge about in the safety of your manor. Other terms for your condition are 'despicable', 'sickening', and 'naus—BLEGH'. What do you have to say for yourself?"

_Retard_ had started to cry, shaking with wails that sounded precisely like whales. Sad, fat whales. "H-he's just s-so _beautiful_!"

"You'll have to speak up, sir."

"_He's so beautiful!"_

Alois grimaced and started sifting through the guns again. "Whoa! A BB gun!" He took aim and shot the man in the arm. The bullet shook his gelatinous flesh and was instantly rejected. Evidently even it didn't want to touch the pervert.

"I'm not hearing an apology!" Brittany hollered.

Now it was Dr. Bonecruncher's turn. He was a big, lumbering man with a full beard and a monocle that was nearly swallowed up by his massive face. He looked both intellectual and terrifying and was in fact the one who'd shattered the teacups. "Do you feel any remorse at all?" he boomed.

"I... I..." More wails.

Brittany squeaked her gavel. "Strike two! THE EYES OF NOTRE DAME IT IS!"

And thus _Retard_ found himself stranded in the middle of a crowded bazaar, drowning in revolted glances from passerby. People shuddered, someone vomited, and he could feel insult after insult bubbling up in their minds like a corner of Hell itself was leaping through cracks in the earth. So many cold, angry stares—it was a nightmare.

Then he started to whale wail and their revulsion turned to cruel, mocking laughter.

Back in the courtroom, Brittany was laying tiredly amongst the cats and Sammie. It had been a long day. "Last on the docket, Ciel and Sebastian, but you guys can stay over there 'cause you look so damn cute."

A half-hearted, "Thanks."

"Laura wanted someone to pay for the fact that the murder mystery arc in the manga has been going on for _far too long_. I figured since the entire thing is Ciel's fault and Sebby's the one being all secretive about everything, you two will be paying the price."

"Why did I let my lawyer leave?" Ciel moaned tiredly.

"Don't worry. I'm entirely out of ideas, so I'm just going to test my new gun on your faces."

"What?"

Sebastian merely frowned. "I dislike getting shot in the face, but if I must..."

Brittany approached them and held up a mid-sized blue and red gun. "Relax. It's a marshmellow gun." She drilled them each in the face with a dozen of the fluffy, cylindrical sweets. "The next arc better be interesting," she mumbled, then returned to her couch to have a nap. She flopped down on it and smiled. "I think the sofa was a good idea. It's a commonly known fact that the sofa-to-happiness ratio is a whopping 1:12, unlike the less than impressive toaster-to-happiness ratio, which is something like 1:3.6, or the construction-paper-to-happiness ratio, which is only 1:4. Oh!" She bolted upright. "That reminds me! The Halloween party!"

She addressed the reviewers once more. "As Alois mentioned, we will be celebrating both his birthday and Halloween, so even if you don't do Halloween you're more than welcome to come. To invite yourself, just review and tell us your costume and what you imagine you'd be doing at a soiree of this sort (stalking one of your favourite characters, spiking the punch, etc.) and you'll be included in the oneshot I'll be posting on the 31st."

"I hope to see you all there!" Alois said with a dazzling smile.

"Thank you everyone for reading and reviewing, and I wish you all a fantastic week!"

* * *

**I wanted to name **_**all**_** the psychologists after the giants from **_**The BFG**_**, but I couldn't find my copy of it D:**

**This place gets less like a courtroom every day. Now we've got it decked out like an IKEA catalogue and there are animals everywhere... I imagine there's probably one wall lined with all different doors and mirrors, and against the tables all the chairs are different, and the hallways probably consist of mazes and weird staircases like the Winchester house. This place just gets curiouser and curiouser.**

**Now review! You wouldn't want to miss out on a fictional party, would you?**


	13. Ch 10 and a half The Halloween Bash pt 1

**I'm so cussing sorry this is late! I promised Oct. 31 and now it's November DDDD: I was in the emergency room all night but I should've had it finished long before then anyway... Please forgive me!**

**Okay regular A/N now:**

**I want you to know that I deeply appreciate all the love my fic and I have been getting and that I sincerely hope you feel it back!1!**

**So here we have it, the Halloween Party/Alois' Birthday Bash Extravaganza-inator/a tribute to a bunch of beautifully absurd people. I hope you all had a great time at the party you attended but don't remember for some peculiar reason so you all have to read about it here. **

**There are a hell of a lot more of you guys than I originally anticipated (actually I just realized there are exactly **_**THIRTEEN **_**people who invited themselves oooh isn't that just downright spooky), but I did my best to get everyone into the party and make sure they had a decent time. Understandably, earlier reviewers might've gotten more lines and junk, but I tried to keep it pretty even.**

**Contains serious AloisxCiel smut of the citrus variety because **_**someone **_**had to go and bring aphrodisiacs (cough Zeni cough). Ah well, I'm not complaining. **

**If you **_**are**_** complaining feel free to skip over it.**

**The usual disclaimer still stands P:**

**P.S. I assumed you were all girls. If the case is otherwise, you should've specified because you are by far a minority. A really special, unusual minority.**

**P.P.S. Please don't hate me if you come across as OOC. I tried.**

**P.P.P.S. Sorry it's so long D: Enjoy it anyway :)**

**SUBMITTED IN TWO PARTS 'CAUSE IT'S GINORMOUS! Part 1:**

* * *

8:32pm

"Why is Alice in Wonderland jumping out at people in the bloody loo?" This was Alois speaking. Or shouting, rather, to be heard over the blaring music and chattering, squealing fangirls, and a group of people yelling, "Car_los_!" and then laughing.

"You expect me to know?" Ciel adjusted his headpiece—a gold band with a single red stone (Alois: 'It's a _tiara!_' Ciel: 'It's _not a tiara_!')—which had been knocked out of place by the last glomp he'd received. He was dressed as Prince Marth—the pretty boy from _Fire Emblem_ who was better known for his involvement in _SSBM_ or _SSBB_—and the resemblance was actually quick shocking. His heavy, regal cape and tunic were tailored to a T, his breastplate, boots and fake sword were equally identical to those of the Prince, but in actuality, it was the way he carried himself that made the costume so believable. If you didn't know any better you'd have thought he was a prince of more than just toys and incompetent servants.

In keeping with the theme, Alois was currently outfitted as the famous elfin boy from _The Legend of Zelda_. He had a long green cap and a short green tunic, and his tights were a little snugger than entirely necessary, but this was Alois, for crying out loud. We should all be impressed he was wearing tights at all. Sheathed across his back were a flashy sword and a bow. "This is your manor, isn't it? You're supposed to know everything that's going on."

"I'm just a person!" Ciel argued.

"Well, while you're being just a person—" His sentence dropped off and fell to little pieces on the floor.

"What?" Ciel asked, not amused. Then, more concerned. "What?"

Alois' next sentence was barely audible. "She's right behind you..."

Before he could reconsider, Ciel turned on his heel to face a slightly-out-of-it looking girl with a big blue bow in her hair. Alice, apparently. She blinked unevenly at him, laughed, smacked him lightly in the face, and handed him a small box with a bow. "It's a GIFT!" she said excitedly. There was a tag reading 'From: xMaddie. To:' and then an incomprehensible scribble.

"Uhhh..." He was hesitant to open to. However, he barely had three seconds to worry about social protocol before Alice/xMaddie had frolicked off to the refreshments table to stuff herself with sweets and snort various substances.

"Gimme!" Alois/Link said and snatched up the box. "It's! ... A paper clip."

Ciel/Marth took the paper clip. "Shaped like an airplane," he added. "These people make the judge seem almost... normal."

Just then, Ciel/Marth was hit by a bus.

"Beep beep!" the bus said. "Oh my god, your costume's so cute!"

Ciel blinked at her.

"What the fuck are you supposed to be?" Alois/Link inquired.

"The FUCKING SEXY MAGIC SCHOOL BUS! Check it," she pointed to her tummy, "Mrs. Frizz. And here's Carlos!"

Ciel got out his sword and pretended to stab himself.

8:45pm

Elmo was on the hunt for a certain demonic doll with an inexplicable vendetta against Ciel. The furry red creature had advised Ciel to wear a less conspicuous costume for his own protection, but Alois had stepped in and defended his choice on the grounds that Marth's tights would be hella sexy on the boy. And now Elmo feared for his safety.

Especially considering Elmo/Brittany had hired the lawyer/BTW-ibite who disputed the demonic doll/linky-link/zombie-unicorn's charge. The latter was probably less than pleased.

And linky-link/zombie-unicorn's description of Halloween back where she was from (little kids with pumpkins asking for money in exchange for not kicking people in the balls) was also unsettling.

Out of the corner of her eye she spotted a cackling blur of blacks and greys making a beeline across the dance floor. There she was, the vicious little bugger!

Which is of course meant in the nicest way possible.

"I have to save Ciel's balls," Elmo muttered.

8:57pm

Ciel was on the hunt for a little normalcy amongst all this absurdity and chaos. Fangirls were, without a doubt, the strangest people he'd ever spent a prolonged amount of time with.

Except for one particular fan of his, who was the target of his searching and happened to be his fiancée. Not that she wasn't a tad out there, but he'd be grateful to get a hug from Lizzie than from another random teenager any day.

Finally he tracked her down. She was dressed in a blue ball gown and with a wide, black headband in her yellow hair, but it was after he spotted Paula dressed like one of the mice that Ciel pegged her as Cinderella. He tapped Elizabeth on the shoulder and braced himself for impact.

"Ciel!" She flung her skinny arms around his neck, knocking his headpiece off kilter again. "Your costume is sooooo cute!" She leaned back to look at him. "You're a _prince_! How perfect; we match!"

"We do, don't we..."

She reached up to adjust his headpiece. "I love your crown."

_Finally! It's not a flippin' tiara!_ "Thank you," he said, and even managed a smile. Hell, he even went so far as to give Lizzie a kiss on the cheek, but to be honest, a part of him wanted the fangirls to see and quit asking him about his sex life with Alois.

She blushed and grabbed his hand. "Shall we dance?"

"Of course. It would be an honour."

9:06pm

Misery's Prescription was enjoying herself quite a bit. Her costume was a well-executed replication of Lightning, the feisty female character from _Final Fantasy XIII_—soldier's uniform, red cape, short skirt, high boots, half-fingered royal blue gloves, and hair the colour of pale cotton candy—and it was with the sword that accompanied said costume that she was amusing herself. She was lobbing it through the air, cutting beautiful, clean arcs through the smoke, like a trigger-happy child but with a blade instead of a firearm.

Is there a word for that? Hilt-happy? There, I just salooked* one.

But as fun as drawing lines in the dry ice was, it would be really great to cut something. And right on cue, a red-haired figure strutted into view, swishing about what must've been ten feet of fake hair.

"Grell!" Misery's Prescription shouted, sprinting over. "You look like you're in dire need of a haircut! Whaddya say?"

"Excuse me," the currently cross-dressing shinigami snorted, "but this glorious wig is a key part of my costume. I am Rapunzel, you see."

"Don't care." MP swung her sword, grinning as it sliced cleanly through all that red hair—like the streamers they use in plays in place of blood. This was pretty damn cool.

Grell/Rapunzel clapped his hands to his cheeks and did a little panic-dance with quick, alternating foot stomps. "Eek! My beautiful hair! Now how will Sebas-chan climb the tower to rescue me?"

"Dunno. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be retiring to that corner over there to enjoy a quiet snack of Snape biscuits." Whatever the dickens those are. Seriously, Google didn't know. Are they really greasy or something? Are they in love with a hot redhead who's totally out of their league? I'm confused.

9:15pm

Zeni S. Master, the only witch at the party with a working broom, landed before what looked like a stomach that'd been vomited up by another stomach, except greyer. "I'm sorry, but what _are _you?" she asked it.

The Undertaker smiled from the depths of his gelatinous costume. "I am a blob fish." Then he started laughing the sort of laugh that skulls would probably make.

Zeni didn't know what to say to that.

"You are a witch, yes?"

"I am!" she said proudly. "My broom flies and everything. Harry Potter's been hounding me for it all night."

Somewhere nearby, they could hear a panicked voice searching the crowd. "Has anyone seen Ciel? Excuse me, have you seen Ciel? Yeah, you can hug me. Oh, Alois!" The owner of the voice—someone in an Elmo costume—removed herself from the arms of a bumble bee and headed towards the blonde.

"Yes?"

"Have you seen Ciel?"

Alois pondered this, twiddling with the tip of his hat. "Not since Alice in Wonderland gave him a present."

"Alice in Wonderland, Alice in Wonderland..." Elmo/Brittany prodded her forehead with a furry, mitten-like hand. "Isn't that the psycho one? What did she give him?"

Alois shrugged, already bored. "A paperclip or something."

"Oh, phew. That's probably safe." She then noticed the girl in the witch's costume. "Ah, Zeni! Awesome to see you!" She shook her hand and smiled. "I dig the socks. Have—" The she finally saw the Undertaker, who was sniggering at something or other. "What are you doing here dressed like a stomach?"

"I am a blob fish. And this is a Halloween party, is it not?" As per usual, he was grinning his I-know-something-you-don't-know grin. "I love Halloween. And these girls tell wonderful, top-notch jokes."

"I see... It's just that—"

"Did you know there are twelve thousand, nine hundred eighty-three things in this room an expert could use to kill someone, including the room itself?"

Zeni looked at him in confusion. "Don't you mean a ninja?"

"But I am not a ninja," he said as if she'd just suggested that gravity was controlled by a piss centrifuge in the middle of the earth run by gnomes and managed by Tinkerbell. "Also, ninjas are females. Samurai are the men."

No one knew what to say to that.

"Alois! I'm glad you're here," Zeni said, and held up a small vial. Pink liquid sloshed portentously against the glass. "I require your assistance with something..."

9:18pm

Claude finally tracked down his master, leaving a ripple of hysterical girls in his wake. They were clutching their sides with the kind of silent mime-laughter that happens when there are too many laughs to get out in an orderly fashion and they all get bottlenecked at the throat. Some of them actually managed to spew out their loud, mocking sounds, and they grated on his ears almost as much as his powder blue unitard grated on his man-parts. A pair of large blue fairy wings sprouted from his back. He'd considered somehow stabbing himself with them several times already.

"There you are, Navi!" Alois/Link exclaimed. "What the fuck kept you!"

"Hey. Listen," Claude muttered, as he'd been instructed to.

Alois/Link glared at him. "It's a little late for that _now_. I'm going to change costumes."

Finally, some good news. "So I can change as well?"

Alois blinked, then burst out laughing. His sadistic, girlish giggles were almost harder on the ears than those of the fangirls. "Of course not! You look just _dashing!_ Come on," Alois punched him in the arm, "show off that sexy figure! I bet Sebby'll appreciate it."

"I highly doubt it, Master."

Claude had never wanted to be able to express anger more.

9:24pm

After finally spotting Ciel amongst his fiancée and butler (who was dressed as a squire), and therefore also Laura (aka the Raven from Edgar Allen Poe's creepy tale) and Pluto (a cat), because they were discretely and not-so-discretely following him, Brittany had popped by the refreshments table for a slice of the giant and rather impressive Halloween-themed cake someone was nice enough to drop off. As she was chewing her way through it, she noticed a tiny card.

_From zombie-unicorn/linky-link._

"Oh yeah, I think she mentioned this in her review."

Then her face paled when she remembered the 'P.P.P.S.' concerning the fact that one slice in the whole cake may be poisoned. "Ah well, it's just one slice. Eheh, it would be funny if the poison was cyanide, because—" Then she fell over.

"What was that?"

"WHO WANTS TO SEE ME BUNGEE JUMP OFF THE ROOF?" someone hollered.

9:29pm

The blaring music took a pause to allow for the mediocre musical stylings of one Telracs1994, aka Harry Potter. As she played, several of the guests were quick to begin speaking like they were all in a black-and-white 1940's film. Soma and Agni—who were suited up with fedoras and sunglasses like the Blues Brothers—began air-trumpeting and attempting to dance like the original duo from the 1980s film. They somewhat succeeded.

This went on for a song or two, and a good deal of class was brought to the party before a really ugly not-really-Rapunzel-anymore leapt onto the piano and began to sing.

The melody and the "Here's lookin' at you, kid"s cut off almost immediately.

"Oh, _Sebas-chaaaaan_!" Rapunzel/Grell called out. "I know you're here; I asked the one called Laura! She assured me that you've been searching for me all night and that you'll find me when the time comes, but you haven't—"

"Get out!" Laura yelled, and went after him with Alois' bow and arrows, her feathered black wings flapping and stilettos clicking. "You're not wanted here!"

"Hey!" Grell cried, dodging a particularly well-aimed shot. "I thought we were buddies! Remember our date?"

"I'd rather not." _TWANG!_ The glasses were knocked off Grell's face.

"My glasses! My glasses! Where are my glasses?" He began pawing blindly at the ground.

The fangirls' laughably fickle attention drifted elsewhere and the dance music started up again. Laura was first to waltz under the lights and resume tearing up the dance floor.

"Well," mused Telracs1994/Harry Potter, "I suppose now that that's done, I have some... investigative work to take care of." She gathered her scribbler and quill and disappeared into the shadows.

9:48pm

"Excuse me?"

Ciel turned, expecting to come face-to-face with another rabid shota fangirl, but was instead met with a pretty, doll-like visage framed by the curls of a gold wig and half-cast in shadow. A girl, her delicate frame draped in a pink dress and white gloves, with a little crown resting in her curls. Princess Peach. "Yes?"

"Ciel Phantomhive..." She smiled sweetly, as if the mere action of saying his name was satisfying enough for the night. "I've been looking for you."

He raised an eyebrow. They were all looking for him, it seemed, so they could glomp him as a story to tell their friends. "Is that so?"

She nodded and made a cute little _mm-hm_ noise. "This is a wonderful party, but I've wanted nothing more than to talk to the Earl all this time," she said, then giggled at the reference to Ciel's cross-dressing escapade. "Sorry," she laughed. "I couldn't resist."

"No worries." _Classy enough_. He decided he liked her. She was certainly a great deal more bearable than Alois, that was for sure.

"Care for a drink?" she asked, and without waiting for an answer, she swiped two glasses from the nearest fangirl.

"Hey!" the girl cried. A witch in stripy socks.

"Bugger off!" Peach said, swatting her away. "What're you going to do, cast a spell on me?"

The witch narrowed her eyes and flew off on her broom.

Peach handed Ciel his drink. "Cheers," she declared and they clinked cups. Ciel had been avoiding the drinks all evening for fear of someone having spiked them, but if the girls were drinking them and they were fine...

What the hell, it was a bloody party.

He downed his cup in one go.

9:50pm

"Wake up, you knob, or I'll smack you upside the head!" This was Laura/the Raven shouting.

"My dog's breath smells like balloons," Brittany/Elmo said groggily.

"Rockin'! It actually worked!" someone else said.

Brittany sat up and saw Harry Potter high-fiving the Magic School Bus and Zeni the witch, with Audacity-cupcakE sitting by as best as she could in her voluminous Gaga-esque hoop dress. "We saved you with the power of magic," Harry Potter/Telracs1994 explained.

"And science! DON'T FORGET THE FUCKING SEXY SCIENCE!" the Magic School Bus/Lindsay added.

"Aw, thanks, guys," Brittany slurred.

"Actually," Zeni interjected, "we needed someone to finish writing the chapter, because Alois just slipped Ciel a powerful aphrodisiac in his drink and we wanna know what happens."

"Oh. That's cool too."

"I can't wait," Audacity-cupcakE said, and rubbed her hands together mischievously.

9:55pm

"_Shot through the heart!"_

_"And you're to blame."_

_"Darlin', you give love—"_

_"A BAD NAME!"_

The fangirls all cheered as Phineas, Ferb, and Perry the Platypus tore their way through what was possibly one of the greatest songs of all time. What party would be complete without karaoke?

Phineas/Canterburt rocked the verses, Ferb/Timber killed the pre-choruses, and Perry/Thompson joined in for each amazing chorus. The girls supplied the "bad name"s.

_Whoa! You're a loaded gun_

_Whoa! There's nowhere to run_

_No one can save me_

_The damage is done_

_Shot through the heart and you're to blame!_

_You give love a bad name!_

_(Bad name)_

_I play my part and you play your game,_

_You give love a bad name!_

_(Bad name)_

_Hey, you give love a bad name._

It was fricken' epic.

When it was done Elmo indulged in a moment of fangirlism and glomped Perry/Thompson. "I was totally gonna write an _Amazing Race_ AU fic until I realized I know dick-all about the world, but while I was making the teams I thought you and I would be awesome together! We were gonna be Team Righty-fringe! See?" She pointed to her own bangs, which did indeed flop to the right.

"Sweet."

"Really?" Her eyes were practically sparkling.

"Yeah, little furry dude." He turned to his brothers and mouthed '_Who is this?'_ They shrugged.

10:02pm

Ciel was starting to feel really funny. Maybe there'd been something in that drink after all...

His eye scanned the dark, dizzying, over-decorated room—the cobwebs and torn black draperies, false cadavers in various states of decay and their accompanying limbs hanging through the railings, hordes of spiders and ebony candles and a light layer of smoke that his lungs less than agreed with—searching for a spot of pink and gold amongst all the other bright colours.

Before he could get through half the crowd, one of the witches came up to him and stepped directly in his path. "Hello, Earl Phantomhive. Happy Halloween." she said. Her dress was low-cut and high-hemmed, displaying a good deal of flesh to him. He might've blushed, but he had a feeling his cheeks were already pink from whatever had been in his punch. Hell, he felt like he was blushing from his crown to his boots.

"You too," he mumbled distractedly.

"T.k-stars," she introduced herself and held out a hand. He didn't notice it. "I like your costume."

"Thanks." Remembering his manners, he glanced back at her scant outfit. "Yours is nice too."

"Really? You don't think it's too little?" She propped a leg up on the bench beside him, brushing his forearm against it.

That felt worrisomely good. _What's wrong with me!_ "Not at all."

She frowned and removed her leg. This certainly wasn't the reaction she'd been going for. He was barely fazed! She wanted to make him freak out and squirm—you know, some classically hilarious Ciel-meets-half-naked-female awkwardness—not make idle chitchat!

Someone dressed like Harry Potter, scribbling away in a notebook with a feather quill passed by and tapped her on the shoulder. "Save your breath," she said. "He's been drugged."

"Oh." T.k-stars pondered this for a moment, then decided to go and force the triplets to her house with the use of various chasing techniques.

Ciel carried on with his search, now somewhat uncertain of who exactly he was looking for. He wanted someone to explain what had been done to him, but the encounter with t.k-stars had provided a vague idea. He barely had any time to mull over it before he was approached again, this time by a girl dressed as a gayer, more sparkly version of Alois.

"Hey, sexy," she said. "Care to dance?"

"Not really. Have you seen—"

She made herself comfy on a nearby table, which put her exposed thighs closer to Ciel's face. "That's fine. I'm Emerald Line." She patted his head and laughed. "Oh! That rhymed!"

_I swear, everyone here is mad._ "Great. Listen, I have to—"

"Okay. I was going to go look for Grell anyway." She tapped her lips thoughtfully. "Or maybe Alois..."

_Alois..._ Ciel took off again, praying not to get sidetracked by yet another fangirl dead-set on creeping him out. After a few more minutes of his inefficient searching he spotted a golden-haired figure in a pink dress and made a beeline for it.

"Hey! Peach!" he called. "What was—oh."

"Yeah? Oh, hey, Ciel!" Audacity-cupcakE, in her shimmery dress and yellow wig smiled. "What's up?"

"You're not Peach..."

"I'm Lady Gaga, like from the VMAs but not the meat dress. You can't tell, can you?"

"No, I totally got that," he murmured half-heartedly. "Have you seen a girl—no, uh, have you seen Alois?" _Yes_, his gut was telling him, _find Alois! He'll fix you up nice and good. He'll make the weird feelings stop._

"No, but I'd be happy to help you look! I've been looking for him myself anyway, but the little bugger keeps changing costumes, which makes him really tough to find..." She held out an arm for him. "Shall we?"

Ciel linked his arm in hers and suppressed a shiver at being touched by someone else's skin again. Whatever he was on, it was bloody strong.

* * *

**[EDIT] Oh my cod, I just realized Emerald Line's name got deleted out! I'm so so sorry! Fuck this stupid website, why must it keep cutting out stuff that's supposed to be there? Grrrr...**

***Salooked [sah-luked] **_**v**_**: a word my pimp/business associate (of Feline and Fin's Party Planning/Philosophy Enterprise) made up, which is the action of making up words that are often silly.**

**Ex:**

_**Dude, I completely obploffed that physics class with my cutting wit.**_

_**Really, man? Salooking again?**_


	14. Ch 10 and a half The Halloween Bash pt 2

**Part 2:**

10:22pm

_Where is he where is he WHERE IS HE?_

Ciel rubbed his dazed head and took another look around the whirlwind of colours and smoke and sounds. He spun eagerly around when someone tapped on his shoulder, Audacity-cupcakE spun with him, and his hopes of finally seeing the psychotic mug of their pursuit were dashed when he found yet another girl in a weird costume.

"You have lines to write!" she yelled, and tried to grab him by the neck and give him a noogie.

"Jeepers!" He was alert enough to duck out of the way, but his crown was once again knocked from his hair.

"Why did you hire a lawyer for _my_ charge? No other charge was fought with lawyers and cookies!" The girl, wearing some sort of torn black pinafore and striped long-sleeved shirt and tights—like a killer, undead Raggedy Anne—grabbed Ciel by the cape and shook him. "You didn't watch enough shitty television! It's not fair!"

So _this_ was linky-link or zombie-unicorn or whatever. "Stop shaking me this instant! I didn't even _hire_ the lawyer! The judge did!"

"I don't care! You need to _suffer_, Ciel!"

"Why?"

"I'm not sure!"

Just then, zombie-unicorn was hit by a bus.

"Beep beep!" said Lindsay. "Ciel! I have a present for you!"

And then, like a glorious gift from the smut gods, Alois appeared behind her in yet another of his costumes. Curling black marks licked at his neck and wrists from under the collar and cuffs of a black leather jacket, and his tight jeans were tucked into matching boots. His hair was artfully mussed, and he was twiddling what looked like a long silver pencil between his fingers. Jace Lightwood, the sexy demon hunter from _The Mortal Instruments._

"Alois!" said Audacity-cupcakE. He grinned at her and gave her double thumbs up for her costume, then shifted his focus to Ciel's disoriented state.

"Alois..." Ciel murmured.

"Hello, Ciel. How are you feeling?"

"Weird."

"Let me at him!" zombie-unicorn demanded, but at Alois' whistle, Sebastian came squire-ing along to usher her away from his master. "No! He didn't suffer enough!" Sebastian blew his trumpet in her ear and she tried to shin-kick him. "You'd better stay on your toes, Ciel, because I _promise_ you I will charge you again for some nonsensical thing! And if you bring back your lawyer, I'll come in and fight her!"

Ciel ignored her and grabbed Alois' hand. "I was looking for you."

"You're not acknowledging my gift," Lindsay complained, and raised something floppy and red to Ciel's eye level.

"I thought Alois was the gift..."

"Aw," Alois said.

"No, he's here to help me get you into the gift. See?" She shook out the red thing with a flourish. "It's a Po costume!"

"Oh my god, it's wonderful," Audacity-cupcakE commented with a laugh.

Unsure of what a 'Po' was, Ciel glanced away from Alois' nice hair to find out. Lindsay was holding what looked like fuzzy red footie pajamas, with a silver rectangle on the stomach and a peculiar antenna-type thing on the head. It didn't really answer his question. "What's Po?"

"A Teletubby."

"What's a Tele—"

"Just put the damn thing on! It'll be cute!"

Ciel didn't hear her, however, as he was now not-so-sneakily slipping his hands around Alois' waist. "You look fucking hot in leather..." he murmured under his breath.

"I look better out of it," Alois assured him with a smirk. "Perhaps that's something you'd like to see?"

"Yes."

Alois stepped abruptly back from the smaller boy. "Then I suggest you consider changing costumes, because you won't get any love from me unless you're dressed like a creepy red custard-eating thing."

Well, that was a no-brainer. "Okay."

10:33pm

Mrs. Lovette was dishing out piping hot meat pies, humming the accompanying song as she did so. She'd acquired the secret ingredient necessary to make the pies as legitimate as those on Fleet Street from the judge, and the girls licking sauce from their lips and sucking flakes of pastry off their fingers seemed more than satisfied with it.

"It's so tender," one of them remarked. "Is it chicken?"

Obviously she hadn't seen _Sweeney Todd_. "Sure."

"There's a piece of candy corn in mine," another remarked.

"Oops, sorry about that."

Suddenly a girl dressed like a doll of some sort appeared at the table. "Candy corn?" she inquired.

"Yeah," Mrs. Lovette/BTW-ibite answered. "By accident."

"Like, the stuff from a certain lawyer's candy corn cow patty cookies?"

"_Chocolate_ candy corn cow patty cookies," BTW-ibite corrected.

"IT _IS_ YOU!" the doll cried, and looked about to smack the living crap out of the defense attorney.

"It is?" she asked frantically. "What did I do?"

"You messed with my sentence!" Linky-link/zombie-unicorn lowered her hand. "But you know, we're all adults here, sort of. We can settle this the mature way, in court." She pointed ominously at the lawyer. "I don't know when, nor do I know how, but we'll probably meet again and I may or may not injure a lot of people that day. Watch out."

"Okay," BTW-ibite agreed, confident in her semi-legitimate degree. Perhaps she'd search the party for someone else with experience in a court setting...

Though to be honest, she was more likely to find convicts here than genuinely certified legal personnel. Like Drocell! There he was now, creeping on young fangirls!

10:34pm

"If it isn't my favourite host, Anna B-nana!" Alois gave the girl a hug. "How the hell've you been?"

"Good, thank you." Her costume was simple but well-executed; black trench, hunter green top and loose-fitting kapris over brown boots. The braid down her back, the bow over her shoulder and the gold mockingjay pin on her coat—trademarks of one Katniss Everdeen of the _Hunger Games_—were what made it evident who she was. "Your favourite, eh?"

"Well," Alois began, casually glancing at his nails, "the judge is just a shitty judge and a real farce of a host, and that girl on _The Interview_ keeps allowing her reviewers to feed Ciel sweets in exchange for silly requests. He's going to get fat."

"I see..." She was flattered, to say the least. "Where is Ciel?"

His slight frown at the prospect of Ciel getting tubby blew up into a huge grin. "You'll see. You're going to _love_ this," he assured her.

As he said this, the first of a disjointed chorus of 'aww's were heard from the far side of the ballroom. A red, gingerbread man-shaped figure with Ciel's face was struggling to make it through a sea of fangirls committing personal-space-bubble-popping of the third degree, dropping curses all over the place as he went. "Alois? Alois, where are you, you dumb fuck!"

"Well, I never," Alois said, though he was laughing.

Ciel struggled to push off a girl his age with his mitten-like hands. Lindsay butted her out of the way with the power of science (beep beep), all the while complimenting Ciel on how CUUUTE he looked.

"Alois, if you don't want to fuck me, I'll call Sebastian and have him do it!"

Alois glanced back at Anna B-nana. "Duty calls," he remarked with a smile. "I'll see you later."

Moments after, he popped up behind Ciel and wrapped his arms around the costumed boy's waist. He leaned in and replied wryly to Ciel's earlier threat, "I don't think you mean that."

Ciel twisted around in Alois' embrace, grabbed him roughly by the collar and kissed him hard on the lips, ignoring Alois' taunting when he told him, "You're coming with me."

"I can't take you seriously when you're in that costume."

"Then by all means, get me out of it."

"You won't slap me and call me a rapist?"

"Why would I do that?"

Awesome. "No reason."

Not bothering with a response, Ciel removed himself from Alois' arms and commenced piloting him to his bedroom. The sound of the blonde high-fiving the gathered fangirls saw them out.

Hallway, stairs, hallway, doors.

Bedroom.

Alois was unceremoniously shoved into the room and told to wait on the bed. He smirked and took his seat against the back wall. "Not much of a sweet-talker, are you, Ciel?"

"What would be the point," Ciel muttered, tossing off the head of his costume, "when I'm wearing this asinine outfit?" His dark hair was sticking up all over the place.

It took a minute to get the whole thing off and in the (currently unlit) fireplace, but at last it was done and Ciel was crouched over Alois in just his tunic, kissing him hard and deep and pinning him against the pillows. His heart beat excitedly as he gradually chipped away at the strongest craving he'd ever felt.

Alois, on the other hand, found it adorable how easily Ciel had been swayed by a little chemical imbalance. And also how he thought he belonged on top of him. But Alois had to admit, it _was_ a more convenient setup should he desire to run his hands along the boy's silken skin, and there was rarely a day when he didn't desire such things. Especially now, with Ciel disheveled and flushed and nearly glowing with his high. Sometimes he was simply _too cute_.

"Do you love me, Ciel?" Alois tried, testing out any lie-inhibiting effects of the drug. He was watching Ciel fumble with his jacket.

"I'm not sure," the smaller boy answered, giving up and removing his tunic instead, leaving himself without a stitch of clothing.

Alois excused him the trouble and shucked his own coat and t-shirt, kicking off his boots and pulling Ciel in to rest against the curve of his body. A sigh of contentment brushed Alois' lips, and they kissed again, slow and sweet but hungry all the same. However, it wasn't enough anymore, Ciel found. Maybe on another day, but tonight something greedier was coursing through his veins, and what it wanted was significantly dirtier and sweatier and louder.

On impulse, Ciel ducked down and proceeded to drag his tongue up Alois' midriff, tasting salt and lust. The blonde half-moaned in pleasure, half-laughed in surprise, and was taken more off guard by Ciel's next hushed words.

He rolled onto his back, taking Alois with him so that it was now the blonde who held himself over Ciel, and tucked them under the covers. "Fuck me, Alois."

"_Really?_" His _can-it-be?_ tone was almost comically childlike.

Ciel had begun planting little kisses along Alois' neck. "Mmm... Mm-hm."

Well, that certainly wasn't something he thought he'd hear from Ciel anytime soon. The suddenness of it made him hesitate—something wasn't sitting well with the heart that _wasn't_ located in his dick. He looked at the tiny, defenseless boy with widespread legs beneath him, and was reminded of himself and of the abhorrent pedophile he'd punished for acts not unlike this less than two weeks ago and who was now baked into Mrs. Lovette's meat pies, and thought maybe this wasn't the best time to be shoving—

"Please?" Ciel begged, drawing back and letting those adorable lips ripe with kisses fall into a pout.

_So we meet again, magic word. _

_..._

Oh, what the fuck, it was his birthday. He'd earned this simply by being Alois.

"Whatever my little prince wishes," he said in answer, brushing the messy hair from Ciel's eyes. "Now pay close attention to what I do," he smiled coyly as he lowered a hand between Ciel's thighs, "and maybe the next time you feel like raping someone, you'll actually manage to pull it off."

10:56pm

Brittany was looking for the can, but this house was so bloody big that she had gotten lost. Finally, she found a handful of the other guests camped outside one of the doors with their ears pressed against the wood. Upon nearing them, she could hear muffled speech and then a moan through the door. Alois and Ciel.

"_Did that hurt, sweetheart?"_

The fangirls 'awww'ed quietly.

Ciel murmured something unintelligible. It sounded condescending.

Brittany searched for a seat amongst the girls, who were too engrossed in their perving to pay her any notice. She sat down between the Harry Potter girl/investigator of Ciel's 'secret gayness' and someone in an outlandish Black-Rock-Shooter-esque costume with a lot of black and accessories and a pair of angelic grey wings. "Well, that just shot my plans to make out with Alois down the crapper," the latter muttered.

"Shush, KaZe," someone else whispered.

"It's KaZeKaeRu1307," the first girl corrected.

"Too long."

"That's what she said," said a third voice.

"That's what Ciel said," said a fourth.

Brittany glanced over and saw Zeni S. Master, Audacity-cupcakE and a few more girls, one of whose noses was actually bleeding. "You realize that doesn't actually happen in real life," Brittany pointed out.

"I doh. Alice ihd Wuhderlahd puhched me ihd duh face and thehd gave me a box with uhd Oreo in it."

"You don't say."

Second voice spoke up: "Shut up, we can't hear them."

The nearly inaudible whispers and sighs they'd been stealing through the door had escalated to loud moans and then to muffled cries—some of pain, some blatantly otherwise—and two of the girls clapped their hands over their mouths to silence their giggles.

"Isn't this an invasion of privacy?" Brittany whispered. "Don't you guys have anything better to do?"

The girl who kept shushing everyone shot her a glare. "It's only thanks to your laziness and moral whatchacallits against little boys having sex that we're stuck out here in the first place, instead of reading some graphic firsthand account."

Brittany gave her the I-don't-think-I-like-your-tone look, but produced a scribbler from somewhere about her person and began to write. "You want in? Fine. You're all in." She sighed to herself. "This is going to be so awkward... I'm so sorry, Elmo, for besmirching your innocent name with this act of fanservice."

In the bedroom:

"Hold it," Alois ordered breathily.

"I_ can't_." What a stupid thing to suggest! Even in this state, Ciel was quite certain that _holding it_ was an unreasonable thing to demand of a thirteen year-old. If he could damn well hold it he wouldn't have woken from feverish dreams four times that week with sticky sheets.

And it certainly didn't help that his body was being rocked like a fucking boat from the inside out, nor that his piece was rubbing up against Alois' stomach with every thrust or the fact that they were both panting and sweating and some of the sweat was in his eyes he thought, and all he could breathe in was Alois Alois _Alois_, and he was hopped up on some fucking date rape drug, for crying out loud, and every touch felt like ten and his heart just wouldn't quit, his fists would grip the sheets then blonde hair then flesh and he kind of hoped he was hurting him as much as he'd been hurting, not that it really hurt now, it was just indescribably _good_, and even when there _had_ been pain he'd found that he kind of liked it, the little masochist, and his skin was on fire and his blood was on fire and it was building building building and now he was being told to fucking _hold all that in_.

"I'm not done yet," Alois explained between puffs of hot air. His tone was composed enough, but his bright cheeks and damp skin and progressively more erratic movements said otherwise. "Just. Hold it."

"_Why?_" Obviously the first excuse wasn't good enough.

Alois grinned devilishly as he slammed his hips against the smaller boy. "I like watching you squirm."

Ciel gasped for air and tried to concentrate and cried out again and shut his eyes and moaned as his throat was ravished with impatient kisses and tried to concentrate and—

"You disappoint me, Ciel."

Just a whisper in his ear. Just the sound of his own heart and still the rocking, and finally Alois let out a groan, raw and deep, and he was done too.

For a moment they just lay there, breathing in the sex smells and silence, tired but blissfully so. Alois pressed their mouths together once more, not to taste Ciel's cries or make him struggle for oxygen, simply to kiss him. The smaller boy, though slightly ticked off, was nearly humming with pleasure.

Eventually Alois parted and collapsed to the bed beside Ciel. With a sleepy grin like 'watch this,' he set about—

In the hall:

"Really? That's the best you're going to give us?"

"Can it, perv," Brittany mumbled tiredly. "I'm not good at these. The language makes me laugh too much."

In the bedroom:

Once licked clean, Ciel turned onto his side and sighed contentedly as Alois curled up against his back. He could smell the boyish sweat on the blonde's skin and the soapy vanilla scent of his hair. He wanted to somehow hang on to them, so he breathed them in deep to bury them in his bones.

"Do you forgive me?" Alois murmured, placing lingering kisses beneath Ciel's ear.

Ciel possessively clung to the arm draped over his side. "If I say no, will you leave?"

Alois thought this over. "Probably not, though I do have to go eventually. I have a birthday cake to deliver."

"Well, don't leave me yet."

The usual wry, but somehow melancholy grin. "I wouldn't dream of it."

Midnight

Claude and Sebastian stood together in the center of the ballroom and faced the guests. Sebastian did his spiel on his hopes that the hospitality was adequate, after which Claude announced the arrival of the birthday cake. He was still dressed as Navi, so no one heard him over their own laughter.

The Phantomhive Servantrio carted the behemoth of a cake into the room and were greeted by deafening cheers and squeals and whistles. As this was going on, Ciel stumbled unnoticed through one of the doors in just his nightclothes and sought out a familiar face. He gravitated towards Brittany because she was something fuzzy to hang on to.

"'Sup, squirt," she greeted him. "I dig the bed head."

"Hm."

"So without further adieu, let us all wish Earl Alois Trancy a wonderful birthday!" Sebastian exclaimed, because Claude was incapable of producing such an amount of enthusiasm.

Sebastian blew his trumpet and the guests cheered again. Alois burst from the top if the cake, doing a little dance in his final costume of the night—short shorts, a yellow top and suspenders, and with his hair tied into a perky ponytail at the side of his head. He was Misty, from Pokémon.

"Thank you for joining us tonight, everybody! I love every one of you, but I'd like to deliver a special thanks to Zeni S. Master, who made it possible for me to receive the greatest gift of the night: birthday sex!"

Ciel's head perked up. He didn't look pleased.

"No one tell Ciel I told you though," he giggled. "That kid's a sensitive little bastard. Blab and I'll cut open your throats and rape the slits while you choke on your own blood. _Comprendez?_"

No one had much to say to that. Someone gave a nervous, "Heh."

Alois beamed. "Kidding! I'm just teasing you." He started to laugh. The fans of his infamous sadism joined in, and the AloisxCiel fans high-fived each other and everyone around them. One of them was mouthing, _I was totally there!_

Bard and Finnian came through the doors again with a massive stepladder, which they set down at the base of the cake to free the shota of the hour. Once he'd descended, Brittany cupped her hands around her mouth and hollered, "_HEY LOOK, EVERYBODY, CIEL JUST SHOWED UP!"_ and proceeded to shove him towards the front of the crowd.

Alois scanned the crowd eagerly for who he now probably considered to be his official boyfriend. "Really? How perfect! Someone bring him here!"

Ciel was found by Audacity-cupcakE and KaZeKaeRu1307, who each took an arm and escorted him through the crowd into Alois' embrace. "So glad you could join us, my sweet little sleepyhead," he murmured quietly enough so that the fangirls wouldn't hear and start _awww_ing again. Ciel actually hugged him back and was rewarded with a kiss on the hair.

"WHO WANTS CAKE?" Alois shouted. Ciel covered his ears against the subsequent din. Alois led him to the side while the cake was dished out and lifted the boy's head with a finger. "I'm sorry I left you," he said, smiling apologetically. "I didn't want to, I promise. I just didn't have a choice."

"S'okay," Ciel mumbled, and gave the birthday boy a sleepy kiss on the lips.

When they parted, Alois asked, "Would you like a slice of cake?"

"What a stupid question."

They made their way back around to the front of the monstrous dessert. Alois was just cutting into it when KaZeKaeRu popped up behind him. "_Alois_..."

"Can I help you?"

She beamed. "Yes, actually. You see, considering it's thanks to my review that we're now celebrating your birthday, I was wondering if I could perhaps get a little... reward from you?"

"Ah yes, you're the one who reminded me..." He glanced back at Ciel, who had been handed a slice of cake by Sebastian and was now engrossed in it. "A quick kiss, then," he decided, and grabbed the girl by the face, pushing his mouth on hers and probably sliding his tongue in, if her surprised squeak was anything to go by.

"There you go," he said when he released her. "Happy Halloween."

"Th-thanks, Alois."

He turned back to the crowd. "Alright, everybody! I wish you all a fabulous Halloween, and I hope you enjoy the remainder of the party until you pass out or something gets set on fire. I'm going to retire to Ciel's bedroom and I'm taking him with me, so GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE!"

A chorus of 'good nights', some muffled by mouthfuls of cake, and then the two shotas were gone.

Brittany stepped up onto the ladder next. "Thank you all so much for reviewing, and I seriously hope you guys had a killer Halloween! I'm off to take a crack at NaNoWriMo, so I'll see you all in December where we _may_ have to have a Christmas party. Bring on the 'nog, I say! _Au revoir_, _mes belles amies!_"

* * *

**Again, I apologize for the tardiness, and also for the shit lemon and everything else I messed up on. Hopefully if we **_**do**_** have a Christmas party, I'll manage to make up for it there. **

**Anyway, I hope you liked it :D**

**Is anyone else doing NaNoWriMo? Tell me your stories! I'd love to hear about them :D I'll probably post mine on dA when/if I finish, so... yeah. It may or may not but probably not be worth reading.**


	15. Ch 10 and three quarters Just a Quickie

**Do you know what I dislike most about the NaNoWriMo people? They way they know exactly what I'm thinking. The other day I was all, "Hmm, well, my thumbs are turning blue and I think I'm getting carpal tunnel. I am going to throw in the towel because my story's shit anyway," and then they email me and it basically says, "We know you want to throw in the towel and think that your story's shit anyway, but you must persevere!" Honestly. Are we really that predictable? **

**So I'm taking a break instead. I'll get to all your accusations in December, worry not! For now I need to quickly take care of something.**

**Guest-starring Anna B-nana, with whom I may or may not be having a vicious review battle *not sure because I may've missed a joke somewhere* P: I do enjoy battles though, so make sure to review :D Please. It'd be super awesome!**

* * *

"_SURPRISE!"_

Ciel paused at the threshold of the courtroom, Alois attached to him by the hand, and took in the new décor with a look of blatant disgust. The room was decked out for a party of some sort, with a vomit of pastel streamers and balloons hanging from the rafters and the tables lined with good linens and confetti and puff pastry hors d'oeuvres, little cupcakes, and a punch fountain. Someone with chronic indecision had put up a banner that'd once read, '_It's a BOY!'_, but the last word had since been replaced with '_We're Not SURE!'_ and then '_An Abomination!'_ and then '_A Bloody MIRACLE!'_ Someone else had scribbled '_Congrats anyway' _in the corner. Butlers, servants, and a few other 'friends' of the earls were present.

"What is the meaning of this?" Ciel asked, not sounding like he truly cared.

"Have you forgotten already?" Alois asked frantically. "We're pregnant, remember? Anna said so! We're going to have a baby!"

Ciel ran his free hand impatiently through his hair. "Sure we are. You realize we'd have had to have _sex_ for that to be possible? Not to mention one of us would have to be female."

Alois blinked at him. "Are you sure?"

"But you did have sex!" Anna B-nana spoke up from up on the judge's desk. "Everyone heard about it!"

"And a handful of people _heard _it. Honestly, you guys, I'm trying to keep it T here!" Brittany complained. To herself she mumbled, "All I wanted was to play my favourite game and virtually humiliate and douse people with water guns. Now I'm peddling child pornography."

Ciel frowned. "Why does everyone keep saying we did ... _that?_ I'm pretty sure I'd remember it happening."

"If it's any help, I do remember it," Sebastian said blankly. "I recall on the night of Earl Trancy's party him exiting your bedroom and saying, and I quote, 'You might want to freshen up his sheets, if you know what I'm saying,' and then he winked at me and pranced away giggling."

Claude's eye twitched almost imperceptibly. Ciel blanched.

"I still... don't..."

"Really?" Alois pouted. "It was such a romantic evening between the two of us, and you don't even _remember it?_ How sad."

Brittany put her chin in her hands. "Do you recall _anything_ that happened after around, oh, when was it... about ten o' clock?"

"No. I assumed I went to bed."

Anna raised an eyebrow at him. "And you didn't wonder about any... soreness you felt the next morning?"

"I thought I must've sat on something uncomfortable."

"For cereal, Ciel?" Alois asked incredulously. "You even read out the charge Anna left us in the 'Court Show Special' on the _ELC show!_ You said yourself that we did the dirty deed and that you were probably going to have my child! Honestly, this wasn't even two weeks ago!"

"I assumed that was some sort of bad joke."

Everyone groaned at Ciel. Brittany and Finnian had gotten bored and were digging into the snacks.

Ciel scoffed at them all. "Alright, let's say hypothetically that some godforsaken excuse for _coitus_ occurred between Alois and I. Despite all evidence that suggests otherwise, Alois _is_ a young man, as am I, so there is no possible way for us to conceive! So to have you suggest that a child might somehow be produced between the two of us is unbelievably asinine!" He gave a short, bark of a laugh to illustrate his point. "How could you even _consider_ the idea of me giving _birth?_"

An awkward silence hung over the room for all of a second, and then everyone but Claude burst out laughing.

Mey-Rin was blushing like mad, chortling behind her hands like a schoolgirl, as was Bard. Finnian and Brittany nearly choked on their food, the triplets were taking turns with their laughter (Timber: Ha! Thompson: Ha! Canterburt: HA!), Sebastian allowed himself a few chuckles, and Anna B-nana and Drocell were howling with laughter. Even Brittany's dog and the Dementors appeared to find Ciel's assumption humourous.

"Oh dear," Anna said, wiping tears from her eyes. Drocell caught one she missed and she flashed him a flirtatious smirk.

"Of course you wouldn't give _birth!_" Brittany exclaimed once she'd caught her breath. "What a stupid idea! The Stork would come drop the kid off, _obviously_, and from then on it'd be just like that episode of _Spongebob Squarepants_ where he and Patrick adopted that mollusk they found."

"Really, young master," Sebastian chimed in. "You're an intelligent individual. Surely you know where babies come from."

Ciel looked at them all like they'd just suggested the creator of the universe was a hedgehog goddess with a magic wand and a jet pack powered by the same piss that controlled gravity. "I'm going home now," he muttered.

"More cake for us then," Brittany said around a mouthful of baked good.

Ciel snagged one of the cupcakes and left the room.

Alois stuck his head out the door, "Get back here, you—" and proceeded to call Ciel various unflattering synonyms for lady parts.

"I suppose you'll have to accept the gifts on behalf of your spouse, Earl Trancy," Sebastian said.

"Gifts?" Alois skipped back into the room and made himself comfy in the armchair where he'd kissed Sebastian to irk Ciel. "I love gifts!"

"Ours first!" Anna dibs'ed, jumping down from the desk and yanking Claude before the remaining earl. He was probably a little displeased with her after the behind the scenes 'pitchfork-stabbing incident' at the Halloween party, but it didn't show. "Claude and I made these for you." She placed a medium-sized box into Alois' hands.

The ribbon and wrapping paper met their gruesome fate that minute, their mangled corpses littering the floor as Alois grinned. He removed the lid of the box quite gently in comparison. "Oh, how lovely." He held up a daffodil-yellow crocheted footie pajama-type deal, then a knitted blue sweater and a pair of green booties. "They're so cute!"

Claude made his Claude-face. Anna beamed. "I'm glad you like them!"

"They're _perfect_. Thank you, Anna. This is why you're my favourite!"

Brittany shot him a look. "Have you forgotten she's cheating on you with puppet boy?"

Alois looked at the judge seriously. "I'd prefer it if you refrained from bringing up petty disputes at my baby shower. I'd rather deal with them at a more appropriate time, if that's alright with you."

Brittany munched on a mini-quiche in defeat.

Next up was Sebastian, who handed Alois a small, perfectly square wrapped object. Upon unwrapping it, Alois discovered the item wasn't even square. "Impressive! How did you fit an entire crib in there?"

Sebastian shrugged modestly. "It's only expected that a servant of the Phantomhive family be able to do this."

Claude glared, obviously displeased with being one-upped by his rival/object of misguided sexual obsession probably ew. He disappeared for a second and returned with an even smaller, squarer object, and thrust it into his master's hands. "Halloween into a smut-fest, aphrodisiacs into children, and a shitty crib into something way cooler. That is the way of the Trancy butler," said he.

"Oh cool," Alois said as the wrapping paper was shredded. "What an exquisite baby carriage!"

After which an hour-long battle of gifting ensued between the two butlers and Alois was presented with more lavish, ostentatious gifts until the food was expended and Brittany, no longer placated with bite-sized bundles of calories yelled at them to get out of her goddamn courtroom and take all their shit with them, she had writing to do.

On the corner of a vacant street somewhere nearby, Ciel was sitting with his elbows in his lap and his chin in his hands, tired and irritated, as was becoming the norm around here. He felt the slightest movement deep in his gut, and immediately perked up.

"What fresh hell?"

Then his stomach gave another gurgle and he realized he just had indigestion. He gave a sigh and fought the urge to bang his head on the curb.

* * *

**There, that'll tide me over for a bit. I do enjoy virtually eating a tonne of food.**

**If you haven't yet checked out episode/chapter 20 of the **_**Everybody Loves Ciel Show**_**, I highly recommend it! Mostly because I guest-starred in it, but also so you'll know what the hell just happened here. And 'cause it's great, of course :D I liked the 21st one a lot too (Zack Galifianakis is my FAT JESUS HERO.)**

**Stay tuned; next time Anna and I'll dish out some serious justice and fun songs (**_**avec les**_** triplets)! _Ce va _****_ê_****_tre _**_**un partay!**_

**Also has anyone seen the last episode of Glee? I can't get over how great it is that Kurt's new beau-to-be is Harry from _A _**_**Very Potter Musical**_**. Mind tickled.**

**Catch you all later! Thanks for bothering with this shit :D**


	16. Chapter 11 The One With Anna Bnana

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, AloisxCiel, SebastianxCiel (and vice versa), numerous Glee references, offensive songs, the inappropriate use of kitchen knives, cookie parties, fail smut, shameless product placement, manners, and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**It's finally almost DECEMBER! Time for festive beverages and sparkly things and bells! Can't wait till the Christmas PARTAY! **_**Oh the weather outside is weather~**_

**Disclaimer: I'm starting to doubt the necessity of constantly reminding myself that I'm a loser with nothing cool or useful to my name. **

**P.S. DEDICATED TO Laura (!x100) HAPPY BIRTHDAY, **_**MA BELLE COPINE!**_** I'm so very sorry I can't make it to the soiree D: **

**P.P.S. And to Emerald Line, whose name got cut out of the Halloween Party because FF thought it was a web address (a feature which I find incredibly stupid and troublesome). But I've fixed it now! Please forgive me!**

* * *

*Cue Mr. Schuster/Puck/Finn voiceover for recap (not sure which one it is)*

_So here's what happened last month!_

_Alois had a massive birthday party thrown for him at the Phantomhive manor on the night which also happened to be Halloween so everyone there was dressed like a freak, and one of the guests plotted with Alois to spike Ciel's drink which resulted in them playing the bouncy bed game which, according to Anna B-nana—or more specifically, the charge she left for the boys when she put Brittany in charge of a segment on her show/fic—resulted in Ciel's metaphoric eggo becoming preggo. A quick baby shower was thrown for the happy gay couple and Ciel evidently did not appreciate it. Also on a somewhat recent episode of the _Everybody Loves Ciel Show_ Anna ditched Alois at the altar at one of his numerous weddings for Drocell Keinz and now she and the arguably creeptacular puppet boy will be co-hosting here in court! _

_And that's what you probably forgot on KKC :D_

Ciel and Alois were playing Perfection (where you stick the plastic shapes into the plastic holes on the plastic grid before the plastic timer runs out and the plastic box spazzes out and throws all the plastic pieces back) when Brittany meandered into the courtroom with her dog in her arms, looking downtrodden or regretful or something. "I tried," she said. "I couldn't do it though. I couldn't finish NaNoWriMo because I'm too useless."

Alois grumbled something and reluctantly slapped a handful of banknotes into Ciel's outstretched hand.

Ignoring the fact that her imminent failure had been gambled upon, the judge mustered up a smile and said, "It's no real bother, actually. I much prefer doing this." She looked to her co-hosts for assurance.

"You're a disgrace," Ciel muttered, pocketing his winnings whilst searching for a star-shaped hole for his star-shaped piece of plastic.

"And you call yourself a writer!" Alois exclaimed in mock outrage.

"Thanks, guys."

The doors swung open again, this time to allow Anna B-nana and her disturbing beau into the courtroom. Drocell walked stiffly in, playing that creepy music box that gives off the impression he'll start spinning his head in three-sixties around his neck and spewing noxious green bile from his throat like some kind of horror flick banshee type thing. But he just looked at Anna pleasantly—who was wearing a colourful brocade jacket, an exceedingly plumaged top hat, and an array of bright silk scarves to match his—and she linked her arm in his. "Hello, everyone!" she said.

"_Bienvenue!"_ said Brittany.

"Good morning," said Ciel. The timer ran out and the plastic bits got everywhere. "Damnit!"

"Hello, girl who I am quite pissed at for leaving me all alone on one of my many wedding days but to whom I shall act cordially nonetheless because I can be the bigger man if need be, and weird mannequin guy who I needn't be cordial to at all considering you aren't entirely human and therefore probably don't have a soul, not that that would bother me anyway, oh no, don't think I'm going soft, but I might make more of an effort if you could actually express rage at my lack of effort," said Alois.

"Hello," said Drocell.

"Okey doke! Let's get the ball rolling!" Brittany said jauntily, gathering everyone onto the couch that was still situated on their desk. With the two new additions to the team, as well as the guitar Anna had brought along, it was a tight fit. Ciel tried to escape but found it difficult with Alois sitting on his lap. "I hope everyone's feeling musical today!"

"I am!" Anna cheered, and began strumming her guitar. Drocell joined in with his little music box, it's usual dull notes of London Bridge mysteriously morphing into the dull notes of picking on people, and the triplets popped up from somewhere in that magical way of theirs to sing/rap along. As usual, Thompson was leading because he's clearly the best-looking.

_Ciel, you _obviously_ like Alois,_

_And yet you have the gall to lie to us,_

_Thus!_

_The first charge of the day comes to us, (drum roll, please)_

_From the fuckin' sexy magic school bus! (aka Lindsay!)_

_A SIT-EE-A-SHEE-ON has been called for,_

_Of the full out lie detecting sort,_

Alors!

_Ciel, just step through this door, (right this way) _

_So Jimmy can settle his score. (this won't take a minute)_

_We've tried a truth potion, _

_But we still get the notion,_

_That you keep your devotion, (all those mushy feelings)_

_To yourself and your lotion. (Oh my god)_

Anna's chords stopped abruptly. Timber was giving Thompson a weird look. "What the hell, man?"

"It _rhymes_ doesn't it?"

"That's kind of messed up."

Brittany was biting her lip and trying not to giggle-snort. "That might've been in bad taste..."

Ciel said nothing. He looked like the only emotion he was hiding was an urge to get brutally violent.

"So we're putting him through a lie detector test?" Alois clarified. He appeared pleased enough.

"Indeed," said Brittany. "You may ask him 'AAAAAAAANYthing' you want! I'll let Anna take care of this one, as I have various... lurker-related things to attend to."

"Hooray, my first charge!" Anna hopped down from the couch/desk and gestured to Alois. "After you."

Alois offered her a stiff smile and half-led, half-dragged a typically protesting Ciel from the couch/desk to the floor. "Sebastian!" the smaller boy hollered. "Where the hell are you! I order you to punch out this bloody fag _this instant!_"

"I think you'll find that Sebastian is quite preoccupied," Brittany informed Ciel.

_Outside the building:_

"SEBASTIAN! HAVE MY BABIES!"

"HAVE MINE FIRST!"

"HAVE MY KITTENS!"

"HAVE MY BABY CLAUDELETS!"

"SEBAS-_CHAN~!_ Oh, my Hunk Radar is positively screaming! I—"

"Piss off, Grell," said one of the fangirls. "You're embarrassing us."

Sebastian scanned the colossal mob of shrieking fangirls and various other 'acquaintances' of his closing in on him. He checked his pocket watch. "Well, there goes lunch."

_Back in the courtroom:_

Alois shoved Ciel through one of the mismatched doors along the left wall. "In you go!"

"Over my dead body!"

Alois narrowed his eyes and spoke in the low tone generally reserved for scum of the earth. "You'll go in and you'll do as you're told, or so help me, Phantomhive, I will take a dump in your shoes and make you lick off your feet."

And so in they went. Anna hesitantly followed, strumming a somber riff on her acoustic.

"It's a good thing she's here, because I don't know if I can get through all these on my own," Brittany proclaimed, flipping through a formidable stack of papers. She turned her attention to the doorway. "Would the Undertaker and Arthur Wordsmith be so kind as to join us please?"

Arthur poked his head through the doors first, eyes wide and lips trembling. "I swear, I didn't tell a soul! No one heard about what happened! Not a single word left my lips! Please don't put me in jail!" He then noticed Sebastian—who had already dealt with the mob outside—standing nearby and proceeded to faint.

"_Ku fu fu fu fu! _That's a good one!" The Undertaker stepped over Arthur's motionless body. "Is he dead? Because that would certainly have made this worth the trip."

"I hope not," said Brittany. "He's one of my favourites."

Arthur was murmuring almost incomprehensibly as one of the triplets waved smelling salts under his nose. "Please... sorry... eyelashes..."

Brittany cleared her throat. "Anyway, you all may or may not recall me shooting Sebby and Ciel in the face for dragging out the murder mystery arc. Laura has deemed this an act of laziness and then called me a Madame, so I know she means business, THUS, I have decided to give it another go! I've concluded that it is actually Arthur Wordsmith who is guilty for returning to the manor and interrogating Sebastian and Ciel about the evening's occurrences. He is here today to spread his awesomeness but also to accept his punishment."

Arthur mumbled something.

Canterburt raised his hand. "Who is Arthur Wordsmith?"

"He's from the manga. He slept with Ciel."

Alois burst through the door he'd shut and dead-bolted not two minutes ago. "_WHAT?"_

Claude appeared through another of the doors. "Yeah, what?"

Ranmao popped through a third door. 'What?' she mouthed.

"Oh no, everyone's mad at me_!_"Arthur, having finally recovered, curled up on the floor and covered his head._ "I'm so sorry..."_

Brittany shouted, "Everyone, go away! Alois, get back in the Chamber of Ciel's Secrets! Claude, your hearing is _tomorrow!_ Chinese Barbie, go make Ciel a sammich! Mr. Wordsmith, no one's angry at you. Undertaker, _what_ are you doing?"

The grey-haired man was holding Brittany's dog up to his face by the hind legs. "She has a soft tummy," he said as way of explanation, and starting chuckling again. Sammie did not approve.

"I understand. Arthur Wordsmith, for causing us to get our hopes up on the eighteenth of every month for the last three or four or so, only to have them crushed by yet another unexpected completely expected plot twist, I hereby sentence you to join today's massive panel of co-hosts and assist me in a TOP SECRET MISSION I have planned for later! You probably won't get hurt. Is that fine with you?"

Arthur had finally calmed himself and been ushered into The Armchair, which was now situated where the accused would generally stand (it's winter; everyone's permitted to be lazy). He looked almost relieved. "I suppose... I don't think anything can truly leave a heavier mark on me than the... _incident_ you keep mentioning. A Top Secret Mission it is."

"Brilliant." Brittany turned to the Undertaker, who was now waving one of his infamous bone-shaped biscuits in front of Sammie's muzzle. "You," she said, aiming a finger in his direction, "have been charged by Monochrome Cloud for not lurking around here nearly enough. Before the Halloween Party, anyway."

"Yes," he said. "Is this critter rabid, by any chance?"

"No. To atone for the atrocious sin of your absence, you need only to share your cookies with us. We're going to have a quick _partay du biscuit!_"

"Alright."

And so for five hectic minutes everyone attempted to play Twister, salsa dance, and nom on bone cookies, whilst also playing _Dead or Alive_ on Rock Band in the midst of a game of Beer Pong. There were balloons.

_Meanwhile, in the Chamber of Ciel's Secrets:_

"Somehow I find myself doubting the validity of this so-called 'lie detector'." Ciel tugged at one of the wires that'd been duct-taped to his skin.

"What?" Alois cocked his head a full ninety degrees. "What a silly thing to say. This is as legit as it gets, buddy."

"_Sure_ it is. And it probably won't inject my brain with slut-serum, or estrogen, or laughing gas, or any of that shit you people find inexplicably entertaining. As if I'd trust you after ten chapters of being hazed and molested!"

Alois' eyes widened. "Laughing gas... I knew we were forgetting something."

"Not to worry," Anna assured Ciel. "We only want to poke around the dark, steamy corners of your brain where you keep your torrid Alois fantasies. Now, Alois, the floor is yours." She began to play the Jeopardy theme on her guitar.

Alois beamed at his disgruntled prisoner—unhappily manacled to the chair by his ankles and wrists—and angled his body towards the other. "Let's see... Where to start?"

"Try asking how disturbing I find you."

"You think I'm disturbing?" Alois gushed. "Aw, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me!"

Ciel gave another half-hearted tug at his restraints.

"I'll just wing it, I guess. Anna, are you ready!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

"Ciel, on a scale of one to ten, how great do you think I am? One being Stephen I'm-eating-my-cookie! Duckett, and ten being Chuck Norris crossbred with seven ninjas and Lady Gaga."

Anna's guitar playing faltered. "I really didn't need that image..."

"Four," said Ciel. "Like a cat on stilts."

"He's lying," said Anna.

Alois produced a wooden paddle from somewhere about his person. "Try again, Ciel."

"Alright, alright! Eight!"

"True!" said Anna.

"Do you honestly not remember the night of my birthday party, or are you just saying that because you're shy?"

"I don't remember it because I was _drugged_."

"True."

"Do you wish you'd remember it?"

"No."

"False."

Ciel turned bright pink. "It is not! Why would I want to remember _that?_ It was probably disgusting and awkward and unnatural!"

"Of course it was," Alois said casually. "In a good way though. Now, which do you like best?" He rose from his seat and settled himself on Ciel's lap. "Thighs? Ass? Chest? My neck, perhaps?" He lifted his chin and brushed his dainty fingers down the length of his neck, along the sharp lines, the tendons and the slightest hint of an Adam's apple. A sly smirk blossomed across his lips.

Ciel turned his head hastily away from him, sending his fringe flopping over his eye. "Isn't that a little personal?"

"Hm? Oh, I suppose so. Anna, plug your ears."

Anna obliged and hummed to herself for good measure. When Alois signaled the OK to her a moment later, Ciel's eye was darting uncomfortably around the room to avoid Alois' gaze. The blonde was smiling widely. "Last one, pumpkin! Where are you most ticklish?"

"I'm not."

"Lies!" said Anna.

"Come on, everyone has at least _one_ ticklish spot," Alois said. When Ciel didn't answer him, he turned to Anna. "You know that spot between your asshole and your balls?"

"Uhhh..."

"That's mine. _Cielly_," he purred and returned his focus to Ciel. "If you don't tell me where it is that you're ticklish, I'll simply have to feel you up until I find it for myself." And back to Anna. "What do you think? Shall I use my fingers? Or my tongue?"

"UHHHH..."

_Back in the courtroom:_

Brittany checked her penguin wristwatch. "They should be done by now. Goodness! There's so much to do!"

At that moment, muffled laughter of the angry, squealish variety rang from the locked room. "FOUND IT!" Alois' voice proclaimed. "It's his tailbone!" Ciel continued to laugh.

"Huh. Drocell, could you kindly retrieve your girlfriend, her ex, and his main squeeze? Please and thank you?" The puppet puppeteer made his way from the couch/desk to the door with absolutely no grace at all and did as told. Ciel bolted out, simultaneously trying to tuck in his shirt and scramble out of Alois' reach.

Everyone watched this for a moment, and then Brittany produced a megaphone and shouted, "NEXT SONG, PLEASE!"

_Ciel, once more the charge is for you, _

_For treating poor Sebastian like poo, _

_Totalamuto would love if you could,_

_Dress and act as a kitty cat would!_

_Don your ears, your tail and your bell,_

_And snuggle your butler from Hell,_

_Quit speaking human and give us a purr,_

_And make up for being a rotten cur!_

"Cur..." Sebastian chuckled. "'Cause he's a dog."

"I have to dress like a cat?" Ciel scoffed.

"Yes! But wait, there's more!" Drocell said in an utterly unexpected and flawless imitation of every infomercial narrator ever. "For the low, low price of ceasing any and all human-speak and sticking only to purrs, meows, and yowls for the remainder of the day, you can repent for "Tch"-ing with abnormal frequency and causing lovely, innocent people such as Monochrome Cloud to become addicted to "tch" as well!"

Alois covered his mouth with his hands, looking stunned and a little frightened. "Ciel... You have a tch addiction? I-I didn't know! Oh my god... Oh, Ciel! Come here!" The blonde held out his arms, nearly in tears. "I can't believe it's gotten this serious and I didn't _know!"_

Ciel backed away and tried to calm Alois. "No, it's really not a big deal... It's just _tch_."

"'Just _tch?_ _JUST TCH?_ Do you know what tch does to people? It tears families apart, Ciel! And what about the baby? Dear god!" Alois crumpled over the smaller boy so that Ciel was wearing him like half of a sobbing poncho. "Did you even _think_ about our baby?"

Inwardly panicking but trying not to make it apparent, Ciel said, "I did, Alois, um, darling... The baby will be fine! I've been cutting back on tch ever since we announced it." He even went so far as to pat his own belly reassuringly, despite knowing full well that there was nothing aside from the usual organs and a half-digested slice of coconut cream cake in there.

"Are you sure?" Alois murmured.

"Would I lie to you?"

"You just did! For six whole minutes!"

"But would I lie to you about this?" Ciel asked, grasping at straws. He really didn't like dealing with Alois when he was upset.

"Of course you would, you shameless, disloyal, lying prick!" Alois shouted, shoving Ciel away. He sniffed. "I can't look at you anymore!"

"Fine!" Ciel cleverly retorted, before realizing this was exactly the kind of thing he'd wanted. Alois was finally giving him the cold shoulder! Awesome!

Then Anna snuck up behind him and stuck cat ears on his head and put a tail in place over the aptly-named tailbone, resulting in an automatic giggle and Ciel squirming out of reach. Drocell caught him and snapped a voluminous red velvet bow with a brass bell around his throat. "I'm sorry, Ciel, but this has to be done," Anna said.

Ciel jingled. "Mrow... MEOW! MEOW, GODDAMNIT!"

Brittany clapped. "Oh good, it works! These appendages are enchanted, you see. Now he can only speak cat."

"Where did you get them from?" Anna asked.

"The trunk of Sebastian's car. _Maintenant,_ could we have Case 50 sung for us, _si vous plait__!_"

_Ciel, Ciel, pudding and pie,_

_Fucked Alois and made Seb cry, _

_And now that Seb's come out to play,_

_He'll get his revenge for this lay!_

_Sebby, Sebby, custard and cream,_

_On this day you'll live your dream,_

_Snog your master and snog him right,_

_While Alois'll be locked up tight._

_Fangirls, fangirls, pull up a seat,_

_You guys are in for quite a treat._

_Poor Alois will watch as well,_

_But for that lovesick boy this will be hell D:_

"So that beauty comes to us from totalamuto as well—to atone for Ciel's apparently mistaken choice in rapists the night of Alois' birthday—with an added request from starcatrose for Ciel to FRENCH (and maybe more) with Sebby and ENJOY IT! This is to make up for your totally inadequate yaoi relationship. It needs improvement, I hear," Brittany elaborated. "So that's two birds with one stone! Don't disappoint."

"It's just not your day, eh, Alois?" Anna said sympathetically.

"THE NEXT PERSON TO PATRONIZE ME WILL HAVE THEIR NOSE TORN RIGHT OFF THEIR FACE!"

"She wasn't patronizing you, Master Alois," Drocell tried to explain, hugging Anna to his side.

"SHUT UP, PUPPETARD!"

"Meow," said Ciel.

"He said, 'Kindly calm yourself, you deliciously sexy but melodramatic dispshit. You're not the one who has to kiss your butler'," Sebastian translated.

"Mrow, you jerk."

Alois threw up his hands as Brittany attempted to shove him into one of the various rooms. "Oh yeah, 'cause that would be _suuuch_ a painful and not at all amazing experience! Shut up, Ciel!"

"Get _in_ there!" said Brittany. Then the Undertaker strolled by and happened to lightly bump them both, sending them tumbling through the doorway. The judge managed to scramble back out and slam and lock the windowed door, leaving Alois pounding the glass and yelling obscenities inside. "I'm sorry!" Brittany mouthed at him. "I'm just doing my job!"

"Well, Young Master, shall we?" Sebastian held a gloved hand out to the boy, whose tail was swishing angrily behind him, his ears flattened against his hair. Ciel's expression made it clear that he knew he couldn't win against his butler, but he wasn't going to be happy about it.

Brittany popped up behind Sebastian, rubbing her nose—which Alois had actually attempted to rip from her face—and pressed something into his other hand. "For good measure," she said.

Ciel hissed at her.

Sebastian held the item up—a bottle of little white pills—smirked, and swiftly popped the top and forced half a dozen of them down Ciel's throat. He then slipped an arm behind the boy's knees and under his shoulders, scooped him up, and positioned him in The Armchair, all in one fluid motion. Ciel yowled in protest.

Thompson, Timber, Canterburt, Drocell, Anna, Brittany, Arthur Wordsmith, the Undertaker and Sammie crowded onto the couch/desk with buckets of popcorn to watch the show. Alois continued to claw pitifully at the door. Then he removed a boot and commenced smashing the heel into the glass. He wasn't having much luck.

Sebastian settled himself overtop of Ciel, his usual smile giving precious few of his thoughts away. It was obvious he was quite pleased, but underneath that lay the slightest disappointment that his master had given in so easily. Surely this trifling court fandango hadn't broken him already?

The boy recoiled into the chair, the edges of his fury already beginning to soften from whatever had been in that bottle. But the defiance was still there. It reassured Sebastian enough for him to capture Ciel's face in his hands and press their lips together.

Ciel panicked for a second, swatting his tail against the side of Sebastian's head as the demon's warm lips pushed hungrily against his own. His mouth was forced open, invaded by hot breath and a practiced tongue, and Sebastian's hands on his cheeks slid further into his hair. The roots were gently tugged, the tender spot behind his ear rubbed until he (accidentally) let out a tiny moan and then flushed at his mistake.

Sebastian chuckled, and the sound shook through Ciel and irritated him. Why was he always taken advantage of so easily? Why did he let it happen? Fear? Weakness?

_I'm not weak,_ he thought bitterly, and began to push back. He did what he thought Alois would do in a situation like this—use his own tongue like a battering ram and remind Sebastian whose bitch he was. He imagined the inside of the man's mouth was sugar-coated and reacted accordingly, shifting his arms and clinging to Sebastian's chest. Fistfuls of fabric were wrinkled in Ciel's grip (he kind of wanted to hurt Sebastian and knew that creasing his uniform would be the most effective means of doing so). When Sebastian attempted to reverse the situation, he was swiftly shoved back and sat upon. Ciel had managed to pop up the recliner with his tail so that his butler's head had something soft to hit.

_Checkmate!_ he thought triumphantly, because in Ciel's world everything has to do with the nerdiest board game ever.

_In the locked room:_

Alois finally admitted defeat and let his boot fall to the floor. This was so lame!

However, with his attention newly undivided, the blonde really took in the scene through the window. Ciel, _HIS_ precious little bundle of fuckable adorableness (!) was straddling his demon and pinning him down by the shoulders. When the boy parted to take a breath, it became apparent that there was a lot of tongue between the two of them. Alois could hear every freaking moan and groan through the vents. This was so _actually fucking_ lame!

But then again, seeing Ciel so involved in such an act—especially from another angle—_was_ kind of sexy... His hair was all messy, his eyes half-lidded and cheeks bright with colour, just the way Alois liked him. And the way he'd utterly dominated Sebastian was just...

_Back in the courtroom:_

"Oh my," said Anna. Thompson was covering Timber's eyes, Timber was covering Canterburt's eyes, and the Undertaker was covering Thompson's eyes. Arthur had his gaze averted into his popcorn bucket and was narrating his last trip to the grocery store as a means of distraction.

Drocell was drooling and fiddling with his fingers. "I want to make them into dolls so badly," he murmured huskily.

Brittany glanced towards Alois' prison. "HEY! Alois! ALOIS! There will be _NO_ JACKING OFF in my goddamn courtroom! Jeezuz Christ!"

Ciel moaned quite loudly.

"_Build them out of silver and gold, silver and gold, silver and gold—_"

Brittany stood up. "That's it! That's enough! Everyone needs to cool off!" She reached up and grabbed a cord hanging from the ceiling, yanking it down. Dismembered-Hannah fell from an opening between the rafters, dripping with gross Hannah things. She went splat on the floor.

Ciel took one look at her and threw up (not on Sebastian, thankfully). This effectively killed the mood and Alois was let out of his room.

"Wow, Alois, that's a large... SMILE, you have there!" Anna said.

"Why don't you ever do that to me?" Alois asked Ciel whilst rearranging his shorts.

Ciel tried to answer, only to be reminded that he was still only capable of speaking cat.

"He says, 'I'm not usually on drugs'," Sebastian translated, straightening out his uniform.

"Yes he is," said Alois.

"Actually," Brittany cut in, "those were placebos that I gave Sebastian." She laughed. "They were just sugar pills!"

Ciel bristled in anger, found his Super Soaker somewhere in the room and proceeded to shoot the judge in the face. She found her marshmellow gun and began shooting back. Her dog ran around the room eating all her expended ammunition.

"Aloispleaseapproachthestand!" she blurted whilst trying not to get another faceful of Whatever That Was.

"Now what?"

"Lindsayhasaccusedyouof—HEY WATCH IT—SAMMIE DON'T EAT THAT THAT ONE WASN'T A MARSHMELLOW—sayingthatshekeepsspelling'Alous'." When they finally both ran out of ammunition, Brittany flopped back to the couch—soaked in an unidentified liquid that smelled like Buckley's cough syrup—and Ciel curled up in The Armchair with his tail wrapped around him. "How do you plead?"

"Guilty? I don't know. You'd better not make me change my name, because I goddamn fought to be Alois!"

"Of course not. You just have to spell 'Alois' 26 491 times—on an iPhone, I assume—and for the rest of the day you'll be referred to as either 'Jimmy, Jimster, Jim Sandwich, Jimbo, JIMBO THE UNICORN THE NINJA THE WHORE', etc. or whatever we can come up with." Brittany addressed the rest of the judging panel. "Puns are encouraged. Got it, everyone?" Everyone got it.

"That's a lot of times," Alois deadpanned. "I want my lawyer!"

And so Zombie-unicorn burst into the courtroom with a frighteningly devilish smile and a briefcase full of heavens-knows-what. "I'm here, Alois! Take that, Ciel! Alois has a lawyer too!" Then she laughed maniacally and pranced up to the front of the courtroom. She slammed her briefcase down on the table nearest Ciel, causing him to jolt out of his catnap with an angry hiss.

"So _that's_ how it's gonna be..." Brittany said. "Allow me to get my gavel." She retrieved the toy hammer from her desk and squeaked it on Drocell's plastic head. "ORDER IN THE COURT! Case 51, Peanut Butter and Jimmy vs. Lindsay's iPhone! All rise!"

No one did.

"Okay. You all heard the charge, somehow. Zombie-unicorn, Jimbo the Stripper-ninja-tricerasandwich's self-appointed defense attorney, I assume you're here to reduce the sentence?"

"I am!" the lawyer said proudly. "I've already made my decision: Instead of Alois writing his name 26 491 times, Ciel will instead finish writing out his lines that I told him to a while back! And not just _two post-it notes_ worth! He has to do ALL OF THEM!"

Brittany pursed her lips. "This isn't even a Ciel vs. Jim Class Heroes case."

"So?"

"So you can't just give people random sentences! That's my job!"

"But it's only fair!"

"How is that fair?"

Zombie-unicorn shrugged. "Because I said so."

"No. I'm sorry. Plus, Ciel has a brain the size of a peanut right now and he's on drugs," Brittany lied. "Therefore he is incapable of writing anything."

Zombie-unicorn looked at Ciel and then at Brittany skeptically. Alois spoke up, "Don't insult my boyfriend! He's always capable of most things because he's a sexy genius! I won't have you patronizing him!"

Brittany sighed. "Anna? Would you like to take care of this?"

"I don't really like coffee, thanks," she was saying to Timber, who was apparently going on a Tim Horton's run. To Brittany she said, "Sure thing." She stood and looked Alois and his lawyer in the eye. "How about we compromise? Jim-jams will write his name sixty-nine times, and Ciel will write enough lines to fill up a life-sized paper cutout of himself."

"In size 12 font?"

"Sure."

Zombie-unicorn thought this over. "I suppose that could work... Still not as great as I would've liked, but it'll do for now... By the way, is Ciel's lawyer here?"

"Nope," said Brittany.

"Well, then I'm going to go look for her. She and I have some... talking... to do. _Adios,_ guys!" Before leaving, Zombie-unicorn reached over and plucked Ciel's cat ears right off his head, laughing to herself.

"Hey!" he yelled. "Hey! I can speak!" Ciel bolted out of The Armchair and gave Zombie-unicorn a big hug. "Finally! Thank you!"

"No!" she yelled at him. "You're supposed to hug Alois, you unfaithful little bugger! AND QUIT SNUGGLING WITH SEBASTIAN!" And with that, she scooped up her briefcase and disappeared.

"That was... interesting," said Anna.

"Get started," Brittany ordered the boys. "We don't have all day."

"Fuck you," Ciel said, delighted to have his words back.

"I'll give it a shot, but I'm not promising much in the way of results," Brittany replied nonchalantly. "Now come on, guys! Last one! Someone go fetch Grell, please."

And because everything here functions so perfectly, as if the court were located in RightOnCue City of the WellWhaddyaKnow County in WhatACoincidinkOpolis on the planet of Perfect Timing, Grell was booted into the courtroom by Timber, who was balancing a stack of cardboard carrying trays filled with Tim Horton's beverages and a large box of donuts on one hand.

"Hot damn!" said Thompson.

"Pass me an apple fritter," said Canterburt.

"Song first, Timmie's second!" Brittany shouted. She produced a mid-sized square box from her desk and popped the lid, revealing a miniature orchestra. "You don't even have to play instruments this time, thanks to my Concerto in a Box. Gotta love The Tin Box; they have everything there."

And thus Timber set down his noms, and he and his brothers took a really deep breath and started singing to the tune of the blueberry muffin flavoured Mini-Wheats commercial.

_OOOOOOOHHHHH,_

_Grell Sutcliff is much too gay,_

_He scares all the straight men away!_

_Some things he says put gays to shame,_

_And gives them all a real bad name._

_Grell, Grell, Grell, Grell,_

_If only you could tone it down._

_Grell, Grell, Grell, Grell,_

_By far the scariest fag in town. _

_Now we have nothing against your team,_

_Adam Lambert is a god to me!_

_But you tend to come on a little strong,_

_And that is why we sing this song._

_Grell, Grell, Grell, Grell,_

_Have you seen the resent ep. of Glee?_

_Grell, Grell, Grell, Grell,_

_It's your fault Kurt's getting bullied!_

_And so to repent,_

_Time shall be spent,_

_Having knives thrown,_

_In your direction,_

_By Sebastian,_

_Or Ciel,_

_Or the accuser,_

_Monochrome Cloud!_

_Grell, Grell, Grell, Grell,_

_Shoulda stayed inside your shell!_

_Grell, Grell, Grell, Grell,_

_Trust us, buddy, we mean well!_

Brittany accepted a sheet of paper from her station manager and read from it, "_Kuroshitsuji Kangaroo Court_ in no way condones or supports the hazing, injuring, or intolerance of members of the homosexual, bisexual, metrosexual, asexual, or transsexual community. This excludes men who have sex with cars and Grell. The latter is recognized internationally as a registered sex offender and a level eight creep, as well as a threat to the safety of all of the aforementioned communities, and is therefore fair game."

Sebastian came through the doors. "I brought the knives, Miss."

"What's going on?" Grell asked. He was standing around with his knees together and his fists to his chest like a shoujo schoolgirl, looked befuddled. "Sebas-chan~! I've been calling and calling and calling you, but I'm starting to think that the number you gave me is wrong! And where were you at that party two months ago? I looked for you everywhere!" The shinigami began to sob. "One of the girls said I was... SAID I WAS... _THE WORST STALKER EVER!"_ Full out whale wails now. "I've never been so ashamed!"

When Grell finally calmed down, he discovered that he'd been welded against a target that was bolted to the wall. He glanced around in confusion, and then gave Sebastian his slyest grin. "Isn't _this_ kinky, my scrumptious little hunk of man-meat? I had no idea you were into S&M."

"Oh my god _shut up_," Brittany pleaded, divvying up the knives between Sebastian and Ciel. She gave Sebastian the OK, he took aim, and the knife went sailing straight for Grell's debatably-existent man-parts.

"EEK!" The knife hit home mere millimeters from Grell's crotch. "I don't mind things a little rough, sweetie, but isn't this a tad extreme?"

"Court orders," Sebastian said in half-hearted defense. He fired again. When his knives were expended, embedded a hair away from Grell's skull and sides, he bowed to his scribbling master. "Your turn, sir."

"I'm busy," Ciel said.

"I'll write your lines while you throw."

"Nonono!" Brittany said. "Then Alois' lawyer might come back! She scares me!"

But Ciel was already taking aim and Sebastian was writing his praise of _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_. Ciel stuck out his tongue in concentration, drew his arm back, and flung his first knife in a wobbly line towards the target. Grell screamed, which proved unnecessary as the knife buried itself in the wall.

"Ooh, five feet to the left and that could've been bad," Alois murmured from behind the iPhone someone had lent him. "Damnit! Alous _again!_"

Ciel threw again, this time hitting the wall above Grell's head. The knife fell out and conked the shinigami on the nose. "Owie!" he squealed. "What is this for again?"

"Being scary gay," Brittany answered. "As opposed to being just regular extremely gay or being oblivious, which is why you were here before. Also, you make it very easy to make fun of you."

"I don't see much of a difference."

"They're completely different!"

Ciel's next knife took off Grell's ear. "Eep! Owowowowowow! That one really hurt! What happened? I can't see!" Grell squirmed around, trying futilely to assess the damage. "Oh no, my ear! Fudge! I really liked that one! It held my chandelier earrings so nicely..."

"Last knife," Ciel said, holding the utensil up. "Who wants it?"

Monochrome Cloud popped open the courtroom doors, must've taken a running start somewhere, and slid into the room right down the center aisle. "My turn!" she said, shot past Ciel, snatched the knife, and hurled it. The knife spun across the room—sailing straight for Grell's face—and bounced off his stupidly sharp teeth. "RATS!" MC cursed. "Why were you smiling?"

"Watching Sebastian write lines is turning me on."

"IT'S NOT ALOUS, YOU PIECE OF CRAP TECHNOLOGY!"

Hannah stirred on the floor. "I... dn't say Alous... I promise..."

Arthur checked his watch. "When are we doing this Top Secret Mission?"

Anna and Drocell had locked themselves in one of the rooms, the Triplets were watching the Grey Cup, Sammie was napping in the Undertaker's lap ("You tell good jokes, small furry one," he said), and Brittany was trying to keep track of so many people in her courtroom at once. "So much to do... So much to do..."

"Are we done then?" Alois asked. "Was that the last one?"

"For today, Invader Jim, for today." The judge flopped back on her couch and sighed. "Where's Anna? I was going to let her wrap up."

The guest-host in question stumbled into the courtroom, smoothing her rumpled clothing and hair. "Thank you everyone for joining us today! It's been a pleasure!"

"Yup, that's it," Brittany agreed. "NO WAIT ONE MORE THING I FORGOT TO GIVE LAURA HER BIRTHDAY PRESENT! WHERE IS SHE? SOMEONE GET HER!"

Laura appeared at the door. "You rang?"

Sebastian set down his pen, rose from his seat and greeted her with a bow. "It has been brought to my attention that your birthday passed recently. Allow me to give you a gift from the author." He bent down, cupped her face in his hands and kissed her gently. Laura blinked in surprise, considered demanding he at least take her out to dinner first, but ultimately decided to take what she got. So she kissed him back and EVERYONE WAS HAPPY BECAUSE THE CHAPTER WAS _FINALLY_ OVER!

* * *

**THAT WAS SO LONG D: Sorry folks.**

**The Official Announcement of the Christmas PARTAY will be at the end of the next chapter, I believe. Which reminds me!**

**I'm writing to Santa Claus again this year. You guys want anything?**

* * *

"NO WAIT I MISSED KAZE'S BIRTHDAY TOO! IT WAS ON THE 19TH AND I SAID WE'D HAVE CHOCOLATE CAKE AND I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT IT! I'M SUCH A FAILURE!"

So someone found KaZeKaeRu and Sebastian whipped up the most greatest awesomest super fantabulolisticnesses chocolate cake EVER with chocolate mousse and chocolate ganache and chocolate chips and chocolate sprinkles with extra chocolate, and KaZe took Alois' iPhone away and he thanked her with a big ol' kiss and they sat together in The Armchair so he could feed her her delicious birthday cake.

* * *

**THE END FOR REAL NOW.**

**I will take care of the rest of the charges ASAP! I did them out of order and that's so unfair but when some of them are conflicting I kind of **_**have **_**to do it this way, so I'm super sorry and I'm really perpetuating the Canadian stereotype right now but I REALLY AM SORRY! I SHALL NOT REST UNTIL JUSTICE IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY SERVED!**

**Sorry. Enjoy your week!**


	17. Ch 12 The One With Alois in Wonderland

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, AloisxCiel, Mey-RinxFinny, BardxYou'll-find-out, slam poetry, flower-dancing!, unfortunate side-effects of Canadian winters, the most mentally-scarring movie I've never seen, and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**This shouldn't have taken a whole week... 9: But I had projects and exams in 4/5 of my classes (you know how it is) and occasionally school takes priority over fanfiction. Occasionally.**

**Note: Jammy Dodgers, because most of you aren't British and might not read Georgia Nicolson (but kudos if you do; it's hysterical) are just biscuits with jam in them. A Jimmy Dodger is a blonde shota who might also have jam in him.**

**Disclaimer: I'm now the proud owner of a REAL ACTUAL MARSHMELLOW GUN (!) but that's all.**

**P.S. I don't know how much longer the triplets will be singing songs for. There are only so many things that rhyme with other things. Just to warn you.**

* * *

Ciel opened the courtroom door, shivering like crazy. "Why is it so bloody _freezing_ in here?" His bare knees were actually knocking together.

Meanwhile, Alois was wrapped up in a goose down duvet like the sausage in a sausage roll, and Brittany and her dog were under several layers of blankets, the judge's pajama-clad arms popping out so she could nurse a mug of hot chocolate. "The boiler's busted," she explained. "I've asked Sebastian to go fix it. I hope that's no bother."

"The damn _cold_ is a bother."

_In the basement:_

"Oh. Gentlemen."

Five horrific, rotting, hooded faces turned towards Sebastian, and then back. The Dementors continued their game of cards.

"I'm terribly sorry, but your presence is making the building a little drafty, especially since it is winter and therefore a little chilly outside already. I'll kindly ask you to leave."

The Dementors ignored him.

"Oh dear." Sebastian sighed and checked his pocket watch. "This could be troublesome. I suppose tea will have to wait."

_Back in the courtroom_:

"You can come snuggle with me, Ciel." Alois held his duvet open welcomingly. Ciel narrowed his eyes at him, making up his mind not to fall into the trap.

"Or me," Brittany offered. So naturally Ciel chose to join Alois. "Okay," Brittany continued. "I guess now we wait until Sebastian's done, seeing as his is the first charge on the docket. Great..." She twitched impatiently. "What should we do?"

Fifteen minutes later, Sebastian returned to find Alois attempting to fit Brittany under the couch cushions, and Ciel holding her dog to keep warm. "The Dementor members of your staff were playing poker in the boiler room," he informed the judge. "I have taken care of the problem, however, so you needn't worry about the temperature anymore."

"Thank you, Sebastian," Brittany's muffled voice said from inside the couch. "Hey, someone's quesadilla is in here!"

"Since the judge is currently occupied, I'll be taking care of your charge, Sebastian," Alois said.

"I think I just found the entrance to Narnia!"

Alois cleared his throat and threw on a fake Canadian accent in a formidable imitation of the judge. "Sebastian Michaelis, eh, you have been accused by Zeni S. Master of being too much like Jesus, eh! You're welcome to single-handedly incapacitate an entire branch of the Italian drug trafficking industry, wear hooker heels and make elaborate sculptures out of pastry dough, but leave walking on water to the professionals! Biblical figures and boats! How do you plead? Eh?"

"Why is Mr. Tanaka down here?" said Brittany's distant voice.

"Ho ho ho!"

Sebastian answered, "Not guilty. I have never attempted to attain Jesus status." He chuckled. "To do so would be highly ironic, don't you agree?"

Alois pursed his lips and reverted to his usual accent. "I assume at this point the judge would just press her button and un-Jesufy you, but I'm not sure where she put it..."

Brittany's muffled voice: "It's not a button."

"What?"

"It's not a button today! It's a quiche! You know, one of them tiny egg pies."

Alois scanned the room and found a small egg-filled tart on the desk. "This thing? Okay, eat it, Sebby."

Sebastian accepted the pastry from Alois, examined it, and ultimately decided that no mere mortal could possess anything powerful enough to strip him of his abilities entirely. So he ate it. And then rainbow steam shot out of his ears!

Brittany popped back up out of the couch and threw a snowball at Sebastian. He flinched to the side a moment too late and was nailed in the shoulder. Brittany clapped. "Oh good, it worked! Now he's just as incompetent as I am!"

Ciel finally deemed the goings-on worthy of his involvement. "Where did you get that quiche?"

"The trunk of Will's car. _Maintenant,_ it's time for things to get interesting! I wasn't really sure how to turn this one into a song, so I had Timber write it as slam poetry. I hope that's okay."

With Thompson on bass, Canterburt on bongos, and Timber on a stool with some cool shades and a beret, the charge was delivered like so:

_Three years,_

_TEACUP,_

_A hero and his damsel in distress,_

_Neither rewarded nor rewarding,_

_What_

_the_

_hell, man?_

_The second season's over and you leave us hanging,_

_Like leaves, kind of, but maybe more like wind chimes, expect disappointed wind chimes._

_Or um... what're those things called... For when you're trying to—_

"Timber."

"Right."

_Also you never had a threesome with Alois._

_CAT,_

_You must be, Ciel. And_

_DOG,_

_You must, Sebastian._

_And uh, walk the walk and whatever,_

_Our golden-haired boy gets free-reign,_

_And he who ate the quiche_

_Shall remain_

_Within four feet away,_

_From he who meows reluctantly,_

_To learn the error of his ways through irony._

_Uh, the end._

Alois snapped his fingers approvingly.

Brittany said, "Everybody clear? Good."

Ciel squeezed Brittany's dog threateningly. "I'd rather not be stuck _meowing_ for another day. It was bad enough the first time."

"There was no mention of speech. All you're required to do is act cat-like. So, lazing around and getting scratched behind the ears and licking yourself." As she said this, Ciel's cat appendages reappeared on him, minus the enchantments from the other day. A pair of floppy black lab ears popped out of Sebastian's hair, and a swishy lupine tail sprouted between his swallowtails.

"That's a waste of time," Ciel murmured, slightly distracted by his suddenly more interesting butler.

"Everything we do here is a waste of time! You should be used to it by now."

"Ho ho ho."

Ciel opened his mouth to protest further, but was cut off by a sudden draft that made his teeth chatter. "W-what the hell? I thought you f-f-fixed that!"

Brittany shivered and dug up a pair of red mittens from somewhere. "Maybe the boiler really is broken..." Ciel smacked her from across the couch with his tail. "Sebby, have you got your ears on?"

Sebastian's tail automatically wagged at the sound of his name. "Yes," he answered, remembering to stick his tongue back in his mouth. It flopped back out.

"Good. Now go sit somewhere far away from Ciel."

Ciel, slightly miffed at his lapse of self-control and poor judgment the other day, nodded in agreement. "Do as she says, Sebastian. Sit!" He had to admit the sight of his generally impervious butler temporarily reduced to a mere mutt was amusing. Perhaps Alois' sadism was rubbing off on him...

"Here's another one from Zeni," Brittany said. "And mleleamur too, as of not that long ago. Thompson, Timber, Canterburt, if you wouldn't mind again?"

The triplets sighed. One of them turned to Thompson and said almost inaudibly, "I thought you said this was a one-time gig only."

"C'mon, guys, we need exposure. We can't produce an album without exposure."

"Yeah, but this is crap," the other said.

"Just do it, man! This is how the industry works." And so they rapped:

_One fine English day Ciel fell down a hole, (ahhhh...!)_

_He flew through a door and had tea with a vole. (that's British for 'field mouse')_

_A beast and a turtle and a duchess he met. (BLACK PEPPER!)_

_Many a critter and person and yet, (check it)_

_One blonde and one butler hath failed to appear, (the second we could do without)_

_In this whimsical world, so utterly queer, (in both meanings of the word)_

_And as evidence suggests they will never show, (but what do we know?)_

_It is up to the courtroom to make it so! (come hither, King of the Shotas!)_

_Join us in Wonderland, where everything's odd, (and trippy and weird)_

_Come visit Alois, and his butler Claude. (now there's a recipe for a good time)_

_Among the most beauteous flowers they wait, (eh?) _

_For oblivious Alice to appear for their date! (and we're off!)_

When the triplets finished, a hole opened up in the couch/desk on either side of Brittany, and the two boys vanished into them with startled shouts. Sebastian accidentally barked.

_In Wonderland:_

Ciel landed with a _thud_ in a large patch of sun-warmed dirt. Grateful for the sudden heat, he almost didn't notice that his attire had been swapped for the frilly, outlandish costume his fiancée, Lady Dormouse or whatever she called herself, had dressed him in the last time he'd been here. When it did come to his attention, he found himself surprisingly placid about it. Perhaps the abrupt absence of cat appendages helped his mood.

Upon hoisting himself to his feet, Ciel found that the patch of dirt was in fact the beginning of a road. He decided that the obvious choice was to follow it. It was either that or veering off into the forest on either side, composed primarily of bizarre trees with thin, flat green trunks and no canopies. So follow it he did.

After long, peaceful minutes of a sunlit stroll, free of Dementors and drug-administering Canadians, Ciel came across a break in the forest. Flowers twice as tall as any man towered before him, soaking in the sunshine just as he'd been not moments ago. There were no patches of any single species—each blossom was as unique as the one next to it. The medley of bright colours and shapes was almost enough to make him dizzy.

"What's this now?"

Ciel jumped. The flowers nearest him tilted their centers in his direction, revealing faces reminiscent of human women. Some appeared old and wise, some younger, but one caught his eye. The face of a boy, on a pale golden lily-like blossom about twelve feet away. He was the one who'd spoken.

Now all the other flowers were chattering amongst themselves. Ciel could hear the initial question repeated several times as well as rhetorical inquiries that he couldn't have been expected to answer, as they weren't directed at him. "Come here," the lily ordered. He wasn't nearly as tall or as intimidating as the others. "Come play with me!"

Curious, Ciel did as told. The lily beamed at him.

"Oh, what an exquisite shade of blue... It's been many a year since I've seen petals so lovely," the lily said as Ciel approached.

Ciel glanced around, realized the lily had been talking to him, and fingered a lock of his own hair. "These aren't petals. This is my hair!"

"Did you know that some flowers reproduce asexually? That's not really for me though. Would you care to uh, accept my _pollen_ into your _stigma_?"

"No thank you."

Suddenly, what Ciel had mistaken for a run of the mill twig—mind you, a ten foot tall twig jammed upright in the dirt, wearing... spectacles—opened his mouth to speak. "Master, I don't think he's a flower."

"Hmm?" The lily had arched his stem to sniff Ciel's hair, which the blue-haired boy hadn't even noticed with the mystery of a talking bespectacled stick before him. "That's a nice fragrance."

"He isn't a flower."

"But of course he is! He's beautiful," the lily insisted. "I wonder how he tastes..."

Ciel tried to shake off his surprise and said, "You're not supposed to ingest unidentified plants, you know."

"Oh. Then what is your name?"

The stick interrupted. "This is Alice. Haven't you heard?"

"I'm Alois," said the lily.

"No, _Alice._ Not Alois."

"Well what the fuck! Then why aren't I the one in the blue onesie?"

"You're dead," said the stick.

"I see. So I was reincarnated as a flower then! Lalalalala..." Alois the lily began some sort of flower dance wherein he flapped his leaves about and rocked his petalled head from side to side.

Ciel watched this exchange in mild confusion. He chose to correct the one mistake he'd recognized. "I'm not Alice. I'm Ciel."

Alois paused his flower dance. "Well there you go! Now you aren't unidentified!" He leaned forward again, opened his mouth in a wide grin and ran his floppy flower tongue up the side of Ciel's face. While Ciel grimaced at the alien mixture of sparkly pollen and something wet and grassy-smelling that he'd been glazed with, Alois resumed his dancing.

"I'm leaving now," said Ciel.

"I'll come with," the lily declared. Ciel was about to point out that he was rooted to the ground when, in a puff of purple smoke, the lily lost about four feet of height and traded in his stem for the lanky—but still soft—body of a young boy in his rapeable prime. He still had an array of petals about his face, making him look like a gay lion with a great hair stylist. As Ciel stalked away—as best as one can in a frilly apron and Mary Janes—Alois skipped along behind him.

"Where are we going? Are we there yet? I have to pee!"

"Then go pee."

"Ooh, that's so kinky, Ciel." Alois punched the boy playfully in the arm. "Are you going to watch?"

"No! What? What are we talking about?"

"Where are we going? Are we there yet?"

Ciel stopped walking and started his count-to-ten-breathe-in-breathe-out routine. Alois ran into him and tried to take advantage of the ensuing commotion by grabbing Ciel's ass. "Alois!"

"Yeah?"

Ciel swatted at the boy, who was now nuzzling his neck. "Please go back to being a flower!"

"No way! That was fucking weird! This place is fucking weird, hey, Ciel? Or did you just want to have freaky weird flower sex?"

Unbelievable. "I'm not a _flower_."

"You'll always be my flower," Alois said, which might've been touching if he hadn't made his voice all growly and gremliny and said it right in Ciel's ear. Then he let Ciel go and started cackling.

Suddenly, dog-Sebastian, Brittany, Thompson, Timber, Canterburt, Tanaka, and Sammie fell from the sky and landed in a dog human demon demon demon midget dog pile at Ciel's feet.

"I never got to finish explaining mleleamur's request," Brittany said as she stood and brushed the dirt from her pajamas. "I should probably just read it, because everything she says is like magic. If she were in Ancient Greece they'd make her an oracle without her having to be high all the time! That being said, what she wrote was, 'Anyway, I'd like to accuse sexy jimmy cracks corn (and I DO care) of not showing his sexiness at all in the "Ciel In Wonderland: Part I" special. He wasn't there, and it made me sad. I MEAN, CIEL'S WEARING A SEXY LITTLE ALICE COSTUME. AND HE MISSED IT. I am in a shiny happy fit of rage.' Thus Jim Shady should be sharing his sexiness with all of Wonderland. Jimmy Dodger, have you been sexy enough?"

Alois shrugged. "Dunno. It just comes effortlessly, so I don't keep tabs."

Brittany turned to Ciel. "Has he been sexy enough?"

"What are you all _doing _here?"

"The Dementors came back and now Sebby can't chase them away because he ate the un-Jesufy quiche. So it's cold. _Thus_, we've decided to conduct court here for the rest of the day!"

Ciel muttered under his breath, "Just when Wonderland was starting to seem preferable..."

"Shall we walk?" Brittany suggested. "I'd love to look around, and Sebby needs his exercise." As she said this, Sebastian came trotting back from somewhere with a bespectacled stick between his jaws.

Timber clapped. "Ooh, we get to go sight-seeing!" He and Thompson high-fived.

So they all walked for like an hour, with the triplets pointing out all the interesting flora and fauna and various roadside attractions, and then digging around in their backpacks for their cameras so they could take pictures of each other making peace signs and silly faces in front of them and do that thing where you lean back in front of a tower just so, so that it looks like you have a massive trouser snake addendum made of tower things.

Lots of small talk was made. Eventually Brittany started flipping through her papers like she usually did. "Hey, Ciel? Zeni wants to know if you enjoyed yourself at Alois' party."

"I told you, I don't—"

"He did," Alois supplied. "Ciel, give me a piggyback."

"No."

Brittany asked, "Where'd your cat appendages go?"

"The couch must've lost my luggage," Ciel said. Then the ears and tail he'd so gratefully rid himself of popped back into existence. "Oh. There they are."

Brittany kept reading. "Oh! And I get a flat found-under-the-couch cake for my fic! Rockin'!" A flattish cake fell from the sky into her outstretched arms. "Hm. Still good."

Timber said, "Oh my gawd, Thompson, did you see that giant cockatiel? So magestic..."

"Ho ho hey!" One second Tanaka was padding along behind everyone, the next he was scooped up in the massive claws of the cockatiel. But luckily, Sebastian dropped his bespectacled twig and leapt all heroically into the air and saved him.

"This is good cake," Brittany said over a mouthful of the baked good. "Hey look! Sheep!" She pocketed her papers, put the cake in her bag and took off for a field at the side of the road. "MUTTON FOR EVERYONE!"

Ciel shouted at her, "Don't be ridiculous! You can't—"

"I LOVE MUTTON!" Alois declared and ran off as well.

Sebastian barked and chased after them with his twig, and the triplets shouted after their master and followed him into the grass.

"Finally..." Ciel said with relief. Then the cockatiel picked him up and dumped him with the rest of his idiots.

"Oh my cod," Brittany was saying, "their wool is cotton candy!" She began grabbing fistfuls of the stuff and sharing it with Sammie.

Alois watched her in disgust. "Huh, I'm not much for eating sweets myself." Then he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Unless it's Ciel."

Ciel said nothing and surreptitiously stole a handful of candy wool.

"HOLY SHITSTICKERS, what is THAT?" one of the triplets shouted and pointed over the hills.

And looming over the land, with footfalls as loud as thunder, a face as nauseating as a blob fish, and bellows like hurricanes (no, wait a second, perhaps not quite hurricanes, and not even a light shower now that I think about it, but maybe more like a drippy faucet in it's annoyingness and waste of precious resources, yes, that's the one), was none other than the monstrosity of Greek myth himself—the CYCLAUPS!

"Who dares to dine on the candy floss wool of my flock," he demanded in a totally emotionless monotone.

Brittany answered: "The mother-fuckin' judge, that's who!" Ciel told her to shut _up._

"Well that's not cool, bra. You're all my prisoners now."

"Nice going," Alois said to Brittany.

In no time at all, all ten members of this chapter's party were secured within the Cyclaups' cave, behind an unmovable stone disk. The cotton candy sheep were among them, bleating and nibbling at Ciel and Brittany's sticky fingers. The Cyclaups was stomping about and inspecting his prisoners like pieces of meat. He was trying to decide whom of them to eat first.

"This isn't how the_ Odyssey_ went," Brittany informed him.

"What."

"You weren't supposed to find us yet; we were supposed to wander into your cave ourselves in search of a host to treat us to gifts and food. That's just how the Greeks roll."

"We're not in Ancient Greece," Ciel felt the need to remind her.

"Enough of your banal chatter. I hunger for the blood of mortal men. Now," the Cyclaups leaned in to make his choice, "who shall I take."

"Well," Thompson said, "I'm low in caloric content and am therefore the suitable choice for anyone watching their figure. However, I taste like cardboard. Timber here is made of richer stuff, but you might get bloated. And Canterburt there is terribly spicy. I wouldn't recommend him."

Alois squinted at the beast. "Is this supposed to be Claude?"

"I am Cyclaups."

"Yeah, we know that. No, see look," he grabbed Ciel by the arm and pointed at the Cyclaups' single bulging eye. "Pee-coloured. That's him, right?"

"I guess so. But I thought he was the twig Sebastian's been hauling around."

Sebastian double-checked his bespectacled stick, whined, and lay down with his hands over his head.

"He _was_ the stick," Alois said. "And now he's also the Cyclops." He widened his eyes and looked at Ciel very seriously. "_At the same time._"

"Sugar into sheep, a man-demon into wood, and a miniscule human into an hors d'oeuvre," said the Cyclaups.

"Does that mean he's decided?" Brittany was asking as the giant picked her up like a macaroni noodle and held her up to his ucky Claudish face. "Hey! Don't eat _me_, I don't have very much meat on my bones! I thought you liked little boys!"

"That's why he _isn't_ eating us," Ciel said helpfully.

"Put me down! I can't deliver your sentence if you eat me!"

"Good negotiating," Alois chimed in. He and Ciel were actually quite entertained, to the point where Ciel hadn't noticed a certain blonde's hand creeping around his waist.

Rarely one to shirk her duties, whilst dangling twenty-some feet above the ground and trying to kick herself away from the Cyclaups' open jaws, Brittany retrieved her papers so she could read. "Starcatrose wants you to suffer for annoying Sebastian to the point of unintentional-deforestation and just being ANNOYING in general! Luckily, the punishment is up to Sebby and Ciel, so even when I've been ingested YOU WILL PAY!"

Sebastian barked, cleared his throat, and said, "Might I make a suggestion?"

"By all means," Brittany said. The Cyclaups placed her on his tongue like a Listerine strip and she started swearing at him. "DO YOU EVER BRUSH YOUR FUSKING TEETH, YOU RISTUPIDICULAME OGRE? THIS IS DISGUSTING! YOUR MOTHER WOULD BE ASHAMED!"

"If the objective is to inflict discomfort on Faustus here, then we are presented with a perfect opportunity to do as Odysseus' men did in Greek lore. We can stab Claude in the eye with Claude."

Ciel nodded approvingly. "It's educational."

"Okay! Yes! Do it do it do it!" Brittany yelled down.

And so Sebastian set about building up a massive fire and sharpening the end of Claude-stick, who appeared to have found his voice once again—which he demonstrated by making monotonous death threats and going, "aaaaahhh." Once his head had been shaved to a spear-like point, he was thrust into the fire to harden and grow hot (hurr hurr). Sebastian stealthily held the makeshift weapon behind his back and said, "Excuse me, Cyclaups Faustus, but would you like to hear a secret?"

The Cyclaups raised his only eyebrow and bent down. Brittany tuck-n-rolled from his mouth and landed amongst the cotton candy sheep. "What kind of secret," the Cyclaups asked.

"Well, it's more of a joke really, but it is worth hearing nonetheless."

Cyclaups leaned in closer.

"What do you call it when two giraffes collide?"

And closer...

"A giraffic jam!" And with that totally irrelevant pun said, Sebastian revealed the sharpened Claude-stick and drove it into the Cyclaups' eye.

The Cyclaups' howls of pain echoed off the cave walls, sending the sheep into a panic. "I'm sorry, me! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," the stick was saying. Then they cut off abruptly and the giant stopped clutching at his bleeding eye. "Wait, does this dramatic freak-out make me more of a pussy than Hannah?"

"'Fraid so," Alois said.

"Oh. Well, in that case, this does not hurt in the least."

But he was obviously lying, so after the triplets removed the stone blocking the cave entrance, everyone left feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Except for Alois maybe, but he'd placated himself by latching onto Ciel and cuddling the boy's tail so that he couldn't be pushed away without the appendage getting yanked.

"Oh my, it's dark already," Brittany mumbled. "No matter, though, now we can have our movie night!"

They walked long enough for Alois to start complaining and Thompson to give him the piggyback requested earlier, when a couch very much like the one in the courtroom appeared in their path. Except this one was upside down. It hung bottom-up from the sky, inviting them all to return to normality, or at the very least, what passed for it within the courtroom walls.

Sebastian hopped up first, and as he was under court orders to stay out of Ciel's biz-natch, it was up to Alois and Brittany to hoist the blue-clad cat-kid up into the couch. Sammie was passed up, the triplets all followed after, and Tanaka produced a Mary Poppins-esque parasol so he could float up. The couch vomited them all back into the courtroom.

Finnian was standing off to the side, shivering despite the warmth and looking a little worse for wear, but pleased nonetheless.

Wait a sec...

"It's warm," Ciel observed.

"There were cold people in the basement," Finnian said. "I got rid of them because they were making the young master's place of business uncomfortable!" He beamed proudly.

"Thank you, Finnian."

"You're a winner, Finnian!" Brittany added. "But I'm afraid Misery's Prescription has a charge for you."

"Oh?" The gardener began nervously twisting his hands in front of him. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Well..."

The triplets sighed knowingly, and sang their final charge of the day.

_Finny, you're an epic wimp!_

_You're mighty strong for such a shrimp!_

_You while your heart is strong as well,_

_The slightest bump can make you yell._

_So grow a pair and take your seat,_

_We're watching _The Human Centipede!

"GATHER ROUND, CHILDREN!" Brittany called from inside one of the court's side rooms. The wall opposite the door was dominated by a large projection screen, and the projector itself hung down from the ceiling. Couches and chairs had been set up to make the place homier.

"Since when does this place have a private theatre?" Ciel asked.

"Since I was told the entire cast had to watch this creepy movie. Now, everyone take your seats! Sebby, remember not to touch Ciel, no matter how much he may scream or try to cling onto someone. Which reminds me," the judge pulled a familiar yellow button from behind her back, "Monochrome Cloud asked that, because you're a repeat offender, you be sentenced again for your man-whoring. Today you'll be gender-bended." She pressed the button, the usual keening noise, flash, and power-surge ensued, and dog-Sebastian was replaced by dog-sexy French maid.

"Oh dear, not this again," she murmured.

"Yeah this again. Now you'll know what it's like to be an innocent lady who gets forced into something terrifying that might end up being okay but is still kind of rotten. ROLL FILM!"

The triplets claimed the sofa back and center, Alois commandeered The Armchair—where he promptly pulled Ciel onto his lap—and Brittany and Sammie a beanbag chair at the front. Finny was placed on a loveseat beside them, and the lady who was Sebastian stayed in the back. Bard, Mey-Rin, the Undertaker, Arthur, Grell, and various other cast members filed in and made themselves comfy as the opening scene played on the screen.

_3 minutes later:_

"Don't get out of your car, you dipshits! There are worse things than creepy German rapists out there!"

_And later:_

"Told you so."

"This is scary," Finny whimpered, and buried his face in his hands. Mey-Rin was holding onto him for dear life though, so that was a nice bonus. Bard, oblivious to the gender-bending that'd occurred prior to the film's start, was trying to chat up the French maid in the corner.

_Later still:_

"Ew ew ew ew!" said Grell.

"I feel nauseous," Ciel mumbled.

"Oh god, OH GOD she's eating it! Ugh!" Brittany promptly shut her eyes.

The triplets kept casually crossing their arms and scoffing indifferently and saying, "Yo, this ain't so bad," but they were clearly telling big fat porkies.

"Fascinating..." the Undertaker murmured.

_Laterer:_

"WHY IS HE LICKING THAT?"

"Run, freak, run!"

Ciel groaned and instinctively buried his face in the crook of Alois' neck. The blonde chuckled and petted the boy's hair. "Look at that pathetic thing go."

"RUN FASTER!"

_The end:_

Brittany blinked. "That's it? They're ending it there?"

"Not a moment too soon," Ciel muttered. He was looking a little pale.

Finnian was frozen stiff in his chair. "Finny?" Mey-Rin said, trying to make him face her.

"That was horrible..." he said so quietly it was barely intelligible. He flung his hands up and yanked frantically at the roots of his hair, his green eyes swimming with wet fear. "It's like _that place _all over again! Why would anyone make me watch that!"

"Uh, oh, Finny..." Mey-Rin began flapping her hands in a panic. She settled on grabbing the gardener and hugging him to her, smashing his face against her chest. That helped considerably.

"Mnnhhhh unhhmm mnnn," he mumbled.

"It was just a movie... Shhh..."

Brittany checked her watch. "And I _still_ don't have time for my Top Secret Mission! Drat!" She stumbled back into the courtroom, returned to the top of her desk, and addressed the reviewers once more. "That's all for today, folks. I want to thank you all profusely for the TOTALLY MIND-BLOWING amount of reviews we've gotten up to (!x20) I remember when there were only two of them..." She paused to wipe a tear from her eye. "You guys are too wonderful!"

"Wait a sec!" Alois said, popping out of the theatre with Ciel draped sleepily over his back. "I have an ironic fun fact for everyone!"

"What?"

"_The Human Centipede_ was inspired by a running joke the director made about child molesters being punished by having their mouths stitched to the assholes of fat truckers! Isn't that amusing?" He looked implicatively at Sebastian.

"Very. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE!"

* * *

**I feel like I forgot something... Oh yeah. **

"'M tired," Ciel murmured. It would seem the day's unnecessary field trip had taken quite a toll on his vitality.

Alois turned his head so that he came nose-to-nose with the boy just barely hanging on to him, and risked letting go of one of Ciel's legs to cup his cheek. Ciel blinked slowly. "You're adorable when you're tired," Alois told him.

"Thank you."

Alois grinned. He suspected Ciel had long surpassed mere tiredness to the point of overtiredness, that glorious high where commercials you've seen a thousand times are suddenly hilarious and you become prone to acute displays of sentimentality. Ciel's 'overtired' usually consisted of him becoming all cuddly and lovable, or such was the theory Alois was working on, anyway.

Perhaps his _theory_ could do with a little hands-on experiment...

"You're quite welcome," he said. He let his thumb drop from Ciel's cheek to rest on his lower lip, brushing it along the curve of soft pink flesh. Ciel unconsciously leaned into Alois' palm and made no attempt to jerk away when the blonde leaned in, replacing his thumb with a smirk.

Having been held to a strict bedtime for three years, Ciel's thought process was rather hazy by this time of night. All he registered was sudden closeness and warmth, and not the bad kind of closeness but the kind he associated with a goodnight kiss from a parent. It was comforting.

And then it quickly became the sort of thing one _doesn't _want to associate with their parental figures. Encouraged by his lack of resistance, Alois had deftly swung Ciel around his body like it was a stripper pole so that they were now properly face to face. Ciel blinked in surprise, and the next thing he knew they were back in that room where the centipede had been, on a couch, and he was lying on top of Alois with his face in the blonde's hands.

"Look at you, you're so out of it," Alois giggled. "Is that your weakness then? Missing your bedtime?"

"I'm really tired," Ciel repeated. He was pulled in for another kiss—the open-mouth, highly intimate kind that you _definitely_ don't want to be thinking about mum and dad during. His sore eyes drooped shut and he found it harder to hold his weight over Alois. Perhaps it'd be comfier just to...

Alois opened his eyes. "Ciel?" The only response was a soft snore. Really? The little bugger had actually fallen asleep. Right on goddamn top of him.

Alois sighed and shifted their bodies so that they were both lying on their sides. This was fine too, he supposed.

The sleeping boy's arm somehow found its way over Alois' hip. Yeah, this was fine.

* * *

**Happy Hanukkah, VampAnimeLover254 (and all our other Jewish friends)! I hope the fluff was adequate :)**

**Anyway, while doing my research for Finny's charge, I didn't even watch **_**The Human Centipede**_** (I just watched Daniel Tosh's SPOILER ALERT 25 minute summary of it) and I'm still highly disturbed and will probably have nightmares tonight. Thanks, Misery's Prescription. Your penname is misleading. :o**

**So, the Christmas party! If you like to dress up, get drunk, eat a lot of delicious Chrimbo food and partake in impromptu snowball wars, by all means review! Same dealio as last time: describe your outfit and predicted behaviour, and if you don't know what to wear you should check out Polyvore (they have some wicked cool dresses). I also foresee a massive game of Capture the Flag (ninja-ing around the massive Trancy manor in the dark, oh yeah!). It'll be fun times. And the more guests, the merrier! Even if you only want one sentence about yourself! You can even write it! Hell, give me a piece of dialogue and I'll cram it in there! I will accept ANY CHALLENGE!***

**I have to set a cut-off date though because it gets difficult and awkward stuffing in guests where they weren't before. You all have until the uh... the 17****th****. Cool?**

**And I have a mission for you all, should you choose to accept it. Go to deviantArt and look up madeleine_elizabeth, because you will piss yourself laughing at her Kuro stuff. And if you've already seen it, you know what I mean.**

**Review! Do it! Spread the holiday cheer! LALALALALA—**

***not guaranteed.**


	18. The KKC Cracktacular Christmas Bash pt1

**I love you guys so very very much, or at least as much as one stranger can love many other strangers over the internet, but these things are EXHAUSTING. I don't know if I'll do any more for awhile, not that there are many major holidays after New Years... I do hope you feel the love though, and the holiday cheer and all that. ****MERRY CHRISTMAS! FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA—**

**Anywho, this is going to be a ridiculously long one. So go pee now (especially because people keep informing me my fic makes them nearly piss themselves), grab a beverage (perhaps some Tylenol as well), put on your Christmas socks and make yourselves comfortable! We're all going to be here awhile.**

**Contains all the usual things, most of which I don't own. Have fun~!**

**Also, if anyone suffers at the words of one Alois Trancy, just know he doesn't mean it and is like that to most people anyway. And my sincerest apologies if I forgot anything anyone said; there were just so many reviews and it was hard to keep track of them all... :d**

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* * *

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8:15 pm

"Alois, there's a chimney trying to force liquor down my throat."

This was said by a certain blue-haired boy in his holiday finery and antlers—which, due to their linear shape, had the effect of making him look more like a Wooper than a reindeer. It was also said in such a matter-of-fact way that Alois was unsure of the course of action he was expected to take.

The blonde adjusted his Santa hat. "If you say so. Hey! That bloody tart is dressed like me!" He strutted up to a starry-eyed girl in a Santa dress, complete with a little snow cape, boots, and of course, the hat.

She was standing hands-clasped before Sebastian with a grin that made onlookers' cheeks hurt. "Well you see, Sebastian, I was just wondering which shampoo you use. Your hair is always so lovely!"

"Excuse me," Alois said.

"Why thank you, miss—Chocolate Ribbons, was it? I greatly appreciate the compliment." The butler bowed deeply before her.

"Mind if I pet it?"

"By all means." Sebastian stayed bowed so she could feel his epic ebony locks.

"Awesome!"

"EXCUSE ME."

Sebastian and Chocolate Ribbons looked at Alois.

"You stole my outfit," Alois said. As he was saying this, Ciel appeared behind him and said, "I was just telling you because I was wondering if you knew where Seb—oh."

The girl smiled sheepishly. "But you're not even dressed like Santa, really, you're just wearing the hat."

"Then give me your hat!"

She debated this, ultimately deciding to comply. "It is the season of giving, I suppose."

Alois snatched her hat. "Thank you. Merry Christmas." He then spotted Emily—more commonly known as mleleamur—wearing a sluttier version of the generic Santa dress. Except for the hideous Christmas sweater overtop. "Hey!" he yelled at her.

"Is for horses!" she yelled back.

"Who told you you could wear that? I'm supposed to be the only Santa Claus around here!"

At which point Zeni S. Master burst into the Trancy manor's lavishly decorated lounge with a neko'd version of her beloved Miharu Rokujo struggling to follow. She was decked out in red jeans, a green cardi, yellow Chucks and a red beanie, he in double fox tails with a loaded wagon tied to his waist. "I brought gifts!" Zeni said.

"What're you gonna do about it?" Emily asked Alois, raising her hands in challenge.

"_I'm_ gonna DANCE!" he answered in a formidable imitation of Freddy Benson.

"Sebastian, there's a chimney trying to get me intoxicated," Ciel said.

"GIFTS? I LOVE GIFTS!" xMaddie popped out of the sofa cushions and bolted towards the door. A girl in a white dress with a red bow around the middle somersaulted in out of nowhere and halted upright in front of Zeni's gift wagon. "A noise annoys an oyster, but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more," she said, and adjusted the white rose in her hair.

"Tru 'nuff," said xMaddie. "Hm, I don't believe you were at the Halloween party. I'm xMaddie."

"I'm xJudy."

"Do we know each other?"

"I'm not sure. Would you care to dance on tables and sing pop songs later?"

"Sounds SPIFFING!"

Sebastian smiled at his antlered master. "I imagine you'd like me to do something about this chimney?"

"The fact that you had to ask disappoints me," Ciel replied tonelessly. He's just the life of the party, isn't he?

"As you wish, my lord."

"Are you really going to dance my outfit away?" Emily asked.

"No," Alois said. "But I fell asleep watching the dance episode of _iCarly_ and have been accidentally quoting it all day."

"Aw, you're just _too cute!_" she exclaimed giddily and attempted to gather her beloved shota into a hug.

It was then that Anna B-nana showed up with her plastic man-shaped satellite at her heels. "Is it time to exchange gifts already?"

Drocell smiled a creepy grin. "If so, I have something for everyone." The doll-maker began moving stiffly about and handing several of the guests tiny porcelain versions of themselves.

Emily looked at hers, held it up to the light, and shook it. "Huh."

"Is this supposed to be me?" Alois asked.

Drocell took a second look at it—a blonde doll in a black suit, clearly female. "Oh, I apologize. That one belongs to Alois _Tranny_." He rummaged around in his sack and produced the proper doll. "This one is yours."

"Hm. I'm gorgeous."

"Trade you," Emily offered.

"Bring me Ciel's. Then we'll talk."

Brittany finally showed up, totally overdressed in a strapless slip under a generous draping of airy purple-gold silk. "Wait a second, guys, we're supposed to be playing Capture the Flag. Gifts are later."

Zeni directed her OC towards another gift. "For reals? But some of these would come in such handy." xMaddie was handed a rectangular package, which she promptly tore apart.

"Oh OSSUM!" She held up a marshmellow gun of her very own. "I didn't even ask for this one!"

Zeni skipped up to Monochrome Cloud next, who was sporting shorts, sneakers, and a jacket—all black—and a white shirt. The former handed over a randomly selected box and exclaimed, "It's a gift!"

Brittany followed. "Hold on, Capture the Flag isn't supposed to be played with guns."

"Then what should I do with this?" Monochrome Cloud asked, holding up a replica of the gun that guy with the bagel jacket has in _Black Cat_.

"Jeezus!" Brittany blurted and flinched back.

Emily snagged Alois by the hand. "C'mon, Alois, let's PARTY!"

The grate of a nearby ceiling vent popped open and KaZe appeared out of it, dressed like a Christmas Dementor. "Can I join?"

"That reminds me, Alois," Anna chimed in. "I made you an Oreo whipped cream cake. You know, to smooth things over between us."

The blonde looked flustered. "Why is everyone vying for my attention?" He caught himself and chuckled, "Well, I know _why_, heh, I'm Alois fucking Trancy, but this is supposed to be Ciel's birthday party too! Doesn't anyone want to bug _him_?"

A girl dressed like a Christmas tree with all the trimmings and a train trailing along behind her (like, an _actual_ train, not a dress train) swaggered up with a half-empty bottle of Catnip Tequila. "I do," she said.

Monochrome Cloud opened her present. "Wicked! A Wacom tablet!"

xMaddie had just attacked a second gift. "OHMYGODLINESS, I got a cotton candy maker too! Just like I asked for!"

"I got a popcorn machine! Just like _I _asked for!" xJudy said.

"This is uncanny," xMaddie added.

"Is this the chimney?" Sebastian asked Ciel, pointing to Lindsay, who was not a school bus of any sort today. No, this evening she was covered from head-to-toe in a cardboard box that resembled a brick façade, and rather than a cartoon student with awful humor in her belly, she had the fat lard himself, SANTA CLAUS!

A half-empty bottle of vodka popped up through the chimney. "CIEL! BOTTOMS-UP!" Lindsay shouted. She'd developed a bit of a slur already.

Ciel crossed his arms. "Tell her no, Sebastian. She won't listen to me."

Sebastian bowed. "Yes, my lord. Miss? Ciel says, 'No'."

"Tell 'm it's GOOD for him!"

Sebastian turned back to Ciel. "She says it's good for you."

"I heard that! Tell her it's not, and then make her sit in the corner or something."

Sebastian bowed. "Yes, my lord. Miss? Vodka is apparently not good for you. I'm afraid we'll need to put you on a time-out until you realize so."

"Well ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR SEBASTIAN. Vodka makes one immune to time-outs!"

"Hm," said Sebastian.

"Huh," said Ciel. Then a little branch of mistletoe appeared over the pair of them and shook impatiently.

The two noticed it and frowned. "Do it!" someone in a Slytherin uniform and eating snacks with the Undertaker shouted from across the lounge.

"No," Ciel said.

"Aw," Zeni said. She was the one holding the fishing rod with the mistletoe on the hook.

A horrible screech rang out, followed by a mumbled apology and Brittany clearing her throat. "It's Capture the Flag time, guys!" she announced through a megaphone. "Everyone, gather round! Even you—" she pointed at a girl in a lace-sleeved black dress and silver ballet flats, "the chick somehow flirting with the Undertaker in the corner even though he was at this table like, five seconds ago..."

The Undertaker cackled and chucked the girl under the chin. "This one tells sublime jokes, she does."

She shot him an implicative smirk. "I wasn't kidding."

"Right," Brittany said. "If you're unfamiliar with this game, it's pretty simple. There are two teams, each with their own territory, flag, and jail. Hide your flag and sneak into enemy territory to find and steal theirs. If you're caught, you go to their jail. You can be rescued by a teammate or an announcement by the mediator—" she gestured to Mr. Tanaka. "First team to get the other's flag back on their turf wins! Everyone got it?"

Everyone got it.

"And to make things interesting, we're going to play the King's Game simultaneously. Zombie-unicorn explained this one to me: everyone grabs a stick with their eyes closed, and whoever gets the one with the star is King. Except now the starred stick will be the flags! Whoever claims a flag for their team will be King, and their word will be law! Alright?"

It was all right.

"Awesome! Alois, Ciel, you're the captains! Pick your teams!"

They picked their teams.

"The lounge is neutral territory. Game play begins at the stroke of NINE IN THE AFTERNOON! ONYOURMARKSGETSETGO!"

8:49 pm – Trancy territory

"Hide it in the dungeons, Alois! He won't want to go down there!"

"_I_ don't want to go down there," Alois countered. "They're filthy."

Zombie-unicorn held out her hand for the flag—a large rectangle of hot pink fabric. "Then I'll hide it."

"What makes you so sure Ciel will be the one coming after it?"

"He likes to win," a girl in a black and red mini-dress, by the name of VampAnimeLover254 said. "Especially if he gets to be King. He'll kill for it." She smirked. "Or something else... You never know."

A devious, shark-like grin stretched across Alois' lips. "Well, if _that's_ the case..."

VAL clapped quietly and suppressed a squeal. "I can't wait~!"

8:50 pm – Phantomhive territory

Ciel glanced down another intersection of hallways. "I have no idea where we're going," he muttered.

KaZe aimed the tinsel-adorned sleeve of her Christmas Dementor outfit down the left hall. "It's that way to the kitchen," then down the right, "and that way to the east staircase. Did you have somewhere specific in mind for the flag?"

"As far from neutral territory as possible. Oh, of course. Sebastian!" Ciel looked around for his butler. "I'll have him hide it."

From somewhere at the back of Ciel's train of teammates came Brittany's frantic rambling. "Nonono, Ciel! The demons can't play or it'll be utterly unfair! Unless they eat one of these." She held up another one of Will's un-Jesufy quiches.

"Where do you keep _getting_ those?"

"Will just sends me crates of them now."

"C'MON, Ciel, buddy ol' pal, we're s'posed to be DRINKING BUDDIES t'night!" Lindsay the chimney slurred from the boy's left side. She hoisted her bottle up again as if waving down a taxi.

Drocell lowered a Lindsay doll into the chimney. Anna peeked in and asked, "Got any rum in there?"

"You betcha, girlfrand." A bottle of rum replaced the one of vodka.

Anna took it, produced a flask of orange juice from Drocell's bag, and mixed herself a drink. "Good stuff," she commented.

"Um, I have an idea! If I might make a suggestion, Earl..." said a small voice. It was the girl in the Slytherin uniform.

"And you are?"

"Cjestarstyle, sir!" She fiddled with her robes and smiled. "I think I know where we should hide it."

9:09 pm – Neutral territory

A figure entered the lounge from a shadowed doorway with gradual, measured steps, as if wary of startling the only other being in the room. He came to a stop about three meters from the armchair facing him. "I see we had the same idea."

"We're both cheaters. And for all the credit you get for being 'unpredictable', it's becoming easier to anticipate your next move."

Alois shrugged. "I only came here because I knew you'd be waiting for me."

"My point exactly." Ciel crossed his legs and leaned back into his chair. It'd been a pain shoving it into place in front of the door, but Sebastian had taken off before the overdramatic whim struck the boy. It wasn't like him to be so showy, but defeating Alois in his own home—even at a game as asinine as this—entailed mocking him a little. "I don't suppose you'll tell me the location of your flag and accept defeat with a little grace?"

"Not on your life," Alois said with a smile. Then he laughed and took a step forward, jutting out a hip on which to rest his hand. "Not for _free_, anyway."

Ciel stood and approached the other boy. He'd ditched his antlers for the time being, so the typically impassive look on his face sent the smallest of shivers down Alois' spine. His heart had just kicked into a higher gear when Ciel brushed past him entirely. The blonde looked around and spotted Sebastian bowing in the doorway.

The butler leaned down to whisper his findings into his master's ear, despite the fact that the only present witness was Alois, and he already knew where the flag was. The unnecessary proximity irked the blonde. He stood there fuming, his strategies for the game unraveling and reweaving in his mind. Ciel would not have that flag, but he would undoubtedly have Ciel.

9:12 pm – Trancy territory

"Change of plans!" Alois barked at the triplets. The rest of his team had already run off, so he'd decided to use the purple-haired trio as his messengers. "I won't have time to find Phantomhive's flag, so I want you to bring me the most capable, _sane_ person on this team. None of those psycho little ones!" he added as the three were about to depart. "I repeat, _SANE._ Capiche?"

The triplets nodded, split up, and vanished. Timber returned a minute later with a girl in a silver brocade dress mottled with cobalt flowers and vines riding piggy-back. He deposited her at Alois' feet, and she saluted him. "Telracs1994, at your service."

"What would you do if I Frenched Ciel whilst dry-humping him?"

Telracs shrugged. "That'd be fine, I guess. Why, are you going to?"

Alois considered her squeal-free response. "You'll do. I want you to get the other team's flag. I can't do it, my servants can't do it, and I won't have some irrational sex-crazed preteen becoming King and bossing me around in my own goddamn house."

"Is that why you can't do it?"

He let out a sharp bark of a laugh and then put on his serious face. "Just do it."

"Aye aye, Captain!" She gave him double thumbs-up and retreated back into the shadows of the unlit halls.

"Now for phase two," Alois said deviously.

9:15 pm – Border 2

Ciel strode up to the second of three borders between the two territories. What he'd assumed was a crack team of semi-sane fangirls with at least a little loyalty towards him turned out to be a pair of drunks, a girl named Isabel who'd retired to a closet with _the Undertaker_ (of all people), a self-proclaimed ninja in love with Alois, and a few others who'd taken off immediately at the stroke of nine.

Right now he had said ninja (KaZe) with him as a guide (she'd somehow learned and memorized the layout of the entire manor), a fairly normal-seeming girl called The Bound Deity (dressed in black jeans and a hoodie—perfect for stealth), cjestarstyle (whose nervousness around him he found refreshing), and Brittany, in case he needed to break any rules of the game, laws of physics, etc. The four pawns were sporting blue bandanas to differentiate them from members of the other team.

On the other side of the line—just a strip of fluorescent hockey tape on the carpet—was Claude.

"Not fair!" Brittany yelled at him. "No puppy-guarding the borders! I mentioned that, didn't I?"

"You did not."

Monochrome Cloud showed up behind Claude, pulled the pistol from the holster she'd fashioned her own blue bandana into, and shot him in the head. "Ouch," he said.

"Now! While he's distracted!" someone shouted, and the five joined MC on Trancy turf. Brittany hastily stuffed an un-Jesufy quiche into Claude's bullet wound so that he'd stop giving them trouble.

They made their way down several hallways, until Ciel signaled them to a halt. "I think we need to split up," he said. "We can't sneak up on anyone in a group this big."

"But you need disposable decoys," MC reminded him.

"Especially because you can't run worth crap," Brittany added.

Cjestarstyle nodded. "And what if Alois tries to rape you? I've sworn not to let that happen!"

The Bound Deity adjusted her glasses. "I'd be happy to run off belting out songs from British puppet-based sitcoms, if you need a diversion."

Ciel contemplated this, then said, "Fine. Follow at a distance."

9:20 pm – Phantomhive territory

"Aw, c'mon! It's my _birthday!_" Emily protested as she was escorted to jail—actually the kitchen. "Well, it was a couple days ago. You should let me go as a gift! I'm not much of a threat anyway."

"Tell it to the judge!" Finny said with a smile. You could tell he'd always wanted to use that line.

"Well, I could," Emily mused, fiddling with her pink bandana, "but seeing as she's on the other team, it wouldn't do me a whole lot of good."

"Hey, Mey," Finny greeted the appointed guard. "I brought you another one." Emily went to sit on a sack of flour.

Mey-Rin shot her colleague a frantic look. "When do you think Tanaka will call Jail Break? This one keeps hitting on me." She nodded towards the only other prisoner, a girl in a black suit, her dirty-blonde hair tied up with her own pink bandana.

"Come over, Rinny, love! Let me try on your glasses again! The view was so lovely last time!"

"Please trade me jobs!" Mey-Rin begged the gardener in a whisper.

Finny pouted. "But that Chocolate Ribbons girl said I could play with her. We were gonna have a real blast ropin' up intruders!" His lip gave a little quiver.

Mey-Rin sighed. "Fine."

"Yay!" Finny skipped off.

The blonde girl popped up behind Mey-Rin and draped herself over the maid. "Just a little smooch?" she asked. "You let that epic lesbian tailor of Ciel's grope you, so this is nothing!"

While Mey-Rin was stammering and pondering the reason why lesbians kept attaching to her, Emily removed a ceiling panel and snuck out of the jail Kim Possible style.

9:27 pm – Somewhere deep in Trancy territory

Ciel froze as he heard approaching footsteps. He'd already expended all five of his decoys—after memorizing detailed directions to the flag and assuring cjestarstyle that he'd holler if Alois tried making moves on Sebastian's man, whatever she meant by that—leaving him vulnerable and alone. He needed desperately to find a hiding place.

The boy spotted an ornate, mid-sized cabinet in the hallway and prayed nothing was kept in it. Upon opening the doors he found only a couple boxes of candles and quickly wedged himself into the tight space around them as the footsteps grew louder. He'd shut the door just as the person turned the corner.

"_Ollie ollie oxen free!_" a voice called out. It bounced off the walls, high-pitched and feminine but not any of the girls'. Ciel held his breath and tried to see through the crack in the cabinet doors. It was Alois, alright. Just moseying about his own territory.

"I smell fear," the blonde continued, his voice taking on the low pitch he used when he was serious. He inhaled deeply. "Smells like Christmas!"

Ciel cringed as he started cackling. The last thing he wanted was to be found cowering in a bloody cupboard by _Alois_, but it was starting to seem like he had no other option. Ciel took a quiet gulp of air so he wouldn't be gasping for oxygen when he was found, tried to make himself look defiant, and braced himself for the inevitable flinging open of the cabinet doors.

Alois came to a halt before the cabinet, the pale skin of his thighs the only thing Ciel could see through the crack. His heart was racing now—nerves, he assumed. Alois drummed his fingers on the cabinet's polished surface and hummed to himself. "Where could the little rascal be?" he wondered aloud. "Certainly no decent-sized human being could fit in _here_."

Ciel felt his eye twitch impatiently.

"Oh well! Must be somewhere else." And just like that, the blonde continued down the hall, knocking his heel violently against the cabinet's leg as he did so. Ciel bumped his head and bit back a curse. "Damn noisy candles!" Alois shouted as he disappeared.

When he was positive Alois was gone, Ciel nudged open the doors and stumbled gracelessly back into the hall. "What the hell?" he whispered.

9:43 pm – Trancy territory

Once more Ciel had crossed paths with Alois, and again with that zombie-unicorn girl. But his teammates had turned out to be more capable than he thought. Just as Alois had been about to spot him, The Bound Deity came prancing down the hall singing about the middle class, effectively distracting him. The second time, a barefoot, rabbit-eared girl in a blue snowflake print dress had shown up. She politely introduced herself as Usagi M e m o r i e s, then yelled ridiculous jokes and one 'Your Mom' jab after zombie-unicorn, who rebutted with, "_You wanna go, snowbunny?"_ and ran after her. This left Ciel to his own devices once more.

As he turned the final corner, relieved by the lack of guards, he felt a sudden pang of déjà vu. This damn house... Had he been to this room before?

Gingerly, the young Earl pushed open the doors and padded into the room. He glanced around.

"Shit!"

The doors were slammed shut by a hooded figure as Alois laughed from atop his bed. He struck a match, lit the candlesticks at his bedside, then hopped down to greet his prisoner. "You can go, KaZe," he said to the door-slammer.

KaZe removed her hood and grinned sheepishly at Ciel, her blue bandana still tied ninja-style around her forehead.

"You double-crossed me!" he accused.

"Alois promised me a kiss. I'm sorry, Ciel." The blue-haired boy ignored her as she left.

Alois approached Ciel, his pace casual. "Well, Ciel... I suppose you want my flag?"

"So I can be the King of all these damn fangirls? Of course." His tone suggested little merit to the achievement, but to him, any win was a good win. Or alternatively, even the smallest failures were inexcusable.

Alois cocked his head. He was standing only a foot away, hair mussed from his Santa hat, hands clasped behind his back. "But aren't you already their king? You're Ciel Phantomhive, for Christ's sake!"

Ciel shrugged nonchalantly. "I am, but most of them are your fans. They think I'm dull and emotionless. And they think you're a psycho sex-fiend, which I guess is more desirable than someone with a little sense." The boy then frowned at his own words. Why on earth were they talking about this? Why did he care?

The blonde's on-the-brink-of-rape-face melted into his pity face. "Aw, no one loves Ciel!" he blurted, throwing his arms around the startled boy.

"Hey! Don't touch me!"

"It's okay, Ciel baby," Alois murmured into Ciel's neck. "I love you."

Ciel swallowed. "Like, the way one loves pudding? Or—"

"No! I really love you!" Alois started rocking him from side to side. "I love my little Cielly!"

"Like a brother?"

The rocking paused, then resumed. "Sure. Whatever."

* * *

**Carry on! **


	19. The KKCCCB Intermission

**Alternatively titled 'Epic Subplot Journeys That Involve Arthur Wordsmith, Edward Elric, and Lin Yao' or 'What I Did Last Week When I Should've Been Writing a Christmas Party'. **

**Read it please, it's important!**

* * *

**THE TOP SECRET MISSION**

"Arthur, it's time for our Top Secret Mission."

Arthur's face paled. He'd done his research on the so-called 'Kangaroo Court' and was now incredibly wary of any Mission he'd be put on. "What do I have to do?"

Brittany smiled. "Don't worry, it'll be easy!"

Arthur was told to narrate an epic journey of epic proportions. Here is what he said they did:

'_Twas a windy, colourless English day when the unlikely pair set out on what promised to be a trying endeavour. Their destination was no place known to man, no distant metropolis or sprawling wilds, oh no. It was a place of myth that they sought. The Great Dog Park in the Sky._

_When the young man beseeched an explanation of his younger companion, he received only remarks that would've been cryptic, had they not been delivered with a smile. She said little of use as he was led through London and to a Greyhound bus station, out into the countryside and finally, after many long hours through damp grass and skies like dryer lint, to a round patch of dirt._

"_Say the magic words," she ordered him._

"_Huh? I don't know any magic words."_

"_ALL WORDS ARE MAGIC!" she explained loudly. "And you are their Smith! Just order a staircase to appear, please and thank you."_

_So he inhaled damp air and wracked his brains for the perfect harmony of syllables and imagery that would conjure up a staircase to the sky. This must be done with great care, he knew. One did not complete such a task brashly, for the consequences—_

_The girl sighed impatiently and belted out the following:_

I didn't know what to buy Ciel for Christmas or his birthday,

So I need to get him something at the top of a tall staircase.

Build it out of stone or glass,

I don't give a shit, just make it fast!

_And just like that, a spiral staircase that stretched upwards and vanished amongst the clouds appeared. It was like nothing the man had ever seen before! He looked on in awe, trying to capture the image eternally in his mind, but the girl had snagged him by the wrist and was leading him up into the clouds before he could say anymore._

_The climb was long. The man conjured up lanterns to light their way, as it was well after dark by the time they finally reached the top. But at last, stretching out before them like a landscape painted in cottage cheese, were the endless fields of clouds in which deceased canines perpetually frolicked, played fetch, and sniffed each others' hindquarters._

_The girl cupped her hands around her mouth and hollered, "SEBASTIAN! HERE BOY!" When nothing happened, she tried again. "SEBASTIAN!"_

_The man looked on, unsure of what to do._

"_Can you whistle?" the girl asked him. "I can't whistle worth shit."_

_And so the man placed two fingers in his mouth and let out the loudest, most helpful whistle of his life, while the girl called, "SEBASTIAN! SEBASTIAN!" _

_When things were beginning to seem hopeless and several dogs had been turned away, the girl was hoarse from shouting and the man's lips were parched, the girl sighed and said, "I suppose we'll have to resort to drastic measures."_

_She removed a small tape recorder from her pocket, cranked the volume, and hit play. It was Ciel Phantomhive's voice: "I DON'T ASK SEBASTIAN FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS!" the recorder played, followed by a sloppy cut and paste of Ciel calling for the namesake of the duo's current target. "SEBASTIAN! ...deep fried in oil by SEBASTIAN! SEBASTIAN, GET ME OUT OF THIS CAKE!"_

_And at long last, a shaggy black beast came bounding up to the head of the staircase, tail-wagging and tongue flopping about delightedly at the sound of his master's voice. The girl cheered and the man sighed in relief. Their journey had been a glorious triumph, and he would probably never have to have anything to do with that damnable courtroom again!_

_The man and the girl high-fived, and together they led the black dog back down to London._

* * *

**THE RETRIEVAL OF LUCA (contains really mild FMA spoilers)**

Edward Elric lifted his boot from another unidentifiable puddle of goop. "Remind me again how I got sucked into this," he said.

"Hey," Brittany said, "I've been a devoted fan of yours for four years. The least you can do is help me save a little boy from a horrific eternity in this shithole. And you have experience wading through stomachs," she added.

"That doesn't mean I wanted to go _back_."

"What am I doing here?" Lin Yao asked. "I have homes to eat people out of and immortality to find."

"Seriously, this won't take a second! I'll feed you later if you help."

"True," Ed said. "It's taken approximately 72 000 seconds so far, and we're still empty-handed."

Brittany went on, "Plus, I think you and Lau should totally have a squint-off. And Brock."

Lin grinned. "Well that's a no contest, isn't it? I'll squint them both into the _ground_."

"I just stepped on a llama carcass..." Ed said.

Brittany whipped out a megaphone and yelled, "LUCA! WHERE ARE YOU? OLLIE OLLIE OXEN FREE!" They had been trudging through heavens-knows-what for nearly twenty hours now, and spirits were getting low. She and the boys expected nothing but more echoes, but were pleasantly surprised to hear more.

"Hello?" came a small voice.

"Luca!" Brittany shouted.

"Yes? Big brother?"

Ed blinked. His heartstrings had just been utterly tugged.

"We're going to bring you back to Jim. He misses you terribly!" Brittany told the voice.

The owner of the voice appeared out of the shadows with a little candle in his childlike hands. "I thought he'd be happy now..." Luca said sadly.

"Oh god," Ed mumbled, tearing up.

"He will be when he sees you!" Brittany assured the little brunette. She bent down to give Luca a piggy-back, straightened up, and looked expectantly at Ed. "Well?"

"Well what?"

Brittany waited.

Lin waited.

Ed blinked at them.

Luca said, "Wee~!"

"Aw jeez," said Ed.

And thus, with the power of fanfiction rule-bending, nonsense, alchemy, squinting, a little boy's smile and the power of Christmas, but mostly alchemy, the four made it out of Hannah's gross stomach in time for tea.

* * *

**Okay, back to the festivities **


	20. The KKC Cracktacular Christmas Bash pt2

**Now that that's been covered:**

**-PARTE DEUX-**

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* * *

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10:00pm – The lounge

"So who won? Alois or Ciel?"

A bunch of confused faces and shrugs. Apparently no one knew.

"I was supposed to win," Telracs explained, "but I couldn't find the darn thing! Where the heck was it hidden?"

"In the chimney," cjestarstyle said.

"Which one? This house has dozens of them."

"No, in the _chimney_."

At that moment, Lindsay and Anna were led into the lounge by Drocell and one of the triplets. The first two were wasted, and Anna was speaking in Czech. She kept saying, "_Vesele Vanoce!_"

"LOOK!" Lindsay exclaimed, holding up the blue flag, which was tied around the neck of her doll. "Lindsay doll has a cape! It's SEXY SUPER LINDSAY!"

"Then where's the pink flag?" Brittany asked.

Through the opposite door came the most peculiar looking trio of the night. Led by Shizuka Sumizome—the girl in the Christmas tree dress, now with the addition of a blue bandana—were Sebastian and Claude, neither of whom were in their uniforms. Shizuka shook out the pink flag with a flourish and waved the butlers into the room. Sebastian was dressed like a playboy bunny, and Claude was wearing the absurd lovechild dress of Spiderman and a Disney princess. They didn't look too pleased.

"I HAVE THE PINK FLAG!" Shizuka hollered drunkenly.

"Do you ever..." someone mumbled. Then a good chunk of the lounge's occupants started giggle-snorting at Claude.

Ciel and Alois finally showed up, looking not at all disheveled and with all their buttons done up correctly. Someone wolf-whistled at them. Alois clasped his hands and shook them victoriously over his head.

"We were playing chess!" Ciel quickly clarified. Then he noticed his butler and burst out laughing.

Alois laughed too. "Ciel Sourpuss Phantomhive is _actually fucking laughing!_ This is great!"

Ciel tried to form a sentence, but kept interrupting himself with more guffaws and gasps for air. Finally, when he was semi-intelligible, everyone heard him start on another one of his Humans-Are-So-Laughable rants. "She gets to be King, _KING_, and all she does is dress up the butlers! I could've done that without the goddamn flag! Ahahahaha!"

Shizuka skipped up to the boys—as well as one _can_ skip when they're covered in ornaments and lights and they've got a train chugging along behind them—and took another swig of her Catnip Tequila. "It's funny, isn't it?" She threw an arm around each of the boys' shoulders. "That's all I wanted to do though, so Ciel can have the flag now. He is the birthday boy, after all!"

Ciel gave a little smile and reached for the flag.

"OH WAIT! One more thing! I wanna name your baby!"

"Baby?" Ciel's face went blank. "Oh yeah, that thing..." Alois pursed his lips, unsure he'd like the name someone who called herself something as extravagant as _Shizuka Sumizome_ would come up with.

"I was debating between Ezra and Botata, but I think I like Botata better. That'll be his name, okay?" Then she handed over the flag.

Ciel shrugged. "Fine."

Alois blew the hair out of his eyes. "I guess that's an okay name..."

"Hooray!"

A few more people hoorayed. Then Brittany found her megaphone and announced, "It's movie time, ladies and gentlemen! Please—"

All of a sudden the doors were blasted inwards, there was a mighty roar, and then a deafening shout of, "_EVERYBODY FREEZE!" _Two figures stood in the doorway, both clad in blood-red attire. One of them was Grell, brandishing his chainsaw death scythe, the other a girl in the mostly sheer nightie and negligee he'd worn in the musical. "This is so fun!" she stage-whispered.

"Grell!" someone exclaimed.

"Emerald Line!" Brittany gasped, dramatically clapping her hands to her cheeks.

"Shut up, mortals!" Grell shouted. Then he looked at Emerald Line. "Too much?"

"A little."

The shinigami cleared his throat. "For too long I've been the butt of homophobic ridicule and hazing at the hands of that dumb girl—" he pointed at Brittany, "and so many others! Including my darling Sebas-chan, for whom I've done nothing but help." Grell sniffed a little, and Emerald Line patted his arm comfortingly. "Thank you."

"I-it's not homophobic!" Brittany was quick to protest. "I swear, I love gays! Three of my guy-friends are gay! And Adam Lambert, Trevor Borris, Andrew Johnston, Daniel Tosh, I love them all! Alec Lightwood, um, the hair stylist from _She's The Man_—!"

"BUT WHAT ABOUT _GRELL SUTCLIFFE_?" He swung his chainsaw dangerously close to the judge's face.

"Eep!"

"WHERE'S _MY_ LOVE? And why is it so despicable of me to express my feelings for Sebastian, hm? HE'S MOTHER-FUCKING ATTRACTIVE! I CAN FAWN OVER HIM IF I WISH!"

"You tell 'em!" Emerald Line cheered on, producing her own chainsaw to lean against.

"I'M TAKING THIS," Grell announced. He strode into the lounge, everyone still frozen in shock, and grabbed playboy Sebastian by the wrist.

Sebastian glanced frantically back at Ciel. "Um, Young Master, if you could..."

Ciel blinked, then started laughing again. He actually slapped his knee. "This is so unbelievably _random!_ Best birthday ever!"

"Oh dear, he's snapped," someone murmured. Someone else looked at the drunken Anna and said, "I blame you and your show." She ignored the jab and starting popping Christmas crackers with Lindsay and Chocolate Ribbons. "SCORE! I GOT A MINI BOWLING SET!"

Grell pushed Sebastian into the hall for Emerald Line to hang onto and stared all of the other guests down with narrowed eyes. His tone was hushed, measured, and not at all gay. "If any of you little prats try and come after me, I'll slice out your lungs, cut them open like popped balloons, stuff your heads in them and watch you suffocate. Any questions?"

There weren't any questions. Even though one would technically require their lungs to suffocate, therefore the threat was kind of invalid and there _should've _been questions regarding the anatomical likelihood of it all, but alas, no one had the nerve to correct him.

Grell straightened up. "Alright then. Have a fabulous evening." And with that, he, Emerald Line (who was saying, "After this, can we go chop people up?"), and their prisoner left.

It was silent for at least a minute before the chattering resumed. Brittany fainted.

10:19 pm – Alois' home theatre

Brittany brushed her fringe out of her eyes. "As I was saying before that um... interruption, we have a movie to watch. Zombie-unicorn, take it away."

Zombie-unicorn, who was dressed as one of Alois' elves with the awesome long hat and bells and the whole shebang, stepped up in front of the projection screen. "I brought a gift for everyone!" she announced, and brandished a handful of tapes. "Unbeknownst to all the guests and hosts, I installed little cameras all over Ciel's house at Halloween."

Having recovered from his fit of hysteria, Ciel frowned and muttered, "This can't be good."

"They caught _everything!_" the elf went on triumphantly. "Everyone take your seats! It's time for movie night!"

Everyone found a place to sit in the theatre while xMaddie frolicked about handing out popcorn xJudy had used her new machine to make and noogies to anyone who declined.

The film began to play. The first image on the screen showed a washroom, wherein a girl dressed as Mrs. Lovette was washing her hands and humming.

"Ooh ooh ooh!" Zombie-unicorn started bouncing in her seat. "Watch this, I played the best prank on Ciel's lawyer!"

As the girl dried her hands, a panel in the ceiling opened and the bathroom was instantly flooded with candy corn, and the lawyer disappeared in a sea of white, yellow, and orange. Zombie-unicorn fell out of her seat laughing.

Back onscreen, a banner swished down with the words "So long and thanks for all the fish!" The film then cut to a clip of Elmo/Brittany staggering through the halls and belting out a mash-up of _Teenage Dream_ and the Banana Song.

_You. Make. Me. Feel like_

_I'm a banana!_

_I'm a banana!_

_I'm a banana!_

_BABY PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME _

_And LOOK AT ME MOVE!_

"I don't remember this," said Brittany.

"You had half a glass of champagne and got totally shitfaced," Laura said helpfully. "Your tone improved but your rhyming suffered."

"Oh."

The final clip appeared to be composed of shots from at least half a dozen different angles. Ciel and Alois could be seen under the smaller boy's sheets. The images were a little grainy and the lighting was poor, but the content was clear.

Ciel face-palmed. "Oh god..."

"Hey!" Alois said. "Only _I'm_ allowed to display my sluttiness to the world!"

Forgetting the absence of his butler, Ciel yelled, "Sebastian! How did you not see those cameras everywhere!" Five seconds later a messenger owl flew in with a note that said,

_Dear Young Master,_

_I was a little... preoccupied. *accusing look at Claude* _

_It totally wasn't my fault, he's done it before and it's on film if you want proof, _

_Sebastian Michaelis._

Everyone shuddered. Claude and his stupid dress were banished from the room.

The film went on to show all the hasty foreplay and fumbling that'd occurred while the fangirls were gathering outside the door.

"Hey!" Brittany interjected, "What did I say about keeping Christmas rated G?"

"Nothing," someone said.

"Oh. I could've sworn I mentioned it somewhere..."

Ciel's eye twitched. He turned to Lindsay and snatched the bottle of whiskey from her hand. "Give me that."

Back onscreen: Now Ciel's usual poker face was contorted in obvious pleasure, with only the slightest undercurrent of pain made obvious by his brows. Alois looked concerned, perhaps even guilty. "_Did that hurt, sweetheart?_"

All the fangirls awwww'ed.

Ciel pulled a smirk through his daze. "_Don't flatter yourself."_

IRL: Ciel took another swig of whiskey.

Brittany was mumbling under her breath, "I'm not so sure... um... morals... This is probably super illegal..."

Onscreen: Ciel was now crying out. Alois was panting and groaning, and the fangirls avidly watching this all were squealing, burying their faces in their hands, blushing like mad, etc.

A handful of anti-AloisxCiel girls just went, "Uhhh..."

Anna stood up. "Drocell and I are gonna go man the bar 'kay?" She hurried out and was followed by the aforementioned girls.

Ciel knocked back the final dregs of whiskey.

10:41 pm – the lounge

Lindsay and Ciel were sitting bright-eyed at the bar while Drocell polished glasses. "What can I get you guys?" Anna asked.

"Liquor!" they answered in unison, then burst into a fit of giggles. Lindsay tried to throw an arm around Ciel's shoulder, but her chimney box got in the way and she ended up knocking herself over. A twenty-pound cat flopped out of her chimney and set about wandering around the room.

At the other end of the bar was Laura, robed in a glittery midnight blue gown, knocking back shots and drunkenly rambling to Telracs. "I-I mean, I'm like her _best friend_, and she only even mentioned me, what, like twenty-one pages into this chapter? What the fusk?"

Telracs nodded understandingly. "She probably thought you'd understand, since you _are_ such good friends."

"I guess." Laura set down her shot glass. "I prolly wouldn't've been real keen on playing Capture the Fag anyway."

"Capture the Flag."

"That's what I said."

10:57 pm

"Okay okay—" giggling, "Alright, I'm doing it! Shsh, the words are coming!" More giggling.

_Baby, can't you see? I'm calling,_

_A guy like you s__hould wear a warning,_

_It's dangerous, I'm fallin'!_

_There's no escape, __I can't wait,_

_I need a hit. __Baby, give me it!_

_You're dangerous, I'm lovin' it!_

After which Lindsay and Ciel burst into relentless guffaws that they were unable to reign in until the chorus of _Toxic_. Lindsay chimney-bumped Ciel, trying to tell him to get his shit together. He narrowly avoided tripping on the massive roaming cat.

_With a taste of your lips_

_I'm on a ride!_

_You're toxic, I'm slipping under_

_With a taste of poison paradise_

_I'm addicted to you,_

_Don't you know that you're toxic?_

_And I love what you do_

_Don't you know that you're toxic?_

All the while Alois was sitting transfixed with several of his fangirls cuddled up to him (KaZe, zombie-unicorn, and Emily, who'd invited herself directly onto his lap). "This is trippy," he said. Someone had the foresight to film it, so Alois gave her a pat on the head.

11:34 pm

Just assume that everyone is a little tipsy at this point.

Now blasting from the speakers was a Spanish-y sounding number, to which zombie-unicorn had somehow managed to get Alois and the triplets dancing. She joined them on the makeshift stage and the three of them proceeded to flail their arms (sexily!). It was like Bollywood on crack.

"DON'T THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT ME WITH YOUR REBELLIOUS BEARD!" zombie-unicorn shouted at one point. And on and on they danced until Alois made a move to dramatically tear off his clothes. He only got as far as his shirt before Ciel tackled him and dragged him into the hall.

"Don't be such a killjoy, Ciel!" z-u yelled after them. "We were having a PARTAY up here!"

"Go Timber! Go Timber!" the other two triplets were cheering. Timber layed down some sick moves and then the song petered out.

From out in the hall everyone heard, "Ciel! What are you doing?"

Cjestarstyle ran out yelling, "No, Ciel! Your innocence! Save it for Sebby!"

Brittany came across them in the hall, with her dress tucked into snow pants and a koala bear hat on her head. She was just putting on her coat, and she looked ridiculous. "Whoa..."

Ciel looked up from his perch on Alois' lap. He'd been doing up the blonde's shirt buttons. "Yeah?"

"Wanna go build a snow fort?"

A pause. Then both boys, slightly drunk and reverting back to childhood due to the immaturity of most of the guests, jumped up and said, "Okay!"

"MINE'LL BE BIGGER!" Alois hollered as he dashed down the hall, presumably towards the front entrance.

11:59 pm - somewhere

"TEN! NINE! EIGHT!—"

"WRONG HOLIDAY!"

"OH!"

12:42 am – Fort Phantomhive

"Major Lieutenant Captain Ciel! What should we do?"

Ciel looked to his subordinate and pulled the fur-lined hood of his snow-cape tighter around his pink cheeks. "We retaliate." He waved the pink flag overhead, reminding his soldiers who the boss was tonight. "Man the stations! Increase snowball production! Prepare for fire and wait for my command!"

"Aye aye, Captain!" came the reply of Ciel's Capture-the-Flag-turned-Snow-War team. Usagi M e m o r i e s had even found a pair of shoes so she could join in the outdoor festivities.

The subordinate looked a little uneasy. "Sir, if you don't mind my saying so..."

"Bard! You'll listen to me and you'll like it! I don't care what goddamn legit war you were in!"

Bard sighed and took a drag on his cigarette. "Yes, sir."

12:43 am – Fort Trancy

xMaddie and xJudy were staggering drunkenly about the battlements, though neither of them had had a drop of alcohol. They were singing _Club Can't Handle Me_ at the tops of their lungs.

"Gentlemen!" Alois announced. "Prepare for impact! Reinforce the walls and hang onto your hats! Anyone willing to form a human shield in front of the fort in welcome to do so!"

"But it's COLD out there!" Thompson said.

Suddenly, a chirpy version of the Kim Possible theme song rang out. Emily whipped out her cell phone and answered it with, "WHAT'S THE SITCH?" after which she ran off into the night.

"FIRE!" came Ciel's order from across the way. A barrage of hastily formed snowballs rained down on Fort Trancy, knocking Alois off his tower and smacking one of the triplets in the face. Ciel was leaning over his battlement with a hand cupped around his mouth. "ALOIS? I'M SORRY, BUDDY!"

"Nggh."

"MEDICS TO THE RESCUE!" Lindsay hollered and charged across the field with the fat cat.

1:01am – back in the lounge

Everyone was snug as a bug in front of the roaring fireplace. Lindsay had managed to obtain a sobriety serum, which she produced from a plaid bag in her chimney and shared with the gathered company. Laura and the triplets were singing pretty Christmas carols, Ciel and Alois were wrapped in a blanket on a bed of fangirl laps, Isabel was snuggling with the Undertaker, Drocell was handing out the rest of his dolls, a few people were asleep, and Telracs was dutifully guarding the Christmas tree and its fake gifts, should anyone fancy to tear them apart to check for themselves.

A dusting of soot trickled down from the chimney (the actual chimney), followed by a grunt and more soot. "Hey!" Telracs said (she was guarding that too). "Get back up there, creeper!"

Zombie-unicorn chimed in, "We don't want any of you red happy-fatty men here! Screw off!"

The person fell into the fire and tumbled out onto the carpet, slapping at the flames on his skin. It was Sebastian, looking more frazzled than ever. "I got away..." he panted, still in his rabbit ears but having found a coat somewhere.

Everyone just nodded. He went somewhere to freshen up.

Brittany gave him a weird look as she passed him at the doorway. She was dragging a wagon with two large, elaborately wrapped packages in it behind her, and had kept on her koala hat in lieu of the Santa hat she'd wanted to wear to avoid setting Alois off again. "I have something for the boys!" she announced.

Alois and Ciel looked up tiredly.

"Wow, guys, contain your enthusiasm, please."

Ciel groaned and got stiffly to his feet, stretching out all the kinks in his neck. As he approached the box labelled with his name, it began rocking back and forth. "Jeez!" He jumped back. "What the devil is in there?"

"Open it!" Brittany ordered him. "You'll like it, I swear on my life!"

Hesitantly, Ciel tugged at the ribbon. The entire box fell apart and something massive and black leapt out of it to tackle him. He fell back with an _oof!_ and was subjected to several minutes of tongue-rape by his childhood pet. "Se-Sebastian!" he managed to say. "_Sebastian!_" The boy flung his arms around the dog's neck and buried his face in the overgrown fur, laughing the whole time like the child he should've been.

Alois smiled sleepily at the scene, then yanked the ribbon of his own box. Luca popped up with a bow in his brown hair, laughing giddily at his brother. "Jim!" he squealed.

"Luca?"

Luca stumbled out of the box and hugged Alois around the waist. "You didn't like your present, did you?" he murmured.

Alois ignored the question and lifted his brother to his face. "Luca!"

"Jim!"

The blonde tucked his beloved sibling against his shoulder. "This is way less gay than the actual ending!"

"Now we can be together _without_ the lady who ate me!"

"I couldn't ask for anything better!"

The two Mackens laughed and danced around, Ciel got reacquainted with his dog, and all the guests smiled at the sappy, outlandish Christmas miracle.

When Sebastian returned, back in his uniform, he was wheeling out one massive cake and a smaller one of the Dairy Queen ice cream variety. Telracs hopped up and added a chocolate lemon cake of her own making to the trolley. Everyone wished Ciel a happy birthday, and then Emily/mleleamur as well, Brittany got a couple of high-fives, lots of 'Merry Christmas's and 'Happy Holidays' were exchanged, and eventually everyone grew tired and went off to bed or home.

Morning:

Behind closed curtains the grey light of a winter dawn beckoned at the window panes, coaxing Ciel awake, despite the darkness of the room itself. Contrary to the last 'morning after' he'd experienced, he felt well-rested. Comfortable, even, and delightfully warm.

He snuggled deeper into his pillows and sighed. Then his pillows snuggled back.

It took all of a second for Ciel to become acutely aware of another presence in his bed—an arm draped languorously over his shoulder, the rhythmic rustle of breath through his hair, something furry against his back.

Okay, two presences.

Ciel's hand twitched automatically towards the pistol he slept with, but with one arm tucked between himself and presence #1, and the other wrapped around said presence and—what was this now?—his hand intertwined with the little fingers of presence #3, he was in no position to move.

"Morning, sleepyhead," Alois murmured, his azure eyes peeking out from under an endearingly untidy fringe of cornsilk hair. He at least had a free hand, and he used it to push the hair from Ciel's face. Ciel's dog roused on his other side and began whapping the boy's leg with his tail.

Luca popped up from behind Alois, grinning like the King of the Morning People. "Morning, big brother, big brother's friend, Sebastian!"

"Get back down," Alois mumbled, playfully shoving the boy back onto the mattress. "It's too early to get up. Especially during the holidays."

Ciel finally found his voice. "What are you _doing_ here?"

Alois blinked, then said chirpily, "I just came in last night so you could say goodnight to me, because how you expected me to sleep without you saying goodnight I haven't the _foggiest _idea. And you already had your dog in your bed, so I figured two more guests wouldn't make much of a difference."

"Well it _does._ You know what the difference is? Two people."

"Ciel, don't be such a Grinch. I thought you liked sleeping with people on your birthday."

"My birthday was a week ago."

"Shut up."

So Ciel shut up and snuggled back into the sheets. It _was _kind of nice, he supposed. Not a real family, certainly not _his_ real family, but for just this Christmas the Mackens and one undead dog would do fine.

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**THE END! **

**I wish you all a Merry Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate, and an awesome New Year! May you all laugh and eat lots of delicious food and watch amusing Christmas specials on TV. I'll see you all in 2011 :D**


	21. Ch 13 The One With Nina Knox and Lindsay

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, AloisxCiel, some other disturbing pairings, snowman cruelty, more random side-stories than the norm, snow, The Wheel of Face-Offs!, dead things behaving like alive things, type-casting, Lizzie and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**Thank you guys so much for all the reviews! I got so much virtual food that I am now virtually obese xD I'm having difficulty believing it (Naruto: BELIEVE IT!) (sorry that had to happen); we're almost at 200! TTuTT I'd offer some super cool prize for the 200****th**** reviewer, but I already do pretty much anything you guys ask me so it would just be like a normal day. **

**Sorry, no more songs D: But we're all gonna play I Spy Smut, because Anna wanted some sans the main cast. It'll be fun!**

**Also sorry this took so long. I won't even lie this time—I just had better things to do.**

**LIEK EAT AT IHOP! One finally opened here! *does happy pancake dance* And youknowschoolandstuff.**

**Disclaimer: I fear what would've happened if Kuroshitsuji **_**was**_** mine. Ichiro Irabu is also not mine, whoever that is. The term 'Aflockalypse' is not mine. I heard it on SNL; my new husband Cameron the red-winged blackbird (who is also not mine) said it. **

**P.S. to ****ObsessivexAnime: First reviewer of 2011 indeed! Have a balloon!**

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WHAT ARE EVERYONE'S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS?:

Alois: "I'm gonna make Ciel accept me on an EMOTIONAL LEVEL so we can be truly intimate." Devious smile.

Ciel: "I'm going to make Alois leave me alone." Hides pistol behind back.

Brittany: "I'm gonna complete the 365 Day Project. And eat vegetables, get a job, read more books, watch more movies, learn to Russian folk dance, be more eccentric, not lose my bus pass, get a boyfriend, swear less—"

Sebastian: "Do Ciel. A favour. In bed. I'm gonna 'yes' his lord so hard—" *explicit language*

Claude: "Take up scrap-booking."

Thompson: "Go platinum."

Timber: "Get my own show on TLC."

Canterbury: "Fix the Wikipedia page that has my name written with a 't' at the end."

Finnian: "Grow a _fllloooowwwweeeerrrr._"

Bard: "Cut down on the cigs. I think it's time to upgrade to a pipe."

Mey-Rin: "Do Sebastian. A favour. In bed. I'll show him how well I can truly 'work'—" *explicit language*

Grell: "Do Sebastian an _honour_ in bed. I'll give him a taste of my own salty tea, _if you know what I'm sayin'~!_"

Brittany: "GET OUT OF HERE!"

Undertaker: "Mummify someone."

Lizzie: "Wear something cute EEEEEEVVVVEEEEERRRRRYYYYYY day! Tee hee! Oh, and I'm going to hire a hit on that transsexual slut who keeps putting the moves on my fiancé."

Edward: "Continue to be a magnificent spaz of an overprotective brother."

Soma: "Get more face time in this fic. I CAN'T BELIEVE CIEL'S MAKING ALL THESE FRIENDS WITHOUT ME!"

Agni: "Help Soma achieve his resolution, of course."

Luca: "Fill an ENTIRE colouring book. In the lines, guys. In the lines."

* * *

"Happy 2011, everyone!" said Brittany. Alois blew a noisemaker. "I hope you all had a lovely holiday, but now it's back to business. We're just waiting for Lindsay to show up before we get started."

Ciel sighed tiredly. "The chimney?"

"Yeah. The chimney!"

Alois continued blowing his noisemaker, directing it so that every time it unrolled it would hit Ciel in the face. Ciel swatted at it. "_Stop _that!" On Ciel's other side, Luca imitated his brother. Sebastian the dog barked.

Everyone waited for the main door to burst open, as was customary when they were hosting guests. But much to everyone's surprise, the rafters in the far left corner were blown out and a corkscrew waterslide fell down from the ceiling and flooded the courtroom. A drain opened up in the opposite corner to solve the problem.

"Huh," said Brittany.

An inner tube flew from the slide's opening and came to a graceful halt before the stand. Lindsay stepped out of it with a sack over her shoulder, bowed politely and said quite elegantly, "And _that_, lady and gentlemen, is how you make an entrance."

Alois and Luca applauded.

Another tube flew in with zombie-unicorn and Finnian in it. It headed straight into one of the rooms with zombie-unicorn yelling, "We have a psychiatrist to see! If anyone else's mind is fucked from that centipede movie, the session's on me!"

A blonde mouse-person-thing with polka dotted pants and a lab coat, who was apparently a psychiatrist and who had apparently managed to bypass the courtroom security stuck his head out of the room and welcomed in Finnian, zombie-unicorn, and several more traumatized girls.

"What's going on?" Ciel asked.

"I honestly don't know anymore," Brittany answered. "Anyway, you may recall my NaNoWriMo failure and the resulting put-downs at the beginning of chapter... eleven, was it? I called myself useless, and then Alois and Ciel poked a little fun at me, but hey! We're all just _joking_ with each other. Heh..." She cleared her throat and turned her attention to her papers. "But uh, apparently this fic is too awesome for that, so Telracs1994 is charging the three of us with the uncalled-for insulting of myself."

Ciel rolled his eye. "No one gets stroppy with _you_ when you rip on _us_."

"That's because everyone would get irritated with me if I simply fawned over you two all the time. Poking fun at you is my job! Likewise, yours is to tell me what a bad job I'm doing and drink tea. Alois' job is to be as random as possible."

"RECTUM!" Alois hollered.

Ciel sipped his tea, then frowned and tossed it across the room.

"So _your_ sentence, buddy old pal, is to wear this shirt we had made." She held up a t-shirt with her face on the front and 'Ciel Thinks Brittany is a Graceful Piece of Lovely Canadian Bacon!' printed on the back.

"Oh I get it," Alois said. "Because he called you a dis_grace_! That's actually quite humourous."

"No thank you," Ciel declined.

"Yes thank you. Lindsay? Could you help? You've somehow gotten him into stranger outfits."

The guest-host saluted, said, "Yep!" and set about wrestling Ciel into his t-shirt. "What about me?" Alois asked.

"Well, _you_ said, 'And you call yourself a writer!' so I figured we'd just see if you can do any better. You dictate, I'll type." Brittany fished a laptop from her desk and readied it for Alois' literary masterpiece.

And so Alois began:

_One fine Engrish day, in a land made of popcorn chicken and cotton balls, there sat a sexy blunette and his unbearably hot blonde boyfriend atop a giant salmon-coloured fish (that was not, in all actuality, a salmon) (salmon: it's a MANLY fish!) in a lake made of dreams. Rowing leisurely about in a gondola below was their friend Dave the dragon. He was Davealicious._

_The hot blonde was helping his sexy sugar-coated piece of man-candy get presentable for the Post-Aflockalypse Party set to engage all the land in a no-expense-spared evening, night, and early morning of drinking, dancing, and various closed-doors-escapades. They had a small summer cabin built of hard candy planks and marshmellows on the back of their fish in which to primp and preen. This hot piece, by the also hot name of Ciel, was put in a very classy shiny vest, shiny pink tie, and shiny not-very-long-shorts ensemble. He looked SMASHING!_

"Did you write that in capitals?" Alois interrupted himself to ask.

"Yes. Would you mind looking at me for a sec so I can see how dilated your pupils are?"

"No."

_The hot blonde, by the awesome, lovely, outstanding, intelligent, seductive name of Alois decided to attend the party in his invisible robes. Ciel said No, so he threw on a tie and some very tight hot pants._

_At last night rolled around, and Davealicious Dave gondola'd Ciel and Alois to the location of the party. Already the sky was alight with dozens of hot air balloons piloted by large and well-read mice. The balloons' tethers were beaded with hundreds of lit, spherical Japanese lanterns. It looked as though the stars themselves had been called down for Alois and his love._

Brittany: "This is actually quite pretty."

Alois: "SHUT UP!"

"Your _love_?" Ciel interjected incredulously from inside his shirt. Lindsay had managed to get one of his arms through, but no more.

"Alois is taking his punishment like a man, Ciel! A manly man! You wouldn't want to be less of a man than him, would you?" she pep-talked him.

"I assure you, to be less of a man than Alois is no easy feat."

_The party didn't start till the two stylish boys walked in. Like, they _literally _stepped foot out of the gondola and the crowd went from staring blankly at the popcorn-chicken-dirt to busting moves left and right. The musical guest—that trashy white girl with the dollar sign in her name—began sing/rap/auto-tuning a song she wrote for the occasion._

_Birds fallin' hard hard hard!_

_On the roof of your car car car!_

_Way down in Arkansas -sas -sas!_

_Not flyin' no more more more!_

"_That doesn't rhyme," Canterbury said with dismay. He and those other two guys were trying to start a mosh pit._

_Davealicious Dave flew off to hang with the Muffin Man and the Jelly Bean Team, leaving Ciel and Alois to themselves. They slow danced a bit and then drank Jell-o shots and took hits from a cotton candy bong. Someone built a bonfire for people to sit around with their sweethearts and deliver practiced monologues in exchange for a no-pants-party. Alois totally ended up sucking face with Ciel in front of it while fireworks made of luminous confetti went off amongst the hot air balloons. The two were dusted with glitter and appeared to be glowing like the happy, tipsy young lovers they were. And _here's_ where it gets good—_

"That's quite enough!" Ciel interrupted.

"What? You mean you don't want to hear what we did back in our candy summer cabin?"

"Alois, I think you've proven yourself," Brittany declared. "We'll uh, finish that gem later, 'kay?" But not actually because heaven's knows what one mini-rapist and his drunk boyfriend would get up to in a house made of sweets.

The blonde beamed. "Okey doke!"

"Okey doke indeed. Next up we've got an accusation for Sebastian! Where is that man?"

The door to the psychiatrist's office opened and Sebastian poked his head out. "Yes?"

Ciel just shook his head.

Alois chuckled. "I thought I heard a particularly girly scream during _the Hu_—"

"DON'T SAY IT!" Brittany cut him off. "The title alone upsets Laura. Call it 'The Film Which Shall Not Be Named'."

"It was all the estrogen," Sebastian tried to explain. "If you'll recall, I was gender-bended, so of course—"

"Never you mind! Just approach the stand _please!_"

Sebastian did as told. He kept tossing surreptitious looks of derision towards Ciel's dog.

"Yes?" Ciel asked, scratching the beast behind the ears, the slightest hint of a smirk tugging at his lips. He had decided to be the better man and put on his damn shirt.

"Sebastian Michaelis! You have been accused of taking far too much enjoyment from Ciel's various cross-dressing escapades—"

"There was only one," Ciel corrected.

"I can't help feeling like there were more..."

"Seems like it, doesn't it?" Alois pitched in.

"Regardless, how do you plead, Sebastian?"

"Hmm..." The butler stroked his clean-shaven chin wisely (he's too good for all of that imaginary beard nonsense. Pffffft). "I must say I _was_ rather entertained. Mmmuh hummh.." His eyes glazed over.

"Sebastian!" Ciel said. His dog barked.

"Hm? Oh, guilty then. Put me in shackles. Tie me to a horse and have me dragged down the cobblestones." He shrugged, smiling his I'm-ALWAYS-a-Winner smile. "I'll always have the mental images."

Alois raised an intrigued eyebrow. Brittany tossed a small bundle of cloth at the man. "Actually, we were just gonna get you to wear a mini-skirt. It's much less... extreme. Plus VampAnimeLover254 asked for it."

"I see." To deprive Ciel the satisfaction of making the sentence an order, Sebastian shed his dress pants and stuck his ridiculously long legs into about one foot of pleated denim. It did not look as appealing as some fanarts might have you believe. Ciel snorted.

"Next is me!" Brittany said. "Anna pointed out to me that it's actually 'Canterbur_y_', not 'Canterbur_t_', which is what Wikipedia says, but I should know by now that Wikipedia is often full of lies. Especially after Daniel Tosh ordered his entire fanbase to deface his page. Daniel isn't pronounced '_boner'!_ Anyhow, where is lefty-fringe?"

Canterbury popped up and nodded curtly at the judge.

"I counted all the times I mistyped your name. There were twenty-two, so you are hereby entitled to call me 'Brittant' twenty-two times. Then we'll be even. Cool?"

"Sure thing, Brittant."

Brittany gave him a thumbs up and consulted her papers again. "Wow, we are just _burning_ through these this morning!"

Ciel was apparently out of sarcastic remarks.

Beside him, Lindsay was fiddling around with her iPhone. "HOLY AUNT JEMIMA'S SYRUP!" she hollered. "LOOK, CIEL! LOOK!" She shoved her iPhone in his face. "Someone put photos of us singing _Toxic_ up on Facebook! LOOK HOW LEGIT WE ARE!"

Ciel grimaced daintily at her. "Oh my GAWD there's a VIDEO TOO!" Lindsay laughed. "Classic..."

Brittany said, "CASE 61, from the lovely Monochrome Cloud! Could Ronald Knox and Grell Sutcliff please approach the stand?" The two shinigami were sitting on one of the courtroom benches, clearly ignoring most other things.

"—and I _told _her, I said, 'I don't pitch for your team, honeybuns,' and she just went _livid_. I mean—"

"GRELL!"

"—I'm talking a _legitimate_ cinder block. Right out of her goddamn purse! So she—"

"_GREEEEEELLLLLLLL SLUTCLIFF!"_

"—right in the esophagus! And tossed me on the curb! But here's the best part. This guy—"

"FFILCTUS LLLLEEEEERRRRRGG!"

"—you could _actually_ see it right through his jeans! I'm talkin' like a solid _foot!_ So he holds out a hand—"

"Grelly Grelly so smelly, banana fanna fo-felly, me mi mo melly, GRELLY."

"—didn't even make it out of the foyer. You should've seen my neighbours' faces! So we go down—"

"GRELL!"

"—his socks and a slice of bread—"

"GRELL!"

"—fuckin' unreal, I swear, and then with the floor lamp—"

"GRELL!"

"—while he's simultaneously building a pillow fort! Then he takes my—"

"GRELL!"

"—and I'm like, 'OMG, what luck!' and he—"

"I WON'T SAY IT AGAIN!"

"—turns out it was one of them Ukrainian sausages in his pocket."

Ronald Knox nodded in awe. "Wo-ow."

"Damn right."

Brittany—"Brittant," said Canterbury—smacked her plastic squeaky gavel on the desk because Santa had been too much of a lard-ass that year to give her a proper one. "GUILTY, for possessing death scythes modeled after landscaping tools decades before their time! You are hereby sentenced to hand them over to the court until further notice."

Grell finally turned his attention to the judge. "Uh, I think _not_."

"Uh, I think _so_." She strode over and tried to shove the machines into a large sack while Grell tried to pick her up and throw her. Knox was too busy hitting on a bewildered Lindsay to notice. After a five minute struggle wherein Brittany had been bitch-slapped, Grell had been kicked in the 'gnads, Brittany had been kneed in the pelvis and Grell had had his hair yanked out by the roots, the scythes were secured in a shinigami-proof bag. Knox was now hitting on some of the girls receiving Anti-Film-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Named Therapy.

Brittany then flopped on the couch/desk, using her bag of winnings like a horridly uncomfortable pillow.

"Ooh!" said Lindsay. "I'mma take this brief hiatus to HAND OUT THE REST OF MA CHIRSTMAS PRESENTS!" She stuck a hand in her plaid bag and produced a hot pink strawberry-shaped-flat-thing on a string and pressed it into Ciel's hand.

"It's an eye patch..." he mumbled unenthusiastically.

"It's got HELLO FRACKING KITTY on it! See?" She turned it over for him.

"What a treat."

"JIMBO, SON!" Lindsay approached the blonde.

Alois was handed a small single-buttoned remote. Upon pressing it everyone heard Britney Spears informing them that _ALL THE BOYS AND ALL THE GIRLS ARE BEGGING TO IF YOU SEEK AMY! _"Bitchin'! I can think of so many circumstances where this might be useful!"

Next she gave Sebastian black nail polish to quote unquote keep his 'nailz kayoot', the triplets matching pairs of banana knee socks (they thanked her quietly. In song), and Grell braces and a scolding for trying to be Bruce (hint: Fish are friends, _not_ food). Claude was found creeping outside the building wearing an 'I Heart Ciel' t-shirt and given a French vanilla candy cane, The Undertaker was found lurking in the basement and given a nice skeleton, and Brittany received a large amount of 'Hug Me' coupons coloured with crayons.

"And _your own_ 94 pack of those little wax bastards!"

"Hooray! _It's like a dream come true!_"

Finally, Lindsay yanked the cord hanging from the ceiling and stepped aside as Still-Dismembered-and-Slightly-Decomposed-Hannah fell from up among the pipes and ceiling things. "D-do I get a gift?" she asked timidly and with a pitiful note of hope to her voice.

"NO."

"FRED, LAU, UNDERTAKER AND THE TRIPLETS!" Brittany hollered whilst simultaneously colouring a picture with Luca.

"It comes with a little sharpener," the little brunette boy observed in awe.

"Present, Brittant," said Canterbury.

"Brittant?" said Thompson.

"Brittant."

"So that's her name."

Timber, Lau, and Fred were also present. The Undertaker glided in with his skeleton draped over his shoulder like a buddy with a sprained ankle.

"The six of you are charged by one AnimelovingCat with being _way too cool_ for minor characters! I mean, you three—" she gestured to the triplets, "are fanfiction _gold._ You're sexy, expendable (you come with backups) and you were given virtually _no_ personalities and therefore _can never be OOC_. You—" she pointed at Lau, "never open your eyes. We never even _see_ yours—" the Undertaker, of course, "and Fred..."

Fred looked expectant.

"Fred..."

Fred continued to look expectant.

"Fred..."

Fred continued to look elephant.

"Freeeddd..."

"I broke Ciel out of jail."

"Oh yes. Good job!" Brittany attempted to lift the heavy bag of death scythes and hand it to the accused, but the triplets ended up having to take it themselves. "Since you are all so obviously guilty, I will leave it to you to decide what to do with these. Enjoy!"

_What they decided to do with those:_

Billy Bob and his sister Jilly Job stand back to admire one morning's worth of their handy work. A three-tired snowman stands casually on their lawn, his pebble-made expression jovial and with a bubble pipe jammed in his mouth. His stick arms are outstretched in hugging formation, and there is but one more detail to add before the two naïve children have there very own Frosty the Snowman to frolic with.

Billy Bob hands Jilly Job the top hat. "I'm so excited, Jilly," he says.

"Me too! There's no way this _won't_ work." And with those grand words said, the girl stretches up on her toes to set the hat on the snowman's head. A shower of glitter and sparkle noises erupts, swirling around the snowman in a typical cartoon fashion. Jilly Job and Billy Bob look on in awe.

At last the face comes to life. The snowman opens his mouth to spread his wisdom and joy. "Yo, bitch, you wanna make a shitload of money?"

Jilly Job screams, but the sound is drowned out by the obnoxious roar of an approaching vehicle.

The oncoming thing shoots down the street and the two children can make out a sled powered by some sort of device with a powerful motor. There are six strange men on the sled—three clones, one geisha-man, a normal guy and a guy that looks like their neighbour's Scottie dog, but grey.

"Never fear, children!" the normal one calls. "We have come to bring justice to your front yard!"

"Seriously, kid," says the snowman. "Young thing like you, you can make like _eighty bucks_ in one night! Just—"

The sled rockets past and the three clones raise a massive, roaring instrument above their heads, bringing it down in a sweeping arc to slice the snowman violently in half. The head rolls across the snow and shouts profane things at his attackers. Jilly Job covers her brother's ears.

The clones all whoop and cheer. "Aww, dude!" "Bro!" "Man!" The sled skids and pivots around again, comes back up the street, and the Scottie-dog-man produces a large curved blade like the one the crazy old hag down the street uses to chase children and squirrels from her lawn. He has at it with the torso of the snowman, and the head continues to shout. The Scottie-dog-man explodes in laughter that sounds like Rice Krispies.

"SUPER ULTRA OPIUM LOVE RAINBOW _POWEEEEERR!_" the geisha man shouts and outstretches his arms towards the head. A blast of sparkly multi-coloured smoke turns the head to an ashy puddle. The normal man shoots him a disapproving look.

"Who are you?" Billy Bob inquires with a sparkle in his eye.

"Us?" The normal one stands with his hands on his hips and exclaims proudly, "We're the _Most Excellent Bit-Player Justice Six!_"

"He thought of the name," one of the clones feels the need to tack on.

The sled—which it was now apparent is driven by a lawn mower of sorts—spins around on the street once more and disappears into the depths of suburbia. All that can be heard is the clones' shouts.

"So righteous, dudes!" "Let's chop up something else, man!" "Fuckin' sled boner palooza, bro!" "Dude!" "Bro!" "Guys!" "Men!" "Males!" "_Homo sapiens_!"

_Back in court:_

"...You pimped the mower into a sled dog and caused thousands of dollars worth of property damage?"

The triplets, Lau, and the Undertaker all nodded giddily. "We did, Brittant." Fred claimed he'd had no hand in it.

"I see... Just... hang tight for now; there's another case I want you guys to take care of later."

"Aye aye, Brittant."

"Now, where did Knox go?"

Knox was chatting up the receptionist.

Brittany hopped down from the couch/desk, strode out the door and down various halls until coming upon the young death god leaning casually against the reception desk. She handed him a taxi-yellow slip of paper. "You just got SERVED."

Knox raised a brow at her and then returned his focus to the receptionist. "Heh, one second." He looked back at Brittany. "Kid, get lost. I won't be cock-blocked by a twelve year-old."

"I'm sixteen..."

"Whatever. Go play court somewhere else."

So Brittany returned to her courtroom whilst pondering how long they'd had a receptionist for.

Then she had to ponder how everyone was suddenly doing something else when she'd only left for two minutes. You see, Sebastian had been trying to make Sebastian-the-dog blow up using only his mind, but now he was walking around in six inch heels with a feather duster. Ciel had been partially-stripped and Alois was making valiant/violent attempts to teach him how to pole dance. The triplets were watching and sharing Timbits and Chicken McNuggets with Sebastian-the-dog, Sammie, and a fat cat that apparently belonged to Anna, and the various other accused and Lindsay had stolen the girls and Finnian receiving Anti-Film-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Named therapy to watch _Tangled _in the adjoining mini-theatre.

"Ciel, it's only fair! How many times have I offered to perform strip-teases for you?"

"Forty-three, but that's besides the point!"

"ZOMBIE-UNICORN SAID SO! It's your own fault for not remembering Halloween night!"

"That _wasn't my fault!_"

"You've brought this on yourself!"

Brittany dared to approach the desk and retrieve her papers. Seconds later Ciel's shorts fell on her head. "Hey... These smell like fear."

"SMELLS LIKE CHRISTMAS!" Alois tacked on.

Brittany took a look at her To Do list. Case sixty-four—Ciel's mandatory stint of stripperism—and sixty-six—Sebastian's painful punishment for making blatantly sexual advances on Alois' property—, charges from zombie-unicorn and AnimelovingCat respectively, had been crossed out with purple ink and scribbled on in boyish scrawl. The first one clearly stated that Alois would be taking matters into his own hands, and the original idea for case sixty-six had been replaced with... hooker heels...

"Alois? A word?"

Alois tossed Ciel's jacket aside while the younger boy swore. "I'm feeling generous, so you may have five and a half words."

"Hooker heels? Sebby enjoys those... Snuffaluff."

"Ah, but these ones don't have _arch support!_"

The triplets uttered a collective dramatic gasp.

Ciel's cheek was pressed to the stripper pole. "I don't see how anyone could find this remotely sexy."

"That's because you're doing it wrong," said Alois. "You have to _sell_ it, Ciel! You're supposed to feel empowered and all that rubbish."

"No thank you."

Sebastian came back up to the stand. "I have completed the dusting, Earl Trancy. What is my next task?"

Alois pointed to the nearest corner and said, "Go do jumping-jacks there until the tiles break." Sebastian did as told. Brittany furrowed her brows in confuzzlement. "What?" said Alois. "Your papers said 'painful'. So I'm making him do menial tasks in those ridiculous shoes." Then he hooked Ciel's leg against the stripper pole by way of force.

"You know, when we played Kangaroo Court at camp, the weirdest thing that happened was my friend getting duct-taped to some guy she barely knew and Tom making out with a scarecrow." Then she walked off to steal McNuggets from the triplets.

* * *

**FIRST PERSON TO FIND THE ACROSTIC POEM WINS!**

**Where can Alois use his new remote? Who knows? Come on, I know you all have ideas!**

**Now keep reading.**


	22. 13 The One With Nina Knox and Lindsay p2

**Part two, here we go!**

* * *

Ronald Knox's charge, which had not been read aloud because he was too busy being a player to show up in court, was from Usagi M e m o r i e s and outlined the following: For hitting on Mey-Rin and consequently diminishing her appeal to the female fanbase (it's a reasonable instinctive biological thing. There are studies), he was given the option of dressing like a vulnerable perv-magnet or throwing on a pair of swim trunks to tackle the abundance of snow that'd fallen as of late with an old-fashioned manual plow.

The judge's chronic indecision led to a compromise of the two punishments.

Grell twirled into the courtroom, interrupting Ciel's pole-dancing lessons and Sebastian's painful and pointless tasks. "You'll never guess what I just saw!" the redhead exclaimed with delight.

No one felt like putting his statement to the test, so they all just threw on their coats and went outside to see what he just saw. And there, in a skimpy Day-Glo pink bikini in the midst of three hundred acres of five-foot high snow (we had to buy out all the neighbouring properties for this charge) was Ronald Knox. A handful of mustachioed middle-aged men were standing at the fence, wolf-whistling and drinking beer.

Ciel scoffed and went back inside as if he wasn't already stripped down to the skivvies himself under his jacket. Grell skipped off and pranced circles around his colleague in a manner that was arguably taunting. Alois, having caught on to Ciel's solitary presence in the otherwise empty courthouse, turned stealthily on his heel and snuck in after the dark-haired boy.

"People didn't get this naked when it was warm out," Brittany mused. "Also how did this happen?"

The receptionist appeared behind them. "I bribed him."

"With what?"

"A three-some."

Everyone said, "Ahhh," and nodded understandingly.

"Hey, you know who else hit on Mey-Rin?" Brittany asked. The rest of the group went back inside without answering her. "Aw..."

Back in the courtroom Alois was busy narrowing down the fic's demographic yet again. He and Ciel were on the couch/desk in a rather compromising position, with the younger of the two on his back and being sat upon. Ciel was properly clothed again and they weren't doing anything.

"What aren't you doing?" Brittany demanded.

"Anything! I swear!" Alois answered.

"He's telling the truth," Ciel backed him up. "We were doing nothing."

"Then get off your lazy arses and do something productive! The day's not over yet! This is a two-parter boys, you know that!"

The boys grumbled something at her and sat up properly. Alois ordered Sebastian to take Sebastian for a long walk.

"It was _Miss Nina_ who hit on Mey-Rin. Come on you guys, get on the ball."

Ciel perked up with a look of dread. "You're not bringing—"

The door flew open. "Ça va? Miss Nina Hopkins has arrived! Earl Phantomhive!" The tailor strode into the room like she owned the place and nonchalantly handed off her coat to one of the triplets. "Earl, what is that shirt?"

"It's not of your concern."

"It's a court order," Brittany added. It was then that Miss Nina noticed her and Alois on either side of Ciel.

"Oh? Who are these darling children? Such marvelous figures, _especially_ on the young man here..."

"Brittant," Canterbury answered. Brittany murmured, "I'm sixteen..."

"I'm the Earl Alois Trancy," Alois said with a mimetic air of superiority.

"I just have a really round head, okay?" Brittany exclaimed spazzishly.

Miss Nina was handling Alois like a doll. "The silhouette I could make would be absolutely superlative! And you have no qualms with showing your legs?"

"Hell no!"

"Oh, brilliant!" Miss Nina clasped her hands excitedly. "You are _perfect_, my darling! I can't wait to get to work!"

"Actually, that's not what you're here for," Brittany cut in. Miss Nina shot her the most terrifying death glare she had ever received from a lesbian. "Um, well, uh you see, I've brought you to court because we were on the topic of people hitting on Mey-Rin—"

"Ah, Mey-Rin! Is she here?"

"Well no see, I'd actually planned to charge you for setting Sebastian up for the best burn ever."

"Oh. Mr. Stiff."

Alois giggled. "If you think _he's_ stiff, you should see _my_ butler!" Then the pair laughed like gossiping old women.

"See, you said—in reference to your preferred clientele—that you had 'no interest in anything but boys or girls under fifteen', and Sebastian said, 'I have no interest in what you do in your spare time'!"

"Yes. And?"

"... Get it?"

Miss Nina turned to Alois. He shrugged.

"Whatever. You're guilty, and I want you to make a dress for Sebastian. With a miniskirt. He's already wearing fuck-me-pumps so we might as well finish the job."

Miss Nina cocked an eyebrow. "Mr. Stiff's wearing heels? Colour me amused."

Luca sifted through the crayons. "We don't have that colour."

"Back to business," Brittany shook out her papers. "Alois, you're up to bat!"

"Please charge me for wearing last century's trends and have me outfitted by Ciel's magnificent tailor."

Nina flapped her hand. "Oh stop it..."

"No you stop it!"

"Oh ho ho!"

"Hee hee hee!"

"Oh my god, shut up," said Brittany. "Actually, Alois, Starcatrose is charging you for a couple of your... less than pleasant actions from chapter eleven. The first regards your attempt to smash a glass window with a quote unquote 'smexy high-heeled boot', and the other is for strapping Ciel to a lie detector. And you can't even plead 'not guilty' because we have written proof."

Alois looked at her. "I'm sorry, but which part am I being punished for? Is it the smexage levels of the boot or the attempted destruction of municipal property? Because if it's the latter I'll remind you that I've destroyed much more than mere _glass_ in the past. Mind you, not with boots..."

"I think the Ciel thing and whole incident in general—"

"Except for that kitten..."

Something shattered across the room. Sebastian was standing at the doorway with his mouth agape, coffee all over his high heels and shards of porcelain at his feet.

Brittany tried futilely to smooth over the incident. "He's kidding! You're kidding right?"

Alois laughed. "Of course not! That was back when I was dirt-poor though. What else was I going to eat? Boys don't get voluptuous figures like this—" he gestured to his shapeless stick-like body, "by starving half to death!"

Sebastian's eyes started glowing red.

"Oh bother..." said Brittany.

Ciel whistled. "Shit just got _real_."

"DEATH MATCH!" Sebastian hollered.

"Not till case sixty-eight!" Brittany shouted.

"DEATH MATCH DEATH MATCH DEATH MATCH DEATH—"

"Fine! Elizabeth and Grell, get your arses up to the stand!" Ciel shot Brittany a look as the death god and blonde appeared for their sentencing.

"My my, Sebastian looks excited," Grell mused with a catlike grin.

"MATCH DEATH MATCH DEATH MATCH DEATH MATCH—"

"OKAY SHUT UP!"

Elizabeth pouted. "What am I doing back here? I hate this place."

Ciel went to her side. "It's okay, Lizzie, I'll—"

"Why do you have that crazy girl's face on your shirt?"

"What? Oh, it was a—"

"You're cheating on me again! With an _older woman!_"

Brittany threw her hands up. "_Thank_ you."

"No, it was a court—"

"Go away, Ciel! I don't want any help you have to offer! I can handle myself just fine!"

"Elizabeth and Grell, AnimelovingCat has accused you both of ruining the good name of the various other minor characters in this series who pretty much _ooze_ awesome possumness. Namely the six men who went on that SnowPimp slaughtering escapade. How do you plead?"

"Hater," Grell spit.

"Harlot," Lizzie added. "Excuse my language."

"Everyone's so loving today... Anyway, AnimelovingCat jokingly said, 'Lets kill them! Lol,' and I admit, right now I am sorely tempted to, but Ciel would have me decapitated for killing the lady here and I'm not sure how to go about killing Grell. So instead it's time to SPIN SPIN SPIN THE WHEEL OF FACE-OFFS!"

Luca appeared through the doors pushing a never-before-seen wheel divvied into a couple dozen slices. The Wheel of Face-Offs included such crowd favourites as a Spongebob style Imagination/Bubble-blowing-Off, Battle of the bands, Willy Wonka-style process of elimination, Survivor, FISTYCUFFS AT DAWN, and many many more!

"Since Sebastian is so eager to join in the festivities, he and Alois will be forming teams with the accused. Pick your partners!"

Grell instantaneously latched onto Sebastian's arm. Alois looked at Lizzie with unconcealed disgust. "Seriously?"

Lizzie frowned at him and turned to the judge. "I think I'll be a team all on my own, if that's not a problem."

"Yeah okay."

Miss Nina appeared from one of the side rooms with a bundle of fabric in her arms. She shook her masterpiece out with a flourish. The dress for Sebastian could only be described as a skanky somewhat-Victorian/loli nightmare with a corset top, a fluffy thigh-high skirt, black ribbons, white lace, blue roses, off-the-shoulder sleeves and a big-ass bow in the back. "Calling Mr. Stiff," she said. "Your gown awaits!"

Grell made sparkly eyes at the dress, and then at Sebastian. "I would rather not wear that monstrosity."

Nina snapped, "I'll make a monstrosity out of your FACE!"

"Sebastian, I order you to wear the dress," Ciel said. "If Lizzie has to partake in this 'Face-Off' in her skirts, then so shall you."

"Yeah, that's why you're ordering him," Brittany said doubtfully. "The Most-Excellent Bit Player Justice Six, please select a man to spin spin spin the wheel!"

The MEBPJS played Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock, deemed the Undertaker the winner, and whooped and cheered him on as he spun spun spun the wheel. It landed on 'iCarly-style Paint-on-Gibby-Off'.

"Excellent," Brittany said. "MEBJPS, you may take it away from here."

"Yes sir, Brittant sir!"

"Yo, Gibby's booked solid," Thompson said, "so y'all are gonna paint on Bard. You dig?" Timber and Lau escorted the chef into the courtroom. Fred flashed his badge and said, "Sir, I'm going to need you to remove your shirt."

Bard looked confused but complied nonetheless. The Undertaker handed paint trays to all four of the players. "You will have thirty seconds," he said with a snicker. "The younguns here will have to share a side, I'm afraid."

"Dibs on back," Lizzie said at the same time Alois said, "Dibs on front." Evidently this was not going to work out.

Thompson said, "ON YOUR MARKS."

Timber said, "GET SET."

Canterbury said, "GO!"

Alois and Grell instantly plunged their hands into the paint and began smearing it abstractly about Bard's torso. "That tickles!" the chef said. Lizzie attacked the task in a much more resigned, elegant manner, and eventually Fred blew a whistle and the thirty seconds were up.

"Judges?" he said.

The triplets set about inspecting the paintings. Timber had put Luca on his back as an honourary guest member of the MEBPJS, and a lot of hmms and ahhs were exchanged. Sebastian had depicted a graphic scene of Alois getting beaten with his own boot. Grell had covered the rest of Bard's front with red paint, and Lizzie and Alois had smattered his back with flowers and rainbows and ponies.

"Hmm."

"Ah."

"Huh."

"I think," said Lau, "that the butler would have won if not for the... hindrance, on his team. As it stands there is a three-way tie."

"Rematch!" the triplets whooped. Luca and Timber gave the wheel another spin spin spin. It landed on 'Scavenger Hunt TO THE DEATH!'

"How do you even," said Lizzie.

_How you even:_

Alois kicked a couple rocks around while Lizzie continued to berate the list. "How are we supposed to catch a _moving train?_ This is insane! And all because of what? Because I inadvertently ruined the reputation of a bunch of peasants I don't even _know?_"

"Don't forget the rusty nails and the bear traps."

"This is _stupid_." Lizzie threw down the list. "I refuse to partake in these preposterous games!"

"_Preposterous._ There you fancy-ass nobles go with that word again." The look Lizzie shot him then shut him up for a minute.

"I have had enough of this _court_ business, as I am sure Ciel has as well. Next chance I get I'm busting him out."

Alois stopped kicking rocks. "Then what am I supposed to do? I'm not sticking with that gig if Ciel isn't there too."

"You shall have to seek employment elsewhere, Mr. Trancy."

_Way to give him ideas. Meanwhile:_

"That's the last of it, Sebby love!" Grell said as Sebastian hoisted him back onto the dock. "Interesting that the list specifically said a poisonous blowfish from the _sea_, and not one from the sushi restaurant down the street."

"That would be too easy, I suppose," Sebastian mused. He unconsciously tugged his dress down around his legs again—Hopkins had made it _much_ too short; it was probably a practical joke in her eyes. "Shall we head back then?"

"Let's."

_Way to be... civilized? Back in court!:_

"No one's dead," Brittany observed.

"I might as well be dead to you." Alois stuck up his nose. "I think it's high time Ciel and I take our business elsewhere."

"What?"

"You heard me. We're bailing on you."

Ciel was lounging about with his dog and having cake fed to him by a handful of the reviewers. "Says who?"

"What do you mean, cupcake? You hate this place! Lizzie's busting you out and I'm coming with! Let's go now while the judge is still saying What!"

"Whuuuuuuh..."

"I'm sorry, Alois," Ciel said. He certainly didn't sound sorry. His visible eye flashed a brilliant red for the faintest of seconds. "You've been kept in the dark about this, but the judge actually sold her soul to keep me here. And my presence alone was what made you stay. It's quite an elegant system."

"Whuuuuh—hey, are you guys instilling _plot_ in here? I don't want any plot! And it's full of holes because I started this before Ciel was demonized!"

"Shh," said Ciel.

"No you shh! All of you shh! None of this is in the planning sheets! Look!" She held up her papers, which listed the key points from reviews containing accusations under the name of the reviewer, as well as the date they'd been written. There were jot notes and ideas for each accusation, numbers for the order of occurrence, and a doodle of Alois and Ciel dressed like Panty and Stocking from PaSwG, but no mention of anarchy. "They have a life of their own," Brittany murmured to herself. "They're _alive_..."

While she was busy having a mental breakdown Ciel snatched up her papers. "Alois, for strapping me to a lie detector and that other thing you did, you are sentenced to make out with Dismembered-Hannah at her most disgusting. Tongue is mandatory." He waved the blonde off and threw on a mocking Canadian accent. "_Get to it_."

"Whuuuuuh? I don't want to!"

Dismembered-Hannah gurgled up from the floor. "Oh... I do love these... punishments... Your Highnessss. They are mossst enjoyable... for me."

"No! Get away!" Alois tried to flee but was clotheslined by a conveniently located clothesline. Hannah got up with horror-film-like agility and pounced on him. "No! Help, Ciel, help! Claude! Emily! My lawyer! Someone!" But help did not arrive quick enough for the grossness that ensued and was so nasty that it was beyond words. Poor, poor Alois.

The shock of witnessing it was enough to bring some sense back to the judge. Brittany mumbled something that sounded like Random Bed and Shockolate Ribblets. Somehow that was the cue for Chocolate Ribbons to enter the courtroom with the ghost of Madam Red on a leash.

"Madam!" Ciel exclaimed. Then he narrowed his eyes. You could tell he was thinking of calling her out for being a psycho betch.

"Hello, my darling boy. It's a shame we have to meet again under these circumstances, but it is so difficult to make the trip to and from Hell these days, you know how it is. And airport security is just _ugh_." She shook her head sadly. "When they improve the conditions I promise to come up for the holidays."

Ciel gave her his I-don't-want-you-to-come-up-for-the-holidays look.

"Yo, Red," Brittany said. "You have been accused by this lovely lady here—" sweeping gesture in Chocolate Ribbon's direction, "for having a 'totally un-fabulous haircut' that would make a true Victorian lady scream her corset off. I don't care if your weird bangs have a tragic back story—they're still weird. But worry not! Chocolate Ribbons will fix you up real nice with these!" Brittany held up a pair of sparkly purple scissors. She handed them very carefully down to Chocolate Ribbons.

"Do they have magic properties like everything else in here?" the reviewer inquired.

"Of course! You can cut her hair long, just like in that absurd song that always confused me when I was a child. I think it was about a dog."

"Awesome. Thank you."

"You're quite welcome." Brittany looked around and noticed that most of the accused and guest judges were crowded into the theatre with _Footloose_ playing and the volume cranked. Alois had abandoned his rebellious plot to provide Ciel with a lap to fall asleep on, and Lizzie had vanished somewhere—probably to sharpen her knives in the basement or something. Nina was slaving away on an Alois outfit somewhere, Sebastian's latest task involved repainting the courtroom walls with a quill in lieu of a brush, and for all anyone knew Knox was still plowing away outside in the hopes that he'd get double lucky that night. It was now dark outside.

"Boy, time flies." Even though she was addressing no one, Brittany read out her last charge of the day. "Could Drocell please leave Anna's side for five minutes and magically appear in front of the desk?" That happened.

"Good evening," said he.

"'Sup. Emerald Line would like to accuse you of being goddamn creepy, plain and simple. The repetitive playing of your little song—which is a huge horror flick cliché_,_ by the way—and the turning people into dolls is all just so messed up. She doesn't approve of your little eye tattoo either. You know who has those? Prisoners. And Lil Wayne. And if that man's face does not scare the pants off you, I don't know what will. How do you plead?"

Drocell considered the statement carefully. "Anna likes me," he said as way of defense.

"Anna likes you because you're creepy."

"Oh. Then I suppose that makes me guilty."

"You betcha. For your sentence, I'm going to bring back the Week of Average American Man-ism that Zeni came up with for chapter eight. Do you think you can handle that?"

"I don't know—"

"Too bad! On your marks, get set, go!"

**Day 1**

"Honey, I'm home!"

Drocell hangs his top hat on the hat stand and walks into the kitchen. His lovely wife is drying the dishes from a meal he apparently missed, and she doesn't look away to reprimand him. "You're late."

"I got held up at the office. They tore my arm out of its socket and nuked it again." He holds up a nearly unrecognizable, somewhat cylindrical lump of melted plastic.

"Huh. Looks like a spaceship."

"That's what I told them."

"Well, I'm sorry, hun." She draws her attention from the dishes long enough to peck her husband on the cheek. "Do you think you could take out the trash tonight? And mow the lawn? We lost the cat in it the other day. Poor, fat old Spot..."

"Sure thing, Anna."

.o.

"Hello, little girl. Is this your ball?"

.o.

Not half an hour later Drocell is sitting up on the roof, humming _London Bridge_ while the neighbourhood children complete his chores. He watches as little Becky from down the street struggles with the garbage bag, and so with a flourish of his hand, the nearly invisible threads tied to another child's limbs draw him to the situation to help carry the weight. Problem solved.

**Day 2**

"Honey, I'm home!"

"Oh, good!" Anna appears in the foyer with her coat buttoned up and a scarf around her neck. "I have to go get groceries. Do you think you could make the kids something when they get home? And if I'm not back by then I need you to do the dishes, drive Anna Jr. to her friend's house, and then drive Drocell Jr. to hockey practice."

"Um, well—"

"Thanks, babe!" She pecks him on the cheek, "You're a doll," and walks out into the cold.

.o.

Not forty minutes later, Drocell is sitting in the rafters of his kitchen while his new neighbours serve his children dinner.

"Dad? Why is Mr. Chung here?" his son asks.

"Never you mind. I thought you kids liked Chinese food!"

"Meh," says his daughter, who is feverishly text messaging.

"AJ, bud, you're going to get carpel tunnel." Drocell swiftly lets one of his threads curl around the tween's cell phone and snatches it out of her reach.

"Hey! Fuckin' retard!"

"_Daaad_, AJ said 'retard'!"

**Day 3**

In the wee hours of the morning, Anna Jr. stumbles into the house with murder written on her face. She is sopping wet and covered from head to toe in gravel and slush. She slams the door noisily behind her, alerting her parents to her presence.

Her mom comes down the stairs in a hastily thrown on housecoat. "AJ, honey, what happened?"

"Your fuckin' puppetard husband happened. He fuckin' brainwashed Mrs. Chung into driving me to Molly's, and she drove the car straight into a fuckin' ditch. And the weather is shockingly pleasant, so now I'm fuckin' damp." The tween shucked her soaked coat aside and stormed up to her room.

Drocell finally showed up at the top of the staircase, orange hair astray and with little bits of straw sticking out from his jammies. Anna taps her foot angrily and glares at him.

.o.

That afternoon, Drocell Jr. approaches his father in his study. "Dad? Can you drive me to hockey practice tonight?" the child asks him.

"Sure thing, bud. Give me a few minutes to find a neighbour who isn't Asian and I'll—"

"No, like _actually_ drive me. Mum said so."

"Oh. Okay."

.o.

"Woo! Spot on sliding, my boy! You sure flicked a lot of snow at that number five fellow!"

Drocell Jr. comes clumsily off the ice. He sighs dramatically at his father. "Do you know the first thing about hockey, dad?"

Drocell blinks. "Should I? I'm from England, son. We play cricket. I play with dolls. There's none of this frozen water, flicky stick net business there. That I know of."

Drocell Jr. mutters something that sounds frightfully similar to, "I will never doubt my sister's use of the r-bomb again."

**Day 4**

Anna hands a bagged lunch each to her son and her husband and kisses them each on the cheek. "Are you sure you can handle this?" she asks Drocell.

"Of course! I'm great with children."

.o.

"What is your dad _doing?_"

Drocell Jr.—DJ, to his friends—glances in his father's direction with dread and is not surprised to find him handing a doll to one of his classmates. "He's... giving Maxwell a doll of himself."

"Dude, that's just... bizarre."

"Quite queer, actually."

"Queer indeed..."

DJ and his friends watch as Drocell ruffles the child's hair and strolls off to admire the craftsmanship of the girls' sundresses. Maxwell gives his doll a good shake, pops off the head, and inspects the innards of it before removing a lighter from his pocket and lighting the thing on fire.

.o.

"My husband did _what?_ Okay, okay Ms. Lottie, thank you. Yes, yes—okay, I assure you it will not be happening again. No, I'll talk to him. Yes, thank you." Anna hangs up the phone and waits for her boys to return home.

The moment Drocell walks through the door she pounces. "You gave the class pyromaniac _kindling?_ What were you thinking!" DJ runs in and hugs her around the waist.

Drocell is taken aback. "How was I to know?"

"Everyone knows! All the other parents know!"

"W-well..."

"Maybe you should've sung the song about the materials a little louder, hm?"

"Yes, I suppose."

"What was it, _Make it out of straw and gas? _If you'd sung it closer to the teacher we could've avoided this whole mess."

"Yes, I know."

"Fine. Now go make dinner. Make it out of ham and potatoes."

**Day 5**

After two hours of playing Paper Toss on his iPhone and another hour of reading Damn You Autocorrect and Post Secret on the internet, Drocell has accomplished nothing at work. He would've made more of an effort if he hadn't been feeling so down in the dumps about his home life. He knows Anna means well and that he isn't a very good parent, but he feels underappreciated all the same. Eventually one of his coworkers pops by with the latest gossip.

"You see the new guy yet?" Mr. Sutcliff inquires, poking his flaming head into Drocell's cubicle.

"No. Anything special about him?"

"Pfft, _yeah!_" Sutcliff leans against the cubicle wall and flaps a hand. "Total _doll_ material. And I hear he's a real slut. He'll have made his way around the entire floor by Chinese New Year."

"Really..." Drocell murmurs. "Where is he right now?"

.o.

Drocell follows Sutcliff's directions to the right cubicle, his tin heart thumping away inside of his chest. Anna wouldn't have to know about this, and it would probably improve his outlook a little. That couldn't hurt, right?

He pokes his head in to find the new office slut lounging at his desk. "Are you my two o' clock?" the new guy asks.

"Um, yes, well you see—"

"Don't care." The new guy stands up, shakes out his supermodel-like ebony tresses, and grabs Drocell by the hand. Drocell half-stumbles into the cubicle and is sat down on the desk. The new guy presses himself against Drocell's hard plastic body and feels him up through his dress shirt. "You're really toned, aren't you? Do you work out?"

"Well, I think I was naturally built like this—" Drocell starts nervously, but he can say no more before the new guy cuts him off with a rough, passionless parody of a kiss. Suddenly he feels horrible about this.

Drocell twists his head away. "Claude, I don't think—"

"Shut up," the new guy says tonelessly and shoves Drocell down on top of his memos and paperwork.

.o.

At three o' clock on the dot Drocell is expelled from the cubicle with a silly grin and no guilty thoughts regarding his wife.

**Day 6**

Anna runs the vacuum under the bed and around the closet door. She opens the closet up to get any dust that may have slipped in and notices something unfamiliar poking out from under the dress pants on Drocell's shelf.

.o.

"Drocell! Would you mind explaining to me what this is?" Anna holds up a porcelain figure with black hair and glasses. A perfect replica of the office slut.

"Uhhhh... One of the neighbours?"

"No it's not."

"DJ's hockey coach?"

"No it's not, and that's weird in itself. I suggest you quit lying to me right now or I'm throwing you out."

"It's uhh... it's uhh... it's uhh..."

"Get out."

Anna pushes Drocell out the front door and tosses the Claude doll out with him. "It's the office slut!"—door slam—"oh she can't hear me."

.o.

Late in the night Drocell shows up at a well-kept manor just a stone's throw from London. He knocks tentatively on the door and is received by a tall, black-haired man. "May I help you?" A short blue-haired kid shows up behind the man in black.

"I hear you take in freaks and outcasts," Drocell says.

A guy who looks like a reptile then shows up at the door. "Oh HAY!" says he.

"HAY!" Drocell says and tosses his Claude doll into the bushes. The blue-haired boy face-palms tiredly and stumbles off.

**Day 7**

Ciel kicked Drocell out of the manor on the grounds that he turned his fiancée into a shiny plastic freak. If he wanted one of those he would have engaged to Heidi Montag.

Claude drove up to the manor and offered to put Drocell up for a few nights, but became instantly horny at Earl Phantomhive's kick-tha-bitch-to-the-curb scene and lost interest in Drocell.

Anna is busy dealing with Alois and Ciel's newborn-but-somehow-of-an-age-capable-of-plotting-evilly-already son/daughter who may very well be and is most likely an imposter and will deal with Drocell later.

Drocell goes to IHOP to eat away his sadness.

* * *

"Well that wraps that up," Brittany concluded. "Sorry, Anna, I took the liberty of naming your unborn children. You prolly got your fair share of naming in with that Andrew fellow anyway."

"It's true," said that Andrew-Felix-Jennifer-Friedrich-Trancy-Phantomhive fellow who for some reason wandered in during Drocell's week. "I have a very long name."

"What _ARE_ you?"

"I'm their—"

"And don't say you're their"—point at Ciel and Alois—"lovechild, because I don't think eye patches are genetic."

"But of course—"

"I'm too tired to deal with you right now. We just did thirteen cases today. That's _a lot!_"

"Finished!" Chocolate Ribbons declared. Everyone popped out of the theatre to inspect her handiwork. The ghost of Madam Red was now the proud owner of a fabulous cherry red up-do, with lots of bouncy curls—but not obnoxiously so like Lizzie's; those just defy every law of physics ever—and very tasteful bangs swept to the side. She no longer looked like she'd hacked off her hair in a dark room in the midst of planning her annihilation of the human race. People applauded.

"Alright, everybody," Brittany shouted. "That's it for today! You can all go home now! Thanks for reading and thank you all again so very much for the reviews! It means the world to me!"

"Brittant, Brittant, Brittant, Brittant, Brittant, Brittant, Brittant, Brittant, Brittant, Brittant, Brittant, Brittant—"

* * *

**This whole thing was almost 10 000 words long :'D Sometimes I wonder how I failed NaNoWriMo so easily. Sorry for the length!**

**Also I think short shorts on dudes may actually be becoming a **_**thing**_**. I read a DearBlankPleaseBlank about it just today and yesterday one of the designers on **_**Project Runway**_** was wearing some. Alois will be upset.**

**Have a brilliant week, everybody! Ideally I will get through all of these post-Chrimbo partay reviews before February, so we'll see about that (but don't hold your breath)! BYE GUYS!**

**P.S. The new **_**Cage the Elephant **_**album is boss.**

**P.P.S. Can someone explain to me what Vocaloids are? I'm totally out of the loop. Prizes for the funniest and most informative description :D**


	23. Ch 14 The One With Zombies and Shit

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, AloisxCiel, SebastianxCiel, EricxAlan, spoilers from the 2****nd**** musical, a hostile takeover and a borrowed OC (le gasp!), Zombieland spoilers with extra zombie, Ke$ha lyrics, and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**Andrew-Felix-Jennifer-Friedrich-Trancy-Phantomhive speaking. If you are unfamiliar with my work, I suggest perusing the latest chapters of the **_**Everybody Loves Ciel Show**_** (episode 32-onwards). If you are too much of a lazy jerk to do so, I will give you a brief rundown right now. I helped write the **_**Communist Manifesto**_** and I am either the son or daughter of Earls Phantomhive and Trancy, depending on the weather. My iguana smokes pot. **

**Oh and I've taken over. Here's the letter I wrote to that annoying Asian midget:**

Dearest Brit-o,

I was like totally (totally) shunned (shunned) from the last episode there, psh, like if you don't have time for me MAKE time for me. Gawd. Anyways, eye-patches are genetic! I don't know if my parents really are Alois and Ciel, yet they are rich, like rolling in money, so mu-ha-ha I'm gonna be the one to take over the fortune, so deal with it. Now, if you don't mind I think I shall kidnap everyone here and take over your court! (or something like that) We've got guns! WATER GUNS! Yes, you can start screaming and crying now. I'll bring some kleenex.

Love Andrew-Felix-Jennifer-Friedrich Trancy-Phantomhive

**I also brought the Japanese Mafia. Take that, betches. And—wait a sec, it sounds as though someone is trying to break down the doors. Sigh, what a bother. I will return shortly.**

"GET THE PHUCK OUT OF MY COURTROOM, YOUR SEXLESS BALL SACK!"

"Wait, how is that even poss—oof!"

"And what's with the nickname? 'Brit-o' sounds like a cleaning product from England! Ciel probably uses it to shine his shoes!"

"_Please_," said Ciel. "I use the tears of orphans to shine my shoes." Then Sebastian started beaming proudly at him so he said, "I jest. That was a _joke_."

Andrew stumbled out of the path of the folding chair Brittany was wailing on him with. "Japanese Mafia, I CHOOSE YOU!"

"It's 'Britt', 'Brin', or 'Brittany', bitch! Don't be adding random vowels to it! And you stole one of my 't's!"

"Okay! Jeez! You're missing the point! I _took over! This courthouse, fic, and all its characters are MINE!_" Andrew yelled evilly. The Japanese Mafia members commenced dousing the courtroom's proper owners with Super Soakers.

"Is that all you've got?" Alois challenged. He tossed his jacket to the floor, loosened his bowtie, and popped open the top buttons of his shirt. After getting sufficiently soaked and grinding a little on the doorjamb each member of the Japanese Mafia was dispatched due to extensive blood loss via the nasal passages. Ciel had to leave the room.

"FLYING KICK-A-POW!" Brittany took one last, wicked swing, and smashed her folding chair into the back of Andrew's skull. He dropped like a sack of fertilizer. "Can someone please return this to Anna? Thank you." She tossed the chair aside. "Hello, everyone, and I hope you all had a fabulous January! I'll wish you all a Happy Chinese New Year whether you celebrate that shit or not. You can all have virtual red envelopes anyway—they have chocolate coins in them!"

"Yeah don't acknowledge this bloody mess or anything," Alois said, stepping gingerly over incapacitated mafia members.

"I want to thank you all again so much for reviewing! I wasn't even keeping tabs on the numbers, and then all of a sudden Lindsay's telling me she's number two hundred and one! That's _insane!_ Freaking unbelievable! A shout-out to Chocolate Ribbons, who _was _lucky reviewer number two hundred!" She whipped out a red button and pressed it, setting off a series of confetti canons. "There goes 2011's budget. So let's get to it! First up on the docket today is a randomly-generated accusation from Usagi M e m o r i e s. Sebastian, dawlin', please approach the stand!"

Sebastian stepped up and bowed. "Please don't put me in another dress," he said.

"Oh dun worry. _You_, good sir, are being charged for the GRAVE INJUSTICE of not having enough promotional art of you dressing like a rabbit. Usagi M e m o r i e s phrased it best by saying 'Not only do you break the hearts of the fangirls who find you attractive, you break the hearts of the fangirls who happen to love cute, fluffy bunnies! (Especially said fangirls who hate spiders and cats but have THOSE shoved in their faces all the time in the series.)' Honestly, get your shit together!"

"I'm not sure I understand. This isn't actually an issue, is it?"

"Of course it is. And you're clearly guilty, so we're going to turn you into a rabbit for a bit for Alois to do what he wishes with."

"Yay!" said Alois. "Including physical torture and killing it?"

"No see the review specifically says 'Excluding physical torture and killing it.'"

"Aw."

"Luca!" Brittany called. The little brunette appeared at the doors pushing a large top hat in front of him. "I got it!" he said proudly.

"Good job. Sebastian, get into the hat." And because Sebastian never learns and continues to doubt the awesome power of an idiot with a computer, he stepped into the hat. When Luca pulled him back out he was a fluffy black bunny rabbit.

"Luca, pass!" Alois shouted. The brunette beamed and tossed the rabbit into his brother's arms. "Now go long!"

_More rabbit adventures:_

"Let's see, Sebunny, do you want to ride on a _brown_ shiny pony or a _pink _shiny pony?"

"I want to ride on the whale!" Luca cheered. He hurtled onto the merry-go-round and claimed his sea mammal.

"You can have the boring brown one, then," Alois told the rabbit. He placed it on the varnished saddle of one of the wooden horses and claimed his own cotton-candy-pink pony. When the ride started the rabbit's tiny paws could find no purchase on the saddle and he had difficulty staying upright. There was much scrabbling about.

_And after that:_

"Fifty-eight, fifty-nine, SIXTY! Ready or not, here I come!" Luca took off like a small chocolate-fuelled rocket and began looking behind boxes and bins. He spent way more time than he should have studying the fish tank.

At last he found one of two. "Sebunny! You silly goose, hiding in the lettuce! Bwahahaha!" Luca scooped up the rabbit and twirled him around. He almost hit one of the produce employees. "Let's find Alois!"

"You mean the kid jumping out at people in the freezer aisle?" the employee asked helpfully.

"Yes! THAT'S MY BIG BROTHER!"

_And then:_

"Yo, you know where I can score some drugs?"

The trio of teenage girls giggled at Alois. One of them cleverly pointed in the direction of the nearest pharmacy.

"Yo dat's coo, dat's coo."

The employee working the nearby newest-and-most-improved-cellular-telephone-service-providing-company said, "Psst, kid, I know a guy."

Alois skipped over. "Yeah?"

"Go 'round back. There's the parkade there, yeah? He's up in the stairwell on floor nine. Got some real primo weed for your money."

"Thanks, sir," Luca said.

Up in the stairwell on floor nine the dealer looked Alois and Luca up and down. "You kids got any dough?"

"We got this rabbit."

"Yo I'll take it."

_Back in court where security took away the Macken's pot:_

"Next case! Let's check in on the Undertaker, shall we?"

_Inside a coffin store somewhere:_

"What interesting dimensions, kufu~" The coffin undergoing the Undertaker's inspection popped open suddenly, revealing TLC personnel Stacy London and Clinton Kelly. "Oh? _Kekekeke! _That's a good one!"

"Pleasure to meet you, Undertaker, can I call you Undy? My name is Stacy London. We're going to take you back to our studio and completely undermine your individuality while ruthlessly tearing up all of your favourite clothing items because people who care about you told us to. Alright? Let's go!"

_At the What Not to Wear studio:_

"Emerald Line was right; this hat is _totally tasteless._" Stacy tossed the Undertaker's hat unceremoniously into a garbage can.

"She's right about the robe too," Clinton pitched in. "It looks _exactly _like a Snuggie! Are you a working man or are you an eternal couch potato? Sheesh!" The robe was discarded as well.

"This isn't funny anymore."

_Back at the courtroom:_

Stacy and Clinton stood on either side of the doorway. "Friends and family of Undy, are you ready to see his transformation?"

"Yeah!" said Luca and Brittany.

"Well here he is!" The hosts opened the courtroom doors to reveal the fruits of their labour. Clinton fainted. "Undy! That's not what we told you to wear!" Stacy barked.

The Undertaker's dust-coloured hair was now primarily bubble-gum pink, with orange and black undertones. He had pierced his lip and put on the most indecisive-looking outfit ever—some terrifying lovechild creation of a jap style goth/visual kei fanatic and a punkish scene kid—which consisted of a swallow-tail trench with bright polka-dot lining, an intensely ruffled shirt with three too many bowties, skinny skinny skinny jeans—held together by only a few intact threads and held up by several checkered/plaid belts with dinosaur buckles—with toxic green tights underneath, and knee-high, heavily-buckled black elevator boots. He was covered in buttons, studs and lace, his fingerless gloves were mismatched and there was a pair of fake demonic wings sprouting out of his back.

"I thought this would be more amusing," the Undertaker said without a note of regret. "Plus it is never wise to trust someone with two first names." He grinned in the direction of the fashionistas.

"Show us your eyes!" Alois yelled. "Show us your eyes show us your eyes!"

"If you insist." The Undertaker raised two clawed hands and swept his pink bangs aside. Everyone screamed.

"_For the love of all that is good and horny put your hair back_!"

The Undertaker hid his eyes once more.

Everyone struggled to catch their breath again. "I can't tell if that's the sexiest or most terrifying thing I have ever witnessed."

"It was most musical, that's for sure."

"The one that smelled most like maaaasking tape." (this line © to _Phineas and Ferb_)

"The bluest."

"Nuh uh! The greenest!"

"Just never do it again."

Brittany exhaled heavily. "I might have post-traumatic shock... But we must press on! It's time for Case 72. Viscount of Druitt, please approach the stand."

Druitt twirled into the room in his usual hackneyed explosion of sparkles and roses. Ciel's eye twitched. "How does he do that?" Luca whispered.

"Will I be assisting the judge once more?" the flamboyant man inquired. "I did so enjoy my time during the last occasion. 'Twas as sweet as the maraschino cherry on the top of a—"

"Shut your flapper. This ain't no tea party, blondie! You have _serious legal stuff_ to account for!"

"Oh? Oh my, oh dear me!" The Viscount cupped his cheeks in his hands and sank melodramatically to the floor. "How could this have _happened?_ Where did I go wrong?"

The judging panel watched his breakdown for a bit. "Why can't everyone else take me this seriously?" Brittany asked.

"Height."

"Age."

"Social class."

"Lack of credentials."

"That was rhetorical, you pompous dolts. Viscount, buddy ol' pal! The stand?"

Druitt got to his feet with a sniffle and put his hands up against the stand. "I will do my time with dignity and grace," he declared.

"I'm tickled. Cjestarstyle has two accusations for you, which I will be delivering out of order for convenience's sake. The first regards your stupid modified version of the greeting for the Aurora Society, which you 'arranged to pose in your own style'? I'm sorry, but you can't throw on that much flair and expect us to continue to believe you're straight. Perhaps the true reason you like women of all ages is to go shoe shopping with them? And let's face it: without all the flowers and shinies in the background it would just look retarded, like you 'accidentally dropped' your pencil so that cute boy from your chem class would pick it up and start a conversation with you, while you're simultaneously pulling your groin. If you wanna do high-kicks like that try joining the Pussycat Dolls." She took a much-needed breath. "How do you plead?"

The Viscount looked dismayed. "Oh, _fine!_ I admit it! I'm _gay!_ My whole life is a lie!"

"We're just looking for a 'guilty'."

"No, no, no! It's time I embraced the truth, boldly, the way a sunflower embraces the sky! All the gossip and flirting, my entire reputation, it has all been a ruse! Why, whenever it came time to actually bring a lady to bed I imagined—"

"Just an 'I'm guilty' would be fine."

"I believe it all began when I was a child. You see, my father—"

"Fine, we'll wait. It's not like we draw these things out to ridiculous word counts as it is."

One semi-tragic back-story later—involving liberal use of the word 'feathers' and a lengthy anecdote hinting at Druitt's parents stealthily raising him as a gay little boy for their own amusement—the Viscount finally admitted to his guilt and was instructed to think of a new, less stupid-looking version of the phoenix greeting. He settled on tucking his hands into his pits and flapping his elbows like a chicken.

Alois and Luca debated. "It's perfect," they finally declared.

"Accusation _numero deux:_ the unlawful attempt to auction poor Ciel here off to a bunch of crazy cult people and perverts."

Ciel choked on his tea. "W-what are you talking about? When did this happen? When I was at my manor doing boy things? When I was playing with my robots?" He shot a half-panicked half-furious all-implicative look at Brittany.

"I feel like you're trying to tell me something."

"You know, now that you mention it..." The Viscount stopped his flapping for a moment and looked very closely at Ciel's face. "I have been seeing a lot of children with an eye like that lately."

"Well I wasn't one of them," Ciel insisted. "Except for the time when I was."

"Oh, can it, Phantomhive. There are no secrets here in court. Viscount, you tried to turn Ciel into a sacrificial whatchacallit again, which is sick and unfair because he's already been through that whole deal before." Brittany petted Ciel's hair. "Poor poor thing."

"Stop touching me."

"Your punishment is to be sold to perverts/occultists yourself!"

_Out on the sidewalk:_

"Druitt for sale! Only twenty-five cents!" Brittany called from behind the Druitt Stand she'd had built and set up. "Quench your thirst with a nice cold glass of Druitt!"

"It's minus thirty out today," Ciel pointed out.

"Oh, that's right too. Then warm yourself up with a steaming mug of Druitt! Comes with marshmellows! Biscotties are also available."

Druitt started rambling frantically from inside his large glass pitcher. "I don't understand. I can't be sold in mugs! I'm a solid piece of matter!"

"Well," said Ciel, "perhaps the demand is to sell you off in pieces. Did you think of that?"

"You guys are _meeean!_"

"Hello, sir, can I interest you in a piping hot cup of Druitt to warm your bones?"

The sir was wearing a suspicious mask over his eyes and his membership card to the Kuro Universe Association of Perverted Lords and Ladies (KUAoPLaL) could be seen poking out of his pocket. "Hmm, yes actually. I think I'll buy the whole pitcher from you, if you don't mind."

"Oh thank god," Druitt sighed. Then he saw the card. "Wait! Not _KUAoPLaL!_ Noooo!" The masked sir paid Ciel and Brittany, put the pitcher of Druitt in his wagon and walked off whistling.

"I think that was a success, don't you, Ciel?"

"Yes, I suppose it was. I do feel rather accomplished."

"Indeed."

"Quite."

They went back into the courthouse to find Alois conversing with a tall white bird. He noticed his pseudo-boyfriend come in and turned to him with an ecstatic look on his face. "Ciel! Look who came! It's The _Stork!_"

Ciel turned back the way he'd come. "On second thought I believe I have business elsewhere today—oof!" Alois had barreled into him and latched onto his arm.

"Come see come see! Let's see what baby Botata looks like!"

"Do we really have to call it that?"

"Well what do _you_ want to call it?"

"I don't know, something normal? Like Elijah, or Will? Or Harold? Or..."

"Is Harold another one of your dogs?"

"No."

"Here it is, um, boys." The Stork placed a bundle in Alois' arms and got Ciel to sign a few papers on a clipboard. "I can't say I understand why we're delivering this one to two little boys, but it's not my place to judge."

Ciel sighed. "Thank you."

"Get ready, Ciel!" Alois exclaimed giddily. "Come watch me unwrap it!"

Though dreading what monstrosity he might see, Ciel peeked over Alois' shoulder as he slipped the blanket away and uncovered a tiny, pale face and little hands—attached to the rest of the baby, of course. "Oh ma gaw ith tho cuuute!" Alois squealed. The baby had Ciel's sapphire eyes and pale green hair, as Alois had predicted when he was only uttering random musings. Alois stroked said hair and said, "Hey, when it gets warm it changes colour to blue. That's _so cool!_"

"Yeah, it's really cool. Can we get back to work now?"

"I wonder if it turns blonde when it gets cold? Let's find out!" Alois then ran out of the room to presumably dump his baby in ice water.

"You guys are going to be great parents!" Brittany congratulated them. "But just in case, I've hired KaZe as a nanny. She should be here any moment."

"Get back in there!" Everyone turned to find KaZe pushing Alois and the baby back through the doorway. "I love you, hun, but you can't bathe babies in cold water. They need _warm _water."

Alois held the baby up to his face. "Ciel look, I made him blonde! Doesn't he look just like me now?" That was quick.

"Hello, KaZe," Ciel said politely.

"Hello, Ciel. I hope for your baby's sake his daddy's a little more competent than his mom." Alois pouted. "But we can always find a _different_ job for you, Alois. What do you think?" KaZe raised an eyebrow implicatively.

"What? Oh I get it, you're flirting with me! Oh Ciel, doesn't this make you jealous?"

"Not particularly. If she wants to be the nanny for you _and_ the baby that's perfectly alright with me. Quite preferable, actually."

KaZe grinned, hooked an arm around Alois' waist and steered him out of the room. "Come on, I'll teach you how to give a proper bath."

"Ack! KaZe, you're really lovely and all, but you don't have any of the right PARTS! I need Ciel!" And then they were gone.

Brittany got out her papers and said, "Now that that's taken care of it's time to see what Zeni has to say. Her first accusation is for Ronald Knox, so if that zombie-slaughtering badass could step up to the stand that would be just lovely."

Knox came in with sunglasses and a scantily-clothed woman on either arm. "Top of the morning."

"Yes, hello. You are being charged for not being in Kuro long enough, and since this was delivered before your recent appearance in the manga we'll just pretend it refers to the anime. Or we'll tack on 'until now'. Sound cool?"

"Yeah sure. Listen, is this going to take long? I was hoping to catch some brunch with my ladies here."

"Oh, Ronald, you're so thoughtful."

"TEE HEE."

Brittany blinked. "They seem like real catches. Anyway, for your punishment Zeni says 'YOU MUST FACE THE UPSET CUTE FACE OF YOUR BOYFRIEND WHO STILL CALLS YOU SEMPAI! XD while he's in a mini yukata what could rival Alois' booty shorts! XD (he'll be wearing short leggings under though! XD keep Sebastain away from him! O.o He's half cat!)'."

"I'm sorry, I don't speak fangirl," Knox said.

"Oh, Ronald, that's so sexy of you."

"Thanks for the input. I'm not too fluent myself, so I had it translated. Laura was kind enough to do so for me—thanks, doll. Apparently it means 'Your sentence is to witness your gentleman-friend's adorable visage become saddened. He's a drop-dead-cute-sexy-catboy.' So let's see here..." Brittany pulled a large box up from under her desk and started digging through its contents. "Gentleman-friend... gentleman-friend... Ah, here's one." She held up the Sebastian bunny. "No wait, it's supposed to be part cat. Let's try again..." She rummaged some more and pulled out CatDog.

"HI, guys!" said Dog.

"What was I doing in that box?" asked Cat.

"I don't think that's correct either," said Knox.

"Alright, alright. Is it this rabid lynx?"

The lynx said, "Rawr grr claw rrrrrr fffffff."

"Ronald, I'm scared!"

"Nothing I can't mow, babe."

"Does anyone know how to make a lynx sad?"

Ciel swiftly popped a sack over the lynx, tied it, and handed it off to one of the Dementors. "Perhaps we should stop right here before someone gets severely injured." He glanced down at Andrew's mini-army that still hadn't been cleaned up. "Again."

"Well _look_ who grew a pair. Fine then. Whatever you say, boss. Or what was it—" Brittany glanced at KaZe's job application—"'Daddy Ciel'? Would you like to go by that now? How 'bout that?"

"No thank you."

"It has a certain _ring_ to it."

"Who's up next?"

"Sebastian, but we'll let that slide for a bit—I don't think he can manage this in his condition." The Sebunny was all sprawled out and his eyes were unfocused. He looked vaguely stoned. "Yeah see. So Claude! I know he's lurking around here somewhere."

The Trancy butler rose up from under one of the floor tiles. "A minor crush into an obsession, a run-of-the-mill funnel into a wide-range, ultra-sensitive eavesdropping device, and a crawlspace into my new bachelor pad. That is the way of the Trancy butler."

"That is unnerving, to say the least. Zeni is accusing you of being quote unquote 'awesome'. She sent this devil's food cake for you."

Claude accepted the cake and lowered himself back into his hole. "A blue-haired earl into my pet, a porcelain tile into my front door, and Zeni's gift into poooo..." The last 'that is the way' part was muffled by the replacement of the tile.

Ciel's face had contorted into his best whutthephuck expression.

"Should I be charging rent?"

_Ciel, you're my object of affection,_

_My drug of choice,_

_My sick obsession._

_I want to keep you as my pet,_

_To play with and hide under my bed._

_FOREVER!_

_Ciel,_

_Why won't you call me._

_I'm sitting here waiting._

_Why won't you call me._

_Ciel,_

_I'm feeling pathetic,_

_I can't take rejection,_

_Why won't you call me._

"Great. Now he's singing Ke$ha. That's just great!"

Ciel's eye twitched. "Please change my butler back."

"Hm? Oh, has it been half a day?" Brittany checked her imaginary watch. "Alright then. Give him a kiss."

"...What?"

"That's how you change a small amphibian back into a handsome man. Didn't your mum ever read you fairy tales?"

"...Rabbits aren't amphibians!"

"Well that's the only way you'll get Sebastian back, so you can give him a smooch or live in constant fear of getting surprise adopted by Claude! Here!" She retrieved the now-trembling Sebunny from his sleeping-off-his-high place under the couch cushions and stuck it on Ciel's lap. She then proceeded to make obscene kissing noises. "Just like that, Ciel."

The pissy earl held the black rabbit gingerly up to his face, grimaced for a minute, then leaned forward with his eye slammed shut and pecked it ever so slightly on its twitching rabbity mouth. One loud two-second sparkle explosion later Sebastian was leaning forward in all his ridiculously tall glory and making kissy lips at Ciel. "Sebastian! Cease this grotesque display at once!"

"Sebastian! Sing us a song!"

"Might I inquire why?"

"Zeni said you have an amazing singing voice and she wants you to sing some Japanese song. It's called 'The Daily Routine of a Butler.' Apparently you've done it before."

"But here I speak English."

"Hm, that's right too. Sing something else then!"

So the triplets popped up from behind the desk, one with a banjo, one with a key-tar, and one with a triangle. They began to play.

_Old Earl Phantom had a manor,_

_EE I EE I OH!_

_And on that manor he had a gardener._

_EE I EE I OH!_

_With a waa, crap! here,_

_and a waa I'm sorry! there,_

_Here a waa, there a waa, everywhere a waa, waa,_

_Old Earl Phantom had a manor,_

_EE I EE I OH!_

_Old Earl Phantom had a manor,_

_EE I EE I OH!_

_And on that manor he had a chef._

_EE I EE I OH!_

_With a blow shit up! here,_

_And a blow shit up! there,_

_Here a blow, there a blow, this sounds wrong, oh no,_

_Old Earl Phantom had a manor,_

_EE I EE I OH!_

_Old Earl Phantom had a manor,_

_EE I EE I OH!_

_And on that manor he had a maid._

_EE I EE I OH!_

_With a blush flush here,_

_And a trip fawn there,_

_Here a blush, there a fawn, somehow tripped on the lawn,_

_Old Earl Phantom had a manor,_

_EE I EE I OH!_

_ONE MORE EVERYBODY! THIS ONE'S EASY! _

_Old Earl Phantom had a manor,_

_EE I EE I OH!_

_And on that manor he had a gnome._

_EE I EE I OH!_

_With a ho ho ho! here,_

_And a ho ho ho! there,_

_Here a ho, there a ho, when'd we get to the ghetto?_

_Old Earl Phantom had a manor,_

_EE I EE I OH!_

"Clap clap clap clap clap!" said Luca. "I LOVE REPITITION!"

Alois finally wandered back in. "Yo."

Brittany skimmed the reviews. "You know who also gets a cake? I also get a cake! And she didn't find it under her couch this time!" A second cake appeared on the desk. "Thanks, Zeni! Cheers!" The next charge was delivered over a mouthful of baked good. "Awright, fiss wun's gun be rear fun. Shiew, couldjoo pwea approah huh sand?"

Ciel cringed. "That is abhorrent behaviour for _any_ lady."

"Fu*phlegm* you." (I don't know how to spell phlegm noises). Brittany swallowed her cake. "So is sleeping around the way you do."

"I'm not a lady."

"'Isn't sexism usually frowned upon in a court setting?'" she quoted. "Regardless, your coquettish tendencies as of late are not our focus at the moment. YOU are being charged by one let's-make-a-deal for your grossnasty actions at Baron Kelvin's place—who by the way, reviewers, still has not paid us a visit despite his disturbing Ciel-fetish and that other thing he likes watching; you know what I mean. You puked all over your hands, touched Sebastian all over with them, and then ordered him to burn the orphans! Let's-make-a-deal also made the point of saying that she found this scene hot until remembering it was your vomit. So way to go, Ciel. Your puke ruins everything!"

Ciel narrowed his eye. "I feel no need to justify any of my actions at the baron's manor."

"So guilty then. As for your punishment, I feel a primordial urge to carry out something vomit-related... Perhaps we'll have charred orphan zombies rub their pukey hands all over Ciel. Were they orphans? I can't remember, he just said, 'Burn it', and it would've ruined the moment if he said, 'Burn the building with the orphans in it' or 'Burn the building and the kidnapped children as well.' Regardless, that might be a tad too traumatic, and Ciel doesn't like trauma... Ramble ramble."

"If you do any such thing I shall consider it reasonable grounds to have you arrested."

"Plan B then."

_Plan B then:_

"Are you ready, Young Master?"

Ciel sighed tiredly. "Fine. Do what you must."

"My apologies if I make you sticky. It's only fair."

"Yes, I'm aware of that."

The pair tiptoed into the shinigami's rec room/kitchenette where a box of Eggos with 'THESE BRITCHES ARE BELONG TO GRELL—SO LEGGO MY EGGOES, YOU SNEAKY MOTHERFUNCTIONS!' written on it in Sharpie was sitting on the counter. One Eggo was cooking away in the toaster.

Sebastian took a jar of jam out of his pocket, dunked his hands in it, and grabbed Ciel by the front of the shirt. He made sure to needlessly smear some of the sticky red substance on the boy's cheeks. "Burn it!" Sebastian said.

Ciel sighed again and said his lines. "Burn it? This Eggo?"

"Hell yeah!"

Ciel freed his sticky self from Sebastian's grasp and turned the heat setting on the toaster all the way up. It was smoking when they left.

_Again! Again!:_

Ciel and Sebastian were sitting in front of a fire pit, roasting marshmellows. Sebastian ditched his for a minute and squirted Deep Woods OFF Lotion all over his hands. He grabbed Ciel by the front of the shirt and shook him a bit. "Burn it!"

"Burn it? This marshmellow?"

"That's right."

Ciel sighed and allowed the cylindrical white treat to catch on fire.

_One more!:_

Sebastian and Ciel were at the playground. They were playing Grounders (a version of tag) with the local kids, but one of the little bastards refused to play by the rules. He was It and he kept opening his eyes on the equipment.

Sebastian grabbed Ciel by the front of the shirt, covering him with some unidentified white substance.

"What the heck is this!"

Sebby pointed to the cheater. "Burn it."

"What did you just get all over my shirt?"

"SHUT UP! IT'S AN ORDER!"

Ciel sighed and approached the child. "Hey."

"Yeah?"

"Your mother is so fat that her BMI is measured in acres. She is also so poor that when she goes to KFC she has to lick other people's fingers, and that _ducks_ throw bread at _her_. And lastly, she is so old that she knew the Burger King when he was still a prince. Burn." Ciel finished by flipping the kid off.

"What's all over your shirt?"

_Back in ze courtroom:_

"RYAN STROKER!"

"It's pronounce _Stoker._"

"I am aware of that. I like Stroker better. This is the last one from cjestarstyle! She wants to charge you for bringing zombies into Kuroshitsuji because they so clearly do not belong there! She says, 'Zombies are cool, and Kuroshitsuji is the most awesome invention of humankind, but the two cannot and should NEVER mix! Imagine a zombie-Ciel or a zombie-Sebastian. That just doesn't work! It'll become as gross as Hannah...' Powerful words, don't you think? How do you plead, Mr. Stroker?"

"What is this place? I find the auras to be incredibly unhealthy."

"Can it, Dr. Frankenhippie! The court finds you GUILTY, and your punishment is going to be UNTHINKABLY AWFUL! Please stand by."

"Standing is healthy!"

"Is Sebastian back yet?"

The butler appeared and bowed. "Affirmative. I have returned."

"Laura's charging you for not knowing how to kill a zombie properly. Surely as a servant of the Phantomhive family you should be able to do as much!"

Ciel sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I know, it is _so_ hard to find decent help these days."

"You are to reenact a zombie movie of my choosing, and since I can't get enough of Jesse Eisenberg at the moment and I've only actually seen one zombie movie, you're going to do _Zombieland_. Got it?"

"I believe I can handle that."

"Stroker's coming with."

_In a dorm room somewhere:_

Sebastian wakes up to find that the hot, frightened blue-haired boy he let in last night is still asleep on his shoulder. "Good morning," he says. Funny, but something smells like rotting flesh... Just as he's wondering if he left any food out the boy wakes up and tries to eat Sebastian's face off. "Grilled Cheesus Crust!" Sebastian bolts away and locks himself in the bathroom.

"Okay, remember, get 'em in the head." He cleverly removes the porcelain lid for the toilet tank and wields it as a weapon. He suspensefully gets to his feet and yanks open the door. The zombie boy is already dead (again) on the floor, and a perky man in a lab coat is standing behind him with a shotgun. "Hm, you'd think I would've heard that."

"Let's hunt zombies!"

_In a hummer somewhere:_

"So what's your name?" Sebastian asks.

"Can't tell you," says perky labcoat man. "There's no use getting attached to people out here. You can call me Campania. That's where I'm from."

"Oh. Cool. Then you can call me Hell."

Jesse Eisenberg pipes up from the back seat. "You can call me Columbus."

"What's Mark Zuckerberg doing here?"

_In a grocery store somewhere:_

Hell and Campania walk in—fully armed—and do a full sweep of the premises. Hell comes across two men sucking face in one of the aisles. They look vaguely familiar to him. "Do I know you?"

The men part for a moment to give the intruder a once-over. "Oh joy, Alan. It's _this_ guy."

"I can see that, Eric."

"You killed me, you asswipe!"

"You inadvertently caused my death."

"Do you feel like punching him, Alan?"

"Why yes I do, Eric."

The two get to their feet and stretch. Hell seems to have forgotten how to kill zombies. AGAIN. So Eric Slingby draws back a fist and punches him square in the face. While he's still reeling Alan Humphries gets him in the groin, then they go back to making out.

_Way way ahead at the theme park that I can't remember the name to:_

Hell and Campania are trapped on a mini Drop of Doom as hundreds of starving, enraged zombies gather below them. They begin screaming as they start to descend. Columbus is on the ground, shooting like mad at the undead.

"I don't know how much longer I can hold them off!" Columbus says. "I don't know if I _can_ hold them off! How did this go in the actual movie?" He takes a moment to think. "Oh that's right... I grew a pair to save Wichita." He looks up at Hell and Campania, neither of whom is Emma Stone playing a sexy mysterious young woman. "Well that's a no-brainer." No pun intended. He leaves.

Hell continues to fire down at the zombies. "This is all your fault, Stroker!"

"It's _STOKER!_"

Finally they both run out of ammunition. "Screw this," says Hell. "I'm going back home." A portal of fire erupts, banshees shriek, the eternally damned howl in agony, and Sebastian is swallowed up in it, leaving Stroker to fend for himself.

"Screw you, Hell! Screw you, Eisenberg!"

_Back in court_:

Brittany scratched her head. "I just ruined that movie for everyone. I apologize. Seriously though, Eisenberg on SNL? 'Science is fun!' Anna will know what I'm talking about."

"And that," KaZe said, "is how you rock a baby. So don't let me catch you shaking him anymore."

"Okay..." said Alois.

"So that cameo from the late shinigamis Alan and Eric corresponds to an accusation from ShadowedMistress15/AloisTranny, as she was named at the Chrimbo party. She charged them for appearing for a mere three hours in the second musical and becoming her favourite characters—'evening beating out Alois'—and then having the gall to get themselves killed! Rude, right? And for the only canon yaoi couple—though Ciel and Sebastian are seriously convincing—they were lacking in the 'yaoi scenage' department. As well, Sebastian—for his involvement in their deaths—was to receive two punches from the couple. So that covers everything!"

Ciel sipped his tea with a smirk.

"Those are all the cases for today, but before we go we've got one last confetti canon to set off! I need my favourite bitch to come in and do the honours!"

Lindsay showed up with a birthday tiara and lots of balloons. "A party? For me? You shouldn't have!"

"Yeah well we already have cake! Happy belated birthday, dawlin'!"

"Why thank you!" Lindsay was handed a button which she swiftly pressed, causing a loud glittery explosion. "Hooray!"

Then everyone danced and someone tripped on the dead mafia members and had to go to the hospital, but the rest continued dancing regardless, tossed back some booze, played Twister, ate cake, etc etc until they passed out. The end!

* * *

**Thanks again for the reviews! They just make my day :D Like utterly.**

**Happy birthday to Lindsay, who celebrated on the 29****th**** (I didn't forget; I'm just lazy)(better late than never yes?)**

**Hm, **_**quel d'autre? **_**I'm looking to appeal to a larger audience. Suggestions, anyone? Critisisms? Am I starting to annoy you all? **

**Have a great week! :D**


	24. Ch 15 THE KKC MUSICAL part 1

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, AloisxCiel, SebastianxCiel, WillxGrell, Durarara referencing, S&M, an abnormal amount of violence and overall nasty stuff, cruddy attempts to avoid said stuff, judge musical chairs, cosplay, Ke$ha, puking, Lizzie, and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**IT'S A MUSICAL GOD-FUCKING-DAMNIT! THAT DOESN'T MERIT THAT MANY SWEARS BUT WHAT THEY HEY? WHY DID I DECIDE TO STOP CURSING ANYWAY? IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.**

**My apologies for the hiatus. I was shipwrecked in the Two Trig Seas after a Chem storm savaged my vessel and the boat flooded with English. My loyal Psych crew did their best to bail us out, but alas the storm was too brutal.**

**Disclaimer: I sure as frick don't own any of this baloney. Bologna. etc. Now turn yur cellular telephones off! And please, no talking or hoo-hawing during the feature presentation. Guffaw as much as you like.**

**P.S. **_**Arc en Ciel**_**is French for rainbow. Fun eh?**

**P.P.S. Lindsay: I'm not a rapist! I'm 5ft2, but some guy on the bus **_**did**_** ask me if I was a midget once. I'm doing just peachy, thanks for asking, and you? and I've never smoked anything in my life. Also why don't you just get a freaking account already?**

**P.P.P.S. The acrostic poem I told you guys to look for was Alois' name. He said he goes by the **_**A**_**wesome, **_**L**_**ovely, **_**O**_**utstanding, **_**I**_**ntelligent, **_**S**_**eductive name of Alois. Nice tries though.**

**P.P.P.P.S. Pretend I posted this yesterday. It's just 'cause Sebby claims this happened before V-Day.**

**P.P.P.P.P.S. Actually not proof-read, for the first time ever. My apologies for nonsense or typos.**

* * *

In an extravagant fanfare of violin-y trumpet-y Disney-esque biz-natch, Alois burst onto the stage in a flurry of blue birds and a deer. "_Today will be a fantabulous day!_" sang he, "_Oh so queer and rather gay, in the most suggestive way! This chapter will be glorious, or my name's not Alois! Todaaaaaay, will be a faaaaaan-taaaaa-bu-lous DAAAAAAAAY!_"

Ciel joined him on the set (built to resemble a courtroom, understandably) with what could only be described as some serious grump. "Today will be no such thing. It never is. And production has gone far down! We're so incredibly behind schedule!" He shoved the judge's papers in Alois' face. "Do you see this backlog? We have to get all of this done _today_. So there's no time for singing!"

Alois pouted and crossed his arms. "Ciel, don't be a sourpuss! All work and no play makes Ciel a dull lay!"

"Why are you speaking so loudly?"

"I'm _projecting!_"

"Well, shut up and—"

"_It's sad you see, so terribly tragic! Poor Ciel is such a bore! He'd have more fun playin' with me for sure! 'Cause this darling boy I _do _adore. Oh lovely Ciel, I do implore! Be my whore! GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR!_

"What?"

"I SAID GET DOWN!" Alois leapt and tackled the smaller boy, sending the two of them crashing to the stage floor with a _thwack_. Sebastian back-flipped overhead where the boys' pretty defenseless faces had just been and landed lithely behind them. There was a great deal of ruckus and clamourousness coming from the direction from which he'd entered.

"I foresee a disruption of catastrophic proportions," Ciel muttered. This was the closet thing to 'well, _fuck_ me,' he would say today.

"_I apologize, Young Master; if I could take care of it any faster, I assure you, for you I wooooould!_" Sebastian sang. "_But I sense an impeding gang fight—for you surely a fright! Please box yourself with Trancy if you coooooould!_"

"Why do I need Trancy in my box?"

"_Alas, I cannot tell a lie, so Young Master, I'll _tell_ you why: You have a lethal tendency, to un-box yourself and run a free. The purpose of Earl Trancy, is in fact to keep you company, so that you may stay safe and snug while I kill off this gang of thugs! You see?_"

"Can people please stop speaking to me in song?"

"Box time!" said Alois. He opened a cleverly concealed hatch in the base of the judge's desk and shoved Ciel in. He crawled in behind him and shut and presumably dead-bolted the door.

Not a second later the stage was flooded with an army of Japanese gang members, each with a yellow bandana somewhere about their person. "Yo, where'd that punk-ass pretty boy go?" one of them inquired.

"Yeah, we gotta bring that _PA-YAIN_, yo! Got _street cred_ to uphold, yo!"

"Ah ah ah," that phony baloney (bologna) Andrew-Felix-Jennifer-Friedrich-Trancy-Phantomhive kid tsked, emerging at the front of the mob. "Allow me to negotiate briefly with my 'parents' first. Then you are welcome to 'bring the pain'." He had a yellow bandana tied in a leaderly fashion around his throat. The Yellow Scarves' new leader! Oh my!

"I am afraid the young men you seek are currently unavailable," Sebastian informed the conniving imposter.

"Well they'd better _make_ themselves available or I might develop abandonment issues! Where are they? They better not be whipping up another illegitimate child, 'cause there ain't _NO way_ I'm splitting my inheritance."

In the cupboard/box Ciel spit out his tea. "Ciel, that's gross."

Sebastian bowed politely to his attackers with a poorly concealed smirk on his face. "It is no business of mine what the young nobles do in their time alone, _particularly_ so close to Valentine's Day. I also have no intention of disrupting whatever it is that I'm not supposed to care about them doing that they're doing, so any qualms you have with the couple will be passed along through me."

Half the Yellow Scarves had gotten bored and were texting. "Dude, this is seriously harshing my mellow."

"I'd rather take another crack at that vending machine tosser. At least he's _interesting_."

"Yeah no kidding." The scarved ruffians took their leave to go get pummeled by Shizuo, where no doubt Izaya would show up to cause trouble and stomp on cellular telephones and junk.

"What?" Andrew sputtered. "No! _I WANT THAT MONEY!_" He repeated himself in a much more echoey, growly, demonic flame-spewing hellish sort of way than before. "_**I NEED THAT FUCKING MONEY!**_"

"I'll pass the message along," Sebastian promised.

A folding chair fell from the catwalk above stage, struck Andrew on the head, and rendered him unconscious. "Goddamn, I dropped my folding chair!" came Brittany's voice. "Could someone pass that back to me?"

Sebastian popped open the cupboard door to retrieve his Box-chans. "Gentlemen."

Only when the light hit did Ciel notice Alois' hand creeping up his shorts. "Alois! You said that was a draft!"

"You believed me!"

Ciel dumped the remaining contents of his teacup on Alois' head. The blonde gaped.

"Wet t-shirt contest!" Brittany hollered.

"Actually, it's Bath Time!" countered the voice of Nanny KaZe. She floated down via parasol (Mary Poppins style, betches!) with baby Botata the colour-changing abomination baby cradled in her free arm. "I'm charging you, Daddy Ciel, oh sexy little employer of mine, for being every cougar's dream! Particularly in demon form!" She landed delicately on the stage.

"Oh! That gives me an idea," Ciel mumbled.

Alois looked at him with that uncontainable-excitement face. Any thought sparked by the words 'bath', 'sexy' and/or 'cougar' was bound to be worth a penny.

"We should _hire a new, more efficient judge,_" Ciel said proudly.

"Watch it, _Arc en Ciel. _I've got more chairs up here."

"I have personally executed far more formidable men than you. You don't scare me, _Britt-uh-ny_," Ciel said, using the correct, pretentious, British pronunciation of the judge's awful name. "What you have failed to realize in all your painful months of judging is that your methods are repetitive yet inefficient. If I take matters into my own hands and employ a more competent man for the job, we will finish sooner and I can go home."

"You just wasted so much time right now."

KaZe set her parasol aside and hooked an arm through Alois'. "Hey, Ciel baby, we have _Bath Lessons_ to attend to. Come now or I'll never forgive you for that stupid phoenix pose you did."

"Yes come, Ciel! It's not as awful as you might think," Alois added. "We get to play with bubbles!"

"I think he'd look good in bubbles, don't you?"

"Oh yes," Alois agreed with a smirk. "Oh yes indeed."

Sebastian offered up his opinion, "He does look rather appealing all soapy and wet."

"No. I actually have _real work_ to do now," Ciel argued. Regardless, Alois and KaZe each grabbed an arm and towed him to the bathroom that is apparently onsite. "I want to come," Claude exclaimed tonelessly and tap-danced across the stage. Sebastian swiftly drop-kicked him in the face.

Brittany crashed noisily to the stage via sandbags and pulleys. "That worked better in my head. Who wants to play Shinigami R-Rated Punishments—For Some Reason They All Turned Out Like That This Week; Maybe I Missed A Joke Or Something But Nonetheless I Find These Coincidences Intriguing—Variety Hour? Otherwise known as ."

Sebastian smiled. "I suppose that could be enjoyable."

"Sebastian you will be the judge that is an order!" Ciel hollered before getting dragged out of earshot.

"Well crap." Brittany made an across-the-chest-U-formation-Well-Rats-snapping-motion. You know the one. "He's never used the That's An Order card against me before... How odd and plot-holey, now that I think about it..."

Sebastian pressed a five dollar bill into Brittany's hand. "Go see a film or something."

"With five dollars?" Light bulb. "Don't you know that it costs like, a _hundred_ dollars in this century?"

"Hm, I was not aware." Sebastian produced a wallet of Ciel's money and supplied Brittany with the difference. "That should cover the cost."

"Thanks, doll! If I come back with a fuckload of books don't be alarmed. They give those out for free at theatres now."

"What a queer era..." He waited for Brittany to victory dance off the stage. With the judge out of the way Sebastian made himself comfortable on the couch/desk where Sebastian-dog, Sammie, and various other household pets that reviewers kept selling to fanfiction were gathered. There was a generous helping of cats, so he was appeased enough. "Second on the docket for today, we have, as the young lady explained, the more notorious of the shinigami we are familiar with. Such individuals as Grell, William, and Ronald Knox will be brutally tortured for the sake of 'justice'. Will they join us now please?"

Knox and Grell skipped in with William between them. They sang the following: "_We've got the Will, the Will we've got, and so onto the stage we trot! Another day in court is here; since six AM we've been downing beer! BEER BEER BEER BEER, THIS SONG DOESN'T HAVE AN END OR PUUUURPOOOOSE!_"

Sebastian greeted them cordially. "Good morning, gentlemen. Who would like to go first?"

"_WIIIILLLLL!_" Knox and Grell bellowed, shoving the stoic man forward.

"_I've got the loathing, the loathing I've got. Receive a sentence: I'd rather not._"

"_But William, our sullen dude, you pulled Grell's hair, and that was rude! His hair is beautiful, as Starcatrose said—all long and flowy and obnoxious red. You towed him away like a child's red wagon, 'twas a mode of transportation that was neither efficient nor humane, and now in court the price you'll pay!_"

"No."

Knox and Grell chanted, "_We've got anticipation, anticipation we've got! Hurry up and put Will in his spot!_"

Sebastian dug around in the couch cushions and pulled out a familiar red slip and negligee ensemble. "Will, are you familiar with this disturbing outfit?"

_Baby Bath Lessons:_

"Alois, I swear to god, if you don't let go this instant—"

"But, baby, the water's real nice and hot!" Alois was half-in half-out of a small sea of bubbles with his and Ciel's 'son' in a duck-shaped floatie. He had Ciel by the upper arms and was getting ready to yank.

Ciel wasn't going down without a fight! He huffed and puffed and—"ALOIS!"

_SPLASH!_ Gurgle gurgle. Ciel came up out of the bubbles and spat soapy water in Alois' face. His expression was murderous.

"Wet t-shirt contest!" KaZe said.

_:_

Will had been surprise stripped and launched into Grell's R-Rated lingerie outfit Spongebob style (as in how he sometimes gets dressed via slingshot; I can't remember what episode he does that in, but it's ingenious I think). Shockingly enough, baring his legs and such did not make him feel any sexier or at all inclined to give Grell the required lap dance.

"_I've got a stiffy, a stiffy I've got! Come over, Will, and sit down on my crotch!_"

"Don't speak to your superior in such a lewd fashion or I'll downgrade your scissors to a nail file."

"But _Wiiiiillll!_"

"A thumbtack!"

Sebastian was rifling through the couch cushions for any sort of mechanism or magic item that might make the shinigami bend to his will. He would know better than to eat an un-Jesufy quiche, the gender-bending button would take all the fun out of the lingerie, and... what was this? One of the cats had left a dead bird in the couch. Gross. Sebastian settled on a reliable old Super Soaker.

"_You're guilty, William. Now repent! You've already made Grell pitch a tent!_" He doused Will's head with what might actually be water for once.

"Luv ya bein' the boss, Sebas, sweetheart~! Rowr~" Grell made cat paws at Sebastian.

"If I do this," Will said, wiping water out of his eyes, "may I leave immediately after so I can get back to work?"

"Sure thing."

So Will let out a real big huffy sigh and sat down on Grell's lap. Grell clapped excitedly. "I have a confession. I don't know how to lap dance," Will admitted.

Everyone went, "Awwww!"

"That's okay! I'll teach you!" Sebastian offered.

"Really?"

"Yeah! What are friends for?" He disappeared for a few seconds and returned with a sopping wet Ciel in his arms.

"What the hell!" the shota screamed.

"We're teaching Will how to dance so he'll have lots of confidence! _See, here's the thing:_"

"Oh god, please don't start singing again." Ciel was placed in the musical-set version of The Armchair.

Sebastian kind of hover-sat over Ciel's crotch. "_We HAVE to take our CLOTHES OFF (so sexy!), we HAVE to party, ALL NIGHT! We HAVE to take our CLOTHES OFF to have a good time! Oh no no no!_" He ground up against the boy, making him yell and gag simultaneously. (_Clothes Off_ © Gym Class Heroes)

"This is _nowhere_ on the to-do list!" Ciel protested. "Stop acting like such a fanservice-whore this instant!"

"_I'm trying to see how your lips feel. Oh I'm sorry, my name is Sebby and I'm pretty much a big deal. Oh, you never heard of me? Hmm, that sounds absurd to me. The way you stole my attention was flat out burglary!_"

"Sebastian, cut it out!"

"_What do you say let's exit stage left so me and you can possibly reconvene and play some naked peek-a-boo?_ Oh, is that an order?"

"YES IT IS!"

Sebastian looked like a scolded child as he slumped off of his master's lap and slouched his way back to the judge's desk. "Fine. So that's how it's done, Will."

Will nodded and quickly dry-humped Grell, rubbed his hands over his own body like a sexy porn star, and flipped his hair around. Then he got up, got redressed, and hightailed it out of there.

The triplets popped up 'COS IT'S TIME TO GET FUNKY.

_Phantomhivers, by the way, _

_You have a charge from Miss Lindsay. _

_She too has caught your TCH addiction; _

_She even landed in detention. _

_So now for every situation_

_Where you'd use this TCH expression,_

_You must show a little discretion! _

_She's provided you with a selection,_

_Of new phrases you can use to shun,_

_Or show your irritation,_

_Or disapproving emotions._

_Listen now, these are your options:_

_Sweet niblets, or Barnacles!_

_Have fun :D_

Ciel blinked, then narrowed his eye and cursed, "Barnacles." Then he went off to find dry clothing.

"The fun is not yet over for Grell!" Sebastian carried on. Grell looked all hopeful until he clarified. "_Knox Knox, who's there? A sentence for you! A sentence from who? Madam Arachne!_"

"_I've got the fear, the fear I've got. I wish this place I hadn't sought._"

"That is correct. You are accused with one count of trying to mow my face off in chapter 53, several counts of 'being way too cute to officially get angry at' and actually having a rather creative weapon in that lawnmower of yours. It has been pointed out that if _I were to be killed_ off once and for all, there would be no brave soul in the manga to annoy the various substances out of Ciel because Alois is not there! You must not mess with the Status Quo, my dear ho, _Ronaldo_. Guilty or no?"

Drunken Knox hung his head in shame. "Will would have wanted me to do it."

Sebby shook his head. "You have no one to blame but yourself. Now put this on. You are to wear it all week." He chucked a few black leather pieces at Knox and waited for him to get dressed. He ended up in a tight leather corset and a pair of tighter leather booty shorts with shinigami faces painted on his butt cheeks. He turned around to find Grell holding a cat o' nine tails (a multi-tailed whip), and with an unnerving grin on his face. Knox went, "Eep!" and reflexively—for some reason—threw his hands over his non-existent boobs.

Brittany walked in in the knick of time. "Turns out Chapters I mean the theatre is closed today WHAT THE TINKER'S CUSS IS GOING ON HERE?"

Knox cheered, "My favourite cock-blocker!" Grell and Sebastian shot her angry looks.

Brittany pointed at Grell's whip. "You could seriously injure somebody with that! You _can't _use that. I'm sorry, but I have to draw the line somewhere! Besides, serious bodily harm constitutes an M rating, which I am not prepared to commit to." She held out her hand for the whip, which Grell quickly flicked out of her reach. It ended up hitting Knox, who screamed.

"Calm down!" Grell snapped. "There was hardly any force behind that!"

Brittany tapped her foot.

"He tried to turn Sebas-chan's beautiful head into _lawn clippings_," Grell protested. "Can I please hit him with something?"

"Fine." She left the building to find something.

Sebastian glanced at the case list. "Claude is to be whipped as well... I wonder what we will do with him."

Claude rose from his temporary lair underneath the stage floorboards. "Noooo."

Brittany returned with a full arsenal of toy weapons in a wagon. She had foam swords, Nerf guns, light sabers, water balloons, a ping pong paddle, and a soccer ball—mortal enemy of un-athletic kids with glasses everywhere. "Choose your weapon," she instructed.

Grell picked up the wagon and hit Knox over the head with it.

"Ouch!"

Ciel returned with a different outfit on. Alois, Nanny KaZe, and the baby came shortly after. Ciel took one look at the progress Sebastian had made and fired him as the judge. "Does that mean I have my job back?" Brittany asked.

"No. I'm hiring the triplets."

"Aww, fuck."

"Thompson—"

"Timber—"

"and Canterbury reporting for duty!" The three purple-haired lovelies saluted and took their rightful place at the judge's couch/desk.

"Next on the docket—" said Thompson.

"is Claude Faustus—" said Timber.

"for being a faggy foot-licking fraud!" Canterbury finished.

Claude surfaced from the floorboards again. His face betrayed nothing.

"Faggy would be alright if you weren't so pedo-rific about it—" Thompson started again.

"Foot-licking is never a good thing because it's so super creepy—" Timber continued.

"And your fraudulence refers to your stupid tap-dancing. You're not even that impressive at it. You can throw down moves and pretend you're hot shit all you want, but then you have to _actually be hot shit_. Don't be such a poser," Canterbury concluded.

"So that one's from KaZe."

"They are the dreaded Three F's."

"Tell us how you plead."

Claude thought long and hard. "I am not cigarettey."

"Don't be a smartarse."

He thought some more. "What will happen if I am guilty?"

The triplets glanced over at Grell, who was still hitting Knox with the wagon. "Nothing major," they lied.

"A young Claude to a fag, an ice cream-eater to a foot-licker, and the only boy in his ballet class to a mediocre tap-dancer. That is apparently the way of the Trancy butler." Claude sounded like he would have been making a sad face if he were capable of such emotion.

Alois sniffed. "I almost feel bad for him."

Ciel shot Alois a look. "He was disloyal to you, he neglected to help you when I shoved a sword through your abdomen, he _crushed your skull_, he tortured me by repetitively dunking me in ice water, brainwashed me, perved on me, perved on my butler, and he's plain creepy."

Alois made up his mind and started singing again. "_One night and one more time, thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great! He—_" points to Ciel, "_tastes like you, only sweeter!_" (Thnks fr th Mmrs © Fall Out Boy)

That was evidently not what Ciel had been going for. "Sweet niblets."

"Your punishment—"

"or so it says—"

"is to be flogged with chains, whips, the whole nine yards."

"No whips," Brittany said. "Or I swear to Cow I will turn up some Nicki Minaj full blast! Then your ears will bleed, and that will be both uncomfortable and inconvenient."

"No!"

"We promise not to whip him!"

"Her ass is otherworldly!"

Claude was bouncing up in down in his hole like a Whack-a-Mole.

"THAT'S IT!" the triplets shouted in unison. "Hey, I thought of it first! No you didn't, I did!"

"Ciel, help me with a magic trick." Brittany stuck her Nintendo DS under the boy's hand and instructed him to pull out the first thing he grabbed. Though skeptical, he slipped his fingers through the screen and pulled out Kirby's flaming mallet.

"How is this better than a whip?" he asked as the triplets accepted the oversized mallet from him.

"There's a difference between cartoon violence and a legitimate method of punishment from back in the day."

The triplets took turns trying to smack Claude down as he popped up from under different floorboards. Every time they hit him bells chimed and lights flashed.

_Whack off that jack-off! (the KING of the jerk-offs!)_

_He is a _dummkopf_! (that's German for idiot)_

_Now we can slack off! (He was a bad boss!)_

_He actually ain't that tough! (tough as a Jigglypuff!)_

_Loffity ploffity woffity woff! (filler)_

_Roffity scroffity goffity goff! (more filler)_

As he became more and more concussed he disappeared more slowly and eventually flopped over on the stage floor. Timber gave him one last wallop and he vanished, leaving behind a rain of coins. "Cool. Free money!" The triplets collected all the coins and left the building to go shopping. Knox took the opportunity to slip out. Grell, evidently bored, went off to find some good eats within the building.

"Hey, wait!" Ciel yelled. "Aw, _tartar sauce!_ Fine. I'll just hire someone else." Brittany pointed to herself but was ignored. Ciel scrolled through the contacts on his cell phone. "Hmm... I guess I have no choice..."

Five minutes later Soma and Agni were sitting at the judge's desk. "I'm so touched, Ciel, that you would consider me for such an honourable position!" Soma was saying, almost in tears. Agni looked very proud. "I promise to do my very best! I will lead in a most just and manly way, mark my words!"

"Good. Remember, time is key. So don't waste—"

"I mean, I will be humane but I will still get the message across. Humane but _firm_, yes, that's it. Real men needn't always resort to violence! Real men walk away from explosions!"

Ciel very nearly tch'd. Brittany applauded.

"The case list, my Prince," said Agni, and presented Soma with the review papers.

"Oh wow, my very first case!" Soma accepted the papers with a huge grin. "This is from some lady named Xanaischemical! She said—oh, I don't know if I can do this..."

"What is the problem, my Prince?"

"It's a punishment for Ciel and that other kid. I don't want to hurt Ciel; he's my best friend!"

Ciel smacked himself in the forehead. "It's okay, Soma," he muttered. "It's my duty. So do yours."

Soma took a few deep breaths and quickly fanned himself with both hands. "Okay, I can do this. Ciel and Alois, you are being charged for your so-called 'adorable shota rampage' in season two. Heh, it _was _pretty cute wasn't it?"

"It was indeed, Prince."

"Soma!"

"Sorry! Anyway, this rampage was so irresistible that the reviewer ended up losing sleep in an effort to make up for missing episodes. She called it an 'act of adorablesy', and for that you must do the following! Ciel has to dress up like Black Rock Shooter—oh, Agni, won't that be cute?"

"So cute, Prince."

"SOMA!"

"Sorry, best friend! Alois has to dress up like Dead Master—which one is that, Agni?"

"That would be the evil one, Prince."

"Oh that's right. Of course Ciel would be the good one, right, Ciel?"

It would appear Ciel was already getting into character, as he had nothing to say to that.

"You guys get to sing Vocaloid karaoke. Cool, huh? Plus, for making sure this charge gets done in her court the little lady over there gets to throw this vinegar-saturated banana-nut muffin pie at someone named Hannah. Oh! That's not nice. We're supposed to treat our servants with dignity and respect!"

"Nah, it's cool," Alois said. He'd already put on his simple black loli dress, tights, pumps, and various demonic accessories. "I like this scythe," he commented, flinging the massive blade about. "Ciel, do these horns make me look badass or what?"

Sebastian had helped Ciel into his third outfit of the day while Soma rambled on. Ciel was holding the jacket tightly shut over his scantily clad body. "Why does this Black Rock character wear so little in combat? It's highly impractical."

Alois made fwoosh noises.

"Let's get this over with. What exactly does Vocaloid karaoke consist of?"

No one knew.

Brittany said, "Everyone explained Vocaloids themselves so nicely for us, but I still don't really get it. They sound Ke$ha-esque."

Well then.

"We could sing Ke$ha," Alois suggested. Everyone said No. "Please? _There's a place I know, if you're looking for a show! Where they go hard-core, and there's glitter on the floor! And they, TURN ME ON, when they, TAKE IT OFF, when they, TAKE IT OFF, EVERYBODY TAKE IT OFF!_"

They could hear tap-dancing under the floor. "Fabulous. Your awful Ke$ha cover revived Claude," Ciel muttered.

"Just keep your outfits on. I'm sure Xanais will understand," Brittany suggested.

"You're not the boss of me anymore!" Alois yelled in her face.

"My suggestion," said Soma, "is that you should simply keep your outfits on. That will probably suffice."

"Good idea!" said Alois.

Ciel looked rather displeased. Sebastian handed him a massive gun. "Your costume comes with this canon, Young Master."

Ciel blinked. "Fine. I guess I'll stay dressed in this crap."

Sebastian sang off a little rhyme, "_Ciel, Ciel, our sullen lad, all he needed to kill his sad, was a BIG-ASS GUN, the size of England!_"

"Hey, I like these ones," Soma said as he skimmed the papers. "Let's have snack time! LuNa6780 dropped off some strawberry cheesecake for my best friend Ciel, and Lindsay would like Alois to drink some grape juice!"

So one-eyed gender-bended Black Rock Shooter and blonde male Dead Master sat down at a tea table for their afternoon snack. Sebastian tasted Ciel's cake for poison, of which there apparently was none. Alois drank his grape juice from a tea cup.

"Hey, guess who I'm being?" Alois said. He sipped his juice very daintily—pinky out—then removed the cup to say, "Bark bark bark, bitch bitch complain woof." Ciel flicked a strawberry at his face.

When that was done with and half of Ciel's cake was smeared on Alois' face, Soma had decided to take a nap. Agni and Sebastian were watching him sleep. "He's such a precious little angel when he's sleeping," Agni murmured. "Isn't he, friend?"

"He is, friend."

Baby Botata started crying randomly. "Oh my god, shut up," Brittany said. Nanny KaZe took it to another room. The triplets returned decked out in new hoodies, shades and bling. They'd even brought a little bedazzled crown pendant for Alois. He thought it was pretty cool.

"SPARKLES!"

"Another new judge, then," Ciel decided. He scrolled through his cell again. "I didn't want to have to do this, but I'm running out of options."


	25. Ch 15 THE KKC MUSICAL part 2

****

**Part SECOND!**

* * *

Five minutes later Finny, Bard, and Mey-Rin were seated comfortably on the couch/desk. They elected Finny to be in charge of being in charge. "I think we should do this one," Finny declared, pointing at something on the list. "I have a really good idea, and this way Bard gets to put his cooking skills to good use!"

"Solid," Mey-Rin agreed. Bard fist-bumped them both.

"Canterbury! Which same-face man is that?" Finny asked. Lefty-fringe swaggered up to the stand.

"'Sup, little man?"

"Wow, you're so cool! You accidentally reminded Luna of a berry too much, whoops! I understand though; it's 'cause you've got _berry_ in your actual name! And then she said your purple hair is very bo—bo... Mey, how do you say this word?"

"Boysenberries."

"Oh thanks! Canterbury has boysenberries-ish hair and raspberries-ish eyes. So I thought of a punishment that doesn't have to do with a tutu which is just what the review said. We're going to pretend bake you into a pie! Won't that be fun? A Canterberry pie!"

Bard hoisted a flamethrower over his shoulder. "You bet your ass it'll be fun."

"_Pretend_ bake," Finny repeated. "You have to use a pretend flamethrower."

So they set about whipping up a massive amount of pastry dough, rolling it out and layering a large aluminum pie tin with it. "Okay, Canterberry, get in your pie!" Finny instructed.

Thompson and Timber were playing homemaker, molding little circles of the leftover dough into tiny tins to make tarts. Canterbury laid down in the middle of his pie tin.

Finny and Mey-Rin sang a jaunty tune as they tucked Canterbury in. "_Patty-pie, patty-pie, Phantomhive's men! Bake me a pie as fast as you can! Roll it, and pat it, and mark it with a C! And put it in the pretend oven for Cielly and we!_" Then they all danced around gaily while Bard made flamethrower noises and Ciel polished his new gun. "La la la la la la!" said Finny, arguably the best judge ever.

"Please let me do the next case," Brittany pleaded. "The Finnster can't produce enough rage, I don't think."

"Who's it for?"

"Cult guy."

"Cult guy."

"The guy who tried to sacrifice you when you were a cute wittle baby ten year-old. Starcatrose is charging him. She's very protective of you, her 'CUTE LITTLE UKE SHOTA BOY'. You see?"

Ciel frowned. "That man is dead. Sebastian killed him. And where do you people get off trying to punish _my_ enemies? That's _my_ job."

"We're just assuring that he never rests in peace, that's all! You, Seb, and Alois are in charge of his agonizingly horrible punishment anyway!"

Finny yelled, "Pie's done! Let's eat!" He and Bard and Mey sat around and went, "Omnomnomnomnom." Bard discreetly lit the edge of the crust on fire.

"Sweet niblets..." Ciel heaved a very big sigh. "So be it. But if I have to face him I'd rather not be wearing this outfit." So he went off for a moment to presto-changeo back to his little suit fandango.

"Who wants to see another magic trick?" Brittany yelled. She grabbed the flaming pie crust by the unflaming end, heaved it off, and revealed a fat old masked pervert cult guy. Canterbury popped up behind his brothers. "_**WELCOME TO HELL!**_" Brittany greeted the man.

The triplets were nice enough to serenade him:

_Hell, hell hell hell,_

_What the hell? What's that smell?_

_Hell is not a pleasant place!_

_Shrieking banshees eat your face!_

_Hell is not a scenic spot!_

_It looks like shit and smells like rot!_

_Hell is not the place to go!_

_Some demon'll make you his ho!_

_Hell is not the place to be!_

_You'll burn for all eternity!_

_Hell is not that nice at all!_

_The sights and sounds make your skin crawl!_

_Hell is Hell and that is that!_

_WELCOME TO HELL, YOU FUCKING RAT!_

Cult guy glanced around. He saw the Phantomhive servants standing curiously off to the side, three teenage gangsters, a blonde boy in a dress, a sleeping Indian prince—relocated to a pile of coats—, his servant, a butler, a death god drinking coffee, a girl and a baby, another girl with a potato gun, and then, like an avenging angel come to ensure he would never have peace of mind in his eternal existence as the haunted shade of a horrible man, Ciel Phantomhive came lithely down from the catwalk using the same pulley and sandbag system Brittany had failed at. Cult guy had last seen him in rags and living like an animal—he now wore well-tailored clothing, his hair and skin was clean, and his expression was unreadable. He had never seen anything more terrifying.

"Fucking rat indeed," Ciel commented. He landed on the judge's desk so that he could tower over his ex-captor. "And I don't throw curses like that around lightly. Unlike you, I am not nor was I _ever_ common _trash_."

Brittany shot a potato at Cult guy. It was a little bit frozen solid so it left a nice lump on his shoulder. "Boys, put those cute heads together. Incorporation of the Film-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Named is encouraged."

Alois approached Cult guy with tantalizing slowness. Cult guy took one look at his horns and wings and that freaky smile and wet himself. "A-are you a demon?"

Alois cackled. "You wish!" To the others he said, "Strip him down. Brand him like he did to my sweet Ciel, then sew his mouth to Earl _Retard's _arsehole. He's around, right?"

Brittany shrugged. "He was baked into meat pies, but we can bring him back."

"Just to clarify," Sebastian interjected, "your qualms lie with whipping innocent workaholics but you have no problem permanently mutilating child molesters?"

"Bingo!"

"Got it."

Alois lashed out at Cult guy with one of his shoes, tearing through the front of his clothing with his heel. He then kicked the man over and stood on his chest. "I detest filth like you."

Ciel figured he'd probably have to get his hands dirty eventually and hopped down onto the stage. He had Sebastian hoist Cult guy out of the pie tin and pin him face down on the floorboards. Cult guy could hear Claude singing Ke$ha songs in his lair. "What's that horrible noise? Make it stop! Please! I'm begging you!"

Brittany cracked him across the head with her gun.

Sebastian handed Ciel a branding iron, who handed it back. "You know what, I have a better idea. I'm going to take care of this Salander-style."

"Who's she?" Alois asked.

"She's the girl with the dragon tattoo."

Cult guy was rolled onto his front again. Sebastian sat on his face, Alois sat on his legs, and Ciel leaned over his gut from the side. The guy's shirt was torn away, baring a hideous pasty stomach. Ciel flicked on his needle and began to tattoo words across the man's lower stomach. _I AM A SADISTIC PIG, A TORTURER, AND I KILL CHILDREN_. The whole time Cult guy was howling in agony, but his screams were only muffled by Sebastian's godly glutes.

"Now can we sew him to my guy?" Alois asked excitedly while bouncing up and down.

"That's pretty nasty work," Ciel muttered. "I don't want to do it." The boys both looked at Sebastian.

"Is this an order?"

"Yes."

"Yeah."

**THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART.**

Sebastian sighed and stood up. He dragged Cult guy offstage where he would presumably cut open his face and sew him to the twice-undead Late Earl Trancy's rear-end. My apologies for the mental images. The triplets laughed their demonic laughs.

'**KAY IT'S OVER NOW**_**.**_

"Whoa, heavy stuff. Let's do something fun!" Brittany declared.

"Let's do this one!" said Finny. "May Drocell Keinz please and thank you come up to the stand?"

Drocell entered left, from the same direction in which Sebby had just gone. He would have passed him. "I don't think I liked what I just saw."

"Shsh, that's in the past now," Alois told him, head cocked ninety degrees. "Now it's _happy fun sparkle play time_."

Finny banged the squeaky gavel he'd found. "Hey, puppet man! There's this girl named Lindsay who got the song London Bridge stuck in her head so she had to downlaid it—"

"Download, Finny."

"I don't know what that means. Anyway it was your fault but if you apologize nicely and then sing the London Bridge by that Fergie lassie then everything will be all fine again! Can you do that?"

Before he'd even answered the triplets were supplying the '_oh snap!'_s. And after you hear a couple '_oh snap!'_s you kind of have to do it. So!

_It's me_

_Drocell_

_The pen_

_Polo!_

_Drocell Droce, what's up baby?_

_Come on_

_When I come to the clubs, step aside (Oh snap!)_

_Part the seas, don't be having me in the line (Oh snap!)_

_V.I.P 'cause you know I gotta shine (Oh snap!)_

_I'm Drocell Droce _

_And me love you long time (Oh snap!)_

_All my dolls get down on the floor (Oh snap!)_

_Back to back drop it down real low (Oh snap!)_

_I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho (Oh snap!) _(*crotch grab*)

_'cause you know I don't give a fuck so here we go! (Oh shit)_

_How come every time you come around_

_My London London Bridge want to go down_

_Like London London London wanna go down_

_Like London London London be going down like_

_How come every time you come around_

_My London London Bridge want to go down_

_Like London London London wanna go down_

_Like London London London be going down like_

_The drinks start pouring_

_And my speech start slurring_

_Everybody start looking real good (Oh snap!)_

"We're good!" Alois declared. "That is plenty enough." The judging panel applauded and Drocell was set free. Ciel wondered why Finny was his most efficient judge.

Said best judge was once again perusing the case list. "Oh no! Young Master, this one says your betrothed is in trouble! Uh oh, what did she do? I bet she pinked up somebody's house again..." He paused to read it through. "Oh! That's a bad word!"

"Let me see." Mey-Rin took the papers from him. "Hmmm... Oh, um, people really don't like your fiancée, Young Master."

"I know."

"Okay, well, if it's alright with you... Could Miss Elizabeth Midford please join us in court?"

Lizzie waltzed in with the dainty, graceful little steps of a young girl who fancies herself a princess. She shot Alois the mother of all death glares so quickly it was barely noticeable, then returned to smiling her sweet smile.

Finny and Bard were hiding behind the couch. Alois snarled at her. The triplets and Brittany munched on pecan butter tarts and watched the drama unfold from the audience seating.

"_Never fear, Lizzie's here, to keep her darling safe! From that_—"

"Yeah, we're actually bored with the musical part now," Alois cut her off. It would appear this was the consensus.

Mey-Rin cleared her throat. "Ahem, um, Miss Elizabeth, you are here on account of two charges. The first is from VampAnimeLover254 for being a—pardon my language, Miss—a _bitch_ to Earl Alois and just having an overall nasty attitude whenever you're in the court—again, my apologies, Miss, I only deliver the sentences—and the second is from Luna and consists of you being too—excuse me, Miss—_girly_, which I can only assumed is being used derogatively. As well, your hairstyle is quote unquote 'IMPOSSIBLE'—but I assure you I quite like it, Miss!—and is unachievable for mere mortals such as the reviewer's friend, a fact which saddened the involved parties. How do you plead?"

Lizzie took a deep breath. Inhale, exhale. "It is not my concern whether or not commoners cannot attain my unique hairstyle. They shouldn't be trying in the first place—it's my _trademark_. As for the bit with the foul language, I am merely acting in self-defense. I have assets to protect and that _thing _in the shorts is threatening my ability to do so."

Ciel puzzled over when he'd become an asset.

"Yeah, but you have to be _nice!_" Finny gave his opinion in the matter. "I'm sure if you used your please and thank yous and asked Mr. Trancy really nicely to stop bothering Young Master, he would!"

Lizzie was about to say more, but Bard made the executive decision to move things along. "Guilty or not, Luna's comin' in for the remainder of the afternoon. She's gonna coach you so that you adhere to the probationary guidelines set up in regards to your behaviour." As he spoke, Luna entered stage right and was handed a marshmellow gun for her own protection.

"What probationary guidelines?"

"I told you," Finny said. "Be nice. Put on a nice smile for us and say nice things about Mr. Trancy. Show some enthusiasm."

Lizzie narrowed her eyes into scary green slits. "I. don't. want. to. be. nice. to. that. kid."

That kid was ballet dancing in circles around Ciel. "An asset?" the latter mumbled.

"CUT THAT OUT!" Lizzie shouted.

"Does this bother you?" Alois asked in faux concern. He sang a little diddy for Ciel. "_Baby let you HANDLE me, in my SKIN-TIGHT leggings, be your teenage dream TONIGHT! 'Cause you're AMAZING, JUST the way you ARE, WITHOUT ALL THOSE GAUDY FRILLY CLOTHES THAT YOUR FIANCÉE INSISTS ON PUTTING YOU IN! La la la la la... OLÉ, BITCH."_

Lizzie was quite literally seething. She had that imagining-I'm-choking-him-with-his-own-lower-intestine look on her face.

Luna popped up beside her. "Ah ah ah, remember your court orders. Give us a smile!"

Lizzie smiled like a shark and said through her teeth, "Alois you have a lovely singing voice."

"And?"

"And you OLÉ like a boss."

"Good," said Luna. "Now keep it up or I'll shoot. You'll be cutting these sticky little buggers out of your hair tornadoes for weeks!"

Brittany came up with a megaphone. "IT'S TIME TO PLAY THREE BALLS IN A BUCKET!"

Alois yelled, "THAT SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY PORNOGRAPHIC!"

"WHY'S THAT?"

"I DUNNO. JUST REMINDS ME OF THOSE GIRLS AND THEIR CUP. WE DON'T HAVE TO EAT SHIT DO WE?"

"SOMEONE WILL."

"DIBS OUT!"

"There's no dibbing. I'll explain. See, Lindsay requested that we give this a go. There are three balls in a bucket, we all pick one, and based on the colour either everyone concocts us a meal from hell, a beverage from hell, or a makeover from hell. The colours for each are chartreuse, red, and mauve respectively. Now pick!" Brittany held out a bucket to the shotas.

Alois picked chartreuse. Meal. "Aw fuck."

Ciel picked mauve. Makeover. "Barking spiders."

Brittany picked red. Drink. "Good thing we've got this bucket."

Five minutes later the three were sitting at the snack time table in the middle of the stage. In front of Alois sat a plate of a bit of vinegared banana-nut muffin pie—B: Hannah, could you come here for a moment? H: *falls from catwalk* Yes? B: *smothers Hannah with pie* H: The vinegar stings my eyes, Miss.—half-frozen potatoes, coffee beans, marshmellows and raw pie dough (all collected from around the set) and sauerkraut, fish eyes, and a container of someone's leftover tapioca pearls from a random fridge, all mutilated and creamed together with a potato masher. "Why were these things in the fridge!" Alois kept asking. "And why didn't they eat the tapioca pearls _with_ their bubble tea? This does not make sense!"

Because Lizzie had a gun trained on her, she smiled stiffly and said, "If anyone can make sense of it, it's you, you smart guy you. Go Alois go."

Brittany had the other half of Alois' meal, except blended with what she suspected was toilet water. "Now that's just cruel." Alois laughed.

Ciel leaned back in his chair, watching. "Well? Go on. Om nom."

The triplets picked up their instruments to provide the players with musical accompaniment.

_If you've ever thrown up twenty times,_

_Or tasted your own shit,_

_You will probably understand the horror,_

_Of a meal like this! _

_The soup of the day is also your entrée,_

_The beverage is your soup._

_It looks like sewage mixed with compost, _

_Mixed with toe jam mixed with poop._

_Few things in life are better mashed,_

_This crap is no exception!_

_I hope you have your Pepto handy._

_This'll be bad for digestion!_

_If you need to puke out all your guts,_

_To vomit out your pride,_

_That is what the bucket's for._

_It's right there at your side!_

_So from Thompson, Timber, and Canterbury,_

_We wish you all the best._

_And if you do not finish, kindly_

_Incinerate the rest._

Brittany took a deep breath. Alois put on his game face and picked up a fork. "Eat my dust, _Spazzmuffin_."

"Eat your damn food, Trancy."

She picked up her glass, he his first bite, and on the count of three they learned what death tastes like.

It took a minute of gagging and pretending they weren't gagging before they swallowed. "You ready to give up?" Brittany asked, her eyes watering.

"Like hell I am. I can do this all day." He forked in another bite of pure ew.

Brittany took another swig. "Prepare to _lose_, pretty boy. I'm Chinese. You don't know _what_ I've eaten before."

"Yeah well I was so poor I couldn't afford the -or. I was just po! _You_ don't know what _I've_ eaten!"

"This isn't even a competition," Ciel pointed out.

"Shut up!"

After two more forkfuls Alois tossed his cookies, the sight of which made Brittany retch. Ciel managed to keep his cake down for once, so that was a plus. "Oh, Alois," Lizzie said. "You vomit like a supermodel. I wish I could be you. You're so great."

Alois wiped his mouth on his sleeve and caught Ciel almost smiling. "Do you find this amusing?" Ciel said nothing, which Alois took as a yes. Annoyed, he grabbed the other boy by the hair and kissed him with plenty of tongue. Ciel threw up after that.

Brittany pulled a little plastic green thing out of her pocket. "Anyone want Listerine strips?"

"Oh yes."

"Yes please."

"Hannah! Clean this up!"

"Yes, Your Highness..."

"Elizardbitch!" Alois said. "Come here!"

Lizzie slouched over. "What." Alois grabbed her arm. "Ew! What the heck?"

"I need you to get me a lemonade. Mike's Hard. They're in the fridge."

"You have _vomit_ all over your hand!"

"What? Oh, I thought you'd be used to that. I'm pretty sure Ciel's bulimic. I don't mind though; his body's still A-MAZ-ING."

Claude's muffled voice came from his lair. "He is not because his teeth are not eroded."

"Oh. Nevermind then." Once Alois had his lemonade, he and Brittany smiled deviously at Ciel. "Your turn."

Ten minutes later Ciel had some beautiful drawn-on cat whiskers, which were nicely paired with a half-handlebar half-Hitler mustache. Alois had had a pair of sparkly blue fake eyelashes in his pocket, which he'd glued to Ciel. While he was at it he glued a few sequins, some tinsel, and a coupon for Kotex products he found on the floor to Ciel's forehead. They'd drawn pink and orange rays around his eye patch and teardrops under his other eye. They'd borrowed some of Hannah's purple lipstick for his mouth. He looked pretty stupid.

"He may look clinically insane, but I still wouldn't mess with him," Brittany commented. Alois snapped a picture for keepsake. "Viral, here we go."

"I can't _believe _you!" Lizzie screeched. "How could you make such a handsome boy look like he rolled out of a tranny-ridden crackhouse squatter-filled brothel? WHERE ARE YOUR SOULS? VICIOUS WEIRD BASTARDS, I'll HAVE YOUR HEADS!"

"Lizzie!" Luna scolded.

"ROOOOAAAAR!"

She was pelted with marshmellows. "Kyaaaa! Ah, are they stuck to my dress? Oh no oh no..." Lizzie hurriedly removed the ammo from her hair. "I meant, Alois, your eyelashes are really pretty. Like the actual ones that are somehow black. Not the fake ones."

"More," Luna urged.

"They're like nice kitty whiskers! I want to pet them." Under her breath she muttered something akin to, "and then yank them out one by one."

"Duly noted," Alois replied.

Luna handed her gun off to Brittany so that she could attend to her second duty of the day. "Mr. Alois sir and Young Master," Finny read, "Luna who is this lass here said you were too rapeable—uh oh! And then you wonder why perverts keep kidnapping you—double uh oh! Wait, when is Young Master getting kidnapped? What? What is this!"

"I knew this was too good to be true," Ciel mumbled.

"Young Master, Young Master! Are you in danger? Why didn't you tell us! Oh dear, oh me, we failed you! We _faaaaiiilllled!_" Finny burst into tears and the other two servants set about comforting him.

"Anyway," Brittany continued, reclaiming her job, "you can't wear shorts like that, _ALOIS_, and then be all damsel-in-distress-y. You are bound to cause some inner stirrings if you walk around London like that. Therefore, Luna is going to teach you both the ancient oriental self-defense art of ORIGAMI! Y'all ready for this? It's super effective!"

"It's true!" Luna said. "Throw a bunch of pointy paper cranes at anyone—it'll stun them long enough for you to high-tail it. I've done it before." She nodded wisely. "Oh yes. Sometimes they'll even get papercut."

Ciel blinked. "That's all? We're just learning to fold paper?"

Alois sighed in relief. "Here I thought we were going to get _raped_ or something so we'd learn our lesson! Phew! This is way better!"

So while Sebastian, Agni, and Soma napped in a big ol' pile of men, Claude had a little crawlspace dance party, Hannah mopped up vomit, Grell crept into the big ol' pile of men, the triplets drew on the sleepers' faces, the servantrio played Go Fish, and the various house pets roamed aimlessly, Ciel, Alois, Luna and Brittany sat down to learn self defense. They folded and folded and folded until Ciel's cranes stopped not having heads, Alois' stopped looking so inappropriate, and Brittany's stopped looking like goats. Then they all threw them at Hannah and laughed except for Ciel who isn't much of a laugher and his cranes didn't fly all that well anyway.

"Last one!" Brittany exclaimed. "The showstopper is from cjestarstyle-the newest member of KUAoPLaL-and is for Sebastian, Will, Grell, and Ciel! Men, take your places!"

Will came reluctantly back into the building, dressed back in his suit. Sebastian and Ciel—one half-asleep, one still made-up like a madman—and Grell, who had morning wood, joined Will so that the four of them stood in a line.

"For being way too sexy in the musical, the four of you are to perform the 'Shinigami Haken Kyoukai No theme'. So put on your specs! Ciel, I have a monocle you can borrow."

The lights dimmed, spotlights flicked on, and music began to play. They took turns with the lines like good little boys.

_We are the Shinigami Dispatch Society._

_We obey the rules!_

_Who is breaking them?_

_Who~?_

_We are exemplary shinigami._

_Always punctual!_

_Who is late? Who~?_

_Rule No. 1!_

_Shinigami must wear glasses._

_No. 2!_

_They must take care of their death scythe!_

_No. 3! _

_Sundry expenses must be settled at the end of the month!_

_No. 4! If you meet someone handsome..._

(Grell made his cheekiest face) _Then you can consider yourself remunerated?_

_We keep watch on the scheduled deaths and collect the souls!_

_We must never relax our guard, or the hungry demons will snatch them away! _(Sebastian coughed)

_We are the Shinigami Dispatch Society._

_We dance wildly _

_but_

_we are short of breath._

_We live a really long life!_

_Some of us might be scary old! Who~?_

_No. 5! We work coldly without even a smile._

_No. 6! And when the fixed time comes we stop working and go party!_

_We are the Shinigami Dispatch Society!_

_I think everyone gets it by now!_

_How long does this song go on for?_

_This chapter's long enough as it is!_

_I wonder if anyone was reading this,_

_Or if they just scrolled down!_

_Is this enough?_

_Are we done yet?_

_Let's go party!_

Alois hopped into the group of dancers. The triplets, Phantomhive servants, stereotypical Indians, and Brittany followed suit.

_Happy Valentine's Day from us to you!_

_I like this song because it doesn't have to rhyme!_

_Because the rest is translated!_

_Thanks for all the reviews!_

_It means the world to us!_

_Spread the love!_

_And the marmalade!_

_Have a great week!_

_See ya'll next time!_

_THE END!_

_

* * *

_

**Bad news, guys. I'm thinking about wrapping this whole shebang up within the next month. It's monstrously long and is by far the longest thing I've ever written, so I figure it's time to move onto something else. There'll probably be time for one or two more court days, so review with your most hysterical awesome-sauce pants showstoppers so we can go out with a bang! Then we'll have ONE LAST PARTY for AWKWARD MOMENTS DAY (March 18), MY SECOND FAVOURITE HOLIDAY, and that will be that! Thoughts?**


	26. Ch 15 and un half The Valentines Oneshot

**I think the context for this fic is that the anime was like a reality show but edited to look like more like a soap opera. The events actually affected or were true chronicles of the characters, but then they went back to their normal lives when production was done. When they are needed for fics, writers send a time/universe-travelling carriage to bring them where they need to be brung. Whenever I write new chapters I bring Ciel to a modern-day Canadian city where he can scope out new toys to rip off, and that is why he puts up with me. (Why I thought that all out _just now,_ when I'm getting ready to finish up, is beyond me).**

**Anywho! This ends up kind of kinky, by the way. I've been reading too much... books... **_**The Girl Who Played with Fire**_**, actually. Ciel would like it, I think; he and Lisbeth Salander have very similar morals. He carries around that tiny little pistol and she carries around a hammer and mace.**

* * *

Alois had never been so frustrated.

He had a _day_, _ONE day_, to make his plans for the fourteenth of February. And then he had one day to flabbergast, amaze, and woo Ciel and ultimately win his heart over. But that boy was so damn picky and proud. Alois loved that about him—he loved every little millimeter of his person, every syllable of his speech, and that cute pissy look he made that couldn't scare even a mouse—but it made pleasing him really damn hard.

So he sat in the Late Earl Trancy's study with a sheet of paper on the desk and a pen in his fist. He had three headings: things Ciel likes, things Ciel responds well to, things Ciel hates. The last column had the most listings.

The big problem was that Ciel was not a romantic. He was simply _not programmed_ for a holiday of this sort. In fact, he was most likely on the supplying end, his factories puffing away and churning out corny heart-shaped truffles and candies and pink and red plush animals, all with the Funtom Company seal stamped on them. His thought processes this month were probably straight numbers—not a brain cell leftover for love.

So if Alois planned to get any positive response, creativity was key—store-bought goodies or plain roses wouldn't cut it. Mind you, Ciel liked both chocolate and those fancy grey roses he had around his manor, or so Alois inferred based on the fact that any other flowers on the grounds came and went while the grey ones stayed and were immaculately tended to.

That really didn't help though, so Alois swiveled once in his oversized chair, yelled, "GODDAMNIT!" and launched his pen across the room. It hit Hannah, who had just been walking in. That made him feel a little better.

* * *

"What's the schedule for today?" Ciel Phantomhive inquired as he sipped his Ceylon tea. He had never been to Ceylon, but books he'd read suggested it was a lively country, full of dancing and affairs of the romantic variety. He had no desire to travel there.

Sebastian spread jam over a scone for his master. "The day is all yours. I am afraid both of the tutors scheduled for today took the day off for the holiday."

Ciel raised a brow as if to say, t_he holiday?_

"Valentine's Day." Sebastian smiled and handed Ciel his snack.

"Valentine's Day is not a holiday traditionally celebrated by _shirking one's duties_." He sighed in mild disgust. "Fine, if they must. I expected as much from the younger woman, but I thought Madame Eriksson knew better than that."

"It is unfortunate." Sebastian clasped his hands in front of him, gears humming under that artfully unkempt head of hair. "If I may be so bold, might I suggest you and I spend the day out and about? The Young Master has not left the manor for a week now, and the weather is unseasonably beautiful."

Ciel glanced up from the paper he was holding and looked his butler square in the face. "No. Now go away."

It _was_ rather pleasant for February, so Ciel took his breakfast out on the terrace. He brought a novel with him on the off chance he decided to spend the morning out there in the sun. This however, seemed unlikely. Surely he had paperwork to attend to.

Sebastian was cleaning up after the servants' daily failures when he heard a knock at the door. He opened it to find an unusual looking bouquet placed on the front step. Though the knock had come only seconds ago the deliverer was not within his sight or hearing range, which meant it could only have been that Faustus asshole.

Sebastian retrieved the bouquet, finding that neither the weight nor the distribution of it corresponded to any roses he knew. Upon closer inspection he realized that the petals were molded out of very fine chocolate and painted with edible silver lacquer. Only a demon's hands could have crafted something so delicate and with such impressive execution. Sebastian was vaguely jealous he had not thought of such a gift first. Especially since giving Ciel's tutors the day off hadn't done the trick.

There was a small tag attached to the stem of one rose—shaped of hardened sugar, complete with thorns. _Still waiting for you to accept my apology, you heartless dick. I love you. Yours always, Alois Trancy._ How eloquent. Sebastian pocketed the tag and brought the chocolate roses to the terrace.

Ciel glanced up only when the vase was placed on his table. "What's this?"

Sebastian flashed him his sincerest and most subtly implicative smile. "Consider it an extra treat in light of the occasion. From a humble servant to his noble Young Master."

Ciel looked skeptically at the demon and debated whether such a showy display merited disgust or was simply not worth his attention at all. He plucked one of the roses from the vase and snapped off a petal with ease. It had already grown warm in the sunshine and began melting as soon as he placed it on his tongue. The silver stuff was sweet and the chocolate was exquisite, and he wondered whose pocket it had come out of.

Sebastian bowed. "I'll leave you to your reading then."

Ciel slipped another petal between his lips.

.

Elizabeth had sent boxes of Belgium and French chocolates—she was currently traveling across Europe with her family—and a handmade card with sweet but clichéd nothings scripted into the heavy parchment.

Sebastian had whipped up these chocolate roses and not-so-stealthily given Ciel the day off—of course the boy had _noticed_; Madame Eriksson would never have taken the day off for such a pointless holiday.

Where was Alois in all of this? Ciel wondered. How unlike the blonde to pass up an opportunity like this. Was he sick? Dead? Suddenly considerate?

"Sebastian."

The butler appeared swiftly. "Yes, my Lord?"

"Have you heard from Trancy lately?"

Sebastian looked flabbergasted for all of an imperceptible millisecond. "Yes. I have heard he is doing well," he answered smoothly, thinking that Ciel might try to telephone the earl and the roses would come up.

"I am surprised he hasn't shown up yet," Ciel murmured, seemingly to himself. "He seems the type to have pounced before sunup."

"Perhaps it slipped his mind. Or he had not made plans."

Ciel snapped one of the candy stems in his teeth. "I think that he's finally learned his place. It's certainly taken long enough, but better late than never."

"Are you certain?"

Ciel shot him a look. "Second-guessing me? Unless you know better I'd rather you keep your opinions in the matter to yourself. I've spent more than enough time with Trancy lately to assume as such." Ciel leaned back in his chair. "I think he might be like a dog."

"In what way?"

"He requires training and conditioning. Which means I'll need to reward him in some way for his modesty today or he'll never understand that he's done well." Ciel fiddled with one of the stems, completely unaware that Alois had had a hand in their creation. "If properly conditioned he could prove to be rather... beneficial company."

Sebastian's brow furrowed almost unconsciously. "You are still speaking of Earl _Alois Trancy_?"

Ciel ignored him. "Fetch me my cane."

* * *

Alois could barely contain his excitement when he flung open the door and _Ciel Fucking Phantomhive_ was standing on his front step! Of his one free will! And not to oversee his butler's participation in any sort of death match! _Wow!_

"Wow," Alois said. Then he reminded himself to play it cool. He cleared his throat. "Good afternoon, Earl Phantomhive. What brings you to my manor this fine day?"

"Just a simple social call," Ciel answered. He fiddled with his cane and shot Alois a disarming smile. "May I come in?"

_Holy crap in a pimp hat. _"Ah, of course!" Alois stepped aside and gestured grandly into the foyer. "I'm delighted you came. Finally found some time away from your business affairs, have you?"

Ciel was not smiling anymore—it would seem his face had fallen out of practice and couldn't hold the shape for long—but he did not sound annoyed either, as he typically did around Alois. "I assure you, I have no interest here for anything but play. Don't you worry your fluffy little head." He reached up to muss Alois' hair, leaving the blonde even more shocked and bemused.

Alois let out a laugh. "Where would you like to go? The drawing room, or the garden, or...?"

"If I may interrupt, Your Highness," Claude interjected, "lunchtime is nearing. Perhaps you and Earl Phantomhive would like to wait in the dining room? It will not take a minute."

After a light lunch they had tea in the garden. The grounds of the Trancy estate were extravagant and stretched far enough that Ciel could not see an end. Tall hedges gave it a whimsical feel. The butlers stood off to the side to provide an illusion of privacy.

"So..." Alois said, "what did you think of my gift?"

Ciel raised an eyebrow. "What gift? You didn't send anything."

"Hm?" _What? What happened to it? If he didn't get it than why is he here?_

"I got a few chocolates from Lizzie and these flashy chocolate roses from Sebastian." Ciel made a disapproving noise. _Tch_. "I don't know where that man gets off giving me such lavish gifts. He's a _servant_. Anyway, that was all there was."

_What the fuck! That dick stole my gift! But he said they were flashy; flashy's a bad thing! He didn't like them? Crud, I thought I'd done well. So WHY IS HE HERE?_ "Oh, that's right too, now that I think about it." Alois laughed. "I suppose I must've dreamt I sent you something. Have you ever done that? Think a dream was real?"

"I can't say that I have."

"Oh. _I_ do it all the time!"

Ciel set down his cup with a tiny clatter. "If you don't mind, I think I'd like to go indoors now. It's getting rather warm out."

"Of course." Alois rose from his seat and followed Ciel inside. He watched in puzzlement as his guest sent the butlers away to their own devices. Everything felt very backwards today.

Ciel considered leading Alois straight to one of the bedrooms, but he had only a vague idea of where they were and a clearer, more disturbing idea of what went on in them while the house was under its previous ownership. Mind you, the guest room he'd stayed in couldn't have been tainted too much. He recalled waking up wrapped in Alois' arms with a faint notion of affection.

When they neared a large set of doors Alois stepped up to them and pushed one in. "The drawing room," he said, as if introducing Ciel to an acquaintance. "Or did you have something cozier in mind?"

"Yes... Do you recall which guest room I stayed in around Christmas?"

Alois smiled widely. "Certainly."

Ciel felt very unlike himself as he followed Alois into the vacant bedroom. Or at the very least, unlike his-_lately_-self. His _most recent_ self was slowly but surely warming up to Alois, which was probably a very dangerous and bad thing, and the old loving part of himself that he'd presumed dead seemed to be slightly less so in light of the boy's affections. In other words, Ciel felt something that wasn't hatred or mild irritation.

Though he was a touch angry now that he found himself nearing a situation he'd been in twice before, both of which involved him helpless, disoriented, and taken advantage of, and which he was now remembering it in some detail. Surely he could reward Trancy while also having his revenge on him.

Alois flopped onto the bed. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you here to have sex with me?"

He certainly didn't beat around the bush, did he? "That wasn't the intention," Ciel murmured, removing his jacket and kicking off his shoes. "We are, however, going to play a little game."

Alois smirked, the gears in his head already spinning. "I do like games." As he pondered what sort of thing Ciel had in mind, he followed his example and ditched his outer clothing. Ciel climbed onto the bed and made himself comfortable on Alois' lap. The blonde wondered where this sudden boldness had come from as Ciel unbuttoned both of their shirts. He slipped Alois' off his shoulders and said, "Lift your head a bit."

Curious, he did as he was told. "What for?"

"This." Ciel wrapped Alois' shirt around his eyes and tied it behind his head, effectively blindfolding him. Though he wasn't able to see, there was enough light that Alois kept from panicking. He detested the dark. "Now lie down again."

"What exactly are we doing?"

"Relax, I'm just playing with you. If one of your senses is blocked, the remaining one's intensify, such as your sense of _touch_." Ciel ran a finger lightly along one of Alois' ribs, making the boy shiver. "You see?"

"No, I don't." Alois smiled.

He then felt a hand on his cheek—warm and smooth, maybe the tiniest bit clammy, but that wasn't enough to bother him—and Ciel's thumb brushing along his lower lip light as a breeze. It pressed down and Alois parted his lips in response. Now open-mouthed and blind, he was starting to feel a little vulnerable. It scared him.

He felt Ciel's chest press against his, soft skin stretched taught against white bones—he was a skinny little bitch. Alois could feel both their hearts hammering away out of synch like the pots and pans orchestra of infants, one slower than the other. Ciel kissed him so softly it made him want to cry. He really wanted to untie his blindfold. He wanted to see Ciel's face.

They kissed a little deeper, Alois becoming more and more desperate to see; he felt so helpless. Ciel caught his hands before they could undo his handiwork. "Not yet," he said, and pinned Alois' wrists to the pillows above his head. The blonde was suddenly pissed off. How had he allowed himself into this situation? He must be going soft.

Ciel's lips on his throat felt wonderful; on his chest they tickled. Very suddenly Alois was bitten and he gasped. It wasn't meant to cause him pain—too playful for that—but he'd never had much of a pain tolerance and wished desperately that his hands were free so he could give Ciel a good slap. Unaware of the blonde's erratic thought processes, a train of thought conducted by a drunk, Ciel drew a line of kisses down to Alois' navel.

Alois was surprised again by something wet and hot—a tongue, definitely his tongue—dipping into his navel and dragging back up his stomach. He moaned and accidentally hit Ciel as his hips bucked unconsciously. Ciel released Alois' hands to hold him down by the thighs.

Alois was still dressed from the waist down, but the usual length of bare skin he showed gave Ciel plenty to work with. Alois felt Ciel's nose on the inside of his leg, his mouth skimming the ripe skin, and then the cheeky little bastard bit him again. Alois squeaked. Another bite, slightly higher than the first. Alois felt the muscles below his stomach clenching and unclenching and he let out a soft moan.

Then the heat of Ciel's breath was gone from between his legs and he had no clue what he was going to do next. "Lift your head," Ciel instructed, and removed the blindfold when Alois did as told.

Alois blinked in the sunlight for a moment, then took a good look at Ciel's collected face. "That's it?"

Ciel kissed him once more on the mouth. "I have work to do," he explained.

What a fucking cock-tease. "I have a better job for you," Alois said, and proceeded to tackle Ciel and cage him in with his body.


	27. Ch 16 The LAST DAY IN COURT EVERRRRRRRRR

**The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, AloisxCiel, refurnishing, memes, the most bizarre cameo, AN ULTIMATE SMACKDOWN!, pick-me-ups, failed pick-me-ups, over 8000 words, and a whole bunch of other crap that probably won't offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.**

**Last court day, la la la. Awkward Moments Day partay announcement and details at the end, and I insist that each and every one of you participate in Earth Hour on March 26! Do it for the planet! Turn off your lights for a goddamn hour! It's a **_**movement!**_** They're calling it a movement now. **

**Do it.**

**Disclaimer: My hands are bananas, your hands are bananas.**

* * *

Ciel rubbed his throat angrily and shot his collegue a look.

"Something the matter, Phantomhive?"

"Thanks to you my throat hurts like hell."

Alois grinned widely. "Well, you didn't have to visit me the other week, now did you?"

Brittany walked in with breakfast, caught a snippet of the conversation and walked back out.

"How was I supposed to know you were hosting a plethora of parasitic demon spawn?"

"It's called a _common cold,_ you pretensions dolt!" He noticed Brittany fleeing. "Hey! _Spazzmuffin!_ Have you any lozenges?"

She stuck her head back into the courtroom. "Why? Are you sick?"

"I might be coming down with something, yes."

"You and Ciel both?"

Ciel coughed.

"Yeah... that's it."

Ciel frowned. "That _is_ it! Quit making us sound bad!"

Brittany gave them each a Halls, dropped the skepticism, and flashed Ciel a grin. "Lovely job in chapter 54. I must say, I love watching you kill things."

"Thanks."

"Alois, true or false? Ciel has good reason to be secure enough in his masculinity to tote around that tiny little handgun instead of something that could actually, you know, injure anyone."

Alois grinned to his ears. "Oh yeah."

Ciel turned his pinkened face from his colleagues. "This is the last day in this blasted court, correct?" He did sound kind of hoarse, actually.

"Yeah. Don't sound too excited or anything."

"I'll try to contain my enthusiasm."

"So! This if OFFICIALLY the final court day of Kuroshitsuji Kangaroo Court _ever_, and I intend to take care of any and all unfinished business! The first job of the day is to distribute these." Brittany retrieved a king's crown and a princess tiara from her knapsack, as well as a small paper crown. "My darling friend made me this nice crown in English last last Friday, so I thought we'd all be royalty today. Ciel can be the King of the Court." She stuck the heavy crown on Ciel's head. "And Alois can be our fair maiden." The tiara was placed on his cornsilk locks.

"You didn't bring me a cape," Ciel complained.

"Lindsay, smartass that she is, pointed out that the current description on this fic claims that we'll never rest until _all_ of the guilty parties have been brought to justice. So it's LIGHTNING ROUND TIME! Men, take your seats."

For this grand finale, the IKEA sofa on the judge's desk had been swapped for a pair of IKEA thrones and one of those plush children's chairs that everyone had in the nineties—this one was Winnie the Pooh themed. King Ciel and Princess Alois claimed their thrones and Brittany plunked down in her Pooh bear chair. When everyone was _trés_ comfy, Brittany whipped out her To Do list and barked off the first name, "Damian! No last name that I know of or care to know of!"

A man in a burgundy ascot entered the courtroom.

"You showed up at Ciel's place and tried to scam him. Don't be so stupid. Your sentence is to surrender your burgundy ascot to Claude Fagstus over there."

Baffled, Damian removed his burgundy ascot and gave it to Claude, who emotionlessly tightened it around his neck. "A little tighter," Ciel instructed. "Tighter. There you go." Claude was turning burgundy as well, but he did look pretty sharp. Damian left.

"Lord Randall!" The Scotland Yard boss guy entered. "You are accused of being über jealous of sweet wittle Ciel, having him locked in a tower like a Disney princess, and ordering that his butler be tortured. How do you plead?"

"This isn't a real courtroom! Where am I?"

"Guilty! Your sentence is to get your fat stupid ass up here, get down on your hands and knees, and be the footrest for the royal couple here. DO IT DO IT NOW!"

Lord Randall swore under his breath and did as told. His compliance may have had something to do with the knife Sebastian was fiddling with.

"_HEEEEEY, Arnold!_ Alois' so-called uncle! The Kangaroo Court requests your free-loading presence!" Uncle Arnold entered. "You are accused of being a _Desperate Butt-waggler!_ I seem to have lost the television remote, so on the off chance that anyone fancies watching any TV today, you are to act as channel changer. You may not use your hands or any other extremities. You are to use only your large Alois-entertaining ass. Go stand over there."

"Will I get paid?" Uncle Arnold said. Alois laughed and sniped him with a Super Soaker.

"Let's see..." Brittany checked her list. "Oh damn."

"What?" Ciel asked.

"Oh, nothing." The King frowned and snatched the list from her. "Hey!"

"It's my parents." He turned his face down to Brittany and gave her a very perturbing look. "What are you going to do? Choose wisely."

She cowered back into her chair. "I-I d-don't know... What should I do?"

Ciel threw her papers back in her face. "Choose wisely," he repeated cryptically.

"Um, well... I think, perhaps maybe mayhaps I should um leave them be wherever they are because you would not appreciate them having to be in this wretched place right correct?"

Ciel didn't say anything, so Brittany broke down fake-crying under the pressure.

"My turn!" Alois exclaimed, reaching over Ciel to claim the To Do list. "Pluto the big white dog!" Pluto came barreling in on all fours. "You burned down London, which might actually be a federal offense. For your sentence, you will be painted red and referred to as _Clifford_. For now, please stand by. Agni!"

The Indian man entered and bowed. Soma butted in front of him and kicked hysterical-Brittany out of her chair so he could play Prince with his best friend Ciel.

"Hmmm..." Alois said.

"Hm," Ciel said.

"Hmmm!" Soma said.

"You've worked long and hard, Agni," Alois said. "Would you care to come put your feet up on Lord Randall?"

"It would be my pleasure." Agni bowed again and was given a Nondescript Chair on which to sit. He rested his feet on dumb Lord Randall's back and heaved a sigh of contentment.

"Snake!" The scaled Phantomhive footman entered, wearing a few reptiles over his uniform. He mumbled something. "The court has taken notice of your low self-esteem. THAT IS INACCEPTABLE!" Alois barked. "You must atone for your follies by hosting a self-help seminar!" He tossed a mic at the bewildered man.

"ummm..."

"SPEAK UP GODDAMNIT!"

"UMMM... My name is Snake, and um, I once had low self-esteem. Lots of other people have low self-esteem, but everyone should know that you don't need to have low self-esteem! Low self-esteem is no fun and can sometimes hold you back from reaching your full potential! Even if you have ugly hair or a bad nose or a horribly disfigured body part, you have just as much a right to have fun and be successful and smiley as perfect beautiful people! Um, thank you. I hope I inspired some of you to grab life by the balls—I mean, keep your eye on the horns—no wait, um... Can I start over?"

"NO. Go get me a fajita." Alois glanced at the list. "Next is Marchioness Frances Midford!" Ciel's other crazy aunt entered. "You made Ciel and Sebastian pin back their bangs, which as I understand did _not_ do anything flattering for them. For your punishment, you must walk around with this image of the Biebster—pre-haircut—hanging in front of your eyes, just to piss you off."

"This is absurd," Frances commented as Sebastian strapped a pole to her head, on the end of which was an image of Justin Bieber and his annoying iconic fringe.

"Bye now! Next is Alexis Leon Midford!" Ciel's crazy uncle entered. "You are charged with genetically passing annoying tendencies to your daughter. But you look like you give good hugs, so if you give me one then I'll let you off the hook!"

"Okay!" Alexis approached the stand and gave Alois a big ol' bear hug. "You are pretty cute!"

"I know right? You should see the baby Ciel and I made! It's pretty cute too!"

Alexis froze and gave Alois the single most terrifying look ever. "What did you do with my future son-in-law?"

Alois made his deer-in-the-headlights face. "Bye now!" he tried.

"No!" Alexis shook him by the shoulders. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"

"Security!" Soma yelled gleefully. You could tell he was enjoying himself. Two Dementors floated in and escorted the furious marquis out.

"It's my turn," Ciel said and grabbed the papers from his shell-shocked princess. "_Edward Midford_, future brother-in-law of mine. Won't you join us?" The hot blonde entered. Ciel looked at the papers again. "Oh, I'm not reading this crap." He passed the list to Soma.

"Edward Midford, young man I don't know!" the prince said chipperly. "You are far too attractive and are suspiciously jealous of Ciel! As punishment you are to find a real girlfriend to keep your mind off of your sister."

"Can I have him?" Brittany pulled herself together and inquired. "If Anna gets Drocell, then I want this kid. Can I call you Eddie?"

"Absolutely not_._ I shan't respond to such a common moniker!" Edward Midford said.

"Alright, alright, whatever lifts your skirt."

Edward Midford was about to storm out when he noticed Brittany's crown. "I say, are you of high social standing?"

"Uhh... yeah. I'm like, whatever Ciel is or something."

"Well, then I suppose it would not hurt to stay here for another moment." He came up to the desk and looked for a place to sit. "How come you don't have a throne?"

"Um... I sit in the witness box." Brittany pointed down.

"We have a witness box?" Ciel asked.

"Yeah, it's where I keep my snapping turtles," Alois said.

"..._What?_"

"I like turtles."

"Good to hear it," Brittany murmured. Very stealthily she latched onto the leg of Alois' throne and heaved, tipping the whole thing over and sending him toppling into Claude's arms below.

"Claude, you DO care!"

Claude dumped him on the floor. "I thought Earl Phantomhive was in that one."

Brittany and Edward Midford seated themselves in the vacated throne. Ciel reclaimed the To Do list. "_Dude_," Brittany said disappointedly. She elbowed Edward Midford. "Say 'dude'."

"Are you aware that the term 'dude' is synonymous with a pimple on a donkey's arse?" Edward Midford let out a slight chuckle. "Oh, how drole."

No one knew quite how to respond to that.

"...Charles Grey," Ciel continued. The Queen's henchman or whatever he is ninja-rolled in and stuck his sword in the first face he saw.

"You wanna GO, _WHITE BOY?_" Soma challenged.

"You are here on two accounts. The first is a charge for being afriad of ghosts to the extreme that you'd latch onto someone of my stature and level of vulnerability for security. The second is a charge for having a mullet. And everyone knows you can't have a mullet _and _be afraid of ghosts. It's simply absurd!"

Charles Grey _whooshed_ his sword in Ciel's direction. "I ain't afraid of no ghost."

"Guilty it is. You are to partake in an episode of _Ghost Hunters_ to overcome your fears. It's for your own good, I assure you." Charles Grey was booted out of the courtroom and everyone turned their attention to the television set.

"Uncle Fatarse!" Alois commanded. "Change it to YTV!"

"I'm trying!" Uncle Arnold kept backing into the TV, but other than an increase in volume nothing was happening.

"No, that't the _contrast _setting, you imbecile! Wait—no it's _four_teen! Ah! There it is there it is STOP IT! There we go!"

Everyone watched a shaky recording of the bottom three quarters of Charles Grey's face, filmed through a night vision camera attached to his equipment. "This is so scary..." he whimpered, ascending a creaky old staircase. "AHHH(Hx20)! Oh, oh my god..." Panting. The camera had fallen to the floorboards. "That door totally just opened by itself! Ehhh hhuunnnn nnnhhgg aahhnn nnmmm fffmmmmm lllmnnnaggg..." Sobbing. "And to think they sent _children_ in here before me, sick bastards... I'm getting out of here!"

In a fit of desperation, Charles Grey unsheathed his foil and carved a neat _CG _into the nearest wall before slashing it to bits and kicking his way out of the old house, screaming all the way home.

Back in the courtroom, Ciel cleared his throat and resumed reading off the charges. "John Brown." John Brown, servant of the Queen in the manga entered. "You wear your aviator sunglasses at night! Who do you think you are? Do you think that makes you appear _superior_ to all men who have the good sense to refrain from wearing dark lenses when it is _dark_ out? What is this?"

"I'm... sorry? I need to protect my identity, you see."

"I bet John Brown isn't even your real name."

"Of course it isn't. That would be stupid."

"Charles Phipps!" The other half of Double Charles entered. "You are accused of having more than one belt. You don't _require_ two belts. You're just being ridiculous. The both of you are displaying classic douche behaviour centuries before its time. As your punishment you are to stand behind the wall over yonder and line up your eyes with the paintings on the wall here. Do you see them?"

"Yes."

"Good. Now go be creepy paintings." When the two men had positioned themselves and were errily watching the courtroom goings-ons through the paintings' non-eyes, Ciel looked at Brittany in befuddlement. "What good is that going to do?"

She shrugged. Then she elbowed Edward Middford. "Shrug."

His brows pinched together. "But doing so would display poor manners. I do not believe I even know _how_ to 'shrug'."

"You poor boy. Your mum has done you a grave diservice. Look, do it like this—" she grabbed his shoulders, lifted them, then shoved them down. "Up, then down. Don't—no no no, you're getting it backwards." He was going down then up. "That just looks stupid."

Ciel glanced at the list. "Oh, I don't want to be held responsible for this." He handed it off and temporarily disappeared into the shadows.

"_Yes!_" Brittany fist-pumped. "Queen Victoria!" The Queen entered via horseback.

"Yes hello. Good day, pip pip, spit spot, cheerio."

"Indeed, quite, I say. Tea for her majesty?"

"Hmm, why yes indeed if you please. Thank you kindly." Sebastian pulled out a chair for her and served her some first-rate tea.

"Our man Bardroy claims you are a 'funky old gran'. Is this true?"

The Queen sipped her tea. "Mm, lovely. Does the butler come with it?" Then she chuckled. "Well, I wouldn't say _old_, but I can get down with the young people if need be."

"Oh, perfect! I know just the lady for you to meet!" This was Alois' cue to blow a white whistle. In came Betty White, Supreme Ruler of All Old People and High Queen of Hollywood!

"Hey!" said Betty. "'Morning, your Majesty!"

The Queen laughed all Queen-like. "Good morning, _your_ Majesty!"

"Good morning, _YOUR _Majesty! Would you care to go for a nice stroll downtown? The shops there are really something else; some of my favourites are there!"

"That sounds positively delightful! Allow me to rally up another horse for you, my dear. The views are much nicer from horseback." The Queen leaned in to share a secret. "_Because then you get to look down on everyone!_"

"Ah ha ha ha!"

"Oh ho ho ho!"

Then the two coolest old ladies ever left. "Is she gone?" Ciel asked.

"Yes."

"Alright." He went back to sit in his throne, only to find it claimed by Alois. The blonde yanked him down onto his lap.

Brittany carried on. "The ghost of King Edward and that little kid he chills with!" The two ghost boys floated in. "The 'King' here cheated and beat Ciel at chess, and the two of you stole his butler. However, neither of these things were interesting enough to make up for the fact that your little filler episode made everyone wait a whole extra _twenty-four_ _minutes_ to meet Alois. You are also too boring to punish. Go away." The boy ghosts floated out. The blood-curdling scream of Charles Grey could be heard out in the hall.

"Azzuro Vanel!" That greasy Italian guy swaggered in. "This one's easy. For kicking Ciel in the face and intending to blow—"

"WHAT?"

"Alois, for Crust's sake give it a second. For intending to _blow his brains out_, you are hereby sentenced to go dig me a canal out in the hall! Get to it!"

Azzuro Vanel frowned. "Yo, that's racist."

Brittany frowned at him. "I just want a freaking canal in my place of work. I don't see what's so racist about it."

"Yo, it's 'cause—"

"What, so Dane Cook can fancy a canal in his house but I can't fancy one in my courtroom? That's sexist or something! GET TO IT!" She tossed him a shovel.

"I wanna go again," said Alois, and snatched the To Do list. "Henry Barrymore! How come I don't know half of these people?"

"It's not your series," Ciel informed him. "I know you think the world revolves around you and the sun shines out your arse, but I'm actually the star here."

"So _you_ shine out my arse."

Ciel sputtered. "Buh, ah—"

"Hush, it's alright. I know your subconscious desires for me are screwing up your ability to speak without innuendo. It's okay, we've all been there."

"Whuh—"

The mayor of Houndstooth entered. "You are charged with beating women, which is wrong, even if they are fucking annoying women like that angel bitch. Lisbeth Salander will be here shortly to deal with you."

"What?" said Henry. Then Salander came in quietly and suddenly like a tiny Swedish ninja, whacked Henry Barrymore across the backs of his knees with a golf club, tased him in the face, and disappeared into the night.

"Harold West!" Harold West entered. "You are yet another annoying, unremarkable bit player. Go accquire enough Kraft Dinner to fill the courthouse canal. GO!" Harold West made an _Okay, Jeez_ face and went away. "Baron Kelvin!" The undead Baron wheeled himself in.

"Yes? Oh! Ciel Phantomhive!" He began fiddling with his hair and checked himself in a compact mirror. "How embarassing, I look a mess!"

When he looked up Alois was holding a pistol in his heavily bandaged face. Sebastian was standing behind him with hot tea, and Claude was standing at his side, crocheting menacingly. Sebastian the dog was growling at his feet.

"Eh heh..."

"You are a sick man, Baron," Brittany tsked. "We don't take kindly to creepy men who kidnap chiddlers and force them—untrained!—into dangerous circus stunts 'round these parts! As your punishment, YOU will be the one who paints Pluto the big white dog into Clifford!" She heaved a can of red paint at him. It clocked him on the head and then bounced off his funny bone somehow. "GET TO IT!"

The Baron rolled over to Pluto. He was not received well, but rather had his leg pierced with demon dog teeth.

Alois went back to his seat. "Great, more strangers. Joker!" Joker entered. "You are accused of totally missing out on Beast. Go sit down at that table. Beast!" Beast entered. "You are accused of totally missing out on Dagger. Go sit down at that table. Dagger!" Dagger entered. "You are accused of obsessing over Beast and then calling her your sister. That's incest! Regardless, the three of you are going on a date. Go sit down at that table!" Joker and Beast cringed as Dagger happily plunked himself down at the table. "Jumbo! There's nothing wrong with you, but be their waiter anyhow!"

Jumbo set their places, lit some candels, poured wine, and served their meals. Sebastian played some mood music on a violin. The three awkwardly ate their food until Beast punched Dagger out for fondling her leg. "That _wasn't_ the prosthetic, you dimwit!"

"Oww... I know that _now_..."

Joker tossed back his wine. When they were done, they tipped their waiter and left awkwardly arm in arm in arm.

"Wendy and Peter!" Wendy and Peter swung in on ropes. "TAKE US TO NEVERLAND!"

_In Neverland:_

"Wow I'm flying!" Alois cheered. Then he crash landed and rolled into a den full of boys dressed like animals. "Hot damn! It's like the freaking jackpot down here, ain't it?" The boys all looked at him in horror.

"What animal is he supposed to be?"

"Don't look him in the eye. You might get herpes."

Ciel poked his head in. "Gross." Then he left and ended up getting bitched at by Tinkerbell for being so gosh darn beautiful. The fairy was quickly incapacitated by Sebastian's dazzling smile.

_Back in court:_

"Me again!" Brittany said and resumed judgeness. "'Doctor', if that _is_ your real name!" Doctor entered. "So you like to grind up child bones for stuff, hm?"

"Yes." He took a sip out of a child-bone-teacup.

"If you like bones so much why don't you eat a bunch of Milk Bones and then go be a corpse on _Bones?_"

He vanished and everyone looked at the TV again. Uncle Arnold sighed and changed the channel to Global. Onscreen, Agent Booth and Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan were just arriving at the scene of the crime.

Hodgins extracted a half-dissolved bone-shaped treat from the corpse's mouth. "Check this out."

"A dog treat?" Bones clarified. "But those generally contain ingredients not suited for human consumption."

"Well he probably didn't _choose_ to get stuffed full of them," Booth said. "Unless he took his _Scooby Doo _fandom a little too far."

"The evidence here isn't sufficient enough to assume the victim enjoyed _Scooby Doo_," Bones said.

Brittany applauded. "Oh, she is a _delight_. Back to work now! Meena!" The Indian girl entered. "You have shirked your responsibilities as Soma's older sister figure. You're supposed to help guide him in the right direction, not brand him an asshole and take off to marry the wealthy lout filling my canal! Go do big sister things with him!"

Soma clapped and skipped off with Meena to go to the fair or something.

"Paula!" Paula entered. "Contrary to you, bells are not happy-making; they are irritating. But you mean well, so have this pack of stickers." Brittany gave her a sheet of rainbow Spongebob dessert sparkle stickers.

"Thank you, miss! Lady Elizabeth will be most excited!" Then she skipped off.

"Grimsby Keane and Irene Diaz!" Those two artsy peeps came in. "Mr. Keane is too fabulous for his own good and the good of London, and Ms. Diaz here is a vampire. You are to reenact that scene from _Twilight_, only backwards. You know the one; it's the one _everyone _parodies."

_In a forest:_

Grimsby faces his back to Irene. He says, "You're impossibly beautiful, and young-looking for your age. You carry red stuff around in a bottle. I _know what you are_."

"Say it," she dares him. "Say it _out loud_."

"As opposed to what?"

"I don't know, like, mumbling or something."

Grimsby mumbles something.

"No, I specifically—look, _what_ do you think I am, genius?"

"Cake Boss."

What.

_Back in court_:

"And no one else from the Murder Arc matters! THUS CONCLUDES OUR LIGHTNING ROUND!"

Alois set off a confetti canon.

"Hey wait a sec—"

"Now what?" Ciel asked. Then he checked the word count. "Ooh, we're almost done. _Yes._"

Just then, cjestarstyle ran in and tacklehugged Ciel. "I'll miss you, bud! You too!" She dragged Alois into the hug. "I'll miss all of you _so much!_" Sebastian pranced over and joined in.

"Wait a second!" Alois exclaimed. "SHE'S FROM KUAoPLaL!"

"NOT _KUAoPLaL_!" Ciel panicked a little before cjestarstyle released them all and disappeared into the afternoon.

Then Anna and Drocell showed up. "Oh, it's _you,_" Alois sneered.

"Hey..."

"You ditched us for _university!_ Pff! What am I going to do without my job on the ELC Show, especially now that this jerk-face here is letting me go too? Hmm? You two were PLOTTING together, weren't you? Gah!"

"My fortune cookie told me to do it," Brittany said.

"Nope, no plotting!" Anna said. "You have plenty of jobs elsewhere though. Seriously, don't worry—"

"THAT'S A LIE! I'm not even the star! Ciel is, and he shines out of my arse! I'm just the _thing_ the star _shines out of!_" Then he burst into tears and had a total diva moment. "I'LL BE IN MY TRAILER!" He went and locked himself in the Raep Closet.

"That could have gone better," Brittany concluded.

"I disagree," Ciel replied.

"Right then. Well, I was perusing my massive folder of notes regarding this fic—most of which are things I scribbled down in the wee hours of the morning, in the dark—and one of them says 'Things we use rubber ducks for'. Does this mean anything to anyone?"

Anna sat down in the plush chair and put on one of them cardboard crowns from Burger King. "Nope."

"Can't say that it does," Ciel added. Agni shook his head. Lord Randall said, "The _Rubber Ducky Song?_"

"Well, _I_ use _mine_ to ward of the evil antelopes of the night," said Brittany.

"Oh, then I suppose I use mine to snort sprinkles off of," Ciel pitched in.

"Mine whispers brilliant ideas to me when I'm asleep," said Anna.

"Mine floats down gutters and lures children to me," said Drocell.

Sebastian gave them all the oddest look. "I take _baths_ with mine."

Brittany checked this particular conversation off her list. "Next is 'Places where Alois can use his _If You Seek Amy_ remote'. I'm gonna say... church."

Ciel added, "Whenever someone asks him, 'May I take your order?'"

Anna added, "Whenever he gets carded."

Drocell added, "When street people ask him for change."

Brittany checked that off too. "Check. Oh! We never got to play this game!" She dug up some paper, some tape, and many colours of markers. "Everyone tapes a sheet of paper to their back, and we all go around writing nice things about them—_annonymously_. And then everyone feels warm and fuzzy inside!"

Twenty minutes later, everyone was reading their sheet of paper.

Alois had been coaxed out of his trailer to read the following, "Emotionally disturbed, morbid, manipulative, psychologically scarred, pathologically abusive, sexy—oh, thank you, who had the blue marker?"

Ciel said, "Cute, adorable, enchanting—why is 'I love you' written in ten different colours?"

Brittany read, "Funny? Funny. Funny, I guess. Short. Ditto, ditto, ditto—"

Anna's said, "Alois' ex-favourite host, nice, nice, nice, your boyfriend's weird—"

Drocell's said, "POP goes the WEASEL!"

Sebby read, "Devilishly handsome—oh, how punny—cat-like reflexes—oh, you guys are killing me—"

Thompson's claimed he was the rapper of the year, Canterbury's read that his OCD was sexy, and Timber's said, "You give me WOOD. Get it?"

Luca's said, "Brunettes have more fun, I'd burn down TEN villages for you, let's build a blanket fort!"

Bard reminded someone of Jean Havoc, Finny was both adorable and frightening, and Mey-Rin was crowned CoD champ without even having played the game.

Someone confronted Tanaka with a claim that he was actually one of Santa's escaped elves.

Grell's said, "Colourful! GayAndProud!"

Lau's said, "Great pimp, Supreme Squinter."

Ranmao's said, "This is a blank piece of paper :9"

Hannah's said, "Nice rack," in Lau's marker colour.

Edward Midford's said, "You can't shrug? Thanks for teaching me about dudes! You look like Alex Pettyfer."

Claude looked at his in dismay. There was a multicoloured drawing of some kind of karaoke disco ghost Pegasus businessman with lots of flowers and spoilers and a pet macaroni noodle. "Everyone's just been playing the add-on game on mine..."

Brittany checked the game off the list. "Check! Doesn't everyone feel great now?"

Alois had his head bowed and was shaking.

"Alois?"

"I CAN'T CRY!" he yelled. "I CAN'T CRY BECAUSE CIEL THINKS I'M UGLY WHEN I CRY!" He sniffed.

Startled, Ciel looked over at his princess from his throne. "Jeez, um... Alois, calm down, please."

"But you saw this..." Alois held up his paper woefully. "Everyone thinks I'm a head case, except for Blue Marker."

Ciel appeared to be debating with himself, then inhaled deeply, rolled his eyes, and leaned over to whisper something in Alois' ear. "REALLY?" the blonde shouted, then threw his arms around the King. "Ciel, you're so sweet!" Ciel hung there limply while Alois squeezed him, unable to see the wink the blonde gave everyone behind his back. Still convinced of his princess' sorrow, he mustered up a friendly pat on the back for Alois.

"IT'S SMACKDOWN TIME!" Brittany hollered at them.

Five minutes later, today's cast of characters was congregated in a semi-attached arena for the smackdown of the nineteeth century. Ciel sat atop his throne wearing a cape Sebastian had woven him after the one Claude crocheted was viciously devoured by his dog, and of course, his crown. Brittany and Anna sat at the announcer's table below him with the best view in the house. In opposite corners of the ring stood a malicious blonde boy with fire in his eyes, and a defiant, curly-haired blonde chick with her dainty gloved hands clenched into fists.

"Today's all-out bitch fight is brought to you by Emerald Line, and is further endorsed by ObsessivexAnime!" Brittany announced.

"Folks, this promises to be a real doozy of a smackdown, I can tell you that much right now just by looking at the contestants," Anna pitched in. "Don't you think, Britt?"

"Absolutely, Anna! Fans, the wait is over! The score will be settled _today,_ as Ciel Phantomhive's fiancée and current choice in romantic company will duke it out for the fair King's hand!"

"In the purple corner, we have Alois Trancy, the Homewrecker, the Mistress, the _Other Woman!_ Weighing in at a graceful 100 pounds, he is both misleadingly bubbly and coniving! Watch out, because he _does indeed bite!_ He knows both how to take and deliver a serious beating, so fans, hold on to your hats because this could get _ugly_."

"Ugly indeed, because in the pink corner we have Elizabeth Midford! Weighing in at a monstrous 300 pounds, most of which is hair product, this human dog-whistle boasts curls the colour of urine that dogs piss out when she speaks! That may have been too may insults in one sentence to comprehend, but you get the idea."

"Contestants! On your marks—"

"Get set—"

"GO!"

Alois and Lizzie left their corners and began circling each other. "It ends HERE, you snot-nosed commoner!" Lizzie shouted.

"Controlling bitch!"

"Obsessive faggot!"

"Whiny Kelly doll!"

Lizzie was momentarily stunned, but managed to retaliate. "Fake-blonde, fatarsed, thunder thighs!"

Alois gasped. "Well at _least _I know how to please a man!"

Lizzie screeched at him and lunged, claws out.

"And it looks like the gloves are coming off!" Brittany announced. "Literally!"

"Frizzy Lizzie catches his jaw with a right-hook, but Alois ducks the second time. Ooh! That's gotta hurt!"

"Folks, in case you missed that he just punched her right in the vag! And he's on his back, what's this? He draws back his legs and rams them right into her knobbly knees! And she's down!"

"Now she's taken up poisition sitting directly on top of him, and she appears to be yanking his hair. What a bitch move!"

"Absolutely abhorrent! Here we play fair. Alois retaliates with a double bitch-slap, and yikes, is Lizzie ever screaming bloody murder!"

"_Get the fuck off!_" Alois yelled. "You weigh a million pounds!"

"Shut the hell up before you break all the windows!"

"You've already shattered them, you clingy she-devil!"

Brittany and Anna leaned forward in their seats. "And the tables have TURNED!" Anna cheered. "Lizzie is now DOWN, and Alois is sitting casually on her stomach, filing his nails while she screeches!"

_CRASH!_

"And there go the windows," Brittany announced. "She's almost up—no, wait! I hope you saw that, folks! He just pushed down on her face and ground her ugly hair into the ground!"

"She's clawing blindly—no luck there. It looks like we're approaching the countdown!"

"Still kicking, but to no avail! It looks like Alois has this in the bag!"

"How _is_ he keeping her down?"

"Her hair is weighing her down!" Alois shouted up. "I don't have to do a damn thing!" He cackled and waved to Claude as he climbed into the ring and smacked the mat. ..._8 ...9 ...10!_

The arena errupted into cheers. Alois stood up and had the good grace to help Lizzie to her feet. She spat at him and stormed off. He pulled down his shorts and wagged his pale white ass in her direction.

Claude grabbed his hand and raised it. "And we have a winner!" Anna exclaimed.

"Alois Trancy, the hand of Ciel Phantomhive is officially yours!"

Ciel came into the ring and gave Alois his obligatory kiss on the cheek. He didn't look pleased, but he didn't look particularly ticked either. Alois took this as a good sign and swung the boy into a graceful dip, kissing him with a grin.

_Back in the courtroom__:_

The tables had been pushed together and everyone was eating delicious cakes and hors d'oeuvres and various other finger foods prepared by Sebastian, drinking various drinks, and laughing and chatting and having an overall fabulous time. Ciel and Alois sat at the head of the table and fed each other chocolate lava cake. Alois kept missing so he could kiss the filling off of Ciel's nose and cheeks.

Brittany was explaining how exactly she intended to celebrate Awkward Moments Day with all of the cast and the ever-delightful reviewers. "See, I've already done the party thing twice, and I don't want to overdo it, so that's why we're going on a cruise! It's not just a party; it's an _eight day-long inescapable party ADVENTURE!_"

"Where is this again?" Ciel asked.

Brittany fished a brochure from her pocket and read, "'On Royal Caribbean's brand new ship—the Excess of the Seas—we'll be hitting such Eastern Caribbean hot spots as St. Thomas, St. Maarten, Curaçao, St. Lucia, Antigua, and Aruba after departing from beautiful San Juan!' I must say, Curaçao's my favourite—they actually outlawed white buildings."

"I've never been to the Caribbean," said Alois. "Or on a cruise, for that matter. What's it like?"

"Well, there's beaches, nude beaches, swimming with stingrays, a cave expedition, goats, poolside entertainment, the Love and Marriage game show—to which you two will be involuntarily subjected—and as much five-star dining as you can stomach! Fun, right?"

Ciel cringed. "I haven't had the best experience on boats."

"Don't worry. Zombies wouldn't survive in the Caribbean heat."

"Ugh. Heat."

Alois cupped his cheek. "I thought you liked it hot."

Ciel turned red and tried to telepathically tell everyone to _go away_, because Ciel Phantomhive doesn't get a room; everyone else does.

No one caught the hint, so Ciel had to sneakily reach behind himself and pinch Sebastian's leg. He missed and got him in the balls, but it worked anyway. "Wellp," his startled butler said, stretching and giving everyone implicative looks, "I best be hitting the ol' dusty trail."

Brittany checked her non-watch. "Oh, are we done?"

"Yes. We're done, everyone's done. The _trail_."

"Sheesh, there's no rush. This is our last court day together!"

"Bugger off," Ciel said to her.

She frowned. "I'll see _you_ on the ship. If anyone has to jump in the pool for free champagne, I'm tossing you in headfirst." As she was leaving she talked animatedly about swimming in her new macaroni canal.

Ciel shrugged off her threat as the room was gradually vacated. Alois started nibbling at the skin of his neck.

"Ah—hey!" Ciel grabbed the parasite by the hair to remove him, to little avail.

Alois kissed him under his ear. "You know how your sheet of paper had so many declarations of love on it? Mine was the biggest one."

"The one in capitals?" Ciel murmured into the blonde's hair.

"Yes, because I love you THAT MUCH!" He shifted Ciel around so that he was sitting on his lap, back to the table, facing him.

"Why?"

Alois cupped Ciel's face in his hands and smiled at him. "Because you're sweet." When he was graced with one of those rare, lovely smiles in return, he kissed him tenderly. Ciel let him, his fingers winding contentedly through spun gold.

Alois' hands fell to the other boy's waist, slipped under his shirt, elicited a tug on his hair. He saw Ciel's eye slit open just briefly enough to shoot him a look like a dare.

With a sly grin, Alois grabbed Ciel by the ass with one hand and hooked the other under his arms, lifted, and managed to hoist him onto the table. They shoved aside china plates and empty plastic cups and laid down amongst the little cakes and tarts, stacked like two pancakes, kissing this and that and squeezing and caressing this and that and gradually slipping out of their coats. Ciel had Alois' waist in a vice between his knees, his tongue tucked into the other boy's cheek.

"Remember your kinky little game?" Alois murmured against Ciel's throat. He tugged and removed the wide blue bow from his collar.

"I ripped it off from a novel," Ciel admitted, already a little (pathetically) breathless.

"Of course you did, because you're a nerd." Alois flashed him an amused smile, and that was the last thing Ciel saw before the bow was tied over his eyes. His shirt was unbuttoned and a haphazard trail of lingering little kisses was drawn down his front. When Alois laughed it shook through him too. When Ciel sighed Alois could feel the jerk of his lungs. He could feel the hum of a moan on his lips, and he purred back in contentment.

Ciel jerked upright when Alois' fingers darted between his legs. "Hey—"

Alois squished his protests by pressing their mouths together and easing Ciel onto his back again. When Ciel stopped making noise he let him go. "I skimmed that book of yours. Do you know how the scene actually ends?"

"Yes..."

"She doesn't say, 'Well this has been lovely, but I ought' to get going. I have paperwork.'"

Ciel didn't say anything, but Alois could see the erratic thrum of his heart through his skin. He tried to take off the blindfold, but Alois caught him quickly.

"They have _sex_, Ciel."

"I know that." His lips were turned down. Alois felt his arms tense—he was getting ready to put up a big fuss.

Alois touched his jaw. "Trust me, I'm not going to do anything you'd hate me for." He kissed him on the ear, which made Ciel squirm. "You seemed to like it the other week."

"You'd be surprised how hard it is to argue with someone when your dick's in his mouth."

Alois smacked his cheek playfully. "That's the spirit."

* * *

**I keep cutting it off there :9 Use your imaginations!**

**Oh wait a sec, I wrote more somewhere *searches notes* It's one of them epilogue things.**

* * *

Alois, Ciel and Brittany all failed to complete their New Year's resolutions—but they've still got 75% of 2011, so it's all good.

Sebastian "'yes'd Ciel's lord" in many many other fics.

Claude attended a scrap-booking party and successfully scrap-booked his and Ciel's time together.

Thompson and his brothers have released a wildly successful self-titled album (_Trippz)_ and are currently employed as entertainers on the world's largest cruise ship.

At the same time, Timber stars in TLC's newest show: _19 What Not to Interior Reno Wedding Party Toddler Planning Cake Mafia Boss Midgets Plus Two_.

The Wikipedia article with Canterbury's name previously spelled with a 't' has since been corrected. Canterbury credits himself with this.

Finny has successfully grown a big cactus with a pink flower on it.

Bard smoked a pipe the whole time they watched it grow.

Mey-Rin failed to bed Sebastian.

Grell also failed.

The Undertaker successfully mummified someone. He then made the mistake of burying the body in the pyramid-shaped Muttart Conservatory in Edmonton, AB, and the authorities are now looking into the matter. The mummy has since disappeared from their evidence locker.

Lizzie failed, due to the fact that her definition of 'cute' is everyone else's definition of 'gaudy'.

Edward Midford is Brittany's awesome new virtual boyfriend, replacing a stick person drawing of historical figure Sam Slater in a party hat. Deal with it.

Soma got his desired face-time.

Agni helped him.

Luca filled out one of those epic 100 page generic bitches of a proper colouring book from the nineties. He made innovative use of Crayola's glittery crayons and classic Smelly Markers. His work is currently on display at the Metropolitan Museum of Art and the Lovre in Paris.

* * *

**Kay now we're done. SO THIS PARTAY:**

**Join us for a week in the tropics! That means **_**everyone!**_** Even if you've never reviewed before! Even if you HATE me and think I'm irritating! You'll get to see such rare sights as Ciel in swim trunks, or Alois being asked by a perky Australian what his wife's bra size is! They say a mental vacation can sometimes be as beneficial as a real one, and while that may be a lie, join us anyway for a couple thousand words and get away from this shitty weird winter!**

**Expect such fun things as all those things I mentioned before, and parties galore! Who's bringing fake ID? How many dogs do you suppose we could smuggle onboard? Who wants to shove Claude overboard? Who wants to toss Ciel into the pool? Who wants to play Sardines (backwards Hide and Seek)? What are you packing? Who would fail at a canopy rope course in St. Maarten? Who thinks they can beat Alois in a Chicken Fight? Who'd like to try? If Alois decided to "explore uncharted territory" in the caves of Curaçao, who would be loyal enough to follow him? And most importantly, who wants to make things uncomfortable for this year's AWKWARD MOMENTS DAY, which for comedy's sake has been extended to AWKWARD MOMENTS WEEK? Review now! Share your ideas! **

**Plus the Excess of the Seas doesn't actually exist. If you'd care to add any amenities to it, by all means do so :3 Whatever you've ever wanted to do in the middle of the ocean with a bunch of fictional British people.**

**So a big big big big big big big big big big thank you, (but not the LAST big big big big big big big big big big thank you) for the many reviews and all the support and kindness and encouragement and all that nice crap! Buckets of internet love for you all! **


	28. The AMW Cruise first half pt1

**Just realized that I forgot the most super important part of the last chapter. I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD TO IT! IT WAS A TESTAMENT TO HOW WONDERFUL AMANDA BYNES MADE MY CHILDHOOD AND TO GOOD WHOLESOME TELEVISION IN GENERAL! IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY! **

**WAIT EVERYONE CALM DOWN I KNOW WHAT TO DO:**

**KKC Chapter 16 Lightning Round Extended Alternate Ending:**

"Cake Boss."

What.

_Back in court_:

"And no one else from the Murder Arc matters! COURT IS ADJOURNED!" Brittany smacked her squeaky gavel on the arm of her throne and turned on her best Boston accent. "BRING IN THE DANCIN' LOBSTAS!"

Two giant plush red lobsters came bogeying into the courtroom as loud club music played. Alois cheered and joined them on the floor, flamenco dancing with the one on the right and laughing and squealing as he was dipped! Sebastian bogeyed down with the left one! Everyone else busted moves and got down on the flo, flailing limbs, pop-locking, Russian folk-dancing and sqaure-dancing! Edward Midford did the robot! Ciel looked horribly confused.

**OKAY THAT'S ALL! Now to this cruise thang:**

**I want to thank anyone who ever reviewed ever from the very bottom of my heart! You guys wrote this just as much as I did, so I am not even kidding when I say I couldn't have done this without you! Have you seen this word count? It is quite literally insane. The longest thing I wrote before this was 16 000 words. In comparison this is **_**OFF THE CHAINS.**_** So THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU (xhowever many words this is now)(!x100)**

**I didn't know how Twitter worked exactly when I started this. You'll see why that's relevant right away.**

**That's it for now!**

**Let's go on vacation! Everyone get yourself a glass of lemonade with ice cubes and tiny umbrellas, kick off your shoes if you wear them indoors, you crazy Americans, loosen your tie and turn on some nice chillaxing music! I suggest Bob Marley! Get ready to get fan-serviced! LET'S BLOO THIS.**

**Disclaimer: I'm just borrowing the shotas and their Kuro pals. And they are LONG OVERDUE and now I am accumulating all these late fees! Fah!**

**P.S. Pray for Japan! OR text "redcross" to 90999 to make a $10 donation or go to . How bout that? Plus don't forget about Earth Hour (8:30pm, March 26)! AND ESPECIALLY DON'T FORGET ABOUT AWKWARD MOMENTS DAY!**

**P.P.S. As stated in the description, I'll upload a second part later. I'm sure this massive half will suffice for the time being.**

* * *

Ciel's Journal

Day 0

San Juan

'_Come on, Ciel, come outside! The weather's beautiful! It's fun and magical and sparkly out there!'_

'_Yes, Young Master, you would not want to develop a vitamin D deficiency, would you?'_

...

In case you could not tell, those quotes were written with only the most caustic brand of fine-tuned mimicry. If only I could convey sarcasm through pen and paper; then my life would be complete.

A vitamin D deficiency? Really, Sebastian? I wonder which of those stupid women fed him that rubbish. I'm from _England_. If ever I concerned myself with something as hopeless as avoiding a vitamin D deficiency, I would stress myself into an early grave. But do any of them give a damn what I'd like to do or where I'd like to stay? Absolutely not. If I opt to _sleep in_ while I'm on 'vacation', no, that's not good enough, that's a _waste of a great opportunity_.

The short and short of it is that I ended up traipsing about Old San Juan in this ungodly heat with Alois attached to my hand like the parasite he is. It's a real damn great thing that I did not miss out on this great opportunity after all, for I learned so much and such interesting things! (sarcasm again). I have learned:

1) Alois is mortally afraid of pigeons.

2) San Juan has many pigeons.

3) It is because tourists find it amusing to share their culinary wealth with those rats with wings.

4) _The Birds_ is why Alois is mortally afraid of pigeons.

5) Apparently he thinks cowering behind me like a kicked mongrel will make them go away.

6) This is going to be a long week.

.

Alois' Twitter

Day 0

San Wan

GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!1!1!1!

There are no pijuns at sea, rite?

I minute later

I want to crawl back into bed TTnTT

Prefurably with Ciel.

.

Ciel's Journal

Day 1

Boarding the Excess of the Seas

Brittany has just supplied me with blue coloured contacts and aviator sunglasses so I can go out—and more specifically swimming—without my eye patch. These silly girls spend an awful lot of time fretting about appearances; it's growing tiresome. She also said, "I hope you brought some other clothes. You can't wear your little suits on the islands—you'll look retarded."

To which I replied, just to throw her off guard, "But how will people know how rich and powerful I am?"

She said—and I can't believe anyone takes her seriously with this utter lack of class—, "I dunno, does Armani make polo shirts for snotty little boys? What do I look like, Customer Services at the freaking mall? Just loosen your tie and pull those shorts out of your ass. Christ."

And then my fears that Sebastian had been brainwashed by the lot of them were confirmed. He said, "Don't worry, Young Master. I've packed you plenty of quality outfits suitable for your standing and our current destination." Then he went on about hollering, or apple crumble and fish or something.

After which he proceeded to have casual conversations with the girls, calling them by their first names and the whole nine yards.

Past a little irritation I could care less about all of this, but I'm writing it down anyway because we have to wait in line to board the ship, and I don't care to speak to anyone.

.

Alois' Twitter

Day 1

Wateing in a dumb line to get on that bigarse boat

Ciel is riting in his book, so I guess I shud too. Xsept mine is on my iPod, on the interweb. Ciel dusn't like using them.

THAT IS A LARGE FUCKING BOAT!

10 seconds later

This is gonna be so fun! These girls are really nice to me and if I ask for a hug I get wun—just like that! I don't even have to have sex with them! I don't get wy Ciel dusn't like them so much. Probly becus he dusn't like hugs. Or mabe becus he likes sex! AHAHAHAHA.

5 minuts later

Britney says there is a NASCAR track on the 51st deck. I think she is pulling my leg!

2 minuts later

HAHAHA, Maddie told a joke. It goes like this: Why is NASCAR called that?

...

GIVE UP?

Its becus there was a bunch of hill billys standing by the rode and a race car drove by and they said, That Is A_ NAS_ CAR! Get it? Liek _nice_ only they have stupid hill billy aksents so it sounds like _nas_! LOL.

.

Brittany was skipping up and down the line, nicknaming the reviewers. "Anna is still Anna and Lindsay is still Lindsay and Laura is still Laura! Are you with me so far?"

"I can't be the number one sexorific queen betch?" Lindsay inquired, raising her sexy sunglasses from her eyes for dramatic effect.

"It's a bit wordy. But I'll give it a go. Emerald Line!" The girl in question was trying on a suspiciously Ciel-esque wig. "Can I just call you Emerald?"

"Yosh."

"Sweet. Luna is still Luna!"

"Yes!"

"By the way, Microsoft Word thought that 'Most Violent Way' was a location! Isn't that _lovely_?"

The chipper girl smiled and adjusted her headband. "Yes. Am I still in charge of that particular endeavor?"

"Hell yeah. Claude should be scared." Brittany fist-bumped her and moved on. xMaddie was wearing an octopus outfit for the sake of smacking people and frustrating security personnel. xJudy's neon pink flip flops, aqua blue tank top and white shorts made her look like one of those rocket popsicles. "Mind if we drop the x- for a few days?"

"It's COOL YO!"

"Yo IT'S COOL!"

"NICE!" They all high-fived and the ex-judge continued on her way. "Cjestarstyle! Ex-member of KUAoPLaL! May I call you CJ?"

She smiled. "Okay, that would be fine."

She popped in front of a girl in dark denim shorts, a red striped tank, classic Converse sneakers and with white-framed sunglasses on her head. "ObsessivexAnime, my first reviewer of 2011, you said I can call you Annie?"

"Yep!"

"Rockin'!" Another high-five. "Madam Arachne, aka Shizuka, the Christmas Capture the Flag King and namer of Baby Botata the colour changing abomination baby! Can I call you Mackie?"

She smiled. "Sure."

"Nanny Kaze! Do you have the baby!"

"Check!" Kaze saluted. The baby was strapped into one of them frontal baby backpack things and wearing sunglasses, like in _The Hangover_.

"_Bellissimo! _And last but _certainly_ not least, VampAnimeLover254, possibly the most enthusiastic yaoi fangirl I've met—" the reviewer beamed, "you said I could call you Jessie?"

"Yes you may!"

"Awethome! WOW this is gonna be so much fun!" Brittany pranced around some more and narrowly avoided tripping on Maddie's tentacles.

_Afternoon:_

After everyone boarded the ship and split into awkward little groups to explore the premises, it was decided that a good game of Elevator Tag was in order.

They were standing in front of a bank of five elevators. "It's easy," Luna explained. "The person who's It rides alone, and everyone else rides alone or in groups until they catch the It person! The It person has to do a lot of Close-Door button mashing to save themselves. Oh, and don't let the authorities catch you."

"CIEL'S IT!" Alois declared, and bolted into the nearest elevator with Luca. Kaze and Baby Bo went in with him, as well as Annie and Jessie. CJ wished Ciel luck and scrambled into an elevator with Sebastian and Grell, who skipped in and dusted everyone with confetti just for the hell of it. Snake showed up with ice cream from the ice cream bar and elevated himself with Mackie and a bunch of girls who intended to mooch his iced dessert off of him. Everyone else dispersed themselves with no particular preferences or strategies. Then the games begun!

Turns out everyone had chosen Deck 6 except for Ciel. "CHANGE PLACES!" Laura bellowed, so they all scrambled about and caught sight of Ciel going up still. Maddie was having issues getting her tentacle-y self into the elevators, so gave up and went with Judy to the buffet. Sebastian managed to ditch Grell, who was now riding with Annie and Emerald.

Anna took charge. "Elevator 1, go to Deck 7! 2, go to 8! We'll go to 9! 4, wait for him here! He's bound to come down!"

"AYE AYE CAP'N!" Alois saluted.

This went on for a good fifteen minutes. An overweight couple had the misfortune of boarding the elevator that Grell, Snake, and Brittany were currently occupying and had to stand there awkwardly listening to the most inappropriate row ever. For Awkward Moments Week's sake Brittany had started an argument about what sexual gross thing Grell was doing with Snake's snakes. The snakes made some very valid points while the couple stood there, scared.

Lindsay was talking avidly about the dog she'd smuggled aboard and had to quickly change the topic to antiquing when an official stepped aboard. Turns out Luca knows a lot about antiquing.

Maddie and Judy returned from the buffet and got on the elevator that Ciel happened to be on. He stood there quietly in the corner while they ate, then accidentally 'tch'ed at Maddie's costume and was caught. Mouths full of gourmet snack foods, they happily dragged him back onto the meeting Deck and were crowned The Winners!

_Evening:_

Ciel's Journal

Day 1

Getting ready to depart

Thank god this boat is so enormous. I might not have to see any of these louts again for the whole week.

.

Brittany's BOOK OF ADVENTURES

Day 1

Getting ready for liftoff

I'm not letting Ciel out of my sight.

WHOA there goes Edward Midford in swimming trunks. I'll just give Sebastian a walkie talkie and keep tabs on the little sourpuss that way.

.

Snake's Diary

Day 1

There is very peculiar cargo being smuggled aboard, says Oscar.

The cargo belongs to some of the young ladies, says Ralph.

I want to go on the merry-go-round, says Larry.

No! It will make me motion sick! says Jeff.

Then _don't go on,_ you bloody pansy! says Larry.

Guys, stop fighting, says Oscar.

Yeah, I don't want to have to listen to this all week! says Margaret.

.

"Hello, sheilas and blokes! We've got one heck of an adventure ahead of us! Who's pumped?"

Everyone around the pool deck cheered.

"Alright! Before we set sail, I'm gonna need even MORE enthusiasm then that, alright?"

Everyone cheered louder.

"This is asinine," Ciel muttered. Beside him Alois and Ronald Knox were whooping and hollering with the best of them.

"Let's start off with some contests! I will give this bottle of _premium champagne_—" the cruise director hoisted said bottle high into the air, "to the first person to jump into the pool here! C'mon! Free champagne!"

The next thing Ciel knew, Judy and Maddie (who had won this right via Elevator Tag), Mackie (just 'cause) and Brittany (can't remember why now) had grabbed him by each of his limbs and launched him into the horribly chilly water with delighted war cries. He came up sputtering and caught Sebastian's snide grin through the blur of his unprepared chlorine-streaked eyes. The perky Australian cruise director was handing him the bottle and everyone was cheering and laughing. Ciel made it back to the deck with some difficulty, fuming and refusing to let anyone help him.

Next chance he got, he was going to shatter that bottle on those girls' heads.

.

Alois' Twitter

Day 1

OMYGOD THAT WAS SOOOOOO FUNNY! ROFLMAO! HAHAHAHAHA!

But in all seriousness, Ciel looks good wet.

.

Sebastian's Mental Processes

Day 1

He's going to need someone to dry him off.

And probably to open the champagne bottle.

And then to share it with him.

Heh heh. Heh. Ah hah. Hah HAH HAHAHAHAHA MWAHAHAHA!

*clears mental throat*

.

_Dinner (Formal Night):_

Lindsay, Annie, and Brittany all showed up in various types of Converse sneakers (white knee-high, classic black, and flats respectively). Through the manipulative use of Alois and Ciel's titles, and the Trancy fortune that was funding the whole vacation, Sebastian had managed to get everyone sitting in the same section of the dining area, so Ciel was present to scoff at them all for their inappropriate footwear.

.

Ciel's Journal

Day 1

Dinner

Maybe I'll try anorexia for a week.

.

Alois' Twitter

allmost at dinner

I hope Ciel likes my 4mal look! My short shorts have _creeses_.

By the way the boat is mooving now. The girls tot me a song that gose like this:

I'M ON A BOAT _AND _ITS GOING FAST _AND_ I GOTTA NOTICAL THEEMED PASHMEENA AFGAN! I'M ON A BOAT! I'M ON A BOAT! TAKE A GOOD. HARD. LOOK. AT THE MUTHERFUCKING BOAT!

But you have to say it all wrapper-like like thoes purple-hared guys that used to be my bitches.

.

Ciel's Journal

Day 2

Aruba

I looked outside this morning and nearly blinded myself. There's a marketplace on this island that looks like the gaudier, pinker, life-sized version of some twisted child's dollhouse.

.

Alois' Twitter

Day 2 – Aruba

Elizardbitch wuld luv the markettplase Im looking at rite now.

.

Brittany's BOOK OF ADVENTURE

Day 2 – AaaaaaaaRUBA!

We're going SNORKELING, BITCHES!

On another note, both Lindsay's horny, stray dog and my adowable wittle Sammie made it onboard safely. Thank you, _Alex Rider_, for teaching me how to smuggle things through x-ray machines! And thank you shady tranquilizer dealer from back home for helping me sedate said things.

.

Snake's Diary

Day 2

They don't like us, says Oscar. They're out to get us.

Nonsense, says Larry. Why would anyone try to remove free-roaming snakes from a confined area full of pansy-assed paying customers?

I found a hiding place! says Margaret.

.

Claude's Sick Weird Brain

Day 2

EEEEEEEEK! THIS IS _SO_ TERRIFYING! _BUT _TERRIFYING! THERE ARE _SNAKES _IN MY WASHROOM! EEEEEEK!

It's okay, don't panic. Remain calm. Have a cupcake. Keep that calm face.

Uhhh, there are so MANY of them!

.

Everyone met out on the pier, dressed in their best touristy clothes and sunglasses. Ciel looked particularly sharp sans eye patch and in some brand-spankin'-new Abercrombie and Fitch, and Alois had baffled everyone by wearing baggy swimming trunks.

Ciel, who always accidentally made Alois' legs his business, said, "I don't understand..."

"We're going _snorkeling_. Which means I have to remove my shirt, which means I need to leave _something_ to the imagination. Don't you know the rules of modesty, Ciel? I'm not a slut." Ciel just looked at him. "What? I thought you'd appreciate me developing a little class."

A long pause. "Fair enough..." Then he glanced around at the reviewers and Sebastian in their short shorts or tight jeans, most of them (Heaven FORBID!) with their ankles showing. He chose to pick on Brittany, as per usual. "And what about you? You didn't think a little class might be a good idea?"

She blew a bubble gum bubble and popped it in his face, then turned her cap sideways. "I'll show some class when you loosen up."

He snorted. "_Loosen up_. Pff." Then he cleared his throat. "Fine. If you can dress a little more modestly and watch your language, I'd be happy to _loosen up_." He was clearly skeptic of such a thing happening.

"As soon as we get back on that damn boat, it's _on like Donkey Kong!_"

_Snorkeling:_

"Has anyone seen Sebastian?"

"Oh no! SEBAS-CHAN~! Where has he gone? Has he DROWNED?" Grell splashed around in his floaties—hair tucked into a duck-print shower cap—and panicked. "I'm going after him!" He flung his floaties away and dove heroically.

"You go GETTUM!" Emerald cheered him on.

Sebastian was actually hiding in the water fauna with Ronald Knox. They were plotting.

"Just _accidentally _drown him, and then I'll swoop in and perform CPR. Can you do that for me?"

"What's in it for me? I kind of hate you."

"Um... Well, you can have my stateroom. It's much nicer. The ladies love it."

"Done."

Ciel didn't really know how to swim all that well, so he was floating about on a foam pirate ship with his snorkeling gear tossed aside. Alois kept popping up to tell him what great crap he was missing out on.

"I don't want to get saltwater in my contacts," Ciel lied. At the very least he was in his swim trunks, with a big square band-aid over the branding on his stomach, so there was that little victory.

Alois stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry for the umpteenth time and flutter-kicked off to hang with people who appreciated him better.

Ciel was just dozing off when his ship was capsized and the current or something in this totally still sandbank plunged him under. He flailed and panicked and accidentally inhaled great bucketloads of nasty saltwater, noticed an eel go by and realized that there was actually some pretty neat shit down here, then flailed a little more. He just couldn't get back up!

When his eyes were smarting, his lungs were soaked, and he was blacking out, Ciel was vaguely aware of a pair of capable arms scooping him up and hoisting him to the surface. "Hey, Sebas~! You dropped this!" Grell raised Ciel overhead like a doll.

Sebastian swam over. "Oh no! How unconscious is he? Will I need to do CPR?"

Grell swung Ciel out of his reach. "Like _hell_ you will!"

"Grell, he might die."

"That's okay."

"No, actually. If he dies and I can't fulfill my orders, then I don't get to eat his nommy soul. I even made a bib for it so I don't get soul crumbs on my duds."

Grell frowned. "I'm not supposed to let you eat souls."

"Please? Just give him here."

"Oh my god! Ciel's dying!" Alois swam over, snatched the body from Grell, threw him in his pirate ship and clambered aboard. "Wake up, baby." He smacked Ciel's cheeks. "Oh great, now I'm gonna have to Tweet that my boyfriend died."

"You're supposed to resuscitate him," Anna informed him as she floated by.

"Oh yeah."

Laura and Brittany latched onto either side of the pirate ship to lend their limited expertise. "Push his chest!" Brittany yelled.

"Not if his heart hasn't stopped!" Laura corrected.

"Oh yeah. Check the surrounding area for debris!"

"No, tilt back his head and plug his nose."

"Oh yeah! Now draw a circle around him."

"That's only to ward off Sea-Bear attacks."

Apparently neither of them remembered Phys Ed well enough. But through some miracle, Alois managed to get Ciel breathing again and hacking up seawater. "Gross," he commented.

"What did you do?"

"I made out with him. What the hell did it look like?"

Ciel feebly slapped him.

.

Alois' Twitter

Day 2

Aruba still

We ar walking around the colorfull markettplase.

I toetally just saved Ciel's life and all hes doing is ignoreing me!

1 minute later

OMG their is a GOTE folloeing me and hes tri-ing to eat my stuff!

.

Brittany's BOOK OF ADVENTURE

Day 2

Wondering how the hell we're going to get Alois back on the ship when his ID card's been devoured by a rogue goat.

.

_Evening:_

Alois' Twitter

Day 2

Pool Deck

OMYFUCKINGOD! TRIPPZ _ROCK MY THI-HI SOCKS OFF!_

Annie is tri-ing to start a mosh pit! I'll go help!

5 minutes later

HOLJY SHITT THIS IS OISSUM! I'VE NEBVER BEAN TO A CONSERT BEFOR! IT IS MUVCH HARDRER TO TWEET! SRRY FOR ANY TIPOES!

30 seconds later

Y ARE THEIR SO MANY BOOBYS AROUND?

NO SRSLY LIEK PPL ARRE FLASHIHNG EECH OTHER ALL OCVER TEH PLASE!

2 minutes later

K BEEING CLASSY IS NO FUN! I AM GHOIING TO FLASHJ PPL 2!

11 minutes later

LOL ANNY AN JUDIE JUSDT HAD TEH BEST CHUHGGING KONTEST EVUR! I CONT TELL HOO WUN—I THINK IT WUZ THEM BOTH! NO WATE I THINK JUDIE'S UNKONSHIUS. LOL!

3 minutes later

LOONA JUST NOCKED CLOD OVERBORD WITH A POOL NOODEL! LMAO! THAT WUZ SO RAD!

4 minutes later

LOL WTH? MADDY JUDST THRU UP ON SUM FAT GUTY

1 second later

*GUY

58 minutes later

HOT TUB

LOL CIEL IS LECCHURING US ABOUT CREEM!

46 minutes later

I sertanely hop that their r know rapists in the visinitee. i am liek so wasted.

3 minutes later

fuck i cont fined me room.

5 minutes later

i sware to god i just saw liek a demon giraf thing in the hallwai. holy shit this is skary.

1 minute later

gonna go fined ciel's room.

.

Ciel's Journal

Day 3

Curaçao

Last night was a living hell.

A bunch of frat boys here on Spring Break or something decided to celebrate a belated Mardi Gras on the pool deck. I'm fairly certain the triplets were amongst them until they took to the stage and started playing this noisy, godawful music.

Who in god's name invented Mardi Gras anyway? A holiday where women display abhorrent indecency for _shiny plastic?_ I am highly ashamed to have recognized some of them as members of our party. Brittany is really losing our bet. And I honestly did not expect that from Edward Midford.

Hm, that's right too. I'm supposed to 'loosen up'. I guess I won't put garters on my socks today.

5 minutes later

And what in god's name is with all of the fake IDs? Lindsay had one, Annie had one, Mackie, Laura, Judy; CJ got drinks anyway just because she's _Dutch_—I don't even know how she got away with that.

And then this _dog in heat _came up to me and started doing HIGHLY INNAPROPRIATE things to my leg! It _wouldn't go away!_ Then Lindsay stumbled over and slurred at me. She said, "HAPPY APRIL FOOLS!" and then passed out on Edward Midford's lap—who was also wasted, by the way, and _covered_ in beads—who in turn happened to be passed out on Brittany's lap—also heavily beaded—who was sitting on a chair and patting Kaze's head and mumbling about how responsible she was, because in the midst of all this chaos she was giving the baby a philosophy lecture so he would be as smart as his scale-tipping-IQ-possessing parents. (And at that I have to laugh (meant merely as an expression; I wasn't in a laughing mood), because the two of our IQs on one scale would indeed tip it quite notably in my favour)(Actually that is quite humourous.)

Then Anna and Drocell went around rousing everyone and coercing them into that blasted whipped cream hot tub from early in the ELC Show—of course _I_ was inevitably forced into it as well—and I was sitting there, explaining that heated whipped cream would simply be warm cream and that the whole concept of a Whipped Cream Hot Tub was physically improbable. I was merely providing those ignoramuses with a little scientific enlightenment, and do you know what they did? Alois accused me of being an expert in warm cream, then pushed me by the back of the head and shoved my face in it.

And that's why I'm not leaving my stateroom today.

1 minute later

Holy hell, he's in my bloody bed.

.

Alois' Twitter

Day blarrrgh

i think i was tweeting in my sleep. what's this abowt a submarene? and i axed sumwum for old spice and a bostun creem donut.

30 seconds later

found the donut.

10 seconds later

o cool ciel's up.

.

"Get out."

"...whuh—?"

"Out!"

.

Sebastian's Mental Processes

Day 3

Curaçao

There's a baby in my closet and a horny canine painted like a tiger in my bathroom! Knox and Claude are passed out in my room, and Grell is missing. So is Claude's purse.

.

Claude's Sick Weird Brain

Day 3

Curaçao

It's a _satchel_.

.

_Super Late Breakfast:_

While the reviewers were competing to make the most bizarre but delicious breakfast, Edward Midford was raising a fuss about something or other. "Why does everyone keep calling me by both my given name _and_ surname?"

"Because no one wants to be reminded of certain sparkletards," Maddie explained as she doused her Belgium waffles in gravy.

"Then why not Ed? Just Ed?"

"Because another blonde guy dibsed it first!" said Mackie as she selected a fruit to go with the bacon in her biscuit sandwich. "You can't just steal State Alchemists' names you know!"

"It's a federal offense!" Brittany pitched in. She was smothering a sunny-side-up egg in rhubarb sauce.

Edward Midford scratched his head. "How about..." He thought.

Brittany tossed on some icing sugar. "I can call you Ward. Just Ward."

"Why don't you call me Marquis Midford?" He smirked. "Oh yes, I quite like the sound of that."

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you getting off on your dad's title."

Edward Midford said nothing.

"Call him Edford," said CJ. She was spreading whipped cream on something.

"Edford Midward!" Luna finished off. Her breakfast was by now just a mass of sprinkles, icing sugar, and various other sweets.

The consensus was that that was a good name. Everyone sat down to eat. Edford Midward looked saddened.

_Later:_

Alois' Twitter

Day 3

Curaçao

Holy shitstickers! Clod just got cattapoleted overbord! With a cattapolet! This boat has EVERYTHING!


	29. The AMW Cruise first half pt2

_On the pier:_

Brittany's BOOK OF ADVENTURE

Day 3

CURAÇAO, WOOT WOOT!

Once upon a time all the buildings in Curaçao were white. Then the Dutch governor man came along, it harshed on his mellow, and he ordered that everything be painted! Not a single white wall left behind! IT'S SO FABULOUS!

Anyway, today I am wearing a floral sundress of tasteful length and some nice gladiator sandals. I also took out my helix piercing. And I've got Sammie in a purse I stole from some lady so I can be like a celebrity with one of them tiny dogs except she weighs 10 pounds and has a gnarly beard and some pretty grandpa-ish eyebrows and all. I've got this bet in the BAG!

No seriously, Lindsay was giving me lessons in Classiness and everything, because if I know anyone classy, it's her! Luna gave me advice too, and she let me borrow one of her billions of headbands. Maddie's wearing a tiara today so we all just _exude_ sophistication.

.

Ciel's Journal

Day 3

What the hell? I didn't know she was actually going to make an _effort_.

Now Annie and Alois are mussing up my hair. Anna just untucked my shirt and pulled down my shorts a bit—the nerve! She says they need to 'sag'. Apparently this is for my own good.

5 seconds later

CJ just popped my collar and made me undo my top two buttons. I must look like such a douchebag.

.

Alois' Twitter

Day 3

I sware to god I can see Clod like _rite_ to the left of Jessie. He wuz just in the water! WTF?

1 minute later

Now hes hitting on Sebashtun. I dunt get it! This is so weerd!

_In the caves of Curaçao:_

"...escaped slaves hid in these caves, which actually used to be underwater millions of years ago when the sea level was higher. And if you look up you can see a stalagmite shaped like the Virgin Mary!"

Alois yawned. This was so freaking dull! Along the lit path he happened to have noticed a few niches and detours that were blocked off for reasons totally unobvious to him, and was just making his plans to round up a spelunking possey when he noticed some unfamiliar chick chatting up Ciel.

Dumb bitch. Alois wedged himself between them and plastered on a fake-ass smile. "Hello. Who the fuck are you?"

"Kitsune. We're going to be working together soon in a humor fic? Don't worry, we'll be introduced properly."

"Ciel, sweetcheeks, is she bothering you?"

"Like you wouldn't believe," Ciel muttered.

"Kay then we're off!" Alois grabbed him and Luca and tapped Annie and Kaze on the shoulders. He whispered, "We're going on an expedition. You in?"

They both nodded and stealthily followed behind him.

"Wait what?" Ciel stage-whispered. "Let go of me! I'm not coming with you!"

"Oh yes you are," Mackie said, and shoved Ciel from behind. Jessie, Luna and Judy caught word of the detour and joined the group, Judy fist-pumping enthusiastically.

.

Alois' Twitter

Day 3

in some dumbass caves

srsly whut is so grate about this iLand? I got a bunch of them chicks and Luca and Ciel to come with me on an advenchur, so this shuld be interesting.

5 seconds later

We found a nice crak we can all fit thru! I just notist that Ciel's coller is popped. WTF? U can kind of see sum of his skinny little chest tho, so that's nice. And I think sumwun snached his stupid-length socks.

10 seconds later

JESUZ CRISTE IT IS DARK IN HERE! I hav to keep tweeting or els my iPhone will go dark and then I mite get skared and look stupid.

12 seconds later

lots of rocks.

6 seconds later

la la la la la

19 seconds later

Oh my god, Ciel is such a winer. Fuckin com down child! if the rocks were gonna fall down on us, y wuld they make it so esy to get away frum the group?

22 seconds later

he says a rock just hit him on the hed.

36 seconds later

ok now theirs like a hundred rocks hitting him on the hed apparently. he says Is Everywun Still Here? Sumwun says Loona Is Gon But There Is A Plushy Loona Here Insted. Ciel says Tch.

.

"I'm pretty sure you're imagining the rocks," Alois said. "I'm not getting hit by any of them."

"You just can't feel them because your skull's so thick."

"Be nice to him!" Annie reprimanded him. "You shouldn't diss your spouse like that."

"Actually, I can seriously see this." Judy was walking an inch behind Ciel. "There's sand falling on his head."

Ciel shook out his hair. "That baby's not with us, is it?"

"Hey," said Luca.

"Not you."

"No," Kaze said. "I left him with Sebastian."

"I can see a light!" Jessie exclaimed and pointed.

"Oh my god! Have to Tweet this!"

.

Alois' Twitter

Day 3

in da caves

SHE CAN SEE A LIGHT!

.

The group of seven emerged into a large cavern, glazed with a thick layer of dazzling blue-purplish crystals. Droplets of Caribbean sunshine fell through tiny cracks and soaked the cave in an unearthly violet glow. Alois, an avid fan of Purple, practically had stars in his eyes.

"This is pretty rad," Mackie said.

"Looks like rock candy!" Judy exclaimed.

"Or _rocks_," Ciel remarked. She and Luca ignored him and started looking for the most delicious-looking rock to steal.

"Ohh, Ciel!" Alois hugged the boy from behind. "This is so picturesque and romantic, don't you think?"

"Umm..." Alois had started kissing his neck. Annie was standing there watching intently. "Do you mind? This is kind of awkward."

"Just gettin' in the spirit of the holiday," said she.

"I see."

Eventually everyone else had kind of dispersed to half-watch-them half-look-for-cool-things and Ciel and Alois were left to their devices loitering in close proximity near the cavern entrance. The little bits of sunshine that came through made Ciel's eyes—both of them today!—shine in a more special unique blue than his usual special unique blue. The colour of souls or whatever Alois called it.

Alois smiled at the sight of those eyes and then gave Ciel a light peck on the lips—a test, simply—and was received well, so added a little more pressure, a little less space between them both. The lazy blue of the cave was putting Ciel in a kind of chill mood, especially now that he wasn't having tiny rocks rained on him.

He wasn't going to lie—now that he'd gotten used to it, it felt fairly freaking good. He didn't even mind having Alois' tongue slipped into his mouth anymore—it was less like Sound The Alarms and more like Oh Hi There, Come In, Come In, There's Pie In The Kitchen. And the blonde's hair was so soft; he just wanted to bury his hands in it.

Alois chuckled, evidently pleased with himself, and abandoned Ciel's mouth to poke around where his buttons had been so invasively undone earlier, and without bothering to think about it Ciel nuzzled his face in that soft lovely hair. Clearly amused, Alois came back up to peck him on the cheek. And also to shove his pelvis right up against him. Ciel accidentally squeaked, attracting the attention of the other people in the cavern.

"Well this is awkward," he murmured.

"_Let them watch_," Alois whispered huskily. Ciel snorted and pushed him off.

"Found one!" Judy exclaimed, then held up a dazzling rock the size of her first. That's when everything started to shake.

.

Sebastian's Mental Processes

Day 3

In the caves

Why is Claude getting so friendly with me? I am severely creeped out. This is so awkward.

.

Brittany's BOOK OF ADVENTURE

Day 3

The mystical Rainbow Island caves~

Why is Claude coming over to me? WHY IS HE GRINNING? Holy shit, he's going to kill me! IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME! WHAT DO I DO? WHERE DO I RUN? VIRGIN MARY ROCK, HELP ME! IGUANAS, ATTACK!

1 minute later

He gave me a plastic glow-in-the-dark ring. What the fracas?

.

Grell's Mental Diary

In a dark, potentially dangerous confined space with Sebas-chan~

What is this Sebas-wannabe (Webas, for short) doing chatting me up? Gah! The _nerve!_

2 seconds later

_He PATTED my HAIR!_ Ew ew ew ew! What a greasy man! Must remain calm though, musn't diplay weakness to Sebas-chan! He deserves someone strong. I must steel myself.

3 seconds later

This is sooooooo _awkward!_

_._

Alois' Twitter

HOLY CRAP ON A CRAKKER! SHES GONNA BLO!

30 seconds later

o apearantlee that is not whut I ment. ciel is so nit-piky.

10 seconds later

escapeing...

5 seconds later

still escapeing...

14 seconds later

just herd a mitey cullapsy noys. I sertanely hop their wuz nowun left in their. that wuld be such a buzzkill.

.

Luca's Twitter

Day 3

DINNER!

The wayter is teeching us to make swons owt of ar napkins!

5 minutes later

Now Kaze is teaching me how to spell! Boy, she is smart! She says she taught this baby that the world is round!

.

Alois' Twitter

Day 3.9999

nite time

boat's moving again. god it's sooooo freaking dark in here! I terned on the lites but it is still so dark outsyde too—their ar NO streetlites in the middle of the oshun! I am kind of skared.

10 seconds later

gonna go fined Ciel's room.

2 minutes later

holy shit, now I'm lost in the hallway. I cont remember if I was rite or left of him...

1 minute later

oh god I'm skared!

10 seconds later

hoo is playing Not Afrayd by m&m? I can here it! That is not funny!

2 minutes

just saw Emerold come out of a random dore with a Clod wig. ok then. I axed her wich way to go and she said rite, so rite I go!

20 seconds later

found him! :3

.

Ciel's Journal

Day 4

Sea Day

We aren't docking anywhere today, which means it will be slightly more difficult to avoid running into undesirable company. There's some sort of game show later in the evening that Brittany keeps mentioning. Count me out.

I minute later

How does he keep getting in here?

.

Alois' Twitter

Day 4

lost at sea

tweeting in my sleep AGAIN! whut was it this time? 'Halp, there is a dragon in my plumbing' WHOA! WTH? I didnt no I culd spell plumbing!

1 second later

I think Ciel is stareing at me.

2 seconds later

He just patronized my spelling.

3 seconds later

He is impresst that I can spell patronized. I SPELLT IT OWT, CIEL!

5 seconds later

Just relized how fuckin close he is to me rite now. hot damn. bye iPhone.

2 minutes later

failed.

.

_LOVE AND MARRIAGE, LOVE AND MARRIAGE, GO TOGETHER LIKE A HORSE AND CARRIAGE!:_

"Good evening, everyone! As always, I am your host, Sydney!" said the cruise director. "Welcome to Royal Caribbean's version of the popular television game show, _Love and Marriage!_ Do we have any brave young couples in the audience who'd like to play for a bottle of _free premium champage_?"

Anna grabbed one of Ciel's arms and flapped it around in the air. "Hey!" he snapped. Alois' shot up of his own accord. Most of the reviewers and Britt—who had downed a few Pina Coladas before the show started—jumped up and made a ruckus: "Pick these guys! PICK THEM PICK THEM!"

"Do I see any volunteers? You folks up there perhaps? No? Okay, how about... Ah! The adorable little couple in the back!" Ciel blanched. "Sir, miss, could you come up?" Ciel turned red again.

"Did she just call me _miss?_"

"GO!" the mini-Aloiel fanclub shouted and shoved him forth. Alois hooked him by the arm and skipped down the aisle like they were on the way to fucking Oz. They climbed onstage, Alois beaming, Ciel trying to muster up whatever dignity he was sure to lose within the next hour, and sat in the armchairs they were directed to.

"And who do we have here?"

"You don't _know me?_" Alois asked in shock. "I'm Alois fuckin' Trancy! That's my fanclub over there!" He pointed. "Ever been on the internet? I'm a big deal there. Japan too."

"Wonderful! And the young lady?"

Ciel said his name with all the malice and annoyance he could summon.

"Lovely name! _C'est français pour _sky,_ oui oui?_" Sydney received no response. "Now we need a more middle-aged couple! Come now, it'll be tonnes of fun!"

Within the next few minutes, the stage had been dominated by outspoken personalities from the KKC's travelling group. Grell had dragged Sebastian onstage to play the male role of the middle-aged couple, and Tanaka and his new sweetie—Queen Victoria—had jumped at the chance to be the seasoned old folks of the bunch. By the time they'd all had mics attached to their shirts, and had introduced themselves and exposed themselves for ye ol English psychos that they were, Sydney was obviously flustered.

"Well, this should be an interesting show! For the first portion, I'll ask the uh... the blokes to step backstage to a soundproofed area. I'll be asking your partners a series of questions! When you return, I'll get your answers and we'll compare to see how _well_ your sheilas know you, alright?"

Alois sprang up first and gave Ciel a good luck kiss on the hair, which was shaken off with such vigour you'd have thought it was a locust or something. The blonde delivered a quick scolding yank to his lady's ear and skipped away with Sebastian and Mr. Tanaka.

"Question number one! We'll start with you, Ciel. Can you tell me what colour underwear Alois is wearing right now?"

Ciel wrinkled his nose. "I doubt he's wearing any." The audience laughed. "I'm serious."

One of the girls wolf-whistled. "I bet you had a hand in that, eh, Phantomhive?"

"Grell, you're up next? What colour underwear is Sebastian wearing _right now?_"

"WHO WANTS TO KNOW? I swear, puny mortal woman, if you so much as lay a _hand_ on my Sebas-chan, I will _yank_ it out of its socket and club you over the head with it~!"

Sydney laughed. The momentarily shell-shocked audience also laughed. "Oh _you~!_"

"I'm serious!"

"Your Majesty, Queen Victoria! What colour is Tanaka's gitch?"

"That's a matter of national security." No one laughed. Then the Queen chuckled. "Kidding! It's hot pink!"

Someone wolf-whistled. "Let me guess: if he gets lost in a crowd, all he needs to do is flash everyone and his arse'll be like a beacon for his queen? Ha ha ha!"

"Oh ho ho ho!"

Ciel rolled his eyes and sunk back in his chair.

_Question #2_

Sydney: "Who was his last girlfriend?"

Ciel dug a seldom-used iPhone out of his pocket. "Well let's see." He logged onto FF and started scrolling. "He's married so many random girls on the _Everybody Loves Ciel Show_ that I honestly can't remember."

Queen Vic: "According to _Alois'_ _Super Fabulous Amazing Diary_ he had a thing going with my Tanakers too."

Ciel: "...I think it was some girl named Felicia."

Sydney: "Alright. Grell?"

Grell pointed somberly at Ciel. The tipsy, easily-amused audience found this hysterical.

Sydney: "And her Majesty? Who was Tanaka with prior to his relationship with you?"

Queen Vic: "Some fellow named William T. Spears," she answered.

Grell choked on his own saliva.

_Question #3_

Sydney: "If there are any children in the audience, I'd ask that their parents please cover their ears for this next question!"

Ciel: "Dear god."

Sydney: "Ladies, where is the strangest place you and your man have ever _made whoopie?_"

Grell: "Is that a pudding of some sort?"

Queen Vic: "It's SEX, you flaming lout!" She guffawed boisterously. "I thought you of all the folks up here would've known that!"

Sydney: "Ciel?"

Ciel inhaled very very very deeply and decided to go out with grace and dignity. "The only place we've engaged in such activity was back at my manor. Certainly nowhere strange."

All the girls wolf-whistled and hooted at him. The cheekier non-whistlers of the party were just shouting, "WHISTLE WHISTLE!"

Sydney: "I respect that. Grell?"

Grell blushed and flapped his hands defensively. "Oh no no no! Sebastian is very virtuous, you see! He's saving us for _marriage!_"

Sydney: "You expect us to believe a specimen like _that_ has yet to be broken in?"

Grell stood up. "NOW YOU LISTEN HERE—"

Sydney: "TRANQS PLEASE!" Security personnel aimed and fired from their hideouts. Grell went down like a sack of hammers. [Where does that expression even come from? Who carries their hammers in a _sack?_ I carry mine in a briefcase! A briefcase of hammers!]

Queen Vic: "A stall in the ladies' room at Hooters. The very one that Bieber fellow hid from his fans in!"

Sydney: "I certainly hope neither of you brought that up during the act!" Pause for audience laughter.

Queen Vic: "Why?"

_Question #4_

Sydney: "Last one, ladies!" Grell was beginning to stir a bit, his supernatural system having made quick work of the tranquilizers. "What is his _most annoying habit?_"

Ciel: "I can only choose one?" Audience/fangirl laughter.

Sydney chuckled. "You can always pay for another week on the ship! We'd be _happy_ to listen to more of your complaints!"

Ciel wracked his sexy brains. "Give me a sec to sort through it all."

"Ciel, don't be cruel!" Brittany stood up and shouted.

"YEAH!" Lindsay pitched in. She was wearing a Care Bear costume this evening. Just 'cause. "We all LOVE each other REMEMBER? LOVE LOVE LOVE! Everything's _LOH-VEL-LY!_"

"Remember all the fun times with us on _ELC_?" Anna asked. "Fun times, Ciel!"

Laura whistled. More fangirl applause.

Ciel: "Shut up! All of you!" He pinched the bridge of his nose, then planted his hands firmly on his armrests as if to get up. Then he changed his mind and stayed seated. "Fine, do you know what annoys me most about him? He gets all this praise and backup just like you guys are giving him right now, and he's gotten blown up into this _image_ of this _crazy bipolar heartless psychopath_, and it all makes it very hard to figure out what he's really like, because he now feels the need to support this image and play his role and I don't think he's really like that!"

The audience _awwwwwwww'ed_.

Ciel sighed. "I think he has the potential to be very sweet, but he's too busy being the nutcase everyone loves." He paused. "Well, everyone _else_ loves."

Sydney: "Wow that's heavy, mate. Grell?" Grell gurgled on the floor. Emerald and Annie came up to the stage to revive him with a nice Cosmopolitan. His nose twitched, his acid-green eyes popped open, and just like that he was up!

Grell: "Sebas-chan loves his cats more than me."

Sydney: "Really? With those cat-eyes of yours? What a CAT-astophe! Ah ha ha ha! Her Majesty!"

Queen Vic: "Kay, so we'll be in the _middle_ of a conversation or coitus or something, and just like that, TOTALLY out of the blue, POOF! He's a little midgetty chibi guy! I have nothing against him randomly midgetizing, but some _warning_ would be nice!"

Sydney: "Not such _small _potatoes, is it, mate?" She laughed at another of her dumb puns. "Oh I crack myself up. I've no idea why they kicked me out of Australia. Now! It's time to bring back the gentlemen and see how accurate our ladies here were!"

Alois, Sebastian, and Tanaka filed back in and sat down. They were met by furious blushing, animated spazzing and cute-old-people-type kisses on the cheek by Ciel, Grell, and Queen Victoria respectively.

Sydney: "Alright, blokes. I'm going to relay the questions I asked your ladies here back to you, and we'll see how well they did. Alright?"

Nods.

Sydney: "Alois, Ciel said that you are _not_ wearing any undergarments at the moment. Is this true?"

Alois _pffff_'ed. "No! I happen to be wearing some very tasteful boy-cut shorts that are slightly shorter than my actual shorts! They're orange!"

Ciel frowned. "Well how the hell was I supposed to know _that?_"

Sydney: "We never got a clear answer out of Grell. Points docked!" Half the audience booed. "OH FINE! Grell, _right now_. What colour are Sebastian's underpants?"

"Black."

_Ding ding!_

Sydney: "That is correct! Tanaka, will we be making this a two-way tie?"

Tanaka: "Only if my Queen Honeybee here said I was wearing hot pink."

_Ding ding!_

Sydney: "Fantastic! The next question was, 'Who was his _last girlfriend?'_ Ciel, you said Felicia. Is that correct, Alois?"

Alois shook his head frantically. "No no no not at all! If we're talking about all my wives, _AmuletSpadeTheNekoVersion_ was my last one! And before that was Anna, but she ditched me for puppetard! Mind you I did partake in a brief Baby Bath Lesson with Kaze, but I don't believe that counts..." Alois thought about that with some imaginary-goatee-stroking. "You know, this actually helps."

Sydney: "So that's another no-pointer for our young couple here! Grell, you said...?"

Grell: "Ciel! Do your job, bitch!"

"Is this true, Sebastian?"

Sebastian furrowed his brows. "My young Master is not a girl."

Gasps from the majority of the audience. Sydney's eyes were as wide as spoons. "_WHAAAAT?_ Your _master?_ My my MY! Quite the dynamic we have up here, isn't it! I've never had both a young lady and her personal sex slave on the show before!"

Ciel took a very very very very very very very very deep breath.

"You don't have to defend yourself to them," Alois whispered. "They're all dumb anyway."

Very very very very very very long exhale. "I know that."

Alois grabbed his hand. "I know Sebastian isn't your sex slave and that you don't have any nasty lady parts. Don't worry, love!"

Somehow that kind of helped.

Sydney: "And Tanaka! Her Majesty said that you were last with a Mr. William T. Spears? Is this correct?"

Tanaka looked at the cruise director blankly for a moment. Then he burst into laughter. "_Oh ho ho ho ho!_ I can't get anything past this woman, can I? _Ho ho ho!_"

_Ding ding!_

Sydney: "Alright! Ciel and Alois remain at _zero points_, while our other two teams sit at two-for-two! So question three: Where was the strangest place you made _whoopie?_"

Alois: "In my dreams." He let out a quick burst of his personal brand of childlike laughter. "Actually, I only ever nailed him once. It was at his place. And um..." He looked out at the audience as if they weren't there, gathering his thoughts. "I think... I should probably apologize for that. Ciel wasn't exactly sober and junk, and I don't think he would truly have wanted done to him what... well, what got done to him. Um, I'm sorry. Deeply deeply sorry." He bowed his little golden head and mumbled it a few times more. "I'm sorry, Ciel. I should know better, but it's hard to."

More audience _awwws_. Some drunk guy bellowed, "Wait isn't that RAEP?"

Sydney: "Sebastian, Grell spoke very highly of your virginity! Was he telling the truth?"

Sebastian: "No. The last woman I was with was at the nun-factory. And after that there've been a couple dozen fangirls, but I've stopped keeping track of them."

Grell's jaw dropped. "Whuh?"

Sydney: "And Tanaka! Where was the strangest place in your memory that you and your Queen here made _whoopie?_"

Tanaka: "The Biebster's Hooter hideout!" He and the Queen high-fived.

_Ding ding!_

Sydney: "That puts our seasoned old coots here in the lead! Last question for this round: What is his most _annoying _habit?"

Alois' face instantly soured. "Oh boy." Ciel surreptitiously turned his head away.

Sebastian happened to be holding a cat he'd had stowed away in his casual vacation clothes. "Cats?"

_Ding ding!_

Tanaka _poofed_ into his mini-self.

_Ding ding!_

Alois flopped his head back in dread. "Lemme guess, Ciel made a WHOLE HUGE list, and now I have to demean myself until I've pegged every little flaw on it?"

Sydney shook her head. "There was only one that he gave!"

Alois raised his eyebrow. "Is it my tendency to molest people as a means of establishing myself as Alpha anything?"

_Ehn!_

Sydney: "That is incorrect! Ciel said that your most annoying habit was behaving within the expectations of your fans, as opposed to how he believes you to truly be—a sweet young man."

Alois blinked. "Am I getting Punk'd?"

Ciel _thunked_ his head down on the armrest while the audience laughed.

* * *

**I hope that's enough for the time being. I'll post the rest once I've finished and the swelling in my thumbs goes down (I'll be shocked if I don't get premature arthritis from all this babbling) so for now have a Happy Awkward Moments Day, sorry if you didn't get much face time—it **_**will**_** be resolved in the second half—and for the love of all that is good and holey, go check out the new Mother Mother album! It is BRILLIANT!**

**Also I know that Sydney is not a very good Australian. That's why they kicked her out.**

**Not proof-read because it's horrifically large.**


	30. The AMW Cruise 2nd half pt1

**Sorry that took so long! I've been rather occupied (I finally got a job somewhere!) But now 'tis Spring Break, so I will finish this if it kills me.**

**My only regret is that I did not borrow my friend's Australian/English dictionary to make Sydney less lame. But then no one would've understood her. They (occasionally) call crocodiles horses. But I digress!**

**And I still don't really get the appeal of Vocaloids. But I digress again!**

**Disclaimers: Still don't own this, don't own PotC, don't own Meap, don't own Disgaea, don't own DRRR, don't own reviewers, don't even own my own Australian/English dictionary. *sigh* **

**P.S. Thanks to Anna B-nana for Laharl's journal! That's just what I needed for my writer's block.**

**P.P.S. Did you guys listen to the Mother Mother album (Eureka)? I told you to. It's mind-blowing. So have a mop handy.**

**P.P.P.S. I know you're not gonna do it. If I could MAIL you all a copy, I would! Out of my own pocket! That is how fantastic I think it is!**

* * *

Sydney chuckled. "No, mate, I'm pretty sure that was genuine."

Alois: "Oh. OH! _HEY!_" He leaned over and gave Ciel a good shaking.

"What."

"You're doing your bipolar sneaky brain-ninja shit again!"

"What?"

Sydney: "Alright, now it's time to test the men! Ladies, if you could follow my assistant over there—thank you. Gentlemen, just like your sheilas there, I'll ask you four questions and then we'll compare answers and tally up the points. We all ready?"

_Round 2!_

"Question number one! Alois, what is the very first thing Ciel touches when she wakes up in the morning?"

Alois put up a finger. "Kay first of all, my man's a man. And he would either be touchin' his eye out of habit, or that cute little Boy Scout pistol he sleeps with 'cause he's usually spazzing about something or other right after he wakes up. Least when I'm there."

Sydney: "Alright. Sebastian? What is your answer? What would Grell touch right after he's woken up?"

Sebastian shrugged. "I don't know, the masses of hair he's accidentally suffocated himself in?"

Sydney: "And Tanaka? Your Queen?"

Tanaka: "Probably me. _Ho ho ho!_" The audience laughed. Adorable old people are adorable.

Sydney: "Oh _you!_"

_Question #2_

"Now, this question is REALLY going to test your noodle. Let's say your lady finds herself in a situation where you need to bring clothing to her, and the only possible way is for you to buy new stuff! This includes a _bra_. Now, which size are you going to bring? Alois?"

Alois stroked his chin. "26 AA, I believe, was what he was wearing when he was cross-dressing that one time."

Sydney: "Alright. Sebastian? What is Grell's bra size?"

Sebastian: "He goes commando." Uncomfortable audience laughter. Boisterous guffaws from the KKC party for Sebby's choice in answer.

Sydney flapped her hand. "_Scand_-uh-lous! Tanaka, do you have an answer for us?"

Tanaka: "My darling's got a pair of double D's!"

_Question #3_

Sydney: "This is another toughie for any of you who tune out your lady's complaining."

Sebastian: "So, all of us."

Sydney: "Gentlemen, if she could change _one thing _about herself, _just_ one, what would it be?"

Alois took a second to think. "I'mma go with his height."

Sebastian: "His junk. He'd opt for a different brand of plumbing, I think."

Sydney: "Alright, alright. Tanaka? Have you any more gems for us?"

Tanaka sipped his tea and smiled. "She wouldn't change a thing, because I've told her she doesn't have to."

Everyone _awww'_ed. Alois giggled like a schoolgirl watching a chick flick.

_Question #4_

Sydney: "Last one, men! We usually ask something about the ladies' families for the final question, but I think since was got such an intriguing, sincere response for this question last round, I'm going to ask you guys the same thing. Gentlemen, what is her most annoying habit? Pick _one._ Go!"

Alois looked flustered. "Pass!"

Sydney: "You can't—"

"FUCKIN' PASS ME! I'll answer in a minute!"

"_Alright, alright_. Sebastian?"

Sebastian: "Gotta be that nickname."

Sydney chuckled. "Care to share it with us?"

Sebastian cleared his throat, and made what was quite possibly the gayest sound to ever have exited his mouth in a remarkably accurate imitation of Grell calling for him down a dark alleyway or wherever they usually accidentally crossed paths. Sydney and most of the audience burst out laughing.

The cruise director wiped a tear from her eye. "Oh, that's great! Have you ever considered doing stand-up, Sebastian? Imitations are a real hit."

"No thanks."

"Alright. Tanaka? What is the Queen's most annoying habit?"

Tanaka set down his tea and crossed his arms. He did a little annoyed mustache twitch thing. "Sometimes when I'm driving us somewhere she'll call me Jeeves. Not by accident. Just because she likes having a chauffer named Jeeves."

Sydney: "If you don't mind my saying so, you do look like you could make a good Jeeves."

He shrugged and drank some more tea.

Sydney: "Alright, Alois. You're up."

.

Alois' Twitter

ON FREAKIN LIVE TELLEVISHUN OR SUMTHIN!

Wy dos Ciel have to be so bloody elokwent? I must be elokwent too! I must also say sumthin that mindfucks him and toetally changes how he sees me and this relashunship, but I must alltimuttly keep it simple stupid.

10 seconds later

damn this is hard!

.

"Pass!"

"I'm sorry, you can't pass again."

"Ummnngghn..." Alois made some more thinking noises. "Oh, I think I got one! Okey doke, get ready for this." He paused. Everyone got ready for that. "Ciel's MOST ANNOYING HABIT is that he continually pushes me away, but I can_ so_ tell he doesn't always want to, and lord knows _I _don't want him to—Sebastian might, and Claude might too, actually, and I don't think our nanny or that lemur girl would mind it; they both _love_ me—but regardless! He thinks I only like him for his sexy body and that that's not enough reason to put up with me, but he doesn't know the _half _of it! I like all his strength and shit, and like, his morals and brains and compassion. Plus I like how when he _does_ touch me or feel me up it's not like he's faking it or lying or anything. It's real genuine. The most genuine groping in all of England!" He flopped back into his armchair with a satisfied smile. "There! That is what is so bloody annoying about him!"

Sydney nodded thoughtfully. "This is great TV. It's like bleepin' _Degrassi _up here." A couple people were trying to start a slow-clap, but it wasn't catching on. "Alright! Bring back the ladies!"

Utterly oblivious Ciel came in and sat down indifferently beside Alois. Grell and the Queen followed.

Sydney had on this Let's-Do-This face. "The score currently stands at the following: Tanaka and the Queen in the lead with four-for-four points, Sebastian and Grell close behind with three points, and Ciel and Alois with big fat nothing! Let's see if the tables will turn! Ciel, Alois said that the first thing you touch after waking up would be either your eye or your gun, because you're a spaz. Is this true?"

Ciel looked surprised. "I suppose it is."

_Ding ding!_

Sydney: "Wow! At last, a point! Now onto Grell. Tell us, what is the first thing you would touch in the morning?"

Grell: "Hmm... probably my death scythe~!"

Sydney looked at him very seriously. "Is that a sexual reference? There are children out there." She threw her hand out at the audience. Luca waved.

"No! I have a chainsaw right by my bed! I like to keep it nearby!"

_Ehn!_

"Sebastian said your hair, so no points for you! Queen Victoria, your Majesty, care to answer for us?"

The Queen laughed a nice grandmotherly laugh. "I'd give my Tanakers here a nice wake up pat on the arm."

_Ding ding!_

Sydney: "Question 2! Bra sizes, ladies! Share 'em or else!"

Relieved at the fast pace, Ciel blurted out the only bra size he knew. "26 AA?"

_Ding ding!_

Grell said, "I don't wear a bra!"

_Ding ding!_

The Queen answered, "Double D's!" and did a little—well not quite little—chest thrust. Tanaka and a shocking amount of men in the audience whistled.

_Ding ding!_

Sydney: "You guys are all perverts. Question 3! Ladies, this one really put your mens to the test. If you three could each change one thing about yourself, what would you choose? Ciel?"

Ciel snorted. "What a superficial notion. I like myself just fine. And everyone wants me as it is—why worsen it?"

Sydney: "Answer me, mate."

"Fine. If only so people would leave me alone about it, I'd change my height."

_Ding ding!_

Alois was bouncing up and down in delight. "We're doing so well now, Cielly!" Cielly did not appear as excited about this, but merely relieved that it would soon be over.

"Grell? What would you change?"

"Well, even though I am _already_ so _flawlessly_ gorgeous, I think I might like to have smaller feet. All the cute shoes come in such petite sizes!"

_EHN!_

Sydney: "That is much farther down than what Sebastian said. Your Majesty?"

The Queen chuckled. "Well, I hate to sound as full of myself as these young lads here, but I'm much too old to concern myself with such _nonsense._ I wouldn't change a thing about myself!"

_Ding ding!_

She laughed some more and pinched Tanaka's cheek. "Oh, Tanakers, _you old softie._" He smiled sheepishly.

Sydney: "Last one, mates. Let's see if we can't touch a few hearts in the audience. Get some tears going. Ladies, we asked your men what they thought your worst habit was. I'd like you to tell me—in all honesty!—what you think they answered with. Your Majesty, you may go first, since you and Tanaka are in the lead."

Queen Victoria gave that some thought. "Is it my habit of bursting into places on horseback? No no wait! Scratch that, I've got it! He doesn't like when I call him Jeeves!"

_Ding ding!_

The Queen and Tanaka cheered and double high-fived.

Sydney: "Grell! Take it away!"

Grell: "But Sebas-chan loves _everything_ about me! He is always so pleasant and hospitable; and I highly doubt that could all be an act!"

_Ehn!_

Sydney: "Ooh, so sorry. Now, Ciel..." The cruise director slowly approached the final couple. "Alois gave us a rather thought-provoking response to this last question." She bent down and got all up in his face. "WHAT is your most ANNOYING habit?"

"Please back off."

Sydney did as told.

Ciel sighed like he was the most exhausted man in the world. It took approximately 10 seconds. "Let me guess, he thinks I'm a prude? Doesn't like that I'd rather not spend _every waking moment _with him? Am I in the ballpark here?"

Alois nodded.

Sydney also nodded. "Yeah. That's about the gist of it. Shall we go into further detail?"

"No tha—"

Alois: "I said a bunch of nice rubbish I love you for_ other_ than your huggably soft body!"

Sydney: "Your strength and morals and brains and compassion, to be specific."

Alois: "SHUT YOUR PIE-HOLE, WOMAN!" He looked back at Ciel. "What she said."

Ciel looked at him very intently for a minute. Alois did not do any of the following: grin cheekily, smirk suggestively, or cackle mischievously. He just kind of looked back at him while everyone waited for something to happen.

"And you..._ love_ me for that," Ciel said to kind of clarify.

"Yes!"

"And your definition of love is what?"

_Well I'm almost 100% sure that the answer isn't sex..._ "When my heart feels all warm and fuzzy and I feel like listening to Taylor Swift?" _Good job. That sounds right_.

"I don't really care for Taylor Swift."

Alois shrugged. "Some people don't."

"I don't entirely mind _Enchanted_ though."

"Oh I love that one!"

"Can't stand _Mine_."

"I know, it's a little overplayed."

"It's those damn Top 40 stations."

"Yes! And they play _so many_ commercials."

Sydney: "MATES!"

Ciel shot her a look. "We lost, right?"

"Like fish in a barrel."

Ciel grabbed Alois' hand and stood up. They got offstage, walked up the aisle and left.

.

Alois' Twitter

early early morning with Ciel sleeping in my arms

nevr been so content being on the bottom befor

10 seconds later

YOU no whut I'm talking about!

30 seconds later

k who keeps tweeting that they don't no whut I'm talking about? we had SEX u dingnut.

10 seconds later

**dear idiot** yeah and I let ciel shuv his adorable little disco stik in my funhole. DO YOU GET IT YET?

5 seconds later

jeepers its like tweeting to a tree.

20 seconds later

**dear skeptic** YES HE GODDAMN LIKED IT. he said I'm a generus lover.

10 seconds later

**dear skeptic** ok he didn't say so out lowd but I read his jurnal.

40 seconds later

**dear axcfangirl** no he did not tell me he luved me.

15 seconds later

**dear axcfangirl** yes I asked. he said Dus It Matter? and I said I Guess Not. So he said Good Cuz Bad Shit Happens To Peple I Love. It wus real fuckin sweet.

20 seconds later

**dear axcfangirl **it makes ME super duper happy TOO!

20 seconds later

k I think the lite's gonna wake him up soon. I must bid you all adieu. nite guys.

.

Ciel's Journal

Sometime in the night

I'd say I've wasted an unfortunate amount of time avoiding this, but I know better than to allow asinine emotions like regret muddle me. Right now I'm just surprisingly content. This could actually end up turning out really well for me. I feel calm and warm and overall _good_, _he's_ unusually docile, and he does have something of a sweet taste to him. It's no determining factor, but it certainly doesn't hurt.

5 minutes later

And, you know, I suppose I do feel some sort of affection for him. He certainly treats me well. Just as long as I establish I'm perfectly capable of holding him down and making him whine, and that there's nothing he can do to me that I can't do back.

5 minutes later

Not to say that's why I like him! I can't really pinpoint why I do—by all sane reasoning I shouldn't!—but he does understand the sort of life I lead. He knows it's lonely, and I've chosen to make it that way myself, but he kind of forced his way in anyway. I just like having company that gets it, I suppose.

.

_Late Breakfast_:

Everyone was eating something more or less or not-at-all normal as they waited for Ciel and Alois to show up.

Brittany was rambling about Edward Midford's three lines in the latest chapter of the manga. "He has a _SWORD!_ He just carries a _sword_ around! In case of the undead, I guess. And he looks fab in a top hat."

Laura chewed and swallowed thoughtfully. "What about his mama's boy tendencies?"

Brittany shrugged. "I like my mum too."

Lindsay and Annie were playing Chubby Bunnies. Lindsay was working on stuffing in number 11, cheeks bloated like those of an angry tiny child who holds his breath until he gets the new Transformers toy he really wanted. Annie was simultaneously checking Alois' Twitter for any updates on the night prior. "Mphhgghngrr!" she exclaimed excitedly. "Oggohmnnng! Nmmghrpph!"

Snake took the iPhone from her and Ronald Knox leaned in to read what was so exciting. "'BEEM ME UP SCOTT PILGRIM, lololol dus anywun no wear I put my parasol. I knead it for my arithmetik homewurk.'"

Luna was reading the same thing off of her Blackberry while munching on Froot Loops and whipped cream. "Scroll down. You have to get past all the sleep-tweeting."

Kaze was trying to feed Baby Bo some mashed pancake and strawberries. "Does anyone else find it amazing that Alois can do that? I wonder if it's genetic..."

Baby Bo said, "I imagine such a trait would be more of a learned behaviour than an inherited one."

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at that freaking baby.

"Ah ha ha! Just kidding!" Baby Bo removed his green wig and other various costume parts to reveal that—"It is I! Emerald Line! The greatest cosplayer on this ship! MWAHAHA!" The reviewer bolted up, retrieved Grell from his hiding place under a potted plant, and the two of them booked it for no clearly discernable reason.

Anna's phone rang. "Yeah? Oh hey, Alois... Yeah, I heard... Uh, I don't think so... No, I don't know why it happened the first time! Alo—Alois! Calm down! You are _not_ going to have a baby!"

"Speaking of which, where is the baby?" Kaze wondered. "If I intend to uphold my reputation as a nanny of noble families, I must find him! Nanny Kaze, AWAY!"

"Just—Alois! Shsh! You're yelling in my _ear_... 'Kay, where's Ciel?... I thought you two were going to join us for breakfast... Uh huh... No, no hurry. We're just going to the beach today… Where are we? St. Lucia."

Lindsay raised her hand like she was in class. "Immf ggrng m bmmbggg!" she said, which loosely translated to "I'mma bring my boombox!"

"Will Captain Jack Sparrow be there?" CJ inquired. "We're in the Caribbean. He's a pirate of the Caribbean. It makes total sense, right? He should show up! That would be amazing!"

"Will there be aliens?" Mackie asked. "If this beach has pirates then I think it should also have aliens."

"It has sand," Brittany said. "You have my money-back guarantee. It also has the Fruit Man."

"If there are aliens, and they are evil aliens or at least vaguely annoying aliens, I dibs irritating them back to their planet!" Judy exclaimed. She had her shiny rock-candy-looking rock around her neck like a piece of massive bling.

"I want it on that action!" Maddie said. Then they both high-fived and went off to stock up on buffet food. Nothing says vacation like pancakes and hash browns on the beach!

"Does anyone know what size bikini Sebastian would take?" Jessie asked.

Ciel strolled over. "I don't want to know." Then he looked at them all with marshmellows in their cheeks, or crowded around handheld devices with a death god and a puppet, and Brittany, who was a little unkempt and damp. "I really don't want to know."

"Edward Midford made me go jogging, then he snagged my shower before I could get my shoes off, okay?" she clarified. "And there's no way you can fit more than one person in that coffin!"

"You'd be surprised," Ciel mumbled almost inaudibly. Annie nearly choked on her marshmellows. Lindsay helpfully smacked her on the back.

"Have you tried three people?" Jessie inquired, glancing automatically in Sebastian's direction.

"Now you're getting it!" Brittany said to Ciel proudly. "_That_ is a rather awkward mental image you've supplied us with, so thanks for that. Bravo."

"Imwm!" said Lindsay. Apparently she'd won.

.

_A beach on the island of St. Lucia:_

After having his entire pasty being rubbed down with SPF 150 sunscreen by a smirking Sebastian, accompanied by the wary glances of passerby who were unfamiliar with the extravagance of one having a butler to do such a thing and/or suspicions that something pedophilic was afoot, Ciel was lying on a slightly sandy beach towel and trying to relax as he read his novel. His arms were getting sore from holding the book over his face to block out the sun, so he said, "Hold this," to Sebastian.

He read a chapter and a half like that while the girls and the Mackens squealed and made their battle cries in the water twenty feet down and Lindsay's boombox blasted Caribbean-beach-appropriate music. Bordering the pages over his eyes was a sky as brilliantly blue as Alois' freaky eyes, and the air smelled salty and warm, and sizzled with the odours wafting over from an outdoor café.

Ciel had been both threatened and bribed into his swim trunks—yet again—but the little bugger hadn't even set foot in the water, Alois noticed. He himself had already been crowned the Chicken Fight King after his valiant victories against reviewer after reviewer—which did not, as Luna had mistakenly thought, entail slapping each other around with chickens but consisted of knocking opponents off peoples' shoulders into the water—and his hair was saturated with enough salt to keep a McDonald's running for a full hour. He was working up a nice tan to boot, his pale English skin now roasted to an attractive golden brown. The tropics were fabulous; how could Ciel lie around with his nose in a book?

Alois strode out of the surf and shook the water from his hair. He noticed some of the beach's other patrons spare him a passing glance, then returning to their own business with no second thoughts. Everyone here was so delightfully lax.

The white hot sand clung to his wet feet. He walked right up to Ciel's towel, dropped to his knees over the boy, said, "Move this," shoved the book away—much to Sebastian's surprise—and revealed the surprised and ticked off face of one beautiful Ciel Phantomhive. Alois planted his hands on either side of Ciel's body, lowered himself to rest lightly on top of him, and kissed him full on the lips. He sighed softly when he parted two breaths later.

Ciel snatched his book from Sebastian's hand and whacked Alois on the side of the head with it. "Get off!" He could taste salt in his mouth.

Alois smiled what he figured was a charming smile.

"Get _off!_ You've gotten me all wet!" A muscle jumped at the corner of Ciel's mouth—the hint of a ghost of a shadow of a genuine non-alcohol-or-substance-induced smile.

"I hope you don't mind if I take that the wrong way."

Ciel responded by repetitively slamming the book against Alois' sun-streaked hair. It was a paperback, however, so not much was accomplished in doing so.

Alois grabbed the book and tossed it away. It bounced off a sleeping Drocell, who Anna, Mackie, Snake, and Ronald were burying in sand. "What happened to the sweet boy who made love to me last night?" Ciel didn't say anything, but was truly smiling now. Alois grabbed his chin and made Ciel face him. "I thought you were above maintaining appearances in the public eye. Come on, give me a kiss."

Ciel rolled his eyes but sat up anyway and pressed his mouth to Alois' noise-hole, the fingers of his left hand just grazing his cheek. Alois was grinning like crazy when they split up again.

"Did you know there's a wedding chapel on the boat?"

"No."

"Wanna get married?"

"No."

"Then do you want to be my new Chicken Fight partner? I think I need to challenge CJ and Sebastian to a rematch. I'm pretty sure they were cheating."

Ciel turned around to look behind himself. "I thought Sebastian..." Emerald Line removed her black wig and waved at him. "Hello!"

Grell, who had been sitting beside her the whole time, gasped. "Oh, you cheeky little bastard!" he said with a flap of his hand. "You had me fooled! Now I have to cut you."

Emerald looked concerned.

"Ah ha ha! Just kidding!" Then they laughed like loons and Ciel and Alois went off to try their luck at knocking CJ off Sebastian's shoulders.

A floating fruit stand had apparently just docked at the edge of the water. "The Fruit Mon is here!" said the dreadlocked man standing in the stand, which was actually a small dinghy complete with shelving and crates, a multicoloured plethora of tropical fruits, an overhead canopy and was covered in bright flags. Edward Midford and Brittany were picking out the most beautiful pineapple. Laura asked if the Fruit Man had artichokes. He did not.

Just then, another small dinghy approached the shore. A familiar-looking pirate stood at the mast, foot raised in a Captain Morgan stance, and crashed into the Fruit Man's boat.

"Hey, mon! There's plenty af shore here! Ain't no excuse ta be hittin' the Fruit Mon witchur vessel."

"That's _Captain_ Jack Sparrow to you."

Up on Alois' shoulders in the water, Ciel was trembling almost imperceptibly. "That boat almost hit me," he muttered.

Captain Jack Sparrow glanced down at the boys. "Great Jar of Dirt! Englishmen! Well, l best be off, lest I end up in the slammer again." He tried to turn his dinghy around, but it was pretty much stuck.

From up on the real Sebastian's shoulders CJ was playing with his hair and watching this all with absolute amusement. "This is SO cool!"

Then a dinghy-sized intergalactic spaceship crash-landed in the water about ten feet out. The hatch popped open and an oar appeared, but whatever creature had been piloting the vessel was too far off to be properly seen. As the ship was rowed closer to land, everyone gasped.

"Wow," Ciel said, a hand over his heart. "That is _cute._"

"Meap," said the alien.

"KYAAAAA~! It's _SOOOO_ CY-UUUUTE!" said Edward Midford. Then he cleared his throat and returned to inspecting fruit like he hadn't just done that.

As the first alien approached—a tiny white furry thing with a big head in a pink bonnet-looking thing with bear ears—several more ships landed in the water. Back on the beach, Mackie stood and threw up her hands. "FALL, MY PEEPS!" she said. "MY ALIEN BRETHREN, JOIN ME TO MEET THE AWESOMENESS THAT _IS_ THE KURO CAST!" Then she cackled and took off towards the water. The alien things greeted her and they all started meaping together. One of them said something funny and they laughed like old friends.

The first Meap bumped into Alois' belly. "Holy shit! What is it what is it WHAT IS IT?" In his panic, Ciel got knocked off Alois' shoulders and into the water. CJ was let down so Sebastian could inspect one of the Meaps.

"Is it a cat?"

The Meap widened his mouth and shot a rainbow beam at an apple the Fruit Man was juggling, vaporizing it in midair. "Hey, mon, be chill."

Ciel surfaced and spat water at Alois.

Sebastian was looking at the creature with stars in his eyes. "Can I keep it, Young Master?"

Ciel hopped onto Alois' back and sent him face-first into the water. "No." Alois flailed.

"Please? You said so yourself that it is aesthetically pleasing!"

"It doesn't belong to you, Sebastian."

"Did anyone notice this is a nude beach?" Brittany hollered right before sling-shotting her bikini top in Ciel's face. "Happy Awkward Moments Week!"

.

Laharl's Journal

Day 5

St. Lucia

Ah-haaaa-ha-ha-ha! Oh, what's the use? It's not fun to laugh when there's no one to hear you. Anyways, I may want to introduce myself. I am LAHARL! OVERLORD OF THE NETHERWORLD! And let me tell you, this job is no easy task. Demons are a bunch of good for nothing complainers. So I have decided to bring a couple dozen prinnies (penguin type creatures which are the re-incarnations of lost souls or something of that persuasion) and take up my calling to host a demon poker tournament on a cruise ship, already quite demon infested. Here are some VERY IMPORTANT rules!

1. Demons only at the demon poker bowl!

2. Hannah is NOT invited due to my completely reasonable fear of sexy women, plus I can't stand that she always beats me!

3. This is an "over the age of 18" type deal, which means that I have no patience to entertain children (ie. that damn annoying Ciel character and his fruity lover, like are they an item or in some kind of harem or something or have I missed something? Oh god.)

4. Yeah, that's pretty much it.. But I'm bringing MidBoss to see if Claude and him would make a nice couple.

Hmm! Hmm-hmm-hmm!

.

Alois' Twitter

Day 5

St. Lucia

THEIRS _ANOTGHER_ TRIPPZ COINSERT! OMG, MNY LIFE IS SO MADE RITE NOW! I CONT BELERVE THOSE GUIYS USED TO WURKJ FOR ME! Y WERNT THEY THIS COOL BAK THEN?

10 seconds later

AGEN SRRY FR TIPOES—IM GETIN THRONE AROJNFSD ANSD ITS SO HARD TI TYPE PRIPERL Y!

30 minutes later

Ciel just got a txt sayin theirs a deemon pokr ternament. were so in! gud thing I am so fabby at poker!

6 minutes later

who the hell is this kid? he's kind of attraktiv.

.

Laharl, self-proclaimed Overlord of the Netherworld, surveyed his opponents with dismay. Hannah wasn't even on the boat—thank Dad for that—but that Ciel pipsqueak had allowed his true demonic nature to show through and had showed up with that trampy blonde thing—thus breaking TWO rules in one go! And not to be self-centered or anything, but Laharl had the sneaking suspicion that the tramp was checking him out.

Sebastian Michaelis, Claude Faustus, and the three purple-haired men from the band were also present. The fact that the latter three were here would simultaneously make the game more interesting and make the entertainment second-rate. Right now people were doing karaoke.

Drocell stepped up to the mic. "This is called _Oh Anna_. It's by _Mother Mother._ I swear I didn't make this up."

_I'll play god, _

_I'll play god, I'll play god, I'll play god today!_

_Anti up and play that god a po-ker game_

_Walk away with all our little god's spare cha-a-ange_

_Playing this god; it can't be good for Anna's safety! Anna hear me!_

_O-o-oh Anna, I'll be with you still,_

_You are the angel that I couldn't ki-i-i-i-i-ill!_

_I'll fake god, _

_I'll fake god, I'll fake god, I'll fake god today,_

_Hop up on a cloud and watch the world decay,_

_Anna on my shoulders and we'll laugh away-e-ay!_

_Faking this god; it can't be good for_

_Anna's safety, Anna hear me, Anna baby, I'M NOT CRAZY!_

_Oh Anna, O-oh Anna!_

Laharl dealt the cards. "Let's play, boys!"

* * *

**I know on Twitter tweets are supposed to be directed with the AT sign but FF wouldn't let me AT so...**

**Keep going! Or not. Take a break. *intermission music***


	31. The AMW Cruise 2nd half pt2

**Parte deux!**

* * *

Ciel looked at the sizeable stack of chips in front of him and Alois. Who knew Trancy was so adept at gambling? Meanwhile, Selty the headless Irish faerie was speeding around the deck on a demonic headlight-less motorcycle with Luca and Brittany's dog on back, and in the back of a van that someone had parked by the pool, Andrew whatshisface was arm-wrestling with a shifty-looking guy in a fur-lined coat—most commonly known as Izaya, the Informant—who had just finished stomping the WiFi out of someone's cell phone. Apparently they were vacationing from some city called Ikebukuro. Damn foreigners. And halfway through Drocell's rendition of _Oh Anna_, the Mother Mother Ship had landed and the band themselves had taken to the stage to show him how it was really done. Now they were playing _Baby Don't Dance_.

"Read them and expel saltwater from your tear ducts while making pitiful sounds," said Claude, placing his hand face-up on the table.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Alois exclaimed, then picked up one of the penguin things that'd been loitering around saying "dude" and threw it at Claude's head. It exploded.

"Hey, watch it!" Laharl shouted.

"KISS MY ASS, KING LARRY!" Alois yelled back.

"It's _Laharl_, you ignorant mortal fruitcake!"

"Watch what you call him, kid," Ciel warned. "He's with me."

"Yeah, well I don't like either of ya! I said I didn't want any kiddies at my card game!"

"You can't be more than ten yourself!"

Laharl let out a bark of a laugh. "I'll have you know—"

"Gentlemen, gentlemen," Sebastian said. "Please, let us continue our game in peace. The time will come to beat Faustus to a pulp and expel the young ones for their bedtime, but for now, let us play."

"Fine." Laharl had the next round dealt, licked his finger and tested the wind. "New bet: whoever loses has to jump off that diving board." He pointed up at a three storey high board shooting up at the edge of the pool. Everyone agreed, and the round was played.

"We win!" Alois cheered. He compared everyone's hands. "Close, Larry. Very close. Looks like Claude lost though, aw, boo hoo, don't cry, Claudey~!"

"I am doing no such thing."

"GET UP ON THAT FUCKIN' BOARD! I wanna see this!"

The poker players all craned their necks as Claude ascended the ladder to the top of the diving board. Once at the top, he glanced down and shrugged. "I do not see what is so intimidating about this apparatus. Is the sheer height supposed to cause fear."

Laharl casually pointed upwards. "Oh look, it's a flock of dragons."

"What."

The flock flew over and around and possibly straight through Claude, and once it had passed the ship entirely Claude was nowhere to be seen.

"Nooo!" cried MidBoss. "We only just met, but he was so un-wowed by my dashing good looks that it was downright SEXY! OOOOH, CLAUDE, MY LOVE!"

The triplets stealthily shoveled Claude's winnings into a satchel and scurried off to chase tail. A couple of tipsy, scantily-clothed women giggled when they saw the young men approach. "Hey, ladies, how would you like to party with Trippz? Drinks are on us." And off they went.

Alois snatched the meager stack of chips from under MidBoss' sobbing nose and ran off with Ciel to get plastered with reviewers.

.

Alois' Twitter

PARTY HARDY BITCHES

woah these girls can drink! yikes!

2 minutes later

woah thees grls can maek ciel drink! lol he looks cute when hes tpse,.

3 minutes later

we r doin kareeokay agen & lindsy is singing liek a MEDLEE of all the tiktok parodys! u no the ones! lik the one wear u punch captin crunch then u eat himfr lunch, or I'm mad relly mad plz dont tell my miom &dad, etc,

1 minute later

_sumtyms I eat my dessert, beFOR my dinner!_

5 minutes later

SUMWUN PUT SEBASCHUN IN A BIKEENI! HOLY SHITSTIKERS, DUS HE LOOK STUPID!

20 seconds later

haha hoo am I kidding, that is a sexy pece of thing.

10 seconds later

jessy sed she did it. I said How? she said Shh...

20 minutes later

omh just finisht dansing wit lindsy! we shud b on So U Thunk U can Dance or sumthin! holy crowly, I think we looked fabbo!

1 minute later

THA HORNY DOG IS BAJK!

30 minutes later

playn bumpercars on the rainbow watr slyd w/ rivewers.

30 minutes later

jus woak up wth am i?

5 seconds later

o hay I'm in kaze's arms and shes feedin me yogert.

10 seconds later

wth is the babty?"

5 seconds later

***11:11 MAEK A WISHG!***

20 seconds later

nvm it was axshully 1:11.

2 minutes later

babys sittin in a buffay tray off penut butr cookies. y do maddy&judy hav the baby & y r they the only oens not wstaed?

1 minute later

maddy jus threw up agen but I thunk is cuz she has been eting here sunce like after dinr.

2 minutes later

got tha baby, gon go find ceil.

5 minutes later

ran into macky &her aleens. wth.

1 minute later

ran into thefruit mon howd he get on this bote?

2 minutes later

RAN INTO THE HRNY DOG!

10 seconds later

y am I running?

1 minute later

ran into britney & Edward Midford they be playn uno.

20 minutes later

I'm sleepy...

1 hour later

whut r u stupd? red eye flashes twice.

56 minutes later

y dus my flying carpt have crown molding?

10 seconds later

I need a bug fivor.

10 seconds later

iam going to need elmers space glue—that is the sparkly one tgat is blu-, a webkinz, 5stix of butter and that horny dog.

2 minutes later

jeez u guys are suspishus.

20 seconds later

a guy cant ask for elmers space glue a webkinz 5sicks of btter and that hrny doig?

1 hour later

woke up past out in the coridoor. ceils asleep on my lap.

3 minutes later

carried him to bed then went looking for luca.

10 minutes later

me &luca siting out on my balcony drinkin milk liek charly sheen and emelio Estevez in that one ep of 2 1/2mans 'cept no one died.

.

Ciel's Journal

Day 6

Antigua

My head is killing me. Brittany's puffy little bearded dog is in my bed. Alois isn't. I have so many questions.

1 minute later

Found a snake in my bathroom.

.

Claude's Weird Sick Brain

Day 6

Antigua

I HAVE _HAD_ IT WITH THESE MUTHAFUCKIN' SNAKES IN MY MUTHAFUCKIN' LOO!

.

Alois' Twitter

Day MORNING

just had the most disturbing nitemare about robpat and jbeebs gettin it on. no more gin and choklat milk befor bed.

.

Brittany's BOOK OF ADVENTURE

Day 6

Antigua, home of stingrays and Bob the turtle!

Lucky for everyone who is majorly hungover, stingrays are the only awesome thing in Antigua. So we just need to put on our floaties, get in the water with them, touch 'em and maybe hold one, marvel about how it feels like soggy newspaper, and then EVERYONE can go pack to popping Advil and avoiding THE LIIIIIIIGGGGHHHHT! (One Direction ref)

.

_Swimming with stingrays:_

"Holy SHIT, Ciel! It's terrifying! Make it go away!"

"Stop yelling, I beg of you."

Alois clung to Ciel's back and sobbed. "I'm scaaaaarrred..."

Ciel held out his arms and was given a big ol floppy stingray by one of the excursion people. "It's fine, Alois. It won't hurt you; it just feels like wet newspaper." He offered the ray to the sniveling boy on his back.

"Well maybe I'm mortally afraid of wet newspaper! Did you ever think about that? Did that thought nugget even cross your mind?"

Meanwhile the girls and Kuro mans were noisily having stingray races on which to gamble Oreos. The first ray to collide with lazy Bob the turtle would win!

.

Ciel's Journal

Evening of Day 6

Sailing away from Antigua, home of yet another of Alois' irrational phobias

After enduring a lava cake-eating contest with the girls at dinner—which I won _without_ getting chocolate all over my face, hair, and unfortunate passerby—we went to the outdoor theatre to watch a hypnotist take some pitiful soul and demean him in front of his peers in exchange for a bottle of _free premium champagne_. And because there seems to be no end to my good fortune on this trip (sarcasm) who should be chosen from the audience but Alois?

I can only assume the hypnotist thought he was being funny when he asked Alois what his greatest fears were and proceeded to convince him that he was being chased by pigeons, flying stingrays, and all of it taking place in a dark forest made of wet newspaper. However, I doubt he expected Alois would nut up and start nailing the hallucinations with a folding chair. It's a wonder the hypnotist was able to continue after the blow he took to the head.

After scaring him half to death and getting some ice for his head lump, the hypnotist convinced Alois he was having a baby. The whole time Alois was shouting, "Anna! You LIED to me! You lied you lied you lied!" which the audience found hysterical. Then he threatened to gouge out both her eyes and feed them to her man-shaped plastic satellite. Then he claimed that he and Drocell had been sleeping together anyway, by the way (which I assume was a lie; I would definitely have noticed if Alois were sleeping around). Then he apologized for taking his anger out on her, "but pushing a tiny human out of your vag is DAMN HARD!" Then he started in on blaming me for destroying his "voluptuous body".

Now having made a complete and utter arse of Alois, the hypnotist had one last question. "Do you have any advice for the audience here?"

To which he joyfully replied, "Don't drink gin and chocolate milk before bed!"

.

Brittany's BOOK OF ADVENTURE!

Day 7

St. MAAAAARTEN

Just got back from the rainforest canopy ziplining/ropes course! MY FAVOURITE THING EVER!

I took lots of great pictures of Ciel sucking at it. Sebastian's so tall his feet were dragging on the ground on one of the lines. And Alois is like a hairless British monkey!

.

Ciel's Journal

Day 7

St. Maarten

That was bloody awful, pardon my language. At least now we have some time to relax.

.

_On the gnarliest beach in St. Maarten:_

As far as Claude knew, a bunch of random reviewer girls had eagerly invited him to play Marco Polo with them. Thus he was wandering around in the gnarly surf off the coast of St. Maarten, eyes closed, arms outstretched like the zombie he probably is.

"Marco."

"POLO!"

In actuality, someone had discovered Drocell knew how to throw his voice and that he was also a fair hand at imitating girls. Thus, while Alois and Luca built a sand fort around a napping Ciel, the girls, Snake, Knox, Grell and Sebastian were watching as Claude stumbled blindly around in search of opponents who weren't there and got clocked on the head by surfers.

"Ow Marco."

"_POLO~!"_ Drocell called.

.

Alois' Twitter

Night of Day 7

middle of the oshun agen

me Ciel and Luca all out on the balcony today. drinkin choklat milk WITHOWT gin. there's a boat far far far away and were imagining whuts going on on it.

10 seconds later

Ciel said sumwuns makin an arse of himself.

10 seconds later

Luca said there are children spittin overbord to see whos spit is fastest.

10 seconds later

I said sumwuns getting lucky.

10 seconds later

Ciel said Probly Except There Kid Is Still In The Room Witch Is Making It Very Diffkult. I laffed.

10 seconds later

...

10 seconds later

O I GET IT!

2 minutes later

took Luca to his room and tuked him in. Ciel tastes like choklat milk.

.

Ronald Knox's Twitter

Night of Day 7

Chillin' on the balcony of Sebas-chan's ex-suite with the boys! Minus Faustus; someone rigged a trap that knocked him overboard with a sack of hammers.

10 seconds later

There's a ship in the distance. We're trying to guess what's going on on it.

10 seconds later

Sutcliff says someone just fell in love. _Gag_.

10 seconds later

Sebas-chan says someone just won a bottle of _free premium champagne!_

10 seconds later

The scaly fellow says someone just shed their skin. I don't know if he means that sexually or not.

10 seconds later

Drocell says someone just faked an orgasm. What's wrong with these guys?

10 seconds later

I said they're probably staring at our ship while drinking gin and chocolate milk and trying to figure out what _we're_ doing.

10 seconds later

Now we're trying to guess what they think we're doing.

1 minute later

Apparently we're go-cart racing around the top deck with beautiful half-naked ladies and the hypnotist, drinking cough syrup, listening to _Journey_ full blast, and when the race is over we're going to watch _Rango_ and play Go Fish in Spanish from the comfort of a blow-up mattress as big as a house.

10 seconds later

Then we're going to set off fireworks and drink a few bottles of _stolen premium champagne!_

1 minute later

We're gonna do it.

.

Ciel's Journal

Day 8

St. Thomas

We just got back from another beach. The girls kept picking me up and swinging me into the waves, resulting in salt in every one of my orifices which, let me tell you, is not pleasant. In retaliation I single-handedly (or single-footedly, I should say) pulverized the shapeless mound of sand they were calling a Hermit Crab Hostel and had apparently worked very hard on. The thing is, they didn't seem too upset when it was crushed and even more shapeless. They just laughed and slapped me on the back and said "Oh, that is _so _cute. He thinks he's Godzilla," and dragged me back into the surf.

And for some unearthly reason, after another hour of the ungodly heat and stinging salt and chafing sand, I was actually beginning to _enjoy_ myself. The whole concept of playing in the waves is so utterly simple—essentially we were just throwing ourselves at approaching crests of untreated saltwater—but somehow it was _fun_. They hardly know me and I don't even remember all of their names, but they were overjoyed when I smiled. I think I might even have laughed a little.

And Alois, great _Scott _was he ever pleased for me. Him and Luca. We were out there nearly till the ship left. I honestly can't understand how the time got away from me like that.

It still kind of feels like I'm in the water. It's not an entirely unpleasant sensation, so I guess I won't complain.

.

_Sardines:_

Ciel poked his head around another corner. "I always end up getting violated in these sneaky ninja games," he mused aloud. This particular sneaky ninja game seemed designed to encourage such outcomes—Alois was hiding somewhere alone on the ship, and as soon as another player found him they were to cram themselves into his hiding place with him.

"Hey! PSSST!"

Ciel looked down. Speak of the devil. Alois was sticking his head out of a compartment in the corridor wall where the maids' vacuum cleaner was kept. "Alois! You're not supposed to _tell_ me where you are!"

"I thought it was fairly obvious. The vacuum's just sitting in the hall all on its lonesome."

Ciel sighed heavily. "I guess I've lost already then, haven't I."

"I don't know if you can really _win_—"

"Just shove over."

.

_Knock knock._

"Come in!"

The compartment door opened, revealing Kaze, Baby Bo, and Lindsay. "Yo," said Lindsay.

"Oh, Daddy Ciel's here already!" said Kaze. "You see that?" she said to the baby. "Your daddy and your mum are here~!"

"Come, join us!" Alois said, ushering them all in. Ciel scrunched up against the wall with a grimace.

"I brought the homeless dog," Lindsay said.

.

Next to show up were Maddie and Judy. They had pockets full of—you guessed it!—buffet food. And Judy's sparkly rock bling.

"It smells like wet dog in here."

"Who's panting?"

"The wet dog. Goodness, Judy!"

"Don't touch my rock!"

"You guys wanna play Chubby Bunnies?"

.

CJ knocked politely. Alois poked his head out. "Yes?"

"May I come in?"

"You must first answer a skill-testing question! How did you know we were here?"

CJ pointed at the vacuum. "Because the vacuum's just sitting in the hall all on its lonesome."

Alois made his _SEE?_ face at Ciel. The latter was too preoccupied playing Chubby Bunnies.

.

Sebastian came next. "Can we please remove the dog? He smells unpleasant and takes up too much space."

"Your freakish legs take up too much space," Ciel countered.

"He just BURNED YOU LIKE WHOA," Maddie said quite loudly.

"WHOA IS CIEL," Judy pitched in.

.

Grell showed up seconds later. "I saw Sebby darling come this way! Scooch over, mortal females!"

Annie and Emerald were close behind him. Annie glanced in. "Who's all in here?"

"I am!" said Alois. "Who wants to sing a song?"

"You really don't understand this game," Ciel said.

"I'm in," Emerald said and crammed herself into the compartment.

"I'll sing!" said Charles Grey.

Maddie had a small cow. "SINCE WHEN WAS CHARLES GREY ON THIS BOAT?"

.

Anna and Drocell came next. Anna peeked in. "It's like that airplane bathroom all over again. Is Ciel in the vent?"

"The vent!" Ciel exclaimed. "Sebastian, help me shove the dog through the vent!"

"_BARK!_"

"Ugh! His ass is in my face!"

"I should've cosplayed as Drocell so I didn't have a sense of smell!" Emerald said.

"Hey, I can smell!" Drocell protested. "That's how I seek out my prey."

"Oh you are just _precious_," Anna said in adoration.

"Sorry, I got you mixed up with Voldemort."

.

Luna was next. "I came as fast as I could! I just had to knock Claude overboard one more time. I paid the triplets to play so loudly Claude was literally _blasted_ off the boat! It was great!"

Kaze shuddered. "Please don't say his name so much in front of the baby."

.

Mackie came next. "Did you guys see Claude go overboard? It was AMAZING!"

"Meap."

"Okay, what _are_ those?" Ciel asked.

"Don't you watch _Phineas and Ferb_?"

"What's _Phineas and Ferb?_"

Everyone groaned at him.

.

Jessie opened the compartment door and hopped out of the way as the horny homeless dog was booted out. "Hey, guys," she greeted them. "Is Sebastian in there?"

"Who wants to know?" Grell asked.

"His uh... lap-warmer. It's strictly business, I swear."

Grell poked his head out and looked Jessie up and down. "Hmm... I suppose if it's business only."

"Yessir."

"Alright then. Come in."

.

Ronald Knox opened the compartment door and hopped out of the way as Charles Grey was booted out. The Earl stood and dusted himself, raised his nose at the shinigami and took his leave. "What's his deal?" Knox inquired.

"His sword was sticking me in the side," Ciel explained.

"Then I guess I should leave my lawn mower out here..."

.

Next came Edward Midford, Brittany, and Laura. "Hey! I knew you guys were in here because the vacuum and lawn mower are out in the hall all on their lonesome," said Laura.

Brittany peered in and did a head count. "Is everyone else in here?"

"All except for the triplets."

"But they're too _rich and successful _for us now!" Alois complained. "Ungrateful bitches! I gave them a roof over their unappreciative purple heads!"

Just then, Thompson, Timber, and Canterbury came sprinting down the corridor. "Hey, we heard there was a party in the vacuum compartment."

"Oh, come right on in!" Alois said chipperly.

"I dibs sitting between Righty-Fringe and Edford," said Brittany.

"Dibs on Sebby," Laura said.

"Already spoken for!" said Jessie.

"I think he's got enough leg for a whole _compartment- ful_ of girls," said someone.

"Is that what I've been sitting on?"

.

"So who won?"

Once again, apparently no one knew.

.

Day 9

On the dock back at San Juan

"Well," said Brittany as she stood in front of Alois and Ciel.

"Well..."

"Well..."

"..."

"This is awkward."

"Please don't make me pretend this actually saddens me," Ciel said.

Brittany said, "I just want to thank you both for helping me kill eight months worth of precious free time. But I have a job now, plus my fortune cookie on Chinese New Years told me to wrap up old things, and I told myself after the first few chapters that I'd stop either at Awkward Moments Day or when Anna did—"

"We get it."

"Tell Toboso Yana-sensei that I say Thank You."

"Will do."

"..."

"..."

"Sorry for bugging you so much."

"Are we done yet?" Ciel asked.

"Can I have a hug at least? Can we hug it out?"

Ciel looked at Alois. Alois shrugged. "Fine. Whatever." The two British boys gave Brittany/sammie-spazzmuffin/the judge/Sambow [Anna's new nickname for me!] a quick hug good-bye and received a very bro-ish smack on the back each.

"Now go! Be free! For the other authors and fanartists and cosplayers to do with you what they wish! Myself included!"

"What?"

"Nothing. Just oneshots. Ciel gets beat up once and Alois got locked in a locker—"

"Oh COME on!"

"But they're mostly harmless fluff! Except for the one where Alois gets all paranoid and commits murder..."

"We're leaving now."

"'Kay bye!"

.

Alois kind of succeeded at his New Years Res. Ciel won't admit it, but he probably accepts him on an emotional level.

Consequently, Ciel failed at his res to get Alois to leave him alone.

And Brittany works at Toys R Us, so TAKE THAT, ECONOMY!

.

**And there you have it, folks! It's getting hard to make my Thank Yous any more intense, and I'm a recycler by nature, so I'm going to copy and paste every thank you I've ever said in this fic!**

**Happy [day of the week], everyone, and thank you for all the wonderful reviews!**

**I couldn't be more thrilled! Thank you, everyone!**

**Thank you so much, all of you! TTuTT**

**If I had a dollar for every review I got, I could buy [MANY] BOXES OF KRAFT DINNER! Do you know how much macaroni and cheese that is? A lot! THANK YOU AGAIN, EVERYONE!**

**Thank you again for all the reviews, and I hope you have a wonderful week!**

**Since the last episode we've received [amount] reviews, yippee-ky-yay! Thanks a bunch! Have some cookies, yatta yatta.**

**thank you so very much!**

**Thanks a million for the reviews,**

**To all you wonderful reviewers, AKA the greatest group of non-fictional people in the world: You guys are a million times more funny and clever than you make me out to be, if not more C:**

**Yep, so, thanks for reading,**

**Thanks for all the reviews; you guys are the greatest! See y'all next time! _So long and thanks for all the fish~!_**

**Hello, my fan-fuckin'-tastic ass-kicking reviewers, all you fabulous people who are so near and dear to my heart even though I don't actually know you! Those of you who don't ever review won't get any cool adjectives, but I appreciate you nonetheless and understand that you may be avoiding reviewing in order to keep from further stroking my seemingly inflated ego, or because you don't have any fingers and are therefore unable to type, so you see, you _have_ all been given the benefit of a doubt. I assume you're all awesome anyway, because you're reading Kuroshitsuji fanfiction, for crying out loud,**

**I want you to know that I deeply appreciate all the love my fic and I have been getting and that I sincerely hope you feel it back!1!**

**Thank you guys so much for all the reviews!**

**Thanks for reading and thank you all again so very much for the reviews! It means the world to me!**

**I want to thank you all again so much for reviewing!**

**Thanks again for the reviews! They just make my day :D Like utterly.**

**So a big big big big big big big big big big thank you, (but not the LAST big big big big big big big big big big thank you) for the many reviews and all the support and kindness and encouragement and all that nice crap! Buckets of internet love for you all! **

**Good-bye, everyone, and have a wonderful week!**

**Have a brilliant week, everybody!**

**_Thanks for all the reviews!_**

**_It means the world to us!_**

**_Spread the love!_**

**_And the marmalade!_**

**_Have a great week!_**

**_See ya'll next time!_**

**_THE END!_**

**THANK YOU! FOR READING, FOR REVIEWING, FOR ENCOURAGING/SUPPORTING AND JUST BEING A GREAT BUNCH OF PEOPLE IN GENERAL! It's nice to be able to be stupid and outrageous and have people laugh and give you virtual pastries for it. It is really insane how much this has meant to me! Thank you all!**

**And happy belated April Fools Day :D**


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